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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's
purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the
more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This article is one of a series on resolving common problems between
mates. The suggestions below can be adapted to use with any people having
boundary conflicts and violations. The article offers...
-
basic
perspective on interpersonal boundaries
-
a
status check on what you already know about
boundaries;
-
description
of
interpersonal
boundary conflicts and
violations, and why they're important;
-
perspective on the stressful relationship condition of
enmeshment; and the article...
-
illustrates common
surface boundary
problems and (b) the unmet
primary needs that cause them; and
this article…
-
suggests effective
resolution options
if you have significant boundary problems in an important relationship.
Get the
most from this article by first reading ...
Recently a thirty-something stepfather emailed me about dissatisfactions with his
(first) marriage. His message concluded “Don’t respond, because my wife reads
my email, though I asked her not to.” His wife’s
distrust and need for information
(security) was violating an important boundary of his.
She interpreted her
(second) husband’s request for privacy as “keeping secrets,” which made her
anxious. He did need to keep
some secrets, because he experienced her typical responses as
unsafe - i.e. reactive, critical,
unempathic, and combative. So far, this college-educated couple was not able to
use the
communication
to unravel this web of
and
mutual conflicts.
This and other dynamics were
inexorably increasing distrust, hurt, resentment, and anxiety in their year-old
re/marriage. These were growing because (it seemed to me)
both mates were ruled
by
which needed to deny that five
were heading them
toward psychological or legal divorce. When I suggested this to the
couple and proposed what to do about it, the wife quit marital therapy.
My
compassionate sense was that in her mid-40’s, her protective
were too
scared to accept the implications, and distrusted her
me as a stepfamily
consultant, and her
to overcome their version of the hazards. Her
false self proclaimed "I've done years of therapy, and I'm OK." Her actions
suggested otherwise -
protective alse-self
In working with hundreds of
courting and committed couples, I’ve seen countless variations of
such boundary problems. There are powerful options to avoid or manage them!
Status Check
Clarify what
you know now: T = true, F = false, and “?” = “I’m not sure,” or
“It depends on (what?)”
My mate and I (a) can clearly
define what a personal
is now, and
(b) our definitions agree
well enough. (T F ?)
I’m
clear enough on what a “boundary
problem” is (a)
me or my partner, and
(b) between us. (T F ?)
I
can clearly describe why
boundary conflicts can be significant marital stressors.
(T F ?)
My mate and I have evolved an effective
mutual strategy for resolving significant boundary conflicts inside and between us
now. (T F ?)
My mate and I usually feel
comfortable enough discussing (a) personal and (b) marital boundary clashes
with each other. (T F ?)
I
know why I’m reading this article (T
F ?)
My partner and I have a serious
boundary conflict now. (T F ?)
I
can (a) clearly describe effective
now, and I’m comfortable enough (b) asserting and (c) enforcing my
boundaries with my mate. (T F ?)
The same is true of my partner
with me. (T F ?)
My
true Self
is
my
right now.
(T F ?)
Pause and reflect: if you just
learned anything important, what is it? To increase your base for resolving boundary
problems, let's add some...
Perspective
See how you
feel about these basic aspects of interpersonal boundaries...
What Are Relationship
"Boundaries"?
If someone
asked you to eat a centipede, would you? Either "yes" or "no" demonstrates a
personal boundary, or limit. Here, boundaries are invisible dividing lines between
what you will and won't accept, tolerate, believe, or do. Your boundaries define
an envelope of what's currently acceptable to you physic-ally, psychologically, and
spiritually, and what isn't. “Acceptable” means “I can tolerate (something)
without taking significant action.”
For instance, “I’m OK if you work and
socialize with Terry, but I will get upset if you fantasize about sex
together or act on that.” As periods and spaces
define written sentences, your boundaries "punctu-ate" (define) your values,
tolerances, and preferences: "I like red meat, but I won't eat horsemeat or
raw hamburger."
Your family members
have many boundaries, including infants ("Emma just won't nurse now.")
We grow them automatically as our experience with pleasure and discomfort accumulates.
Because boundaries are so universal and common, we're often unconscious of how and
when they regulate our lives, until they're conflicted, violated, or
absent "too much.” Some boundaries change with age, exper-ience, and our
ceaselessly shifting environments. Others remain constant across our years.
Adults
and kids hint,
imply, declare, or shout their boundaries verbally ("OK," "No," "Not now,"...)
and nonverbally, via eye, face, voice, and body dynamics. If your
is
solidly
of your
your verbal and nonverbal boundary announcements match.
