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The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/teen_holidays.htm
This
is one of a series of Web pages suggesting solutions for common divorcing-family and step-family relationship problems.
This
Solutions sub-series focuses on
solving common
between stepkids and stepparents. Most ideas
apply equally to single co-parents and their child/ren.
This
gives perspective on this nonprofit divorce-prevention site and
how to best use it. The ideas here
aim to augment, not replace, other qualified professional
This article offers options for raising holiday satisfactions
when step-teens are involved. It builds on this
broader article about stepparents and stepteens. Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you
need? Raise your odds of filling your needs by
reviewing...
|
When holidays approach, everyone in your stepfamily will
have needs and expectations about
how to celebrate. To ease the common stress and awkwardness of stepfamily holiday
gatherings, and to help develop new holiday traditions, consider these
ideas: |
Help everyone in your merged families acknowledge that your family
now consists of a 3-generational, multi-home
not
"just a family." To make this real, try drawing (on a large
sheet of paper) a three-generational "map"
that shows how everyone is now linked together in your family tree.
To enjoy getting to know each other,
try one or both of these
interesting,
noncompetitive board games when you gather: "The
Ungame" and "LifeStories"
offer safe, interesting ways to learn about yourself and each other's
history, beliefs, personalities, and dreams.
Emphasize building respect between all members of your stepfamily, rather
than expecting stepkin to love each other. As you build your new family
relationships and history and work toward mutual acceptance and friendship,
allow the effects of the holiday season to spread from this core to the rest
of your relationships.
Acknowledge the holiday confusion and conflicts you may encounter. It
probably will take 4 or more years for your stepfamily to
stabilize after re/marriage, and to settle on comfortable- enough new holiday rituals. Talk about
each other's uncertainties, without guilt, laugh about these if you can, and
let your stepfamily know that it's OK to feel conflict and confusion at
times.
Set a limit. If the stress of holiday commitments becomes extreme, let the
family know that you realize there will be
from time to time. When viable compromises don't appear, put
your integrity first, and your re/marriage second. The real joy of
the holidays will come from a more stable family in the long term.
Evolve your new holiday traditions, and
encourage your family to
their loss of some old roles and traditions, without blame. If your new
family includes members of another religion, take the time to celebrate both
traditions without shame, guilt or competition. Experiment with
compromising, keeping long-range bonding as your goal.
Help your adults and kids
understand what
and
conflicts and relationship
are, and work together to evolve strategies to resolve these common
stressors. They're specially common around family-celebration times...
When opinions or ideas become a conflict,
and repeat what you hear. This does not mean (necessarily) that you
agree! Although this sounds simple, it isn't. If your teen is being resentful,
sarcastic and rejecting of your holiday plans, hear their
between the
lines.
Repeat, without judgment, what you
hear your teen say - without adding your response. This approach shows you
are being respectful of their anger without starting an argument. This empathic
listening lays the groundwork for win-win
Offer to include your kids' key friend at some stepfamily gatherings
to buffer the strangeness and sadness young people often feel during these times.
Be patient! As your holiday experiences accumulate over the years, the
awkwardness of having a stepfamily will begin to fade.
Make creating
"good-enough" holidays your goal together instead of trying to
re-create that "perfect' holiday you once shared with your former
biofamily (or wished you did).
Good luck, and happy-enough holidays as you
build new memories and traditions!
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