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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building
family relationships and
preventing
divorce. This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use
its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of
ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
Have you or your mate
been depressed recently? Depression is so common in American
kids and adults that treating it has become a multi-million (billion?) dollar
industry. It often occurs in
of
childhoods.
This article
is one of a series on improving primary
relationships. It will alert
you to the difference between "depression" and incomplete grief, which
seems to
be common in typical
families
and
Incomplete
grief requires different treatment than clinical depression. Can you describe the
difference? This article...
Describes
common symptoms of local and chronic depression,
Suggests that the real problem may be
psychological wounds and
incomplete grief,
Outlines
options if you're "depressed,"
and...
Provides options if your
partner seems
seriously depressed.
Get the most from this article
by first reading...
What Is
"Depression"?
It's a catch-all term for a mind-body condition
ranging in intensity and impact from brief and minor ("a blue mood") to long-term
and major. The condition inhibits personal happiness and
productivity. Uncorrected, these can corrode family relationships and
functioning, and may
promote other physical and psychological problems.
Symptoms of depression typically include
some or all of these...
Low physical energy; "fatigue."
Apathy: marked disinterest in
pleasurable life activities.
Notably sad, glum mood.
Unusual feelings of guilt, despair
(hopelessness and pessimism),
and/or worthlessness.
Difficulty concentrating: mind-racing
and
marked indecisiveness.
Trouble sleeping, or sleeping
excessively.
Possible loss of appetite and related weight loss.
Recurring thoughts of death or
Crying urges or episodes with or without a
"cause."
Excessive or unusual irritability.
If five or more of these symptoms are clearly
present every day for at least two weeks, the condition is psychiatrically
labeled
clinical depression.
Every one of these symptoms can also
occur during normal three-level
Many
people believe that depression results from a "neuro-chemical unbalance, because
"anti-depression" (mood control) medications often reduce these symptoms. Mental-health workers are
divided on
whether the imbalance is biological or is caused by psychological disturbance
- or both.
Some propose that taking a mood-control medication reduces the symptoms to tolerable, and leaves the causes unhealed.
After 27 years'
clinical experience, I
believe the latter is often true.
Depressions can be single episodes or a chronic
(recurring) condition. Chronically depressed people experience these
symptom-clusters as normal life, so they may have little motivation to change
toward something they've never felt.
Depression is a problem for the sufferer, and
it can cause anxiety (worry), guilt, and frustration in people who depend on or
care about the sufferer. Three possible problems are...
All can
your
marriage and other relationships, specially if you have other concurrent
problems.
If
you don't feel significantly depressed but you feel your mate is, go
here.
If You Feel Depressed, You Can...
Deny
or
ignore it and/or its impact on
your lives, and wait for it to go away. If it doesn’t, you may...
Endure
it, because getting undepressed
would significantly upset someone else, or expose a
("Let's
face it: Molly's a sex addict, and we're all
her. We
all have
a problem!"); or...
Seek medical evaluation
and chemical relief by using anti-depression drugs. This may
pro-mote chemical and psychological
Feel
optimistic ("I know this will get better, with time");
uncertain
or
pessimistic ("There's no
cure. I'll just have to live like this forever. It runs in our family...")
Label
yourself ("I'm mentally ill,
not well, messed up, or sick"); feel
("I'm such a burden to
_____") and/or feel ashamed ("I'm a bad person."). Get
depressed about being depressed, specially if it's recurring.
Blame
somebody or something (your mate,
kids, parents, childhood, job, God, gangs, the Democrats, demons, the Methodists...),
and give away your power and responsibility to feel better.
Choose
the (helpless)
family role,
because it gets you wonderful comforting and attention that you haven't gotten
otherwise. And/or you can...
Become determined to always look on the
bright side. Rigidly avoid (a) thinking and talking about "sad" or "negative"
things, or (b) associating with people who are "down," "gloomy," or
"worrywarts."
(Add your own options...)
Or...
If your depressive symptoms don't abate in an
acceptable time, that may indicate a
Option: use
to
for that and
Which of these strategies
appeals to you? I believe the last one is probably the healthiest response to
significant or chronic "depression" symptoms. The one exception is
if you or your mate are genuinely
- then qualified psychiatric help
is your best choice.
What might be causing your
other subselves to
your
Possible
Primary Problems...
“Depression” and the sadness phase of
feel and look
the same, emotionally and
behaviorally. I suspect that
many “depressed” adults and kids are really
mourning major
If so,
the cure is not
pills, but identifying and removing any
so grief can run its
natural course. Have you ever considered this?
Most Americans like you and your family members don’t know much about
healthy mourning. To reality-check this, try this informal
quiz and return.
