Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents Analyze relationship
problems so you can solve themp. 1 of 3
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
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The Web address of this three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/basics/analyze.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds, building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This intro-duction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?
+ + +
This article proposes a flexible framework for analyzing (vs. solving) any relationship problem - i.e. for determining objectively (a) who has (b) what unfilled needs, and (c) what prevents filling them well enough. Once these questions are answered, then use this win-win problem-solving method to fill your primary needs.
The article exists because of my experience as a family-systems therapist since 1981. Over 1,000 self-referred Midwestern-U.S. women and men have taught me that average adults often have trouble admitting, identifying (analyzing), and solving common relationship problems successfully. One tragic result of this is our unremarked American divorce epidemic. Another is millions of psychologically- wounded kids lacking appropriate help.
Few adults and no kids have been taught how to analyze their internal and social problems accur-ately. I am a professional problem-solver. I draw on my college training and experience as an engineer (21 years) and a family-systems therapist (29 years) to offer the problem-analysis framework below.
Contents
This article covers...
Perspective on relationship problems
Why most people can't analyze relationship problems effectively
Eight options for analyzing any relationship problem
An example of these options in action
A summary checklist of these problem-analysis options, and...
A status check to see where you stand with these options.
How would your life feel if you could prevent or solve most personal and relationship problems? If you have (or may have) kids and/or grandkids, how would you feel if you could teach them how to do this?
To get the most from reading this article, think of several satisfying relationships you have now, and then identify several relationships that are frustrating, disappointing, or stressful. Keep these in mind as you patiently study these basic ideas with the curiosity of a student..
traits of a high-nurturance family. How many of them does your family have?
an introduction to normal personality subselves - slides or text.
four requisites for satisfying relationships. Do you have them?
premises about relationship problems (unfilled needs);
the vital difference between surface needs and primary needs;
how to dig down to discern your or someone else's current primary needs;
key attitudes that affect your relationships with yourself and other people;
the difference between superficial and core-attitude changes, and why that's useful; and...
how and when to use seven vital skills to do effective problem-solving with any personality subself, adult, or child.
If you're not motivated to study these key ideas now, I suspect you're probably controlled by a pro-tective false self.
Perspective on "Relationship Problems"
Premises - A social "relationship" exists when the existence and/or actions of one person signifi-cantly affects another person physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or spiritually - in someone's opinion. Our relationships range from mutually-chosen to one-way to forced, genuine to pretended, dependent to interdependent, platonic to intimate, primary to secondary, and satisfying to stressful.
Your health and the quality of your daily life are shaped by your relationships - including the rela-tionship with your self, and with a meaningful Higher Power. Reflect - how many relationships "signifi-cantly" affect your wholistic health now? How many of these key relationships are satisfying and enjoy-able, and how many are stressful (dissatisfying)? What makes this difference?
All infants, kids, and adults (like you) have dynamic needs (discomforts). Needs come in random, complex, dynamic clusters. They range from primary to secondary, and physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional. Social relationships and groups exist to fill people's dynamic needs - i.e. to reduce a mix of minor to major current discomforts. Do you agree?
When people (like you) can't fill (satisfy) a current need, they experience a problem, and frus-tration. All conflicts, arguments, and fights are attempts to fill clashing needs between people or per-sonality subselves (inner conflicts). Have you ever thought of your problems as "unmet needs"? From this view, relationship "problem solving" means "identifying and filling our needs."
Let's get more specific. Which of these common stressors are significantly affecting your rela-tionships with key adults and kids now?
Notice what is not included in that table - relationship problems about money, vehicles and appli-ances, vacations, holidays, jobs, relatives, home maintenance, relocations, politics, education, pets, possessions, school. retirement, religion, hobbies, etc. These can be significant stressors - and they are all secondary (i.e. symptoms of primary problems).
Pause and reflect. Think of several problems ("stresses") you and other family members have ex-perienced recently. On a scale of one (consistently ineffective) to ten (consistently effective), how would you rate your family adults' problem-solving ability? Would other members' and knowledgeable friends agree? Have you and other family members ever studied "problem solving"? Are your kids learning this priceless skill? The first step in this skill is problem analysis and identification.
Unless you're practiced at identifying the primary needs causing the problems above, you may say "Huh? Most people do know how to analyze (vs. solve) their problems." Study these examples of "dig-ging down" and this summary of three "problem levels." Then see what you think.
My experience over five adult decades suggests that identifying relationship problems accurately is hindered by several factors. Check any of these that may apply to you now:
One or more people with "a problem" (unmet needs)...
__ have survived a low-nurturance (traumatic) childhood, and are significantly wounded (ruled by a false self); and...
__ they deny or don't (want to) know that, or what that means; or they don't know...
__ how or why to empower their true Self to guide their personality, or...
__ how to spot and communicate effectively with other wounded, unaware adults and kids. And...
__ most people are unaware of their primary needs, so they focus on filling surface needs - which often return; and...
__ people (a) aren't aware of effective-communication basics and skills, and (b) don't seek to learn them because their false self doesn't know what they need to know; and...
__ typical adults haven't learned to be aware of their thinking and communication proces- ses, and (b) aren't motivated to learn how to identify process- problems effectively; and...
__ some able people expect others to fill their needs for them, instead of accepting (a) responsibility to fill their own needs, and (b) the consequences of their decisions and actions; and...
__ most wounded women and men are vague on, or ambivalent about, their (and others') personal rights as unique, dignified persons. This hinders their being effective asserters. And...
__ our wounded, unaware society allows couples to (a) make unwise courtship-commit- ment decisions and to (b) conceive and raise kids without adequate prepara-tion, knowledge, and skills. Result: low-nurturance families and unaware, wounded kids.
