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building
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Aging and our dynamic environment guarantees your
family will experience minor and major changes over time.
Some shifts will be foreseen, like childbirth, school
graduations, geographic moves, and retirements. Others will
occur without warning, like major illnesses, accidents, and
natural disasters, The degree of stress that changes cause your
adults and kids depends on several key factors.
This article offers suggestions on minimizing
change-related stresses in any kind of family. It offers...
-
Perspective on personal
and family changes,
-
Options for effective
change-management, and...
-
Special consideration s
for typical divorcing families and stepfamilies
Because many changes involve
(broken bonds),
please read this introduction
to healthy three-level grieving now, and return here.
Perspective on Change
Change happens
ceaselessly
among (a) your
and (b)
your family members. These are
separate processes to stay aware of, with separate paces. Being
"overwhelmed" by too many changes at once means your
personality subselves are chaotic.
Personal
and family changes range from minor to "significant."
A significant change causes notable difficulty
in a person's or a family's normal functioning for
some period of time.
Unless they're in pain or danger, people often postpone voluntary change
because of uncertainty about the
safety and comfort of the post-change world. This resistance is greater in
people who experi-enced significant pain from prior changes, like kids going
through a sudden biofamily separation. Even planned change breeds
temporary anxiety and uncertainty ("stress"). Sudden or gradual unplanned
change can breed more stress for a longer time.
Environmental changes
effect
people differently because of age, gender, values,
personality, and prior experience. Some of your family members can adapt to
change faster than others. This implies that successful change-management
requires you to identify the slowest adapter among all your adults and kids, and
adjust your pace to suit them
without resentment or blame. Do you know who among you is the slowest to
adapt to changes?
Some family changes
require grieving, and others don't. The former involve losing physical or invis-ible
things to which you've
or attached. Can you
think of things you've changed that didn't "bother you" much? Too many
at once can overwhelm even
the most resilient, grounded child or adult.
The key indicators of reaction to inner and outer change are your emotions and
related bodily feel-ings and functions (e.g. sleep, digestion, and
elimination). As you monitor yourself and other family mem-bers for their
change-comfort, discern between "calmness" due to emotional
denial, repression
and/or numbing (protective
strategies), and true psychological-mental-spiritual acceptance and serenity.
Some changes occur suddenly, and others slowly. Some are foreseen, and others come
without warning. Your family members have a better chance of adjusting
to significant changes if they know (a) what's going to change in advance
and (b) how those changes will affect them and those they care about. This
suggests the long-term value of your
adults evolving a conscious "change policy" with all your kids and
relatives.
Some
changes
occur in clusters, and others happen alone. To
help you discuss and plan signifi-cant family changes, categorize them as minor, moderate, and major.
Invisible changes (like becoming a new parent) can cause just as much
transitional stress as physical ones (like moving into a new house), and are harder
to identify.
The
effects
of significant changes on
individuals and your family vary between predictable and totally unexpected.
Five Key
Factors
Do you know why some changes cause some family members little stress, and others
are very upsetting and take a long time to accept and
stabilize? Five factors help to explain this:
-
different personalities,
life histories, and attitudes;
-
the type and scope of the
changes;
-
the number and importance of
any personal losses (broken bonds) that come from
significant changes;
-
family members' awareness
of themselves, each other, and these factors, and...
-
their effectiveness at
communicating about them.
Can you think of any other
variables that affect the impacts of changes on your family?
Awareness of these five factors can help you plan for
and adapt well to significant changes in your lives. Adults'
awareness and knowledge can help children understand
and adapt to significant changes in their lives.
Let's look briefly at each factor...
Personalities, Life Histories, and Attitudes
Would you agree that some adults and kids in your family are more
self-confident than others? Over time, life experiences teach
us (a) we can adapt
successfully to most significant changes or we can't.
Typical kids raise in
families learn that life is often unpredictably painful, and
that their caregivers can't be trusted to protect them
from major discomfort and
Such kids evolve
and
personalities They often have excessive needs to
people and events to minimize fear of the unknown
(unpredictable pain). This is specially likely if the
person has unconsciously developed protective
and
subselves. The best
case is family adults whose
are consistently
by their wise
Is
that true for your adults now?
If people have experienced previous personal and
family changes as "safe enough," and they feel confident in
their and their family-members' abilities to adapt and
re-stabilize "quickly enough," then significant new
changes are apt to cause minimal stress.
Does this describe
you and your family?
Personalities and prior experiences foster attitudes
about life-changes. Opinions can range from "Change is normal,
inevitable, manageable, and often beneficial;" to "Change is
very painful, traumatic, really hard to accept
and adapt to, and should be avoided at all costs."
If this range is
represented by a scale from one to ten, where would you rank
your "change attitude" now? Your family's attitude?
The Type and
Scope of Changes
Some personal and family changes are chosen, some are
gradual (like aging), and others are
sudden and unforeseen. Voluntary
and expected
changes allow pre-planning, and are often less stressful and
easier to stabilize than unplanned changes. Examples:
|
abortions
childbirths
marriages
geographic moves
bankruptcy
changing homes
adult desertion |
leaving home
cohabiting
joblessness
new traditions
natural disasters
legal suits and
trials
affairs |
graduation
adoptions
major illness
divorce
local riots
abductions
coming out |
retirements
deaths
disability
sudden wealth
major accidents
murder / suicide
|
Some life changes are more complex and impactful
than others. For example, redecorating your living room or
trading in a vehicle is probably less disruptive to family
members over time than having a baby or separating and
divorcing. Another key variable is how many changes occur
for family members in a given time period. Counselors generally recommend spacing important voluntary
personal and family changes to avoid
overwhelm. Does your family do that?
