Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents Analyze Relationship
Problems so you can solve themp. 2 of 3
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
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Eight problem-analysis options, continued from p. 1
As you experience your Self guiding your decisions and you grow your awareness and knowledge, patiently...
Option 5) Sharpen Your Thinking
All problem-analysis and resolution depends on how effectively you and others think - i.e. how your tireless personality subselves...
process sensory and mental information,
communicate with each other, and...
affect your body organs, muscles, and glands.
Have you ever wondered what the purpose of your thinking is? Do you include instincts, senses, images, and hunches as part of "thinking"? Do you have unconscious thoughts? Do you think they significantly shape your perceptions and behaviors?
For fun, see if you can define "effective (vs. 'clear' or 'logical') thinking." Compare your definition with these proposals...
The purpose of thinking is to...
make accurate sense out of current and chronic sensory and mental information so...
you can decide what you and other people need; so...
you can make wise, healthy short and long-term decisions about what to do and not do, in order to...
fill current and long-term needs.
Thinking is effective when it (a) accurately identifies current personal mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual needs and (b) promotes filling those needs well enough.
Another view is...
To be effective, thinking must allow the host person to label, understand, and adapt to ceaseless internal and environmental changes so s/he maintains stable wholistic health and serenity, and consistently fills developmental needs in a healthy way.
With your definition in mind, rank how effectively you usually think from one (very ineffective) to ten (very effective) in ___ calm and ___ stressful situations. Don't confuse knowledge, or expressing your thoughts, with thinking.
Would others who know you well agree with your two rankings? Option - rank the thinking-effective-ness of key adults and kids in your life. Who has been the most effective thinker you have known? The least? How do you judge that?
Now at your own pace, study and perhaps discuss these...
typical Q&A about the personality subselves who cause your thoughts and feelings, and...
how your Self can communicate with your subselves. And study this...
perspective on clear and fuzzy thinking (communication between your subselves), and...
how typical male-brain and female-brain thinking and priorities differ.
If you're skeptical or curious about normal personality subselves, read this letter to you with an open mind, and then try this safe, interesting experience. Then see how you feel. For perspective, about 80% of site visitors responding to a poll say "Yes, personality subselves are real, without question."
Next, become aware of your own thinking in calm and stressful times by...
noticing who's doing your thinking - your true Self, or other active subselves (a false self)? Either way, notice your outcomes - how often your needs are filled well enough. And...
patiently teaching your Guardian and young subselves to...
be alert for significant inner and outer distractions, and to reduce them in important situations to help them stay focused; and teach them to...
trust and follow your Regular-subselves' perceptions and wisdom, and to...
be aware of and minimize false-self assumptions, and to...
stay focused on one thing until you're done with it; and to ...
stay aware of your time-focus - past, present, or future; and...
in important conversations, avoid...
vague words like him, her, it, them, they, those, that, stuff, things, etc., and avoid..
"hand-grenade" (emotionally explosive) terms like loser, rape, abuse, wimp, failure, disaster, sissy, insensitive, selfish, stupid, childish, weakling, ridiculous, etc.
Do you feel that practicing steps like these could improve the effectiveness of your thinking? If you try these steps, what impact might that have on your relationships, serenity, self-esteem, self confiden-ce, and productivity? Notice how your dominant subselves react to these questions...
Progress with the five prior analysis steps will empower you to use...
Option 6) Define Your Primary Problems (Unfilled Needs)
The first step in any effective problem-analysis is to use awareness to acknowledge "I have a problem (unfilled need)" If this seems obvious, consider how many adults and kids (false selves) numb some or all of their emotions, and minimize ("It's no bid deal") or deny ("Naw, I'm fine") significant dis-comforts? Do you ever do that? What would people who know you well say?
The next step is to determine "What is my problem?" With relationships, answering this is often hard. If you accept that interpersonal "problems" are unfilled needs (discomforts), then the question be-comes "So what do I need now?"
Typical unaware, over-busy people (like you?) don't realize that what they think they need is not what they need. This is because few busy, distracted people are motivated to look below their surface or intermediate needs (levels 1 and 2) to discern the primary needs (level 3) that cause them.
This often results in people trying to fill surface needs (e.g. to lose 15 pounds) but the underlying primary need (to value themselves and want to maintain a healthy lifestyle) goes unacknowledged and unfilled - so the pounds return again and again.
There's usually an even deeper (unconscious) need (level 4) - to persuade the well-intentioned per-sonality subselves who discount or sabotage wanting a healthy lifestyle (a false self) to (a) trust and fol-low the resident true Self's leadership, and to (b) permanently shift key values and goals.
For more perspective on need-levels, study these examples of typical surface and primary relation-ship problems. Then study these three examples of mates "digging down" to discover the primary needs causing several common surface problems. Think of several current (surface) relationship needs you'd like to satisfy, and imagine "digging down" to discover what you really need. Get undistracted and try it!
