Improve Self and Mutual Trust
 p. 2 of 4

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Part 1 - "Trust Q&A" continued...

  What is a "trust disorder"?

        Typical unaware adults and kids ruled by a protective false self may...

Distrust (second-guess and doubt) their own perceptions, wisdom, conclusions, ideas, feelings, intuitions, and decisions, and they may....

Over-trust people who then disappoint and betray them ("I never learn!"), or...

Under-trust reliable (trustworthy) people, and/or...`

Distrust that a benign (vs. "jealous and wrathful") Higher Power affects their lives, guarding and guiding them toward their long-term good and life-purpose.

        Unawareness of, or minimizing or denying these trust disorders and other false-self wounds,  promotes stress, and degrades personal health, growth, and key relationships.

        These effects compound when two people have significant false-self wounds. If so, their kids and rel-atives often do too. Thus false-self "trust disorders" and related psychological wounds are an individual stressor and a family problem. Self-motivated progress at Project 1 will reduce trust disorders and related wounds over time.

  What do adults and kids need to trust?

        See how you feel about this summary, point by point: We each need to trust...

• our own judgment (i.e. our true Self), our competencies, our intrinsic human worth, and our perceptions.  (I Agree /  Disagree / It depends...)

• that there is purpose and meaning to our life, despite periods of doubt and "failure."  (A  D  ?)

• that adults and kids are basically good, and that life on Earth is usually safe enough.  (A  D  ?)

        And we each need to trust that other people want to...

• consistently keep their promises to us.  (A  D  ?)

• respect our needs, opinions, habits, and beliefs equally with their own, even if we conflict.
  (A  D  ?)

• affirm and encourage us in troubled times, vs. ignoring, criticizing, or abandoning us.  (A  D  ?)

• tell us their truth, or if they don't feel safe doing so, and why.  (A  D  ?)

• accept us for who we are, rather than how we look, sound, or what we do. (A  D  ?)

• respect (vs. agree with) our choice of friends, activities, and spirituality. (A  D  ?)

• be honest with themselves and us in important matters. (A  D  ?)

        And we each need to trust other people to want to...

• understand and empathize with us, within their limits. (A  D  ?)

• confront us directly when they need to, in a loving, empathic (vs. shaming, insensitive) way
  (A  D  ?)

• respect our limits and boundaries, including times we need privacy and solitude.  (A  D  ?)

• listen to us empathically, vs. fix us (solve my problems), when we need to vent.  (A  D  ?)

• seek compromises when we differ on important matters.  (A  D  ?) 

• appreciate our personal talents and limitations.  (A  D  ?)

• be respectfully direct and assertive with us, rather than aggressive or submissive.  (A  D  ?)

• balance our flaws and mistakes with the good in us.  (A  D  ?)

• (add your own trust items)

•  

        This summary is suggestive, not comprehensive. Change or add any items to make this more com-plete and relevant. Note that this summary omits trust-items related to mates, kids, relatives, friends, possessions, Nature, government, and assets. Special social roles and relationships - like mate-mate, parent-child, and employer-employee merit unique trust items.

        Each item above is a chance for betrayal (broken trust) or relationship satisfaction and security. Note the key phrase …want to…” If someone provides trusts like these out of duty, guilt, shame, or fear, instead of genuinely wanting to, would that fill your needs for trust?

An important implication of this inventory is “I don’t trust you” can have many meanings. One is "I don't feel safe with you." Another is "I don't trust you to value me or my needs equally with your own."

  How does this trust disorder relate to the other false-self wounds?

        It relates In many ways. Early-childhood betrayals (caregiver neglect) and resulting distrusts pro-mote excessive fears ("I'm not safe here!"), reality distortions, ("I know you love me, though you're never around."); and core shame ("You let me down again. I must be worthless.") Extreme infantile distrust (fear) may block the normal instinct to form healthy bonds with other key people and/or to one's Self (Reactive Attachment Disorder, or RAD).

        That means that excessively-distrustful (wounded) people, specially if fear-based and/or shame-based, can't feel, express, and/or receive genuine love. Common symptoms of this are never marrying, a series of broken relationships, cyclic "approach-avoid" relationships, difficulty empathizing and sharing intimacy, "coldness," chronic detachment, codependence, and/or other addictions.

Significant fear promotes distrust, and vice versa. So working intentionally to reduce worries and fears is likely to automatically improve your range of realistic trusts!

  Does this dis/trust wound affect spiritual health and growth?

        Try saying your definition of "spiritual health" out loud, and then compare it to these ideas: "Spirit-ual" refers to a person's attitude about, and belief in, unseen entities that affect life on Earth - like God, angels, and demons. Sociologists report that people of every age and culture evolve a framework of spiri-tual beliefs to help them explain and adapt to Natural phenomena and to try influencing them.

        "Health" refers to how close to optimal "functioning" an adult or child is at any time. So "spiritual; health" can mean how well a person's attitudes and beliefs about "spirits" consistently promote personal, family, and social contentment, serenity, and satisfying relationships. Some believe that spiritual health and practices affect physical health and longevity. Do you?

