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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This intro-duction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each
article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment,
vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This two-page article is written to family adults and concerned supporters who worry
about a minor child's probable addiction, and how that may be
affecting their family. If you're
concerned about an addic-ted child, picture him or her as you read...
The article offers...
This article assumes
your familiar with these ideas...
Other articles in this series
describe
options for managing your own addiction,
and adapting to an addic-ted mate,
ex mate,
or
relative. There are many hyperlinks in
this article. To optimize your focusing and learning, you may want to ignore
the links first, and then go back and follow any of interest after you
finish reading.
Why Does This Article Exist?
Widespread addiction in adults and kids is a tragic, costly
American scourge The
all have the same cause and serve the same purpose.
True addictions always indicate and pro-mote serious family
and stress.
|
This article introduces a complex subject. I
hope it will motivate you to learn more about (a) addictions and
(b) breaking and
preventing the silent
[wounds + ignorance]
that may be affec-ting you, your
family and its descendents, and other people you care about.
|
To
lay a foundation for the assessment and action options below, see if you
agree with these...
Basic Concepts
A habit is a sequence of thoughts and actions that can be
intentionally changed, like learning to chew with your mouth closed.
A compulsion is an uncontrollable repeating sequence of thoughts
and behaviors that yields some predictable emotional and/or physical results.
"Uncontrollable" means that reasoning (logic), willpower, and resulting pain
will not stop the se-quence. All addictions are compulsions, but not all
compulsions are addictions - e.g. uncontrollable hand-washing,
house-cleaning, perseverating, or nail-biting.
True (vs. pseudo) addiction to substances, activities, relationships,
and/or mood states is a sure symptom of...
-
a significantly
family and ancestry;
-
chronic
major inner pain - i.e. [hurts + guilts + shame ("low self-esteem") +
anger + confusion + anxiety (fear) + sadness + despair (hopelessness) + frustrations];
-
significant
dominance and related (psychological)
and...
-
personal, family, and societal
Why do Kids Become Addicted?
Pre-teens and teens in all socio-economic settings (like your family)
may become addicted be-cause of a mix of powerful factors like these...
-
our society allows couples to
conceive children without validating
that they're ready to nurture young kids
effectively; so...
-
some
caregivers are unable to form
healthy
with some or all other people - even their own children. Even if they
can bond...
-
typical wounded, unaware, over-busy
caregivers give minor kids inadequate supervision and nur-turance (i.e.
they
them and their developmental needs),
causing kids significant
One result is...
-
typical
kids and teens don't know how to (a)
their developmental and special needs
and (b) ask for adult help in filling them in healthy ways. This is specially true for
children in troubled,
and foster families; and...
-
drugs (including sugar, carbohydrates, and fats) reliably change brain/body chemistry
and reduce inner pain; and...
-
acquired cellular craving for some drugs
like nicotine, alcohol, and some street drugs can turn experimental and
recreational use into a compulsive dependence; and...
-
normal kids impulsively seek adventure,
excitement, and peer acceptance and approval; and...
-
many kids get too little factual information
about addiction and its effects; and...
-
pandemic global demand for addictive
chemicals in kids and wounded adults makes providing them highly profitable, despite legal and
social sanctions.
Without (a) family (vs. personal)
awareness of these things and (b) true (vs. pseudo) adult
from psychological wounds and any addictions,
these factors relentlessly
the generations
and are spreading in our society.
Addictions can be controlled, vs.
cured, once the person hits true (vs. pseudo)
and choo-ses to learn healthier ways of admitting and managing their pain
and reducing the inner wounds and un-awareness that cause it.
Until choosing true recovery, typical
childhood-neglect survivors
unconsciously choose other psychologically-wounded people as mates
and associates over and over again, despite painful results. So if a child
has one wounded parent, s/he probably has two.
I
offer these premises from almost 30 years of professional clinical research
and experience. If you're undecided on or dispute any of them, this article
will probably be of limited or no practical use to you. Recall that we're
laying the foundation for an array of action-options if you have one
or more addic-ted kids in your family.
What do these realities mean to you and your family?
Implications
Together, these premises suggest some unpleasant possibilities about you and
your ancestors and current family. Ignoring, discounting, or rationalizing
these realities suggests you and/or other family adults (a) are
ruled by a protective
and have not hit
yet; and (b) you are
of some vital realities.
If
you're concerned about the possible addiction of one of your family's young
people (or adults), imagine calling
all your family adults together and discussing these implications:
-
One or more of us adults is a Grown Wounded
Child, and needs to want to admit and reduce sig-nificant
false-self dominance and wounds.
-
As long as we ignore or defer doing that, we
all risk maintaining a low-nurturance family, and psy-chological wounds
and addictions among us all - including our vulnerable children.
-
Addiction is a family problem. If we focus only on trying
to get (the child) to manage her (his) ad-diction, we're avoiding our underlying problems. This is like
painting a house infested with termites.
