Continued...
Your Language Can
Hurt or Help
Words are powerful! For many people, the
words addict, addiction, addicted to, and addictive
personality automatically evoke shame and associations
with sickness, disease, impairment,
distrust, disgust, scorn, and pity. Is this true of you? These unconscious
associations can significantly hinder managing your or
someone else's toxic
compulsion.
Option -
intentionally choose
less evocative and more accurate terms like wounded, compulsion, and self-medicating,
as in "Maria is self-medicating her inner wounds (or inner
pain) by compulsive shopping." Notice how that feels
compared to "Maria is a shopaholic."
Our
ancestors looked to doctors to "cure"
alcoholism, so we have inherited their misconception that an
addiction is a
disease. Diseases are malfunctioning cells and
organs caused by "chemical imbalances," environmental
toxins, and germs. These do not apply to
most addictions, which
are a psychological/spiritual symptom of
+
(exception
- alcoholism has a genetic predisposition). The risk in reflexively thinking
and saying "I'm addicted - I have a disease." is
psychological.
People who feel they are sick are apt to feel less
good or whole than "well people." This promotes
and semi-conscious
("What if my disease gets worse? What if I can't heal it?")
Shame and anxiety amplify the inner pain
wounded people are trying to reduce. Unfortunately, current
12-step
literature, teaching, and programs ignorantly promote the
harmful old misconception that addictions are an individual disease
rather than a symptom of major family
More helpful terms are
psychological
wounded, vs. addicted, wounds vs.
character defect, condition, vs. disease,
and "family problem" vs. "addiction."
People who resist changing their terminology here probably
deny they're ruled by a false self.
The term addiction recovery can be misleading,
because it implies that self-medicating people "get over"
their toxic
false-self compulsion, like regaining sight after temporary blindness.
A more factual
term to use is addiction management. - e.g. "Pat is
trying to manage (vs. recover from) her overeating
compulsion." The real issue is reducing inner
pain, not focusing on compulsive self-medication.
Addicts who hit true
and accept their wounds and subselves can learn to
relieve inner pain in
healthier ways.
Using the term sobriety for non-alcoholic addictions
(e.g. "I've been sober from my sexual addiction for 11
months") risks unconscious associations with harmful biases about alcoholism - e.g. shame, guilt, and disease.
A
more neutral language choice is "I haven't acted on..." as in
"I haven't acted on my sexual compulsion for 11 months now."
Finally, note the outdated implication of the term
Anonymous
in the title of typical 12-step addiction-recovery programs
and materials (e.g. "Codependents Anonymous"). This
label came from the ancestral misperception that alcoholism
came from a shameful "weak will," surrender to the Devil
or demons, and/or "moral weakness." Our ignorant
ancestors taught each other that
addiction could be cured by willpower, moral righteousness,
and being "humble and God fearing." Not true.
Would you say that being depressed, rageful, or
having a
sleep disorder is "shameful"?
Trying to
self-medicate inherited inner pain deserves compassion and
caring
not scorn or pity!
Premise - personal, family, and societal
health would be better served if 12-step policy-makers and
members agreed to update their organizational titles to
something less inherently shaming, like "Codependents
United" or equivalent. What do you think?
|
Recap - intentionally choosing
emotionally-neutral terms to discuss addictions and recovery can
help people manage an addiction successfully. Ignoring your
terminology risks
unintentionally hindering someone's recovery because of unconscious assumptions and
word-associations. On a scale of one (I strongly disagree)
to 10 (I strongly agree), where do you stand on this premise
now?
|
You've just read what an addiction is, four types of
addiction, what causes them, typical addiction traits, co-addiction,
and related terminology options. Now we'll explore...
Recall why you began reading this. Has anything changed?
Before continuing, do you need a break?
You've probably heard or read about recovery from an
addiction. What is that?.
True and Pseudo (Trial) Addiction "Recovery"
Reality - some "addicts"
can stop their compulsive behaviors and "stinking
thinking" (self-destructive attitudes and beliefs), and
others can't. Many factors combine to explain why this is
so for a particular person and family. A comprehensive
description of these factors is beyond the scope of this
introductory article. Here are some key things to consider:
Three phases
to personal healing are...
-
pseudo or trial
recoveries,
-
preliminary (addiction) recovery, and...
-
full (inner-wound) recovery.