        "Spiritual growth" acknowledges that as people age, they change their beliefs about a Supreme Being and other "spirits." "Growth" implies that there can be progress toward an optimal set of spiritual beliefs, in someone's opinion.   

        Wholistic health usually includes significant spiritual faith (unflinching trust) that there is a loving Higher Power who knows and cares about our lives, hears us in calm times and crises, and reliably offers wise guidance and resources (like strength, resilience, inspiration, and hope) to help us adapt to life's  challenges and manifest our unique life purposes.

        Typical young kids deprived of healthy spiritual (vs. religious) guidance, and/or who are taught to fear God, Satan, "demons," "sin," and "eternal damnation in the fires of Hell," develop a reflexive spiritual dis-trust that promotes false-self dominance and the crippling belief that the world is a dangerous place.

        True recovery from false-self wounds promotes - and depends on - growing trust in a stable, nurtur-ing, responsive Higher Self and/or Higher Power. This growth helps to significantly increase daily serenity and reduce major fear, guilt, shame, and reality distortions, over time.

  How does dis/trust affect false-self formation?

        Personalities evolve in early childhood, and may have genetic components. From 29 years' clinical research, I propose that to survive, the personalities of average young kids suffering significant abuse, neglect, and abandonment, fragment into semi-autonomous, well-intentioned subselves or 'parts.'

        One universal subself is a talented group leader - the true Self. Because the Self (capital "S") is inexperienced in childhood, the other subselves distrust and ignore its judgment to fill daily or special needs.

        At any time, the several active subselves that control the host person can be called a false self, because they lack the innate good judgment of the Self. If a young child's caregivers are also ruled by false selves (psychologically wounded), the child's subselves' distrust in the safety of the world increases.

A core wound-reduction ("recovery") goal is to intentionally grow the trust of all personality sub-selves in the wisdom, motivation, courage and reliability of the resident true Self and a caring Higher Power. Progress toward this goal manifests as increasing self assurance, self-confidence, serenity, and making complex decisions wisely and deliberately vs. impulsively.

  PART 2 - TRUST REBALANCING OPTIONS

        Let's put the basic ideas above to work for you now, starting with a...

Status Check

        On a scale of –10 to +10, how would you rate yourself as being a "trusting" person? How would several people who know you well rate your trustworthiness on the same scale? Typical people ruled by false selves are at either end of this spectrum, vs. the middle ("I'm calm and selective about whom I trust. I trust my own judgment in deciding what to do.")

        Picture some people that you "don't trust," and some you do. How aware are you, generally, about trusting your own and others' judgment, intentions, and perceptions - and your Higher Power? Distrust feeds subselves' fear and vice versa, and may promote excessive guilt and shame ("I should trust my spouse / boss / minister / child / mother but I don't. I'm a bad person.")

  Assess for Excessive Trust and Distrust

        Trusting or distrusting yourself, other people, and/or the environment "too much" (in someone's opinion) may indicate false-self dominance. So the basic question is "Am I often ruled by a false self?" Project 1 in this Website offers a series of experience-based worksheets to help answer this question. Read how to best use them here.

        If you decide that you or another person has enough wound-symptoms to qualify as a Grown Wounded Child (GWC), then use the following checklists to assess for excessive (a) self-distrust, and (b)  dis/trusting people and the world "too much."

Your Self-trust Profile

        If a false-self often controls you, you'll feel that's normal, and your clever Magician subself may con-vince you that you trust your own perceptions and judgment "well enough." However, from historical events, your well-meaning Doubter, Pessimist, Worrier, and Perfectionist subselves may not trust "you" and/or others -generally or in special situations.

        To gauge your Self trust, rank each of these items 1 (I totally distrust this) to 5 (I have absolute faith and confidence in this). If you’re unsure, use “?”. Note that uncertainty is a form of distrust. If your trust varies, put a range: (“3 to 5”).

“In the last several months, I have trusted my ability to…

• _ perceive and _ understand what’s going on inside me accurately __

• _ perceive and _ understand what’s going on outside of me accurately __

• clearly discern what I need, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally __

• think and make decisions effectively in _calm and _ stressful situations  __

• fill my primary needs ("take care of myself")  __

• balance my needs with the needs of other people without shame or guilts __

• feel love and loved  __

• appreciate my gifts, talents, and achievements __

• _ discern and _ accept my limitations, _ without shame or guilt __

        And in the last several months I have trusted  my ability to…

• form and maintain healthy relationships (bonds) with selected adults and kids  __

• be honest with myself __ and other key people in my life __

• _ discern and _ balance my needs for work, play, and rest __

• _ discern and _ progress toward my long-term personal goals __

• maintain a healthy balance between pessimism, realism, and idealism  __   

• _ admit and _ heed or overcome significant \worries and fears  __

• _ admit my shame  and _ raise my self-love and respect  __

• _ admit and _ overcome my significant guilts  __

• maintain and enjoy my sense of humor in most situations  __

• see and enjoy the beauty in and around me __

• sustain _ credible hope for the future, and _ optimism about resolving my problems __

