Typical Symptoms of a
Bonding Block
Feeling/bonding
blocks probably result from all
false-self wounds. They
have common
behavioral signs like these:
_ 1) Often feeling alone with (“disconnected”
from) other people.
_ 2) Periodically feeling
“There’s something missing in my
life, but I don’t know what.”
_ 3) Inability to relate to the personal reality of “a still small
(spiritual) voice within.”
_ 4) Being harshly critical of religions (“a crutch for
the weak"), clergy, church, worship, “do-gooders,” missionaries, etc.
_ 5) Periodically feeling sad or depressed “for no
reason.”
_ 6) Often feeling like “being on the outside looking in (at others’
lives).”
_ 7) Feeling “There’s something basically
different
about me - I’m not like other people.”
_ 8) Having chronic difficulty empathizing
with other people, and denying, joking about, or
rationalizing that. A related symptom is communication partners seldom
feeling included in the wounded person's
A related symptom is being described as
Narcissistic
or egotistical.
_ 9) Being “religious” but not
and denying or justifying that.
_ 10) Having an intellectual, or no
meaningful relation with a personal
Higher Power (“God”).
_ 11) Being puzzled by, and unable to empathize with, others who talk about
“feeling God’s presence” or “having a personal relationship with
God.”
_ 12) Often being unable to identify clearly “what I
feel, want, or need
now.”
_ 13) Not really understanding or empathizing with any of these symptoms.
_ 14) Being described as cold, phony,
"plastic," over-intellectual, distant, aloof, insincere, glib,
unapproachable, and/or impersonal.
_ 15)
Confusing “love” with
pity (for a
needy partner), so “I love you” means “I feel sorry for
you.” This promotes
to rescue,
and later heartache.
_ 16) Emotionally
or withdrawing when real unconditional
love and intimacy is offered, and denying, rationalizing, and/or minimizing this.
_ 17) Being unable to describe clearly what adult-partner
love feels like or means.
_ 18) Becoming anxious, evasive, defensive, mute,
reactive, or
numb if intimate conversation or behavior turns to “love.”
_ 19)
Confusing “love” with lust and
intercourse, so “I
love you” means “I desire you sexually;”
or having little or no genuine need for full spiritual -
emotional - physical sexual union (having a "low sex drive").
_
20) Complaining that a partner never demonstrates their love enough
or "right." This can be true, or an inability to receive
(feel and respond to) love.
_
21) Righteously expecting something in return for providing
“love;” Not really understanding unconditional love.
_ 22)
Confusing “love” with
dependence, so
“I love you” means “I (mainly) need you, and expect you to fill my
needs.”
_ 23) Insisting “I love you,” but the receiver doesn’t
feel
loved (but they may have a bonding-block too.)
_ 24) Showing “love” by providing physical things
and/or money.
_ 25)
Confusing “love” with
duty, so “I
love you” means “I’m
supposed to feel ‘love’ for you
(but I can only guess what that is.)”
_ 26) Chronic
being unable to genuinely
feel
and demonstrate consistent, unconditional love for one’s Self - e.g. putting
healthy food, rest, exercise, and medical care at low
and trivializing, justifying, or joking about that, or saying "I can't help
it."
_ 27)
Confusing love with power: “If you
really
loved me, you would/n’t…”
_ 28) Habitual discomfort with, or avoidance of, spontaneously
expressing love physically - i.e. avoiding appropriate caressing, hugging, stroking, and
kissing. Alternative: pretending to want to do these ("faking
it"), and denying that.
_ 29) Having acquaintances but
few or no real friends. Paying professional counselors to listen, because "there's no one else
I
_
30) Often experiencing social events as
chores to be endured or avoided, vs. enjoyed.
_
31)
A history of
relationships, marital separation/s,
and/or emotional or legal
or never marrying.
_
32) Appearing to feel more attachment to animals or plants than people; or having no interest in
pets or plants at all.
_ 33) Having one or several
and focusing on denying that, and/or on reducing the secondary problems they
cause rather than assessing for false-self wounds.
(compulsive
self-medication for
imply several
or all six false-self
not just a bonding block.
In general,
the more bonding-block symptoms like
these that you or another person has, the higher the odds
you or s/he is dominated by a protective false self. Recall:
this article is one of 12 false-self symptom checklists in
I suggest
you fill out
before drawing any
conclusions.
Can This Bonding Block be "Cured"?
My clinical experience since 1986 is that this bonding
block can be reduced (vs. cured) over time, when the person...
-
fully acknowledges that they're often ruled by a protective false self (hits
and breaks
-
genuinely wants to
and
-
finds
and uses
clinical and pastoral
help, over time.
As our culture
wakens to the reality and meaning of epidemic child neglect
(ineffective parenting) and false-self wounding, effective help is
slowly becoming easier to find.
I
believe this bonding-block wound results from
having all five other false-self wounds. If this is true, patient work at
reducing each of them and harmonizing the inner
family (personality) under the true Self's leadership will also reduce
this tragic block. My clinical experience is that skilled
psycho-drama, and/or
Voice-dialog therapy can help
self-motivated GWCs to do this.
The Project-1
guidebook
Who's Really
Running Your Life? (Xlibris.com, 2nd ed., 2002) explains false-self wounds and recovery from them
via inner-family therapy. Also see these selected books about Grown
Wounded ("Adult") Children and
personality fragmenting.
For more
general perspective, study these
slide presentations on personality
subselves, the silent [wounds + unawareness]
cycle that may be harming your family and
descendents, and false-self wound recovery.
If you have trouble viewing these slides, see
Recap
This is one of six articles describing widespread false-self
(psychological) wounds. This describes the nature, symptoms, and some
typical effects of a psychological injury that can accrue to kids from
low-nurturance childhoods - the
inability to feel, bond with selected other people, and to give and
receive genuine love.
After 28 years' clinical research, my professional guess is that this
wound - called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) by psychiatrists - is
really the composite result of five other widespread wounds: a
fragmented personality + excessive shame, guilts, fears, and reality
distortions + difficulty trusting wisely.
The inability to bond has distinct symptoms in
kids and adults, which allow assessing for it.
It can be reduced by admitting
and working intentionally to
the other wounds that cause it. Project 1 in this nonprofit Web
site offers an effective way to do that for people who have hit true
(vs. pseudo) bottom - often in mid-life.
Reflect: why did you read this article?
What are your subselves
now? Did they get what they needed here?
If not, what
they need? Who's
these questions - your wise
or
+ + +
Return to your
origin, or continue