Help to break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle!
	What Typical  Family Adults  and Supporters Need to Know Guard your family against ignorance By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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         This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes this Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

Based on 29 years' professional research and clinical experience, this article hilights the mini-mum information that typical family adults and professionals need to know for personal wholistic health and satisfying, high-nurturance families and relationships. Our society does not provide typical young adults with adequate knowledge to achieve these, so far.

Background

        The unremarked US divorce epidemic and pervasive social problems suggests that most American adults and their supporters lack something fundamental. My clinical research since 1981 suggests five related lacks:

• psychological health - i.e. freedom from up to six preventable psychological wounds; and...

• awareness of their inner and outer environments, and a lack of basic knowledge; and they lack...

• complete grieving of inevitable life losses (broken bonds);

        For millions of average men and women of all ages and education levels, these three lacks combine to cause...

• ignorance of how and when to make (a) three wise courtship choices, and (b) wise child-conception and (c) co-parenting decisions; and...

• when troubled adults seek help with personal and family problems that come from these stressors, they lack qualified, accessible, local and media assistance.

        These five factors are specially stressful for members of typical divorcing families and stepfamilies. Typical stepfamilies are far more complex and challenging than most co-parents, professionals, and   authors know. That and these lacks often promotes well-meant and ineffective or harmful advice.

        All the materials in this nonprofit divorce-prevention Web site are based on the ideas in the foundation articles below. Whatever your reasons for visiting this site, investing time in studying and discussing these resources will raise the odds that you'll fill your primary needs more often.

        The articles below are grouped as...

• fundamentals that apply to all people, relationships, and families; and...

• stepfamily fundamentals.

The latter articles build on the former ones. These articles are richly linked to many others in this educational site.

        These basic concepts interact, so the more you read, the more they'll all "make sense." Most of these concepts are integrated in the guidebook Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com, 2001). Most of the content applies to all lay and professional readers. These five other guidebooks are also based on the foundation ideas below.

Options

• Take these quizzes honestly to gauge your present level of knowledge;

• Read this true example of a wounded stepfamily couple who didn't know what they needed to know;

• Use this foundations index as a checklist to guide and track your learning progress;

• Find a willing study partner to share the learning process with. If you're in a support or personal-growth group and/or a church community, alert the other members to this Web site.

• Pace yourself. Print, read, and discuss two or three articles and/or study one slide presentation a week;
   

• Read each article or slide presentation () through before following any links;

• Study and discuss these in the order shown - they build on each other;

• Use this index of all the worksheets, quizzes, and checklists in this divorce-prevention site to augment your learnings as you study;

• Invite key family members and supporters to use this concept-framework in their own way; and...

• Scan this free, downloadable 8-module self-study course. It covers many of the fundamentals here.

Fundamentals

        Several of these resources are PowerPoint slide presentations. If you have trouble viewing the slides see this for options or read the equivalent text article.

1)  Basic premises about your personality and your relationships (worksheet).

2)  Common traits of a high-nurturance family. Does your current family have them? Your
     childhood family?

3)  an introduction to the widespread [wounds + ignorance] cycle affecting most
     families and our society - slides or text

4)  Five epidemic marital and family hazards caused by this cycle, and three steps
     motivated adults can take to prevent them at home and elsewhere..

5)  Perspective on and illustrations of the subselves that form and govern normal personalities like yours - slides or text.

6)  Summaries: (a) typical minor kids' developmental needs, and (b) Erik
     Erickson's classic proposal of 8 stages of human development. See also # 36 below.

7)  An introduction to Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) and what they encounter

8)  How to assess for significant false self wounds, and an introduction to reducing them      - slides or text.

9)  (a) The vital difference between surface needs ("problems") and underlying primary      needs, and (b) how to "dig down" to discern your primary needs.

10)    fundamentals of effective communication, including seven essential skills, all
      adults should know - slides or text.

11)    fundamentals of effective problem-solving. This learned skill is the basis for
       resolving all social role and relationship problems - slides or text.

12)    fundamentals of healthy three-level grieving, including how to spot and
      facilitate incomplete or blocked grief - slides or text. See also this Q&A article.

13)  Why spirituality (vs. religion) is vital in evolving any kind of high-nurturance family

14)  Requisites for a high-nurturance relationship. Do you partners have enough of them?

15)  Premises and suggestions about solving relationship and marital "problems."

16)  Basic perspective on addictions and addiction recovery

17)  A sample Bill of Personal Rights - required for self confidence and effective assertions.

18)  Has the silent American (re)divorce epidemic affected you and/or kids you care about?

19)  Fundamentals of effective co-parenting  and child discipline.

20)  How to plan and manage major family changes well together, and...

21)  Selected recent health and family-related research summaries

        In addition to these foundations, adults in typical in (a) divorcing families and (b) courting or committed stepfamilies also need to know these...

  Re/marriage and Stepfamily Essentials

22)    Basic stepfamily facts and implications slides or text. Also see this Q&A article.