        And on a scale of 1 to 5,In the last several months I have trusted…

• my worth as a unique, person with something valuable to give the world __

• my psychological health and stability __

• my competence in each key role I have (option: rank each role separately – child of God, person, spouse, co-parent, employee, friend, …) __

• the validity of my need for spiritual awareness and growth __

• my degree of _ empathy and _ compassion for others in pain  __; and…

• my trust in my ability to trust __

        Have you ever seen a “trust inventory” like this? Would you agree that most people are distracted and often unaware of these important measures of self-trust? This inventory is illustrative, not comprehen-sive. After reflecting on these trust items, are you clearer on the the meaning of self trust and self doubt? How does your self-trust affect your integrity and your self respect?

        Option - use the assessment items above to rate the self-trust of another person.

Behavioral Signs of Excessive Trust and Distrust

        Another way to assess yourself or someone else for a significant trust disorder is to check for key behaviors with (a) other people, and with (b) the local and global environment. Reflect: do you see yourself as a "glass-half-full" person, or is your glass usually "half empty"? Would people who know you well des-cribe you as _ pessimistic and skeptical, _ realistic, or _ optimistic and idealistic? Does that match your perception?

Checklist: common behavioral signs (vs. "proof") of excessive trust or distrust...

__  Chronic ambivalence, and/or constantly second-guessing (doubting) your own perceptions, conclu-sions, and decisions; and feeling "I can't help it!" (self distrust)

__  Being described by others as "over-controlling," "manipulative," "rigid," "over-detailed," "over-cau-tious," "a worrywart," and/or "too picky." (distrusting others and yourself)

__  Significant or chronic periods of anxiety; (distrusting the world, God, and your Self. This is also a       common symptom of excessive fear).

__  Constantly over-researching decisions, and/or consulting others “too much;" or rarely researching important decisions and making them impulsively;

__  Frequent _ ambivalence, _ sending double messages, and _ difficulty making firm decisions  and/or _ acting on them.

__  Excessive reliance on other people's advice, vs. trusting your own judgment.

__  Excessive suspicion, possessiveness, and/or hoarding.

__  Habitually over-analyzing what other people really mean, think, or feel. (social and self distrust)

__  Usually being "intellectual" and "in your head." (self-distrust to manage emotions)

__  Risking personal harm or exploitation by telling personal information to strangers. (overtrust)

        More common symptoms of the excessive-dis/trust wound...

__  Avoiding conflicts for fear of “blowing up,” “lashing out,” or “losing control.” (self distrust)

__  A history of significant betrayals (lies and/or broken promises) by trusted others (overtrust)

__  An inability to exchange and sustain true emotional/physical intimacy - i.e. inability to risk or tolerate disapproval, rejection, and ultimately abandonment by key people, despite sincere assurances.

__  Excessive anxiety about revealing personal dreams, hopes, fears, emotions, values, and thoughts. Variation: habitually using vague language and avoiding clear, direct answers to questions.

__  Compulsively “mind-reading” others: assuming “I know what you’re really thinking / feeling / wanting!”  (also a symptom of fear of the unknown).

__  Habitual inability to accept merited compliments (self-distrust, and a symptom of excessive shame). 

__ A history of avoidances and procrastination, despite repeated painful personal, work, and social re-sults.

__  Reluctance to try new situations, ideas, experiences, and places - e.g. a "disinterest in travel."

__  Having a reputation as "unusually conservative," and being uncomfortable with risks and major change. (self distrust + fear of the unknown)

__  Chronically or rarely saying "No" to new situations or invitations (distrust / overtrust);

__  Being specially cynical, skeptical, and pessimistic may indicate false-self reality distortion mixed with Guardian subselves distrusting that the world and/or most people are "safe and good enough."

__  Not distinguishing between religion and spirituality, and scorning religion and/or faith in a Higher Power as a weakness and/or a crutch. (spiritual distrust)

__  Constantly needing to explain and justify personal behaviors, viewpoints, and preferences, when  others don't need to hear that. (self-distrust, and a symptom of excessive shame and guilts).

__ Rarely being firm and assertive, or asserting timidly with significant guilt and anxiety, and backing  down easily (self distrust and excessive shame)

There are other behavioral symptoms of significant trust disorders - these are illustrative. Note that excessive distrust is really about excessive fears, so reducing the latter may reduce the former if your true Self is trusted and free to lead. In general, the more symptoms above that someone has, the higher the odds s/he is dominated by a well-meaning false self. Recall: this is one of 12 false-self symptom checklists.

        If you're assessing yourself and are controlled by a false self, you're apt to minimize or deny some of these symptoms. Guard against this by having someone who knows and supports you review these symptoms with you to validate or improve your assessment.

Option - a third way to assess for "trust problems" in your life is to draw a 1-to-10 trust map of your fami-ly adults, like this respect-map exercise.

Continue with trust-rebalancing options

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Updated  October 30, 2008