-
All of us adults bear equal responsibility
for assessing our
and
reducing any we find. This is not about
blame or failure, it's about discovery, recovery, and
protecting our living and unborn descendents from inheriting the effects
of the [wounds + ignorance]
-
Our living and unborn children depend on us
to accept these realities and take responsible action to guard (nurture)
them. They cannot say this to us.
How would your family adults feel and react
to these implications? What reaction would your addicted child benefit the
most from?
Who's Responsible for Addictions?
Our society expects healthy adults to (a) be responsible (accountable)
for their actions, and (b) take adequate
of themselves and dependent children. Society also decrees that before minor
kids "leave the nest," they're not fully responsibility for some actions,
and cannot nurture themselves adequately without competent adult help.
One implication of this is that we (society) hold addicted adults
responsible for their choices and actions, but are conflicted about who's
responsible for (a) addicted children's behaviors, and (b) helping them to
recover.
An implacable reality is that most addicted adults and kids
cannot control their toxic compulsions until they hit true
regardless of what society and family members expect and demand. Other
realities are...
So a fundamental difference in
adapting to addicted kids vs. adults is in choosing whom to confront. The most powerful, caring way to help an adult
addict is to hold a well-planned family
intervention. It is
based on compassionately forcing the addicted adult to hit bottom and
take responsibility for their ac-tions and self care.
Similar interventions
with addicted kids are much less likely to help them hit bottom because
their family (i.e. wounded, ignorant caregivers) usually causes their
inner pain - and kids are not responsible for that. Notice
your thoughts and feelings now...
Restated: the best caring response to an adult's addiction
(self-medication) is an intervention focused on the adult.
The most
effective response to an addicted child is...
-
an intervention
focused on his or her wounded caregivers, and...
-
the caregivers wanting to
provide appropriate (a) limits and consequences for the child's behaviors, and
(b) appropriate education and therapy to help the child learn better ways of
managing their pain, while...
-
caregivers (c) take responsibility for reducing
their own respective wounds, pain, and unawareness and raising the
of their home and family.
How does this proposal compare with what you believed before reading this
article? What would your other family adults and supporters - including
clergy and other family professionals - say about what you just read?
| The
rest of this article is based on the idea that a child or teen is not responsible
for admitting and choosing to reduce their addiction - their caregivers
are responsible for improving the conditions that
cause the child's need to self-medicate inner
pain. Society is (we all
are) responsible for admit-ting and reducing the causes of addictions and
false-self wounds that caregivers cannot control. |
Note - this does not mean family adults should not set and enforce caring
limits with an addicted child's behaviors while they reduce their own
wounds and unawareness!
Based on the fundamentals above and these, what practical options do you have if a family
child or teen seems to be addicted?
Action Options
What follows is a skeleton outline, not a comprehensive review or cookbook
plan. Some options apply to all kids, and some depend on whose child it is
- i.e. depends on your and the child's family roles.
Universal
Options
Regardless of whether you're concerned about a biochild, stepchild, adopted
child, or foster child, your best odds to fill
your needs depend on preparing well. Check (a) yourself; (b) your primary
relation-ship, if any; and (c) your family for several factors.
1)
Check your child's bioparents
and biograndparents, and any other significant caregivers, for...
-
false-self
and
addiction, including
codependence. If you ignore,
minimize, or defer this, this article will probably be of little practical use to
you.
-
check your
knowledge. Get undistracted, and reflect honestly on these
statements. T
= true; F = false,
and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on (what?)"
I can describe the concepts of _
_
to an average teenager now. (T F ?)
I
accept
that personality subselves are normal and
real, not
"pathological." (T F ?) If you don't,
read this letter to you, and try
this interesting, safe exercise.
I can
_ clearly explain the difference between a
low-nurturance and
family to another person now, and _ I can describe at
least 10 typical traits of the
latter. (T F ?)
I can
clearly describe what
is, and how it relates to personality subselves.
(T F ?)
I can clearly define what an
addiction (toxic
compulsion) is, and
the
of addiction. (T F ?)
I accept that children and teens are
not responsible for the normal reflex to self-medicate (reduce)
significant inner pain. (T F ?)
I accept that _ a true
addiction is a sign of a low-nurturance family, and that
_ addiction is a family problem, not a personal
one. (T F ?)
I believe addicts are
and cannot control their compulsion without help.
They are not weak-willed, sick,
immoral, a "loser," or
irresponsible. (T F ?)
I can clearly describe _ what
psychological
is, and
_ what needs it serves in an ad-dict’s family. (T F ?)
I can
describe at least four of the common
symptoms of a true addiction now. (T F ?)
I can describe the main difference between preliminary
(addiction) recovery and full (inner-wound)
and why the former is required for the
latter. (T F ?)
I accept that having "an addictive
personality" really means "having a
(being
controlled by a false self), and not knowing this or what to do about
it." (T F ?)
