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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing
psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce. This introduction
describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the
more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These
articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
Many relationships and families are stressed by chronic
anger and frustration. This three-page article is for people
with "anger problems" in themselves and their
relationships. The article applies to all
relationships, including adults and kids. The article
offers:
Get
the most from reading this by first studying each of
these...
-
an
introduction to normal
personality subselves (like yours) - slides
or text
-
an
overview of Grown Wounded
Children (GWCs)
-
an
overview of the silent [wounds + unawareness] cycle that
may be stressing your family -
slides or
text
-
the
requisites for a mutually
satisfying relationship
-
typical
mates try to fill with each other
-
premises about resolving
any
relationship problem and typical
marital problems effectively
-
this
sample
policy on
expressing frustration and
anger effectively..
This article offers
no "quick fixes." It provides practical options for
(a) permanently reducing exces-sive anger and frustration in
you. and for (b) responding effectively
to these behaviors in other adults and kids.
If you feel like
skipping this requisite reading, you may be controlled by an
My therapy client looked like a pro football player.
In his late 40’s, this
big man sat on the couch with tears in his eyes, face screwed up like
a child. He said “My wife, the pastor, and our therapist all say that I have
an anger problem. I don’t see it!” This stepfather’s wife had
recently demanded that he move out of their home. They had married a year
before, full of plans and hopes - her second marriage, his first. He had
moved into the home she shared with her 13 year-old son.
Neither
mate knew much about
stepfamilies, despite their large Christian church’s requiring them to take a
pre-marriage course. Now his wife was talking mental cruelty, abuse, and
divorce, despite the sincere covenant they’d made to each other
and God.
Terribly
as a boy, this anguished man wondered in his grief
if he’d die childless, alone, and unloved.
His wife could not tolerate the
way
he expressed his angers, and they could find no middle ground despite marital
and pastoral counseling.
Another client comes to
mind. She was a soft-spoken, sensitive diabetic Mom who weighed over 250
pounds before blurred vision and a blood-pressure surge scared her into losing
weight. She struggled with an unsatisfying marriage and job, excessive anxiety
about her only son, and trouble trusting a God who had allowed her to be
sexually molested as an early teen.
She had many reasons
to feel and express anger, but couldn’t. “I can’t get angry,” she said in a
little-girl voice, “I feel too
The one exception was with her
husband, whom she scorned as a parent and a partner despite his best efforts.
The ancient
from a disparaging father and her molestation, and her
repressed rage at her attacker, her mother dying when she was 13, and at an
uncaring God, were literally killing this woman as she turned 40. She
desperately wanted to live.
I could fill a book with
anecdotes of anger and frustration expressed by hundreds of
and stepfamily
clients in my therapy office. I could add scores of tales of
seething unspoken rage that froze the faces and bodies of tormented
men and women, corroded their health and their relationships, and scared their kids.
My father, sister, and I grew up in such homes.
Is anger damaging or
nourishing your important relationships? Do
you avoid and/or get paralyzed by chronically angry adults
and kids? What are your and your family's
"anger policies"? Are they your own shoulds, oughts,
and musts, or have you unconsciously adopted someone else's, like your
parents; a mentor, or a religion? How is anger affecting the
of your home and family? Have you ever thought or
discussed questions like these?
| I suspect you’re reading
this because you seek to master some
“anger problems.” This article
proposes using anger
and frustration to
nourish
your relationships. Do you think that’s possible? |
This is a complex
topic, so this article doesn't provide a cookbook solution. It offers core concepts, options,
and suggestions that you can adapt to help
use your anger as a
relationship resource.
Your "Anger Profile"
Let’s start by you
interviewing yourself to learn something about you and anger.
Get undistracted, muse, and record your reactions to
each of these statements. Notice your feelings and thoughts as you do… T
= "true", F =
"false," and "?" = "I'm not sure."
I feel a mix of calm, grounded,
focused, "light," alert, aware, centered, purposeful, relaxed,
"up,"
serene, and confident, so my
is probably answering these
questions. (T F ?)
