The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/basics/boundaries.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your brow-ser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
Boundary violations, continued....
Violations between People
Examples…
Miriam told her husband that she doesn't approve of pornographic
magazines or videos, and wants none in their home. During a spring-cleaning
session she discovers a box of such materials with recent publication dates
hidden in their garage.
Robert let his wife know several times that he's "uneasy" about her
lunching alone with her former lover Armando. Robert doesn't say "Don't do it,"
but implies that's what he needs. He hasn’t said what he'll do if she chooses to
continue.
Anne enjoys friendship
with Armando, and has no interest in a sexual or romantic relationship with him.
She feels Robert is being "immature" and "over-controlling," and resents his
attitude (implied blame and distrust). A mutual friend tells Robert she saw
his wife and Armando lunching yesterday, and she had said nothing to Robert
about this...
Ned
has taught his younger brother how to ride his motorcycle, and asked him not to
use it without asking. Ned comes home from work one day to find the cycle gone
from the garage. His sister says "Tommie took it."
My client (p. 1)
stoically implies hurt, resentment, and frustration that his wife ignores his
request that she not read his email without asking. She blames him for
distrusting her, keeping secrets, and being “a bad husband;” and says those
faults justify her actions.
Other
common examples of boundary violations...
-
Interrupting someone after they ask you not to;
-
Willfully intruding on someone's privacy without permission;
-
Telling others personal information that someone asked you to keep
private;
-
Spending significant money without consulting your partner;
-
"Forgetting" your partner’s request that you call if
you’ll be working late;
-
Behaving seductively with a child and denying that, despite observer's
warnings; and…
-
Withholding or distorting information that would affect
someone's perception of you and your relationship.
Physical violations come from disrespecting another person's bodily
boundaries via unwanted or painful skin contact or penetrations. Others can come
from ignoring someone's tolerances for noise, smell, taste, and
temperature. Most aggressive (vs. assertive) behavior and all true
always cause significant emotional and spiritual boundary violations.
The surface
problem in conflicts like these is "I need you to do (or don't
do) 'x,' and you do it any-way - openly or covertly. Then you deny
doing that, justify it, or blame me for it." All violations
imply "I value my needs more than yours," and send a
The relationship impact of boun-dary violations ranges from trivial to major
over time.
Two Primary Problems
Premise - the roots of most (all?)
boundary conflicts and violations
and between you
and other people are that one or more of you are…
1) ruled by a false self and
you don’t know that or what to do about it; and you and/or they are…
2)
unaware of...
-
the
boundary concepts and terms above,
-
the
and values causing your
boundaries, and...
-
effective communication
basics and
and...
-
how to set and negotiate boundaries and consequences effectively....
Let’s see how these manifest
with Miriam and Craig. Neither is aware of what you've just read. Her
surface (conscious) boundary is: “I want (you, Craig to bring) no pornographic
materials in our home.” Her implied (unstated) boundary is “I will react
(somehow) if you need to use pornography.”
A related (unspoken) boundary is “I
need to trust that you’ll tell me the truth, and I’ll react if you don’t.”
Wanting to trust Craig, Miriam hasn’t needed to define or state what she’ll do
if he violates her boundary.
Craig pledges that he
understands, and declares earnestly that he doesn’t need pornography. One
personality subself really believes this, and wants to honor Miriam's request. Other subselves remember past arousal
pleasures and want to re-experience them despite his wife's request
(boundary).
Periodically,
these subselves generate thoughts
and urges in Craig to fill two sets of needs: (a) get pornographic pleasures, and
(b) hide this from Miriam and others to avoid major conflict, guilt, and family
disruption. His Magician subself
causes persuasive rationalizations why this
is really OK, despite other subselves’ counsel that it isn't.
Two of Craig’s semi-conscious
inner boundaries are: “I will never betray or lie to Miriam,” and “I will not be
a man who needs pornography.” He doesn’t know about false-self wounds or the
Project-2 skills of
and
So he doesn’t
admit
that his periodic guilty fantasies about viewing porno-graphic images are signs
that he has significant unfilled marital needs. Implication:
pornography is not the problem; unawareness and his relentless
unfilled needs are.
Craig silently battles with an
internal conflict: some subselves want to honor his and Miriam’s boundaries.
Others persuasively argue that violating the boundaries “isn’t that bad,”
promising harmless pleasure (to fill undefined needs). At some moment in time,
he buys pornographic magazines, experien-ces various excitements, and guiltily
hides the magazines in the garage as he did as a youth.
Like an addict in
his false
self now begins an elaborate inner and outer campaign to make this deception
acceptable. The subselves that want sexual excitement and mental/emotional
distraction from
(the real problem) overcome other subselves
(including his true Self) that want to be hon-est and “porn-free.”
