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http://sfhelp.org/basics/dvl-needs.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's
purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part
of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This
summarizes one of
up to
five sets of needs that typical kids of parental death or divorce and
re/marriage must fill over time. Many of the needs are concurrent,
which may promote significant
"Acting out" is often an inarticulate cry for help with this heavy load,
for typical kids lack the understanding and vocabulary to say what they
need.
Many
co-parents and other caregivers can't name (a) the five sets (can you?), or
(b)
most of their kids' (over 60!) developmental and family-adjustment needs. This need-checklist is not exhaustive or prioritized.
Reality-check
this summary against your own experience - i.e. see
if you had to fill each of these developmental needs to live
well-enough as an independent adult, and whether you got enough competent
adult help with them. Then picture each minor child you care about one at a
time, and
reflect on how they're progressing in filling each of these vital needs so far...
1)
Learn
how to think critically, objectively,
and independently,
in order to make realistic sense out of the world and make effective daily
decisions. This includes many sub-needs, like mastering abstract
(non-concrete) thinking, synthesizing unrelated ideas, discerning
information patterns, and effective logical deduction; and average kids need to...
2)
Learn
how to be clearly
of, and balance
(prioritize) dynamic emotions, thoughts, hunches,
intuitions, and current
to react to life challenges in healthy, safe, and satisfying ways; and...
3)
Learn
to monitor and control their
of
empathic awareness" from focusing only on their current
needs and thoughts, to wanting to include selected others in their
bubble, at times.
A related need is learning how to discern and balance short-term and
long-term needs. The ultimate phase of this developmental need is to develop an empathic
awareness of the interdependence of all life forms on Earth; And kids need to...
4)
Forge
a realistic
to satisfy the
primal
questions "Who am I?", and "How am I like and
different from my parents, other people, and
other males and females?" Part of this developmental need is evolving a
stable, healthy way to calmly
themselves from
their caregivers' needs and
visions of who they
want the child to be. Filling this need includes each child
identifying and accepting his or her unique talents and personal limitations, without undue guilt,
shame, and anxiety;
And
typical minor kids need to...
5)
Forge genuine
self-respect,
self-trust, and
as foundations for filling their daily and long-term needs
effectively. And growing kids also need to...
6)
Learn
how to communicate
with other
people in calm and conflictual settings; and...
7)
Learn to understand, appreciate, and care effectively for their changing
body, to promote ongoing wholistic health and healing. This includes kids'
understanding, appreciating, and controlling their
sensuality and
sexuality. And they also need to...
8)
Learn
(a) how to form safe emotional attachments to
with) selected people, ideas, visions, and principles;
and how to
(b)
when such (psychological - mental -
bonds break; and...
9)
Learn
how
to make balanced decisions between...
-
short-term
pleasure vs. long-term satisfaction;
-
pleasing others vs.
themselves;
-
inner and environmental realities vs. tempting
illusions and
and to decide between
-
attitudes of
pessimism, idealism, and realistic optimism; and learn to balance...
-
work, play, and
rest. And children need to do this while they...
10)
Learn
and practice effective social and
relationship
skills (like tact, empathy, intimacy, selective
cooperation, obedience, and respectful confrontation) to "get along well"
with other people, including (possibly) a stepparent, stepsibs and kin, and an eventual mate.
Growing kids also need to...
11)
Learn
how to (a) take authentic responsibility for the outcomes of their
decisions and behaviors (popular alternatives: denial, projection,
repression, blaming, forgetting, explaining (justifying), "confusion,"...); and to
(b) respectfully grant other
able adults full responsibility for their decisions, behaviors, feelings,
health, and welfare; while kids...
12)
Learn...
-
how to learn, evaluate, retain, sort and prioritize, and use
(apply) new concrete and abstract information; and...
-
how and
where to get needed information, and learn...
-
how to unlearn old attitudes, beliefs, habits, and
values that no longer fit current life reality and goals;
13)
Evolve
meaningful answers to core life questions about
life and cosmic origins, destiny, fate, good and evil, and death;
and learn to revere, trust, and include the
of themselves
in life decisions; and...
14)
Learn how to
learn
from and adjust to personal mistakes
and failures, and keep their wholistic (mental + spiritual +
psychological + physical) balance; And growing kids must...
15)
Evolve
an authentic (vs. borrowed or rote) framework of
ethics and morals -
discerning what's "right and wrong," and "good and bad" in any situation,
and applying those judgments effectively toward filling daily and long-range
needs; while they...
16) Learn how to
(a) successfully earn, save, spend, and responsibly manage
money and debts,
and to (b) respect and care for what money buys, including power and freedoms;
and...
17) Learn to make responsible, healthy young-adult
decisions about
sex and child conception, and learn fundamental ideas
about child, human, and
family development and
high-nurturance (effective)
and...
18) Learn
how to understand, negotiate, and balance the responsibilities and limits
of key social
like child, grandchild; sibling; student;
friend; sexual partner; local, national, and global citizen; team and class
member; neighbor; employee; taxpayer; consumer;
spiritual being; debtor; and
eventually independent wo/man. And ideally, developing kids learn to...
19)
Acknowledge that they have a unique, worthy
or purpose; and stay alert for "evidence" (thoughts, feelings, hunches, outside
feedback) about what it is, while exploring as many "personalities" and
roles as possible. That can help them...
20)
Evolve
a meaningful plan about where they want their life to go in the next
several years and beyond. The alternative is living each day as a
random experience, with no plan or life purpose. And minor kids need
to...
21)
Learn how to promptly
and accept
needed human and spiritual
without excessive
and
when life becomes chaotic and overwhelming; and...
22)
Learn how to accurately discern who and what to
and how to adapt to
people, ideas, and circumstances they don't
trust enough. And before living on their own, kids need to...
23)
Learn basic life skills like cooking, sanitation,
hygiene, checkbook balancing, understanding contracts and laws, and
(usually) operating a vehicle; while they learn about the physical
world, to nurture vs. deplete it.
24)
And
over time, kids need to learn to live comfortably enough with
and insecurity, and to forge credible-enough answers to the
eternal questions about conception and life, aging, death, origins, God,
evil, "senseless change," trauma, joy, hope, love, miracles, and
epiphanies.
|
25) The master
childhood developmental need is to
evolve a harmonious
guided by their
wise, competent
The
alternative is a short-sighted, reactive personality dominated by a
well-meaning group of narrowly-skilled
called (here) a
Filling this keystone
need is unlikely if one or more caregivers are often
controlled by their own false selves.
Our horrendous recent US divorce epidemic suggests this
is common in most families.
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Recap