The Number
and Importance of Losses
In our context, a "loss" is a broken psychological bond
(attachment) to something or someone of major value to
someone. Relationship and
changes may or
may not cause significant losses to one or more family
members. Further, some losses can be painful and beneficial
- e.g. the loss of an unhealthy habit or toxic relationship.
Losses can be
invisible (like loss of trust, security, freedom,
and happiness) and
physical (like losing a favorite dwelling, vehicle,
pet, or memento). Also, bonds and losses range from minor to
major in personal and family importance. The more important
losses that a given change causes, the greater and
longer-lasting the personal and family stress (grief).
A fourth factor that regulates the amount of change-related
stress is...
Family
Members' Awareness
Awareness means being conscious of (a) local
conditions
you and
you, and (b) what those conditions mean to your
family members and supporters. The adults and kids in your
home and fa-mily range between minimally-aware to
consistently very aware. How would you rank your and
the other adults' awareness, in general and during times of
significant change?
Awareness of these change-variables in a
given situation allows your family adults to plan
intentional changes more effectively, and to adapt and
stabilize from significant changes faster, with less
stress. Your adults
can intentionally improve their awareness at any time.
Until you do, any minor kids in your homes will probably
grow up unaware. Note that
is the keystone of the
seven effective-com-munication
How aware of your
awareness are you?
A final change-variable your adults can improve is...
Communication Effectiveness
Can your family adults clearly agree on a definition
of
If so, do you each know how to achieve it
consistently? Are you teaching any young people in your
lives to think and com-municate effectively?
Planning and adapting to major family changes like a
geographic move, marriage, birth, divorce, or death requires your family
adults to be able to
and
their needs clearly,
empathically to each other, and help each other
effectively. Family
offers a practical way to upgrade
your thinking and communication skills and teach them to
your kids.
We just hilighted five interactive factors that determine
how stressful planned or unexpected changes are to
your family members. Each factor offers your adults an
opportunity to prevent and reduce change-related stresses
Effective
Change-Management
"Family-change management” means
you
adults (ideally) agreeing on how to plan major changes effectively, and resolve significant problems
(fill members‘ primary needs) before, during, and after the change takes
effect. For unplanned changes, effective management means identifying
and ranking the primary needs of all affected family
members, and keeping the family safe and functioning until
you all re-stabilize.
Think of several significant family changes you all
have experienced. How effective were your
adults at managing them? Would you rank your members' stress
as low, moderate, or high? Did you all adapt and
re-stabilize slowly or quickly?
Planning
Significant Changes
Each family (like yours) will evolve it's own definition
of "significant." Whatever your definition, you'll need to
negotiate "Who among us is responsible for deciding if, how
and when to plan and make this change? Other questions to
explore:
-
What do we want this change
to accomplish for each and all all of us?
-
What financial and other
resources will we need to make this change successful?
-
Who will be responsible for
what tasks in making this change?
-
How will this affect each of
us (a) as we change, and (b) after we're done?
-
What significant problems
are we each likely to encounter?
-
How will we best handle each
of these problems?
-
How can we best
support each other as
we make and adjust to this change?
-
How long should the change
take?
-
Who do we need to inform of
this change and why we're making it?
An inevitable challenge here is that each family member will
have different values and needs. This is likely to cause
values and loyalty
conflicts and relationship triangles, so your family
adults will need a viable strategy to
prevent, recognize, and
manage each of these stressors as they come up in and
be-tween your family's homes. Do you all have such a
strategy yet?
A key factor affecting your change process is
how well and how
often your affected family members communicate and
together throughout the process. If you're not in the
habit of having regu-lar family
meetings, this might be a good time to start them to
ensure everyone knows what's going on and why..
Another factor is how healthy and effective your family's
is. Can each of your adults describe your policy now? Are
your kids learning to talk about their losses and mourn
well?
Managing
Unexpected Changes
Do you know anyone who is calm and focused "under pressure"
without "numbing out"? If so, s/he is probably guided by
her/his true Self in most situations. Your family adults
will need to be similarly gui-ded to manage unexpected
personal and family changes effectively. Options:
-
Your odds for
re-stabilizing quickly rise if your family reacts to
sudden changes as a team, rather than individuals.
This is most likely if all adults are guided by their
respective true Selves. Does that describe your family
now? If you're not sure, use this as an initial
assessment tool, and
then use and discuss these Project 1
articles and worksheets.
-
Help each other to...
-
see the benefits of
unexpected changes, as well as any new needs and
important losses;
-
stay clear on your
family's
and to use the wisdom of the
-
clarify your short and long-term priorities as you decide how
best to use your resources;
-
stay aware that your
family members' needs, priorities, values, and
adaptability are unique;
-
stay aware of the vital
difference between surface needs and underlying
-
and describe what you each need as you adapt to
changes in progress and
post-change conditions,
-
forge and use a healthy
family mourning policy;
-
maintain a
attitude as you nurture yourselves and each other a
day at a time; and...
-
Use your knowledge of
communication basics and
to problem-solve
together, as you recover from significant change/s.
Recap
Change within and around you and your family is ceaseless,
and ranges from minor to significant. In hectic,
overstimulated modern times, it's easy to make major changes
impulsively, and regret doing so later. This is specially
likely for people rule by impatient, needy false selves.
Personalities and families are dynamic systems - so a
change in one subself or family member affects all other
parts of the system. Often, complex, major changes to either
system cause significant stress. This article proposes that
you can minimize this stress and re-stabilize from major
changes intentionally, by being aware of the process, and
knowing some key options.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article?
Did you get what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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