"Good Grief" Basics
Grieving is the natural response we humans
and some other animals have to broken psychological attachments or
("losses"). Except for
who can’t
form bonds, all kids and adults like you and your mate must mourn various losses as you age
and change. Do you agree?
Mourning is a natural [mental + emotional +
spiritual] process which allows us to...
Each grieving level has several
phases. They progress
naturally unless they’re blocked by psycho-logical and/or social conditions.
Blocking
can occur when a griever perceives “It is not safe for me to
feel and/or
express my grieving emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.”
To grieve well, you need inner
(personal) and outer
(social)
to move through all three levels
at your own pace.
of
childhoods often lack inner permission, and live
among people who unconsciously withhold outer (social) permissions.
For
example, many of us are raised to believe that crying is "weak," and to resist crying in public (or at all)
-
specially males. Crying is a natural response that purges stress-producing
chemicals from the body, like urinating or vomiting. Withholding permission to cry and express related emotions and
thoughts blocks grief, and causes physiological stress.
The same is
true for repressing grief-related (or any)
# Status check: to
shift this from these abstract concepts to your real life, meditate on
these statements. T = true, F = false, and ? = "I'm not sure," or "it
depends on (what?)":
I
understand that grieving is needed for
all kinds of life losses (broken bonds), not just the death of a loved one. (T F ?)
I
can name the phases of each of the
three levels of
(T F ?)
I
believe grief (a) is a normal human
response (b) which can be slowed or blocked.
(T F ?)
I
grew up in a “pro-grief” family – i.e.
one who’s adults consistently encouraged and modeled (a) feeling
and (b) expressing healthy grieving values, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.
(T F ?)
I’m comfortable now (a) feeling and (b)
expressing _sadness and _ anger privately and pub-licly; and (c) I’m
comfortable enough being around others who feel and express shock, sad-ness, and anger. (T F ?)
I
can clearly describe (a) my personal and
(b) our family’s
i.e. our sets of shoulds,
oughts, musts, and values
about feeling and expressing grief. (T F ?)
I
now live in a pro-grief home and family - i.e. one which consistently
encourages everyone to mourn well. Note the difference between intentionally encouraging grief
among your family members, and passively tolerating their mourning. (T F ?)
I
am now able to (a)
identify and (b) grieve my losses well
and thoroughly; or if not, (c) I know why, and (d) I'm taking effective steps to
improve this. (T
F ?)
I
can
(a) clearly discern the
difference between “depression” and incomplete grief now, and (b) I can name at
least six
of blocked
grief. (T F ?)
My partner and/or ex mate would answer each of these
items “true” now. (T F ?)
Now I feel some mix of calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, alive, serene,
purposeful, confident, and clear, so
my true Self is probably
my
(personality). (T F ?)
Have you ever assessed ideas
like these? Notice what your
(thoughts, emotions, and images) is now…
My clinical experience with hundreds of divorcing,
single, and re/married clients who feel "depressed" is that they're really
experiencing active or frozen grief. This can relate to...
-
past losses
(broken bonds), including some in
childhood and perhaps courtship;
-
recent invisible or
tangible losses; and/or relate to...
-
an unavoidable
future loss like youthful vigor, kids moving away, retirement, or death
(anticipatory grief).
If you, your mate,
and/or an ex spouse
weren't encouraged to mourn fully as a child, your
depressive symptoms may signal being stuck in the sadness phase of emotional
grief. "Rageaholics" are often stuck in the
phase. How does the
former work, and what can you do about it?
The
Project 5 articles answer these questions in some detail.
A key concept is how unseen false-self
dominance combines with
ignorance of healthy-grieving basics to
hinder grieving.
Personality Subselves and
Grieving
About 80% or more of
my hundreds of adult therapy clients appeared to be psychologically
- i.e. controlled by a
Most
didn't (want to) know this, so they suffered recurring problems like unhappy
or confusing
relationships,
"disturbed" kids,
financial woes, some physical problems, and "depression." Such
problems usually continue and compound, until the adults hit
and commit to progress on some
version of
wound-
To evaluate what follows, I encourage
you to first study these slides or this
article. They propose that
normal personalities are
composed of an interactive
or
parts, that each have their
own purpose, values, needs, way of communicating, and view of the world. They
create all the "voices" (thoughts) and images in your mind, and seem to cause a
wide range of emotional and physical reactions.
If you're skeptical or curious
about this idea, read this memo to you, and then try this interesting, safe
exercise. This idea is new enough so that most grief professionals aren't
aware of it. Most do believe in psychosomatic illness. Do you?