From this perspective, Craig
didn’t lie to Miriam. The subselves that spoke the words “I understand, and I’ll
never bring porn into our home” were telling their truth. Unawareness,
caused the subselves that didn’t pledge that to remain
silent. Because of unseen false-self
control, Mir-iam was married to two Craigs in one body without his being crazy
in the least. Neither mate knew this.
Time passes, and Miriam
discovers that her husband has broken two promises: to tell her the truth, and
to stop using pornography. Her respect for and
trust in him drop sharply, she
feels hurt and angry, and her anxiety blooms ("What else is he hiding
from me?").
She confronts him, and – because
they don’t know inner-family, boundary, and communication concepts and skills -
they fight (vs. problem-solve). This can have many outcomes, but
none will illumi-nate the
real problems without mutual awareness, and Craig choosing a Self-motivated
program of personal healing.
When she
discovers later that Craig is having an
Miriam faces her own inner boundaries...
-
“I will not live with a
man I don’t respect and can’t trust;”
-
“I will never divorce;” and...
-
I must
honor and act on my own
to keep my self respect.”
Other
boundaries involve (a) who she may confide in about this situation (e.g. her
sister but not her parents), and (b) her
responsibilities to their kids and to God. The degree of harmony
among her sub-selves will determine how she resolves her web
of inner boundary conflicts and whether her vigilant
subselves violate any of them.
An unseen prior problem
promoted
this situation. Because of their respective unawarenesses,
and
inner wounds, Miriam and/or Craig made several uninformed, unwise
courtship
They didn’t know about the inherited
effects of the [wounds + unawareness]
so they didn't protect themselves and future kids by
working at
courtship
She committed to an appealing man with major hidden
psychological wounds and unawareness . He committed to her without
awareness of his wounds and what they
Both committed without knowing communication basics and skills.
If your
family adults and kids
have
significant boundary conflicts and/or violations,
the good news is: once you
acknowledge them, you can learn to avoid and reduce them together over time.
The bad news is: until you all
admit and reduce significant protective false-self
(do
your ruling subselves will cleverly distract, resist,
and deflect you from preventing violations and conflicts together – and will earnestly deny doing so.
Pause and breathe well. Close your eyes, and notice your thoughts and
feelings. Recall why you’re reading this article. What do you really
need here, and who’s
your inner family
of subselves now?
Resolution Options
If your
family members have
significant boundary violations and conflicts, you may:
Deny or
minimize them ("Nah, they're not a big deal") and take no action;
Agree that
you do have a
boundary problem, and avoid acknowledging that one or more of you will have to change
something important to resolve it.
doing anything about it, or make
changes. Your boundary problems will
return,
and may escalate. Or you may...
Blame each other, avoid acknowledging
of the problems, and endure rounds of
lose-lose fighting, arguing,
explaining (justifying), or withdrawal. Do the same with your other
relationship problems, and become increasingly weary, distrustful, cynical, and
dis-pirited. Or...
Focus on “more important
problems,” and deny or minimize the effects of your avoidance.
Or you can…
Reframe
your problem
from “boundary conflicts or violations” to “false-self dominance” and “
.” Then choose the attitude that “We can
reduce both of these
as team-mates if we each accept personal responsibility for
doing so.” If you can do this, then your options include…
honestly for false-self
wounds, and help each other harmonize your subselves
under the wise leadership of your true Selves. In other words,
work at Project 1
together.
The guidebook
Who’s
Really Running Your Life? (Xlibris.com, 2002, 2nd ed.) or
these articles offer an effective framework and resources for doing
this. Doing so empowers your family adults to…
Sharpen your
focusing, and
effectiveness by
working at
together. Doing so over time will help you...
-
the primary
unmet needs causing your “boundary
problems;”
-
prioritize your needs, and focus on filling a few at a time;
-
your needs and related consequences respectfully; and...
-
brainstorm as
teammates to help each other fill your primary needs, while
keeping your balances
For boundary
violations you
identify, pay special attention to the skills of
and
Also study your options
for reducing disrespects and resolving Self and mutual
distrusts.
For
handling boundary violations by minor kids, see this series on
effective discipline.
If Miriam and Craig were
committed to the two options above and her Self guided her personality, she
might firmly say something like:
“Craig, when you pledge you won’t use
pornography or lie to me, and then do both of those anyway, I feel betrayed,
disrespected, disappointed, hurt, and resentful.”
This
uses awareness, clear thinking, and assertion skills, and (hopefully) is
delivered with
respect. That is the first step in potential
win-win problem-solving.
If Miriam’s false self were in
charge, those earnest subselves might cause her to say sarcastically or angrily...
“It’s obvious I can’t trust you with
anything (generalizing) because you’re weak and dishon-est (labeling and
blaming), and you don’t care about my needs (accusing and punishing).