If a
false self (a group of other active personality parts) controls
your thoughts
and behaviors, you may feel uncertain, mixed, or
torn about your boundaries. You may then give or receive
confusing
about them: "You say you're not
bored, but I feel you're disinterested...?!"
Sometimes it’s useful to
differentiate between limits and boundaries. A limit is
something you can’t do, like levitate or chat with Buddha. A
boundary is something you won’t tolerate without taking some action. It may
also help you problem-solve if you separate boundary conflicts from
disputes. These occur when
people disagree over what is
right vs. wrong, good vs. bad, safe vs. dangerous, and
better vs. worse.
The boundaries we're
concerned with here separate you from another person, and regulate the
psy-chological distance between you. When your boundaries balance and
mesh, they provide you both with enough identity, integrity, safety (comfort),
and order.
Unbalanced or disrespected boundaries cause anxiety, distrust, hurt,
and anger. These choke your harmony and intimacy, and raise household anxiety.
Boundaries can be tangible (skin, doors, walls, clothing...) and invisible
(thoughts, values, preferences, emotions). Both can promote order and security,
or frustration, anxiety and stress.
Remember the last time
someone important "crossed” or violated (disrespected or ignored) your
personal boundaries? Relationships flux dynamically as each person asserts and enforces
their boundar-ies to
balance closeness (MeYou), and separateness (Me) + (You).
A key
boundary to manage together is the invisible envelope around you as a
couple. Mates may conflict or agree on what your couple-boundaries are ("Kids,
when our bedroom door is closed, we need private time, unless someone needs an
ambulance!") Couples may also agree or conflict over how and when to
declare and enforce their boundaries, and with whom ("Jan, I need you to
tell your sister to stop calling us at 6 AM!")
"Privacy"
is what happens inside your personal and couple boundaries.
Why are Boundaries Important?
Because they regulate
your security, mental + physical + emotional + spiritual comfort, serenity,
self-respect, and relationships.
Your personal, marital, and family boundaries...
determine what experiences you select
or avoid, which limits your direct knowledge ("Yes" on fudge and waltzing,
"no" on raising rattlesnakes and sky diving); and they...
define your identity as a unique person
("Judi will talk about her spiritual beliefs, but not her brother's
death or her sexual
experiences"); and boundaries...
regulate...
-
your emotional and physical
security ("No, the roads look too icy. Let's stay home today."),
and
your health ("I smoke a pack a day, but don't eat animal fat or use
cocaine."); And...
-
the emotional distance or
closeness between you and every other person ("Jerry,
I need some alone-time right now. Do you mind?")
Boundary
Conflicts and Violations
Because
we're individuals, some personal and family boundaries will
conflict
(among
personality
and among people: e.g. "You're OK with eating dinner after 8 PM, and I'm not."
A different stress occurs when one person accidentally or intentionally
ignores (“violates”) a significant boundary in
another person, like "I asked you not to buy so many lottery tickets,
but you did anyway."
Boundary conflicts
are simpler to negotiate and resolve than violations, because violations usually
require rebuilding respect and
trust, and healing
hurts and
Personal, marital, and/or
household boundary violations by kids, relatives, and ex mates can cause major
family stress.
Boundary conflicts and
violations can range from trivial (no action required) to significant (action is
required). Each of these has two levels:
surface boundary problems, and the primary problems (unmet needs)
that cause them.
Stepfamily Boundaries
Compared to first-time
couples, typical stepfamily members have extra sets of complex boundaries to
negotiate about...
-
stepfamily
family
definitions, and a complex biofamily
-
adult
and
-
co-parenting
resident and visiting stepkids, stepsiblings, and “ours” kids;
-
relations with kids' other
co-parents and relatives; and...
-
special money topics, like regular and special
child support and expenses, health and life insurances, and estate plans.
These topics are unique, but the principles of resolving boundary violations and
conflicts apply to all of them.
Recall - we're reviewing perspective
on personal and family boundary problems before exploring practical ways
to resolve them. Let's add another concept now...
Enmeshment – Too Few Boundaries
Prior divorce or marrying a divorced person suggests that a
mate came from a significantly
childhood. A common legacy from that is psychological
including excessive shame, guilts, and
fears. Wounded people tend to unconsciously choose each other as mates
repeatedly, until choosing true (vs. pseudo)
Sometimes the wounds manifest as rigid, aggressive boundaries and a high need to
control their relationships. Other times,
survivors feel they haven’t
the right to have, assert, or enforce personal boundaries, and/or they don’t
know how to
them effectively
When two
such people choose each other, they may have few to no boundaries with each
other (“John and Charlene are joined at the hip.”) They (their ruling subselves) become fused or
enmeshed, and have wispy personal identities.