I can clearly
describe _ the difference between
and _ what it means to have an active relationship with a
responsive Higher power (T F ?)
I can
describe _
pseudo recovery from addiction, _
_
_
cross addiction, _ addiction
relapses, and
_ how well-meaning false-selves cause each of these. (T F
?)
I understand the 12 "Anonymous"
steps for addiction-management now. (T
F ?).
Our family adults know how to pick an
effective addictions (family) counselor. (T F ?)
My
true Self is
to these items now or I know which other subself is responding. (T
F ?)
Pause, breathe, and notice what you're feeling and thinking now...When you
have _ assessed yourself for
false-self wounds, and _ can confidently answer T(rue)
to each of the items above, you're ready to...
2) Check your motivation.
Why do you need to "do something" about this child's possible addiction?
Your primary needs will determine your choice of actions and your
definition of "success."
I need...
_ to
or protect this child from local and long-term stress and heartache;
_ to ease someone' s
about "causing" this child's addiction, and/or failing to reduce it;
_ to reduce a major stressor between me and
my mate and/or another family adult;
_ to protect my partner and/or another adult
(e.g. a grandparent or ex mate) from guilt, shame, hurt, and/or anxiety
about this child's welfare;
_ to "prove something" to someone relative to
this child's welfare and/or our family;
_ to earn my self-respect and/or preserve my
as a caring person and a responsible
family adult;
_ to focus on this child as a way of avoiding
something uncomfortable about me or our fami-ly; and/or I need...
_ something else (what?).
Note that your motivations to "do something"
about the addicted child originate with the personality
that currently rule your life. Do you know who they are yet?
Continue preparing to act...
3) Check Your
Primary Relationship (if
any)
If a child is harming themselves and/or chronically stressing their family
members, their caregivers are wounded and unaware. Mates in such families
often focus on one or more children's "problem beha-vior" (like addiction) to
avoid acknowledging that one or both partners aren't getting their
filled well enough. If this is true for you now,
you can best help the child long term by inten-tionally working to improve
your primary relationship.
If your Self (capital S") is
other protective subselves will probably (a) urge you to deny, minimize, or
ignore assessing for significant relationship problems, and (b) deny or
justify doing this. Notice your subselves' reaction to taking these three
assessment steps:
-
When you're not distracted and your Self is
your personality, thoughtfully fill out this
inven-tory of relationship
strengths and stressors. Then invite your partner to do the same, and
the two of you honestly discuss your results.
-
Review this
profile of a satisfying
relationship, and discuss how it relates to your situation with your
mate;
-
Review these common
with your mate, and discuss whether any of them apply to you now.
Now
apply your results. Rank yourselves on a scale of
one (I am clearly
trying to avoid admitting and acting on significant relationship problems
now) to ten (My mate and I agree that we're not trying to avoid
serious relationship problems now) ___. What does your Self (capital "S") think is the
next right thing to do now?
The
last preparation to make is to ...
4)
Check Your Adult Relatives for
false-self wounds, knowledge, priorities, and recent nurturance-level.
Pause and identify the addicted child's primary caregivers now. If these
adults are wounded, un-aware, and unable to nurture effectively, that's a
higher-priority problem for you all than the effects of the child's
toxic self-medication - unless the child's health or life is at immediate
risk. Typical near-sighted false selves will strongly
disagree with this, and/or insist that you must focus on the addicted child.
Reality: excessive inner pain
and addiction (compulsive self-medication) is a family problem.
Assessment options
-
-
use these
worksheets to assess each
of the child's main caregivers for significant false-self wounds. If you
find any, then assess whether the person is in true wound-
yet.
-
honestly rate your present family for these
high-nurturance traits.
-
use these
this inventory, and these articles to assess each caregiver's
knowledge of personalities; subselves and wounds;
wound recovery; and effective
grieving,
communication,
problem-solving; and
addiction basics.
-
use this article to assess how satisfied the target child and each main
caregiver is with their re-cent relationship. To do this, try to imagine
how the child and each adult would honestly rate each relationship
factor with the other person.
-
Discuss the implied or stated purpose
of your family with the child's caregivers. If you adults don't share a
clear family purpose, the wry title of David Campbell's
book probably applies - "If
You Don't Know Where You're Going, You'll Probably End Up Somewhere
Else."
Finally...
|
Apply your results: rank
your status on a scale of one (our family has far
more urgent problems than just this child's addiction)
to 10
(our family's nurturance level is high enough for all of us
adults to focus on deciding if and how best to help this child
hit true bottom) ___. |
Pause, breathe, and notice what your subselves are
.
+ + +
We've just reviewed four ways to prepare to effectively assess if someone's
child in your family may be self-medicating inner pain. Is this what you
expected when you began reading this article?
The
next step is to consider who's child you're concerned about -
your own genetic offspring or someone else's - e.g. a stepchild, adopted
child, or foster child. The assessment and action stakes, risks, and options
differ for each of these. Do you need a break before continuing?