Primary vs. Secondary (Surface) Needs
One of the most common reasons for not defining relationship problems accurately is few adults and no kids know how to identify their and their partners' current primary needs. Our dynamic emotions and body-states are like internal telegrams. Each one signals...
one or more current primary needs (symptoms: fear, anger, frustration, hunger, guilt, confusion, exhaustion, etc), and/or...
the current status of key needs (relief, satisfaction, comfort, frustration, unease, dissatisfaction, etc.) and each emotion signals...
the degree of harmony and security among our subselves (low > high); And your emotions and body-states indicate...
a reaction to perceived environmental events - like hurt, dread, awe, love, disgust, excitement, joy, affection, confusion, elation, curiosity, etc.
So every emotion is a reliable pointer to your current primary needs. That's one reason why developing your awareness is so vital. Note - labeling some emotions as "negative" (e.g. fear, rage, guilt, lust, boredom, horror, disgust, shame,...) risks missing their valuable information. ALL your emotions are helpful! They exist for a reason!
Sort and Prioritize
Often, "relationship problems" are clusters of concurrent surface and primary discomforts (unmet needs). In important and complex situations then, effective problem analysis aims to identify and rank-order each significant need in you and each partner. For example: in a major dispute (like "you're spen-ding way too much on our credit card!") you and I both need to feel ...
genuinely respected and appreciated,
well-heard ("I need to you want to hear my side"),
feel clear on what we each need, and...
hopeful of a mutually-satisfactory solution, and we need to...
honor our respective integrities, and we each need...
each of us to want to patiently brainstorm and compromise as needed.
To keep things interesting, you may rank needs one way, and your partner/s rank them another way ("My need to get to the dentist is more important than your need to buy new underwear now.") This underscores the value of your family members knowing how to identify and resolve values conflicts. Do you all have an effective strategy for doing that so far?
Labeling
Words liked crisis, disaster, breakdown, overwhelm, doom, calamity, and catastrophe can be "hand-grenade" (emotionally explosive) terms. Used impulsively, they can raise people's E(motion)-levels (anxieties), block clear hearing, and promote hasty decisions. So - in stressful situations, be aware of the words you and others use to describe your problems and their meanings.
So far, we've reviewed six options for identifying typical relationship problems accurately - check for false-self wounds; improve your awareness, thinking, attitudes, and premises; and learn several key topics. Give priority to learning how to dig down below surface needs to discover what you really need.
Progress on these six options prepares you for...
Option 7) Try Your Analysis Strategy, and Troubleshoot as Needed
As you see, analyzing average relationship problems can seem complex. Because there are many variables (including the personality and circumstances of each other partner), your strategy may not al-ways work (identify your primary needs). If that happens, you have several options:
Decide it's someone else's fault, and make no changes to your strategy; or...
Assume you're a failure as a problem-solver, and/or that your strategy is no good; or...
Troubleshoot - review your problem-analysis strategy and improve any of these;
I couldn't keep my true Self in charge. This may cause any of these other problems:
I didn't try to identify which of my subselves were causing my problem;
I didn't distinguish between problem analysis and problem solution;
I tried to analyze while I was distracted physically or emotionally;
I didn't practice steady personal and/or communication awareness;
I (my subselves) didn't stay focused on one problem until it was solved;
I allowed my thinking to be fuzzy and unfocused;
I didn't identify my primary needs accurately or specifically;
I didn't prioritize my needs, and (my subselves) got confused and/or overwhelmed;
I (my subselves) didn't check for inaccurate or inappropriate assumptions;
I forgot to identify what I can change, and what I can't;
I forgot to use patient empathic listening with my conflicted subselves; and/or...
I (my false self) gave someone else responsibility for filling my primary needs.
To assess and correct these problems, your true Self must be steadily in charge of your personal-ity. The more you practice your problem-analysis strategy, the more automatic it will become.
In most important relationship problems, few people are aware of the primary needs to identify...
which personality subselves are causing their main discomforts,
specifically what each of these subselves need now, and...
why they don't trust the wise resident true Self to fill their needs well enough.
Once these questions are thoughtfully examined and answered, the host person can evolve and use their version of "parts work" to fill these active (upset) subselves' needs well enough (problem-solve). If the host person (you) are fluent enough with these skills, then the initial discomforts ("problems") will recede permanently.
Example - a Parenting Problem
Monica is troubled by her 13-year-old daughter Jessica's reluctance to talk to her about some friends, feelings, and activities. She tries not to pry, and remains frustrated at Jess's vagueness, shrugs, and silences. Monica is aware of her chronic discomfort, but doesn't label it as a "relationship problem." Monica isn't aware of how to identify relationship problems, or of how she attempts to solve them.