True addiction
recovery traits are (a) observable changes in basic
priorities and attitudes, usually including a meaningful
relationship with a Higher Power; (b) stable long-term
avoidance of the
addictive behaviors; and usually (c) genuinely committing to some
version of the key 12-step principles as daily life guides.
Some people can achieve these without attending an
in-patient treatment program and/or a 12-step program, and
others can't. I propose three interactive reasons for this:
the accumulated
from
wounds and addiction effects (moderate
to unbearable), and...
the degree of the person's
false-self
(minor to massive), and...
the
of the
person's home + family + work + community environment
(low to high)
Some
of a
low-nurturance childhood step their compulsive
behaviors but (a) start a compensating
(cross)
addiction, and/or (b) do not really adopt 12-step
principles in their daily lives. This suggests that the
person's ruling subselves are artfully pretending to "recover" without giving up their protective
toxic attitudes
and self-medicating rituals.
Usually people who have not hit their true
adopt
some form of this
pseudo recovery, which may or may not lead to one or
more
relapses to their old compulsive behaviors and
denials and/or justifications. ("Becky has started
shoplifting again.")
|
Premise - pseudo recovery is
caused by [ unendurable inner pain + unawareness or denial of false-self
dominance and wounds + an
between subselves ] who want to recover and those who are
afraid to.
This can change if the person hits true bottom and commits
to some form of
Pseudo or
"trial" addiction recovery
can be viewed as a useful step toward hitting true
bottom, rather than a "failure."
|
Typical 12-step recoverers are drilled to keep participating in
program meetings ("Keep
coming back - it works!") or risk relapsing. This
rule
is validated by relapses among people who "don't
work their program" and stop regular 12-step
attendance, and fewer relapses among regular attendees.
|
Premise - most
(all?) relapses are really caused by the person (a) not
hitting
first, and (b) not committing to permanently
reduce their inner pain by
their resident
harmonizing their team of
and improving the nurturance-level of their relationships,
home, religious community, and workplace/s.
|
Most lay and professional people (including media pros) don't know or
accept this proposed
definition of
the cause of the four addictions and how to "treat" that cause. The
good news is - this is slowly changing. The bad news is - minor kids in addicted families are still
false-self
wounds and ignorance, and learning to self-medicate their
inner pain. For
practical ideas on how to reduce this tragic cycle,
see this series of
articles.
+ + +
We've covered a lot of ground in these two pages!
Before applying these concepts, take a...
Status Check
See where you are now. T = "true;" F = "false,
and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends on (what?)"
I can
describe the concepts of _
_
to an average teenager now. (T F ?)
I accept
that personality subselves are normal and real, not
"pathological." (T F ?) If you don't,
read this letter to you, and try
this interesting, safe exercise.
I can
_ clearly explain the difference between a
low-nurturance and
family to another person now, and _ I can describe at
least 10 typical
traits of the
latter. (T F ?)
I can
clearly define _ what an
addiction is, and
_ the
of addiction. (T F ?)
I accept that _ a true
addiction is a symptom low family nurturance, so
_ addiction is a family problem, not a personal
one. Restated:
effective
addiction management is much more likely if the
family changes, not just the addict. (T F ?)
I believe addicts are
and cannot control their compulsive
self-medicating without human and spiritual help. They
are not weak-willed, sick,
immoral, a "loser," a sinner, or
irresponsible. (T F ?)
I can
clearly describe what
is, and how it relates to personality subselves.
(T F ?)
I can clearly describe _ what
psychological
is, and
_ what needs it serves in an addict’s family. (T F ?)
I can
describe at least four of the common
of a true addiction now. (T F ?)
I can
describe the main difference between preliminary
(addiction) recovery and full (inner-wound)
and why the former is required for the
latter. (T F ?)
I accept that having
"an addictive personality" really means "having a
(being
controlled by a false self), and not knowing this or
what to do about it". (T F ?)
I can clearly
describe _ the difference between
and _ what it means to have an active relationship with a
responsive Higher Power (T F ?)
I can
describe _
pseudo recovery from addiction, _
_
_
cross addiction,
_ addiction
relapses, and
_ how well-meaning false-selves cause each of these. (T F
?)
I
understand the 12 "Anonymous"
steps for addiction-management now. (T
F ?) .
My
true Self is
to these items now
or I know which other subself is responding. (T
F ?)
|
Now we're ready to apply these addiction fundamentals to
people you care about - starting with you.