23)  How typical intact biofamilies are like average stepfamilies, and ~70 ways they differ

24)  Why accepting your stepfamily identity and what it means is vital, starting in courtship

25)  Common surface and primary problems stepfamily adults and kids encounter, and
       12 protective Projects adults can work at together to avoid or overcome them -         slides or text

      Reference: An example of these problems in a real stepfamily

26)  (a) Who comprises (belongs to) your stepfamily, and (b) how to avoid and resolve               stepfamily membership (inclusion-exclusion) conflicts effectively.

27)  An overview of three related stressors that all troubled, divorcing, and stepfamily adults
      and supporters must understand and learn to master

28)  16 courtship danger signs - article and worksheet

29)   how courting co-parents can make wise commitment decisions to the right
      people, for the right reasons, at the right time (Project 7 slides). The related text series
      starts here.

30)  Questions typical family adults and supporters should ask, and links to experience-
       based answers

31)   Three possible developmental paths average stepfamilies can follow

32)  Three levels of common divorcing-family and stepfamily problems

33)  What typical stepfamily mates need from their relationship

34)  Basic perspective on ex mate (co-parental) relationships. Also see this Q&A article.

35)  How stepparenting differs from "traditional" intact-biofamily parenting,

36)  A summary of typical stepkids' family-adjustment needs

37)  Stepparent-stepchild basics. See also these stepparent and stepchild Q&A articles.

38)  perspective on effective stepparenting - slides or text.

39)  Fundamentals of effective stepfamily child-discipline

40)  Perspective on the multi-year merger of three or more multi-generational biofamilies
      that occurs when a stepfamily forms or expands

41)  Common stepfamily myths and realities

42)  Inventory and celebrate your stepfamily's strengths! (multi-part worksheet)

43)  Why typical stepfamily co-parents need to find and use qualified support

44)  How to build an effective co-parent support network,

45)  How to choose an effective stepfamily counselor

46)  How to choose or start an effective co-parent support group

47)  How to avoid impractical or harmful stepfamily and co-parenting advice and pick useful        stepfamily books and Web sites

48)  How to stay balanced personally and maritally as you do all of these things plus other        life activities and responsibilities every day.

Once your co-parents (stepparents and bioparents) absorb, tailor, and integrate these funda-mental ideas over several months, you'll be well qualified to resolve (or avoid) most of these common stepfamily (surface) problems together.

        Implication: to qualify as an informed personal or family advisor, any clergyperson, attorney, judge, teacher, mediator, doctor, counselor, and insurance professional needs to be fluent in all these topics. For more perspective, review these questions average family adults and supporters should research.

        Recall: the stepfamily articles build on the 21 "universal" articles above. If reading and applying the ideas in these articles looks like a lot of work - it is! So is enduring significant family-relationship stress for many years, and potential divorce trauma. The TANSTAFL principle rules:

"There Ain't No Such Thing as Free Lunch!"

Status Check

        Clarify your reaction to this "home study course" by answering True, False, or ? (I'm not sure now, or it depends on ____):

All Families

I understand and accept the idea of normal personality subselves now (T  F  ?)

My true Self is guiding my personality right now  (T  F  ?) If not, you risk skewed answers to what follows...

I understand and accept the idea of the [wounds + unawareness] cycle now (T  F  ?)

I'm clear enough on which of these 48 topics (above) I need to study now (T  F  ?)

I'm comfortable asking each of our family adults and key supporters to study and discuss these topics now, or I'm clear on my options for raising my comfort now  (T  F  ?)

I will start studying these articles in the next three days or sooner  (T  F  ?)

Keeping our family's nurturance-level high is among my top five priorities now  (T  F  ?)

Stepfamilies

I'm clear (a) that we are a multi-home stepfamily, and on (b) who belongs to our nuclear stepfamily now  (T  F  ?)

I feel very clear on the long-term purpose of our family now  (T  F  ?)

I'm sure that the adults in each of our related family homes would benefit by studying all these topics  (T  F  ?)

        Pause, breathe from your belly, and notice your thoughts and feelings now. What are your ruling subselves saying?

Recap

        This list of key educational articles exists because it appears from 28 years' research that most American lay and professional adults are unaware they need vital information about personalities, relationships, effective communication, thinking, problems-solving, and child care; family health and nurturance, and healthy grieving,

        Very few people are aware of the silent, toxic [wounds + unawareness] cycle that is inexorably spreading down our generations and promoting major personal, marital, family, and societal stress.

        The key to reducing these unawarenesses and halting the cycle is (a) a desire to learn, and (b) education. The articles listed above are in two groups - universal information, and stepfamily fundamentals which build on them.

        This entire Web site and its related guidebooks are devoted to amplifying and applying these basic ideas to (a) promote personal wholistic health and high-nurturance relationships and families, and (b) prevent psychological and legal divorce.

        For practical options for preventing family stress and divorce, see this.

+ + +

        Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what do you need? Is there anyone you want to discuss these ideas with? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident true Self, or "someone else"?

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Updated June 25, 2008