The Web address of this
three-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/basics/anger1.htm
Continued...
Typical
Primary Anger Problems
Combinations of these cause most (all?) surface anger problems...
1)
One
or more angry people are ruled by a
before or during confrontations. A mix of fearful,
guilty, or shamed
can (a) block your feeling
hurt or scared and angry; or
(b)
subselves like
and/or
and maybe
others
your true Self, and cause “rage attacks” or “explosions.”
The
exploder's reactions afterward depend on their mix of other subselves. If s/he
has powerful
and
inner kids, they'll
have one or several
like:
A
("It never
happened.");
A
("It was awful! It's
all my fault. I'm so sorry! Forgive me? Give me one more chance?”);
A
("Don't you see how you
made me get angry? It's your fault!"); or...
A
Sad / Depressed One ("I feel
so bad about it, I just can't get out of bed..."); etc.
There are
many other possible active Guardian subselves, like
etc. Often,
several Guardian subselves act at once to protect Inner Kids.
2)
A
related primary cause is
one or more angry people...
-
lack an empowered
and inner and/or outer
to grieve
well, and/or they...
-
are stuck in the (normal)
anger
phase of mourning major losses (broken bonds) - and...
-
no one knows
this or how to discuss and “fix” it. And/or...
3)
One
or more people don't (a) know or (b)
use the
seven effective-communication
- i.e. you forget to (or don’t know how to)...
-
your
-
them promptly and respectfully,
-
learn what your partner/s really need
now, and you don't know how to...
-
maintain a focused two-person
as you...
-
negotiate win-win resolutions
together as
Reality check: can you name the seven skills and
when to use them now? Can your other family adults and older kids? Are you consciously using the skills
to fill your personal and mutual needs?
More common primary anger problems...
4)
One
or more people (i.e. your ruling
subselves) may have unrealistic or harmful attitudes and beliefs about...
-
hurt, anger, neediness, and frustration ("They're negative!"),
-
hurt, angry, needy, or frustrated people ("They're
selfish, rude, weak, or bad!”), and
-
anger's causes and outcomes ("Anger never helps").
And/or...
5) Any
of you may be unaware of your personal and shared anger and frustration policies (values
and rules), and/or you don't
know why or how to improve them. And/or...
6)
One
or more of you may be unclear on the difference between feeling and expressing
anger and frustration, and the implications of that: e.g. you don't see that "It's always
normal and OK to feel anger and frustration; and you and I can learn to control
if, how, where, and when to express them!" And/or...
7)
One
or more of you (a) are unaware of
these six problems, or (b) you deny that they
apply to you, or (c) you minimize their importance.
The bad news: unrecognized, these core anger / frustration problems will degrade your health, your
relationships, and stress your family and others.
The good news: your family
adults can
reduce or heal each of these primary “anger” problems, over time - specially
if you help each other do so.
Pause
and reflect - do these primary problems make sense to you? Do they seem
believable? If not, why? If so, are you motivated to assess for and reduce these problems
in your home and family now?
Status Check
Before
looking at specific options to use anger and frustration constructively, see
where you stand: T =
"T(rue); F = F(alse), and "?" = "I'm not sure" or "It depends on..." (what?)
I
believe
that my relationship with ________ would significantly improve if we resolve some
primary “anger problems”
together. (T F ?)
I can
describe what “
dominance” is, and I know how to
for it in me and
other people. (T F ?)
I
accept
that
(a) the anger
problems ________ and I have are surface problems (symp-toms), and that
(b) to
truly resolve them, we need to
and fill the primary needs causing them. (T F ?)
I can (a)
clearly describe my and my family's “anger policies” (beliefs and values) now; and (b) I feel we can
upgrade them if they significantly lower our family's
harmony and
.
(T F ?)
I accept that
I am causing half of any
“anger problems” with (someone), though I may not see how yet. (T F ?)
I
can
describe
(a) what a
is, and (b) the difference between an
inner-family anger
and an
interpersonal anger problem now. (T F ?)
I
can
clearly describe why I'm
reading this article, and whether I’m getting what I need here, so far. (T F ?)
I feel some mix of calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, relax-ed, alert, aware, alive, serene,
purposeful, and clear; and I believe
my
is guiding my personality now. (T F ?)
If you can’t honestly answer “True” to each these yet, reading the rest of this
article may be of little practical value. Pause, breathe well, and
observe your thoughts and emotions now. Is there anything you want to
asterisk or hilight now, or remind yourself to do when you finish
reading this?
Everything you’ve read so far is “what are the problems with feeling and
expressing anger and frus-tration?” Now let’s look at your…
Options
If you
and others have some
significant “anger problems” now, your choices include...
Deny
or trivialize
the problems, intellectualize (analyze and explain) them, and/or postpone resolving them. Or you can…
Acknowledge that
some of your family members have a problem but do nothing now; endure
the short and long-term consequences together, and deny you’re doing this.
The consequences may include unintentionally
your kids psychologically, not teaching them how to use anger
constructively, and risking
loss and
trauma. Or...
Blame someone for
your mix of (surface) anger problems. Avoid taking scary or
shaming respon-sibility for resolving your part, and/or for asserting your
"This is your (or someone else's) problem, not mine!"
Or...
Consciously try to resolve your surface anger problems with or
without professional help, and cope with mounting frustration and anxiety
over time.
Premise
- choosing options like these suggests that one or
more people are
controlled by a
- and they probably don’t (want to) know that, or what to
about it.
If so, your (their) well-meaning subselves will want to deny this, or blank out or defocus you.
Other choices
include
and
filling the primary needs (above) causing your surface
“anger problems” together. As
evolve a
healthy
anger-resolution strategy from options like these.
Recap
This
three-page article is for people who seek to understand and reduce "anger problems"
in key relationships. It presents some
“anger basics” and descriptions of...
-
how normal personality subselves affect
feeling and expressing anger and frustration;
-
typical surface
anger problems,
-
a set of primary needs underlying them, and...
-
options for filling these primary needs.
Key among these options are adults and older
kids helping each other patiently
progress on
in this site.
This article's key
premise is that anger and frustration
are natural, useful emotions and energies. With awareness,
knowledge, and enabled true Selves,
your family adults can help each
other learn to direct your anger energy into healing, solving, and building your inner
and mutual relationships! Otherwise you risk anger corroding your personal
and relationship healths, and unintentionally injuring your kids as your
unaware ancestors may have done.
For
more perspective, read
this article on healthy personal and
family policies on feeling and expressing anger and frustra-tion effectively.
For more insight and options on
reducing false-self wounds and improving your communication effectiveness,
read these related guidebooks.
Before
moving on, pause and see what your subselves are
now. Did you get what you needed
from reading this arti-cle? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your wise
or
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