Symptoms of fusion are
reflexively discouraging each other from having individual friends, hobbies,
careers, thoughts, feelings, dreams, worship practices, and solitudes. Each
partner feels high guilt and anxiety saying “no” or “not now” to their mate – or
talking about this.
relationships have unbalanced or too few effective
interpersonal boundaries.
An enmeshed relationship may satisfy some wounded couples who are unaware
of themselves and their primary needs. A high cost they pay is stunted personal
growth and muted or no personal life goals. As such couples age, factors can
combine to cause one of them to need more personal boundaries. That inevitably
raises their partner’s anxiety, and causes boundary conflicts and violations.
A variation
of this occurs when a divorced parent is enmeshed with a biochild. Wounded, over-whelmed custodial parents with few resources can
unconsciously require their child to become a
“sur-rogate mate” – a confidant,
partner, and companion. In specially tragic cases, this includes toxic physical
or sexual intimacy
From unawareness, shame, and fear, the parent (i.e.
their false self) discour-ages their child from developing an identity and
other relationships, moving out, and choosing their own partner ("growing up" /
"maturing"). Some clinicians
call such burdened kids "parentified."
If such a
parent re/marries, their enmeshment (i.e. the underlying false-self wounds) will
surely cause powerful
and
relationship
with their child and new
and prior mates. It
will also tend to confuse their child, promote serious psychological wounding,
and hinder normal develop-ment. These invite
“acting out” and a web of stepfamily relationship conflicts.
Often the child is
identified as “the problem,” not their boundary-less, wounded custodial bioparent.
An
inevitable courtship task is each partner learning to adjust their personal boundaries to mesh
well enough with
their partner’s. A related new-stepfamily adjustment problem is everyone
shifting and stabilizing personal and parent-child boundaries to include the new
stepparent and any kids of theirs. The couple needs to evolve a flexible
boundary around themselves, and help their kids evolve comfortable new sibling
boundaries of their own.
To succeed
at this, typical new stepfamily mates need...
-
awareness of boundary concepts and stepfamily
realities;
-
clear, realistic, stable, personal
(a sense of self");
-
a common language to discuss boundary needs, conflicts, violations,
and consequences;
-
effective communication
- specially awareness, assertion, and empathic listening; and...
-
tolerances for (a) changing
their
systems, and lifestyles,
and (b)
any significant losses
(broken bonds) these changes cause.
Do you know anyone
who has had trouble
biofamilies and forming
stable new boundaries?
Now you have some
perspective on “relationship boundary problems.” Let’s build on that by
exploring
(a) typical boundary conflicts and violations, (b) the common unmet primary needs that
promote
them, and (c) your options for resolving them effectively as partners.
Typical Re/marital Boundary Conflicts
The basic
interpersonal
boundary conflict is: "I will accept, tolerate, or allow (something)
without reacting, and you won't." Like abstract
these are resolved like this: You and I
(a) ack-nowledge our mutual conflict
and (b) negotiate a compromise we each can really live with, or
(c) we don't.
The
same dynamics shape boundary conflicts among your
one
subself (like
your Curious Kid) says "I want to experience 'x' (like spiders crawling
on my hand)." Another subself, like your ever-alert
says "Well
I don't! Spiders will poison us and we’ll slowly die in unspeakable
agony, you idiot!"
Your other subselves may add their own mosaic of boundaries about
relating to spiders (or what-ever), depending on many things. Your behavior and
emotions are the outcome of all your subselves’ needs, boundaries, and
negotiations together. ("OK, OK, we'll collect, study, and discuss spiders,
but we’ll never touch them with bare skin.")
Family topics that trigger
surface boundary (tolerance) conflicts are legion: money ("No, I won't
agree to buying a $145 parrot."); "manners;" hygiene and health; food and
eating; co-parenting; spiritual-ity and worship; holidays and vacations;
sensuality and sex; time balances (work, play, or rest); privacy and solitude;
socializing; TV and leisure choices; home decorating; transportation;
promptness; dress and appearance;, etc., etc.
Think about five or
more things
you feel intensely about. Do the same about your partner. Now reflect: have you
experienced boundary (yes/no) conflicts with each other over any of those vital
areas?
Continue by learning about boundary
violations, the real
problems, and some resolution options. Do you need a break first?