I
see anger as a normal,
useful (vs. positive or negative) human emotion; and I
regard my
ability to feel angry as an asset in my life. (T F ?)
I
can tell the difference
between anger and frustration if I need to, and I know what
to do about each of these now. (T F ?)
My partner sees anger as a
useful emotion now, and s/he values her or his ability to feel and express
it. (T F ?)
What I learned about (a) feeling and (b)
expressing anger from key males in my childhood is … (what?)
What I learned about (a) feeling and (b)
expressing anger from key females in my childhood is … (what?)
I’m comfortable enough now with (a) how
I feel anger, and (b) how I express it with _ myself, _ my
mate, and _ any young people in my life. (T F ?)
I’m comfortable enough now with how
my mate (a) feels and (b) expresses anger at _ himself/herself, _ with me,
and with _ any kids in our lives.
(T F ?)
On a marital-stress scale of 1 (never
a problem) to 10 (the police have been called), I’d rank anger in our
marriage recently as a ___.
I know
_
how to express
anger constructively with my mate, and _ I’m satisfied with how I've done
that recently. (T F ?)
I’m comfortable enough now with
_
how my mate expresses anger with me,
_ how often, and _ why s/he does.
(T F ?)
I can remain centered and aware (vs.
numbing out, fighting, or fleeing) when my mate expresses anger at me now.
(T F ?)
My partner usually remains
calm and
centered when I express anger at her/him. (T F ?)
Neither my partner nor I
need to suppress significant marital anger now. (T F?)
I can _ clearly define the difference
between
and
aggression,
and _ so can my mate. (T F ?)
My partner and I are able to
about our marital
anger needs and conflicts.
(T F ?)
I can
clearly describe our
marital policies (shoulds, musts, oughts, and have to’s)
about
_ feeling and _ expressing
anger and frustration with each other now. (T F ?)
I want to _ show this profile to my
partner, _ learn her (his) profile, and _ discuss them together. (T F ?)
Pause to reflect
on what you’re
If there are other items you want to
include in your profile, what are they? Jot down any questions, observations,
or actions that occur to you now, and review them after you finish this
article. Can you describe why you’re reading this
- specifically?
Let’s build on your anger
profile by exploring…
Anger 101 - Basics
Get curious about how you
feel about each of these ideas:
We humans are blessed with a marvelous range of
emotions: automatic neuro-chemical responses to our sensory perceptions.
Life
without emotions would be robotic, meaningless, and probably brief, since
emotions promote our survival. Relationships that evoke few emotions are
boring, flat, and shallow. Have you experienced that?
Feeling and
expressing anger are different. Feeling it is
instinctive - i.e. hormonal and neurolog-ical. Expressing anger is
under your (potential) control. Do you agree? Exercising
such control (“anger management”) is a key part of learning to (a) identify and (b) respectfully
your
and
(c)
effectively. These are among
the seven communication
partners can help each other learn in
In resolving “anger
problems,”
it can help to separate anger from
aggression.
The latter is “I’m going to fill my needs regardless of how my behavior
affects you.” Aggression can range between calm and deliberate to angry and
impulsive. Either way, aggression (“I’m
causes hurt, resentment,
and/or fear, which all can provoke anger. Would you rather hear "You
have an anger problem" or "You're often too aggressive," (or
neither)? Do you agree that
respectful assertion is a
better relationship choice than aggression or submission?
Ancestors, some Holy books, social ignorance, unawareness,
the media, and pain
teach some (most?) U.S.
kids that anger is a negative or bad emotion.
So feeling or
acting angry produces
which amplify anger’s
“badness.”
As
a child, were you taught that your anger response is an instinctive way that most mammals react to danger, to avoid
injury, pain, and
death? So your anger response is no more
negative or positive
than sneezing, urinating, digesting., hiccups, or goose bumps. What are your
kids learning about their natural anger response?
One cost of being taught
that feeling and expressing anger is wrong is feeling you have to repress it.