If you feel you
may be significantly wounded and addicted - or you're sure you are
- study
this for preliminary
recovery options. Otherwise, read on...
|
If You're
Concerned About
Another Person's Addiction
After (a) learning family-nurturance, addiction, and
personality-subself
basics, and (b)
yourself for significant wounds and addiction, three options
you have are to...
-
or
confronting the
other person, and deny or justify this;
-
prepare to confront
them, and...
-
confront
the person and/or any enablers.
Confront means
to...
-
identify and respectfully
your needs and
(limits),
and...
-
invite the other person/s to make healthy
changes in certain toxic attitudes and behaviors.
Let's look at each of these
alternatives:
1) Defer Confrontation
Typical wounded people who haven't
are
ruled by subselves who are scared to admit (a) addiction
and its causes and effects, and (b) implications (like "I am really wounded,
and need to heal!")
Their degree of combined fear + guilt + shame will determine the degree of
"resistance" they have (low to high) to even the most loving confrontation.
Your near-sighted subselves will probably have anxieties about confronting
someone about their wounds and addiction. For
example, they may cause thoughts like..."But
what if (the other person)...
-
rejects me ("Mind your own
business!) and shuts me out?"
-
rages, screams and yells,
gets physical, or runs away?"
-
has a breakdown?"
-
increases their
addiction?"
-
blames me for their
wounds and addiction?"
-
attacks me about things I
don't want to face?"
Your subselves' fears and
uncertainties may be
intense enough to overcome your true Self's desire to confront (a) the reality of
family
and (b) the addicted person. Your protective subselves may
lobby for
one or more strategies like these...
Deny:: "S/He is not really addicted!" (dominant
subself)
Minimize: "S/He seems
to be addicted, but it's not that bad." (Magician subself)
Justify:
"It's really best if I don't risk confronting (the other person) now (or
ever) because..." (Magician and
subselves); and/or...
Analyze, intellectualize, and
rationalize: "Let me (numb my feelings, and) figure out
why
s/he's addicted."
and
subselves)
Worry privately or publicly all the
time: anxiously repeat a stream of awful scenarios in your mind, but say
or do nothing about them. (dominant
and/or
subselves) A toxic variation of this is for your false self to become
to
(codependent on) your addict. Or your subselves may…
Whine, complain, and/or plead with
the target person to "do something" about their behaviors or habits for
your
sake and/or affected minor kids - but set no limits or consequences. Your
ruling subselves
can choose to be a victim
persecutor (1-up), or rescuer (1-up)
in
your
And/or
they
can...
Try to manipulate and control
the other person to change her or his priorities and behavior
- e.g. "hide the
bottle," get someone to "talk to" the person, lay on guilt trips, withhold,
threaten (but don’t follow through), etc. (dominant
subself).
Other
strategies to justify deferring a confrontation may include...
Criticizing, ridiculing, and/or blaming
the person privately or publicly: "I can't believe how thoughtless and selfish
you are..." (dominant
subself);
And/or your subselves may..
Lecture, moralize, and/or preach: "Let
me tell you what you have to do, and why..." (dominant
subself); and/or...
Punish: "If you're going to treat
me/us that way, I'll (make you hurt)." (a dominant
and/or
Obsess and feel responsible: "I
must fix this awful, scary problem!" and/or “I must be doing
something wrong!” (dominant
and/or
subselves);
Avoid ("cut off") the other person and/or situations that cause you
about them, and deny this and/or pretend you haven't pulled back. (dominant
+
+ Magician subselves); and/or you can...
Pray for a miracle and fantasize about the person "suddenly waking up to reality;"
(dominant
and
subselves); and/or...
Repress your feelings and needs,
and stoically endure: "Well, that's just the way it is. Look at the
good things we have…" (dominant
and
subselves).
Add
any other
favorite confrontation-deferment strategies...
Protective false-self responses
like these aim to...
-
reduce anxiety about admitting the other person's toxic compulsion and it's impacts,
and to...
-
avoid scary confrontations and conflicts.
Deferment choices like these
unintentionally increase
the addicted family's long-term problems and
Ideally, one of you will “hit bottom.” You’ll exceed your tolerance-limit
for pain, weariness, and hopelessness, and break your protective denials. This is more likely if
your
(capital "S") leads your
The Web address of this
series is
http://sfhelp.org/basics/addiction1.htm