__ very few average people (regardless of education) are aware of these factors and what to do about them. They can't teach their kids about them, so the factors pass down and spread in our generations, inexorably weakening our society. This can be prevented!
If you agree with these general premises, how do you think they're affecting your life, primary relationship, family, and any kids?
To begin, choose and keep a patient, multi-decade outlook. The steps below will take you many months to accomplish, integrate, and stabilize. The eventual daily benefits are priceless. We'll look at each of these options in more depth after this summary:
1) Learn who runs your life now: assess for false self wounds, and commit to reducing any you find. Part of this is seeking meaningful spiritual faith and growth;
2) Refine your key premises and attitudes about people, relationships, and "problems;"
3) Intentionally develop your personal and social awarenesses; and...
4) Study several essential topics and apply them in your life and relationships;
5) Refine your styles of (a) effective thinking and (b) identifying your and others' primary needs in calm and conflictual situations; and use them to...
6) (a) Evolve your version of the problem-analysis framework in this article, and (b) learn how to prioritize your needs ("problems"). Then...
7) Try your problem-analysis and problem-solving strategies and see if they help you meet your needs well enough. If not, then troubleshoot and improve your strategies.
With specially important or persistent relationship problems...
8) Use "parts work" to identify the specific personality subselves causing the problem (discomforts), and fill their needs well enough.
Use your learnings and strategies to prevent personal and family stress and protect your descen-dents from the [wounds + unawareness) cycle by teaching them these steps and guiding their progress. Then enjoy an increasing sense of accomplishment, confidence, and well-being, as life continues to present you with significant relationship problems (needs) among your own dynamic subselves, and between them and other people.
Pause, breathe, and notice your thoughts and feelings now. Are these problem-analysis options clear enough? What would it take for you to commit to your version of them? Typical false-self reactions to them sound like...
"Nah, way too complicated and hard";
"I don't need to do these things. I can analyze and solve my problems well enough;"
"Maybe later - I've got too much else to do now;" and...
"I just don't do stuff like this."
Your true Self might say "I see major benefits to learning and using these options. We (sub-selves) can succeed at them over time, and my life and relationships will be significantly better." If you don't feel something like this, why are you reading this article? If you do see significant personal and family benefits from these options, let's take a closer look at each of them...
Option 1) Decide Who Runs Your Life Now
If your reaction is "I already know who runs my life - ME!" - who is this "me" who has been making your decisions? This vital first step is about...
learning that "me" may be a volatile, narrowly-focused false self; or a wise, talented, far-seeing true Self; and then...
learning how to accurately evaluate (a) which of these "selves" (brain regions?) governs your life and relationships, (b) what that means, and (c) what's possible, for the rest of your life.
Start by investing some undistracted hours in studying the foundation articles above, in order. You'll get more from this if you take notes or journal as you learn. If you skip this learning, lower your expecta-tions. Then use this assessment framework to evaluate whether you have significant false-self wounds now. "Significant" is a subjective opinion.
Caution - if a false self controls you, those diligent subselves may disguise or minimize any psycho-logical wounds you have in order to protect themselves. If you feel you and/or others you care about have significant wounds, then learn about wound-reduction ("recovery") - slides or text.
2) Refine Key Beliefs and Attitudes
When your Self (capital "S") is clearly in charge, get undistracted and thoughtfully compare these premises with what you currently believe. If you disagree with many of the premises, this problem-analy-sis framework may be of little use to you and your family.
Next, read this summary of some key good/bad, right/wrong attitudes that can either cause or re-duce relationship problems. Every adult is responsible for knowing and validating key attitudes like these in your shared goal of effective problem-solving. The goal here is to help each other be aware of the key attitudes that shape your relationship-expectations and behaviors.
Usually, toxic attitudes like superiority or inferiority, cynicism, prejudices, and bigotry indicate ig-norance and unseen false-self dominance and wounds. Trying to permanently moderate or reverse toxic attitudes without freeing your true Self is like trying to paint a house with a toothbrush.
When you feel ready, your next analysis-preparation step is to...
3) Develop Habitual Self and Social Awareness
Personal awareness is essential for effective problem-solving. My experience for 50 adult years is that most warp-speed, over-stimulated (distracted) Americans are usually unaware of what's going on inside themselves and between them and other people - now and over time. On a scale of one (very unaware) to ten (always very aware), how aware do you feel you usually are? ___ What prevents you from being more aware?
When your Self (capital "S") is steadily directing your personality...
study the primal skill of awareness. Then...
practice this simple exercise regularly until it becomes an unconscious habit. As you do...
find one or more willing partners, and practice communication (social) awareness with an exercise like this.
As you progress at these, stay aware that the biggest block to healthy self and social awareness is a reactive false self allowing and/or creating inner and outer distractions.
Option 4) Learn Key Fundamentals
Typical adults don't know what they don't know - and they don't have any reason to find out. Use these quizzes to check your knowledge level on up to seven essential topics:
families - and if appropriate...
effective parenting, and...
Follow the links in these quizzes to affirm and expand your knowledge. Take your time. Imagine how each of your family adults and co-workers would do on each of these quizzes. Wonder how motiva-ted each would be to learn these foundation topics. When you can confidently answer each quiz ques-tion, you're ready to use the relationship-analysis framework below.
Part of learning effective communication skills is learning to dig down to discover the primary needs that cause most personal and relationship problems. Learning to rely on this essential skill will help you avoid wasting time and energy by trying to resolve surface (secondary) problems.
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Updated October 10, 2008
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