Psycho means “mind,” and soma means “body.” Do you feel that
repressed anger, fear, shame, guilt, or sadness (“stress”) can hinder
sleeping, digesting, and eliminating; and cause discomforts like headaches,
tics, “tight shoulders,” and stomachaches? How about hormonal imbalances and
allergies?
Lacking factual information, most people must
guess if, when, and how their minds (thoughts and emotions) can cause bodily discomfort or illness.
From over a decade of studying and practicing
I believe many bodily ailments and discomforts are promoted or caused by
psychological repression and related thoughts. I’m now sure that our
thoughts and emotions are governed by the well-meaning subselves that comprise our personalities.
As with your physical family,
your inner
family of subselves can range from harmonious, contented, and calm to conflicted, insecure,
and discordant, as your inner and outer environments change.
Growing up in a
family promotes inner-family chaos and the formation of a false
self (a conflicted personality).
Most such families are (unintentionally)
anti-grief homes: that is, the (wounded) adults
discourage feeling and expressing normal grieving emotions, thoughts, and
behaviors. Restated: the false selves governing the adults
often withhold
to
mourn well. Impressionable children learn taught anti-grief rules (beliefs) like these:
"Real (virile) men (or males) don't cry."
or "Crying is for wimps, babies, and sissies."
"(Feeling and/or showing) anger, or too much
sadness, is wrong and bad."
"Keep a stiff upper lip (or we'll withhold
our approval, respect, and love.)"
"Don't burden others with your sorrow."
"Get over your loss, and move on. No
big deal!"
"It's
not OK to vent repeatedly about your
losses and pain."
"Put on a happy face (or someone will
dislike, reject, or punish
you)."
"Don't be gloomy or 'negative' (or
someone will dislike, reject, or punish you)."
"Always think of the other guy (otherwise
you're being selfish and bad)!"
"You only grieve when someone dies, and then
it should take a few weeks at most."
"We don't talk about or evaluate our family's
grieving habits, values, or rules - and we deny, minimize, and/or joke about this."
"If you must grieve, do it
privately, and don't disturb anyone else."
"Always look at the bright side! (or we'll
disapprove of or reject you)."
"Strong emotions are upsetting and bad.
If you must feel them, don't show (express) them."
"When the going gets tough, the tough get
going. We (parents) love tough people best."
"We (you) don't discuss family business
(like losses and their impacts) with outsiders."
"It is not
necessary or OK to get professional help in
healing your losses."
"If it hurts, use sugar,
fat, nicotine, and/or
alcohol (or work real hard) to feel better - and ignore, joke about, or deny
that you're doing this."
Unless badly traumatized in
early childhood, you and your early caregivers
formed many
attach-ments (bonds) which eventually broke (caused losses) during your lives. You may have
learned as a small child that adults and kids who follow rules like those above get
the respect,
love, and acceptance which you craved. Kids that don't follow the
family's (grieving)
rules ("policy") experience subtle or obvious disapproval, scorn, and rejection. Those
hurt!
Like your parents did, you developed a normal
group of personality subselves or parts who cause your primary emotions.
Among others, you grew a
a
a
a
and an
Other subselves can feel these emotions too, including
your Self (capital "S").
Because your
and
subselves ceaselessly
guards your young
from
s/he relentlessly gives you
stern warnings and acid judgments if you start to feel or show grief sadness,
confusion, and anger in a way that violates "the rules" (above.)
You may also have developed a
protective
subself that adds vivid images and thoughts
about disasters that will surely occur if you don't follow the Critic's
rules ("You'll be spurned, abandoned, and die a miserable death all alone
in the gutter!")
You may also have a protective
subself, whose
steady job is to focus you solely on worrying about meeting
other's needs and standards, in order to avoid agonizing criticism, rejection, and
abandonment. This subself is specially active in
adults and kids who were
unintentionally taught
to assume they were worthless and unlovable.
Another common
subself can be called
the
Its specialty is turning painful or scary current realities into
something else
So when you suffer significant
(broken bonds), this subself gives you thoughts like "Losses?
What losses?"; or "Yeah, well we've lost some things, so no big
deal!", or "Take care of the kids' wounds now, and worry about me later" (self neglect).
Probably no one in your family or social
circle talked about
"your inner family of personality sub-selves" so you became an adult without clear
awareness of...
-
your Inner Critic and Perfectionist
subselves and the rules they insists you follow,
-
your well-meaning narrow-visioned Catastrophizer, People Pleaser, and
Magician subselves; and...
-
the group of Inner-child personality parts who are
guarded by all four.
If these normal subselves often
your
and
subselves and your
you unconsciously live your days and nights
from a