The Old Way
Like most parents, Monica tries the direct approach to filling her surface need for information by as-king Jess "What are you feeling?" and "What did you do with your friends yesterday?" Typical respon-ses are "Nothin'," "I dunno," and "Oh, you know - stuff." Repeated questioning yields little more informa-tion, and a growing frustration and irritation in Jess for her mother "bugging" her.
Paradoxically, Jess needs to vent about her friends and experience, but doesn't feel safe doing so because her (concerned, unaware) mother lectures, interrogates, and criticizes her and her friends too much, instead of listening empathically. Monica does this unconsciously, partly because her own mother had been intrusive and overcritical at times, and didn't model empathic listening, appropriate boundaries and trust, or respectful feedback.
Young Jessica doesn't know how to describe what she's feeling or needs [to trust her mother to accept, trust, and respect her, and to provide empathic guidance], so she unconsciously stays guarded - and feels vaguely guilty about that. Eventually, Monica stops asking Jess for information, other than superficial "Did you have a nice time, dear?"
She sees no options, and endures degrees of frustration and anxiety which subtly degrade their relationship. At times, Jess's subselves interpret this behavior as her Mom not caring much about her, tho she doesn't say so. This increases the wall that is developing silently between them.
Monica's husband has no suggestions, and has his own frustrations with their daughter (and his wife). No one knows how to identify and assert some of their relationship needs, which hinders problem-solving and family harmony.
Bottom line - these three average family members aren't getting some important relationship needs met, because they're unaware and uninformed. The adults don't see this, and have no clear strategy for analyzing and solving role and relationship problems.
A New Way
Monica's sister Karen tells her of the ideas in these problem-analysis and problem-solving articles. She says they're helping her define and fill some key needs with her husband and father. Monica studies the ideas, and makes progress with them over some weeks. The idea of being governed by a "false self" upsets her, and she determines to free her true Self for many reasons. Karen is doing the same, and they encourage and coach each other.
As Monica learns who her subselves are and how to recognize when they have disabled her Self, she tries out new (Project 2) problem-solving skills with her family. They feel awkward at first, but she perseveres. She learns that chronically withholding information can indicate that the other person doesn't feel safe to disclose. She wonders guiltily if her daughter feels unsafe with her.
She discusses this with Karen, and asks her help in digging down to better understand her needs.
Karen - "So what do you need from Jessica?"
Monica - "I want her to... no, I need her to feel safe to disclose her feelings, needs, and experiences to me."
Karen - "Well, why do you need her to feel safe to self-disclose?" (digging down)
Monica - (struggles a little) - "Uh... I really need to know that she's OK."
Karen - "Yeah, so why do you need to feel she's OK?" (more digging)
Monica - "I love her, Karen, and I'm afraid she'll get hurt. There's so much she doesn't know!"
Karen - "You don't trust her judgment to keep herself safe, so when she won't disclose you feel anxious..." (empathic listening, not digging down)
Monica - "Oh Karen, I never thought of it that way. You're right - I need to learn to trust Jessica's judgment so I can feel calm!"
Karen summarizes - "So it sounds like you need Jess to feel safe with you and to want to trust you and self-disclose so you can gauge her self-judgment and safety, and feel secure about her." (This is a statement, not a question)
Monica nods - "Yes, that sounds right on." The sisters have defined the real (level 3) problems causing Monica's frustration, confusion, and anxiety. Option - the sisters could choose to explore level 4 by lear-ning which of Monica's personality subselves were causing these emotions and whether they trusted her true Self and other regular subselves. Instead...
Karen switches to problem solving - "Well, why might Jess not trust you with what's going on with her and her friends?"
They discuss this using their learnings about communication skills and primary needs. The sisters conclude that Jess doesn't trust her mother to...
hear her empathically and accept her, or to...
help her identify and articulate her needs, and to...
make suggestions, rather than automatic criticisms, limits, and lectures.
They agree that if Monica changes her communication style with Jess, it will take some time for the girl to begin to trust that self-disclosure with her Mom is becoming safe. They also agree that Moni-ca's husband Vance needs to understand what they're discovering, and to join Monica in listening empa-thically and helping to make self-disclosure safe in their home.
Monica recognizes that if she asks Jess "Do I ever make you feel unsafe to talk to?" her dau-ghter may not feel safe to reply honestly - until Monica demonstrates that it's consistently safe to dis-close. The ideas of using assertive "I-messages" to express her needs to Jess appeals to her. So do the concepts of expecting normal "resistances" and responding to them with respectful empathic listening before reasserting her needs.
One day she feels "ready," and that her true Self is guiding her. She startles Jess by saying calmly "You know, Hon, I'm afraid I haven't done a very good job of listening to you. From now on, I'll try to do better." Her daughter doesn't know how to respond, and says "Yeh, well, um... whatever, Mom..."
Continue with this example....
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