Some young kids protectively develop
which
avoid pain by “numbing out,” blocking, hiding, or converting their anger
response into tears, “coldness,” passive aggression, or “indifference.” The effects of expressed and repressed anger
can cause pain, or comforts like
security, relief, and feeling powerful.
Faces, bodies, and voice
dynamics broadcast anger even if we try to repress it.
Anyone denying or minimizing current
hurt and anger usually signals
that a
controls
them - i.e. a subself feels it's not safe to feel or express anger
honestly.
Such protective
usually cause
like “I am
not angry!” said loudly with a glare, frown, and red face. Each
message comes from a different subself. Combined, they foster confu-sion,
doubt, and distrust in the receiver. These emotions block effective communication
and grieving, and hurt
relationships.
Think of recent times you’ve
felt significantly angry. Can you name what you felt just before you did?
Anger
usually follows hurt, frustration, and/or fear. Knowing this can help
you mates think and talk clearly about events (unmet needs) that cause
irritation, anger, or rage.
In relationship problem-solving, applying this
idea leads to "If you're angry with me, what am I doing (or not doing) that
hurts, frustrates, or scares you?" The same question helps understand and
resolve anger at yourself or another person.
Imbalances in neural and
endocrine (hormonal) systems can cause harmful anger behaviors. These can be
hard to distinguish from other people whose false self represses and
accumulates anger until it explodes. Competent psychiatrists can help to
differentiate and treat both of these. I suspect that organic imbalances can
be caused or amplified by serious
– i.e. anger
explosions can be psy-chosomatic reactions.
|
Anger is one kind of emotional energy.
Energy used to change or create something is power.
Anger-power can
help you to create
family relationships or
impede
them. Partners choose between these all the time, consciously or by habit and
reflex. |
Your Anger Policies
In our context, a personal "policy" is a learned set of
beliefs, values and rules (shoulds, oughts, musts, and have
to's) that regulate (a) our behavior and (b) our opinions of
other people's behaviors and standards. From social training and
life experience, every adult and child evolves semi-conscious policies about
feeling and expressing hurt, anger, fear,
needs, and frustrations (among other emotions).
A healthy
policy is one which helps you and other people fill your needs, heal, and
grow. A toxic policy inhibits these. Have you ever identified your
anger and frustration policies? Can you describe your mate’s policy? Can s/he?
See this
companion article for more
perspective on healthy policies about anger and frustration.
Anger and Healthy Mourning
Feeling
and expressing pain and anger are essential phases of healthy
So repressing grief-related
emotions
or inhibiting them in other people will
you and/or them,
promote
dominance, and weaken relationships.
Typical kids and
adults in all families have significant prior
(broken bonds) to mourn.
Premise:
incomplete or blocked grief
is one of
for
epidemic
U.S. divorce and "mental health problems.". Family
uses
awareness and
skills to detect and finish incomplete mourning. Adults' awareness of these anger
basics can help them (you) do that!
Premise: how well
people's anger and frustration policies mesh, and how toxic or healthy their
poli-cies are,
will shape (a) whether they have “major anger problems” with each other, and
(b)
how well they can use their policies to heal, grow, and strengthen their relationship.
This is true of in each key relation-ship in your life, and with your
Have you ever identified your Supreme Being’s anger policy?
“Anger problems”
take on a new perspective in the context false-self dominance and
Adding this perspective will increase your
options to reduce and avoid “anger problems” (a)
and (b)
between you and other people.
Anger and False-self
Dominance
In this
series of guidebooks and Web pages, a basic premise is that kids deprived of too
many psy-chological and spiritual
survive by automatically developing a group of protective
and
coping strategies.
Typical kids and parents aren’t aware of this, and regard the resulting attitudes and behaviors as “normal.”
If you're curious or skeptical about this premise, read this
memo to you, and then try
this safe, interesting exercise.
Then return here.
Until in true
from
false-self wounds (Project
1), most adults (like you?) are unaware of...