"You
obviously have some kind of sick sex addiction (exaggerating, blaming, and
avoiding her half of the problem), so don’t expect to sleep in my bed until
you get fixed, Craig (puni-shing and guilt-tripping).”
Predictably,
communication behavior like this will probably evoke fight or flight
among Craig’s governing subselves unless (a) his Self (capital "S") was in charge, and (b) he
knew the seven communi-cation skills. If so, he would assess
nonjudgmentally if her
was “above her ears.”
If it
was, he would realize
she couldn’t hear him until her E-level dropped “below her ears,” and would
calmly choose the skill of empathic listening: “So you feel betrayed and
really hurt that I was dishonest, and you want me to acknowledge that.”
If that helped her regain her
hearing, Craig might then say evenly “Miriam, I am really sorry that I
betrayed you. I feel ashamed, and I have no excuse. And (not 'but'!) I
experience your false self is ma-king your voice
sarcastic, and I feel blamed, punished, hurt, and defensive. I don’t want to
fight or run away. I need you to get your Self back in charge, and join me in
some win-win problem solving, not at-tack or punish me. Can you do that
now?”
| Does this kind of
communication seem alien? [ Inner voices: “No one talks like that! I (or my
partner) sure wouldn’t.” ] I guarantee that thinking and talking like this becomes
normal if you (a) prac-tice the seven Project-2
and the
mutual-respect attitudes underlying them, and
(b) your Selves
are leading your inner crews! |
A third option you have to
reduce your “boundary problems" is to seek qualified professional help with Projects 1 and 2. above. “Qualified” means trained and experienced at
doing effective (a) personal trauma recovery and (b) communication skill-building work. If
you’re a stepfamily, any professional helper you hire
(c) should have most of this special knowledge.
The paragraphs above are
deceptively brief. Committing to their ideas will lead your family members to months of
challenging, dedicated effort, and confront you with making some major changes in
your lives. Are your governing subselves really motivated to take the first steps outlined in
and
at this time? Your actions will demonstrate your readiness more
than your words.
Note that these
options apply to reducing "boundary problems" with any individual
kids or adults.
Status Check
Clarify what's real in your family now: T = true, F = false, and “?” = “I’m not sure,” or
“It depends on (what?)”
Our family adults (a)
can clearly define what personal, marital, and family
are now and (b) why they're important, and
(c) our definitions agree
well enough. (T F ?)
We all are clear enough on what boundary
conflicts and violations are (a)
a person, and
(b) between people. (T F ?)
We
can clearly describe why
boundary conflicts and violations can be significant rela-tionship stressors.
(T F ?)
Our family adults have
all evolved an effective strategy for resolving significant boundary conflicts
and violations (a) inside us and (b) between us
now. (T F ?)
We all usually feel
comfortable enough discussing significant boundary problems among any of us. (T F ?)
I
know why I’m reading this article (T
F ?)
Someone in our family has a serious
boundary problem now. (T F ?)
Each of our family adults can (a) clearly describe effective
now, and feel com-fortable enough (b) asserting and (c) enforcing
boundaries with other adults and kids.
(T F ?)
We are intentionally teaching the
young people in our family how to (a) set effective bound-aries, and (b)
avoid and (c) resolve boundary conflicts and violations. (T F ?)
My
is
my
now.
(T F ?)
What did you just learn?
Options
-
meditate or
on what you experienced in
reading this article;
-
invite your
family adults to read
this and then discuss it together as
partners, vs. opponents; and...
-
invite any
family consultants or supporters to read
this, and weave these ideas and options into your relationships.
-
(add your own...)
Recap
Personal boundaries divide
what people will and won't tolerate without a reaction. The reactions
range from minor (e.g. frowning or sighing) to major (e.g. divorce or murder). A challenge in growing any relationship is identifying and resolving boundary conflicts
and violations. Typical adults and kids each have many ("yes" / "no") boundaries which
define and separate them as individuals, and regulate their personal securities,
comforts, and balances.
When boundaries
clash (a)
your subselves and/or
(b) between
you and another person, you experience boundary conflicts. Boundary
violations
occur when some
subself or person feels their sta-ted boundary was ignored or betrayed - i.e.
they feel disrespected.
Resolving boundary violations usually requires
rebuilding your trusts,
honesty, and respects, and healing any major
guilts and resentments.
This article suggests that
most boundary "problems" are symptoms of unidentified
primary needs. These unmet needs usually result from denied personality
and unawareness of
relationship ba-sics and effective
communication
Your
family adults can
help each reduce the wounds and unawareness that cause boundary con-flicts and
violations by working
patiently at
(harmonize your subselves) and
(learn effective communication skills).
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you
needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss
these ideas with? Who's
answering these questions - your wise resident
or
<<
Previous page / Add to favorites
/ Print page
/
Email this article's address
>>