Typical mates in a committed
relationship can’t answer these questions about themselves
Awareness of their
subselves can help mates
and parents resolve all their role and relationship
problems!
Subselves and
Repressed
Anger
How and why do people like
my abuse-survivor mom client (and you?) protectively repress their natural
anger reflex? I propose that different combinations of subselves cause this. For
example: you feel hurt, frustrated, and/or scared, and angry subselves naturally
start to activate.
Your
subself says "Every time we
showed anger (in childhood), we got ridiculed, punished, and rejected (hurt)."
Historian may also warn "Every time we’ve been around angry men / women
/ people we’ve gotten major pain!"
At the same time, your
and
can sternly
decree "It’s shameful, to (a) feel anger and/or to (b) express it
publicly (or to certain people).” Your
may shrilly add “Don’t you dare feel or show anger! You know (something
devastating) will happen!”
Your
and/or
young
subselves contribute
fearful thoughts and feelings (“If we show anger,
(someone) will hurt me, and we
there’s no one to protect me!”). Your
can add
inhibiting emotions and thoughts like “I don’t deserve to get my needs met.
I’m selfish and disgusting.”
Your
may flood you with emotion and thoughts like “Oh NO! I’ve broken a rule again!”
Your protective
may plead “PLEASE don’t
feel (or show) anger, or Abandoned Child will be even more terrified!”
Your energetic
may activate to distract you by
urging “Come on, get busy right NOW!” Still other
subselves may
flood you with weariness, and/or images and hungers for comforting sugars or
fats.
The emotional intensity and
clamor of these all these subselves overwhelms your wise
true
Self (capital "S"),
and
subselves. To quell the
stressful uproar, your Guardian Anesthetist
or
rides to the rescue by controlling your glands so you don’t
feel hurt, scared, and angry.
Your
and/or
may
pitch in by distracting your Self with intellectual assessments of “What’s going
on here, and why?”
If your glands work and you do feel angry, your
clever
may convince you it’s some other emotion ("Naw -
you're just edgy and irritable.") .
If someone challenges this, this talented subself offers persuasive reasons why the
challenge is wrong. That gives ammunition to your
who distracts and defends by counterattacking (“There you go again, reading
my mind, telling me what I feel, and blaming me.”)
All this happens in a few
seconds below your conscious awareness.
Key results:
Little or no felt
hurt and anger, despite real
cause for it;
A chronic neuro-chemical
stress
reaction which may weaken organs and/or your immune system. I suspect this
was contributing to my obese client’s weight, diabetes, and blood-pressure
problems and related anxieties - at age 40;
The needs that
cause the
anger go unrecognized and unfilled, including the need to mourn;
Possible unconscious
passive-aggressive behavior and/or
("I am not angry!") that cause new
problems; and...
Part of your
(“I can’t or
don’t get angry.’) is strengthened.
Anger repression brings a
web of in/direct social (relationship) results too, like distrust,
confusion, and anxiety.
Can you think of
any
kids or adults who cope with stress by reflexively repressing their hurt and anger and
perhaps denying or trivializing that? Each of them has a different set of inner-family
subselves and dynamics, but their outcomes are probably the same. Until they
learn about and want to change this protective reflex, their repression is
likely to...
-
cause a cascade of other
relationship problems, and to...
-
degrade their long-range personal serenity and health.
Have you ever considered the
causes and effects of repressing (numbing and denying) normal hurt, anger, and
frustration responses like this? Does the
above make sense to you? Does it apply to you and key adults and kids
in your life? If so, how is this repression affecting your
relationships and health?
Now let’s look at the reverse of anger-repression.
Unawareness, false-self dominance, and anger (and/or
frustration)
outbursts were contributing to the collapse of my large male
client’s marriage and family, and adding new losses (broken bonds) and stress to both
mates and his
early-teen stepson.
Let’s
continue building
practical ways to manage anger by exploring how subselves
and a family's nurturance level (environment) affect
expressing
hurt, anger, neediness, and frustration. Do you need a break
first?
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