Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents

Perspective on Parental
and Self Neglect

Were you neglected a child?

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/basics/neglect.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds, building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This intro-duction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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        This article exists because millions of typical girls and boys become seriously-troubled adults be-cause they didn't get important developmental needs met by their caregivers - i.e. they were neglected. Often, their parents and ancestors came from low-nurturance environments too - and their society allow-ed that. The article offers perspective on parental and self neglect, and links to how to assess them, avoid them, and reduce them in your home and family.

Contents

Perspective on parental neglect

Why some parents neglect their kids

Typical effects of significant neglect

Perspective on self neglect; and

Action options.

        This article assumes you're familiar with these concepts:

Perspective

        We humans and other animals are needy critters. Needs are physical, emotional, and spiritual discomforts. Nurturing means "filling someone's needs." Here, neglect means "not filling needs that you're responsible for." Our needs change constantly as we age and the world evolves.

        Families exist because they usually fill their members' (and society's) primary needs more effec-tively than other human groups. Some "high-nurturance" families do this more effectively than others.   

        My experience as a veteran family-systems therapist since 1981 with over 1000 average Midwes-tern American women and men suggests that ignorance about "parental neglect" is common. That's partly because many well-meaning parents weren't taught what their children need developmentally as they grow toward adulthood. This is one vital component of the unacknowledged [wounds and unaware-ness] cycle that is crippling the majority of modern U.S. families and our society.

        Test this premise by (a) taking this quiz about families with an open mind. Then (b) see how many traits of a high-nurturance family you can describe. Then (c) ask yourself how many families you know who consistently supply most of these traits to their members - starting with your own family.

        Healthy parents genuinely want and love their kids, and strive to prepare them for a safe, happy, productive adulthood. Parents who survived serious neglect themselves as young children are often un-able to supply some of what their kids need.

        Premise - people who were significantly neglected as young kids grow up neglecting themselves as adults. To avoid painful awareness, they often rationalize, joke, deny, or minimize that they do this - de-spite glaring evidence of the toxic results, like widespread obesity, major illnesses, addictions, and divor-ces. Many self-neglectful people are shame-based, and unconsciously feel they don't deserve to fill their own wholistic needs well.

        Do you know anyone like this?

Neglect 101

        Say your definition of "parental neglect" out loud. Then picture yourself before the age of six, and/or any other children you care about at that age. Keep those images with you as you read.

        Now read these brief research summaries on American neglect trends, and how childhood abuse and neglect change young brains and promote later suicide.

        See how you feel about these premises:

  • Starting before birth, children depend on their birth mother and other caregiving adults to fill

  • daily survival needs - nutritious food, water, shelter, stimulation, touching, protec-tion; and...

  • their dynamic emotional + spiritual + socializing (developmental) needs. Most of these needs can be filled by caregivers and teachers providing high-nurturance traits like these.

  • Typical young children need a balance of masculine and feminine nurturance for healthy devel-opment;

  • Co-parents who conceive children and/or agree to care for other people’s children are morally, legally, and socially responsible for...

    • learning the youngsters’ range of primary needs at each stage of their growth, and...

    • doing their best to fill these needs (nurture) adequately.

        Healthy parents want to do this, vs. feeling obligated to from guilt, shame, and/or anxiety. For per-sonal and/or environmental reasons, parents range from competent to inadequate in their ability to nur-ture a child over two decades to prepare them to live independently and nurture kids effectively them-selves. So parental neglect may not be apparent until 25 or more years after a child's birth.

        This site proposes that parents who consistently want to provide a high-nurturance environment for dependent kids and themselves raise Grown Nurtured Children (GNCs). Two key traits of GNCs is that they (a) develop harmonious personality led by a competent true Self, and they clearly have filled their developmental needs by the time they choose to live independently.

Why Do Some Parents Neglect their Children?

        Try answering this question out loud. Then compare your idea to this: parents fail to fill their kids' physical, psychological, and spiritual needs for four interactive reasons:

  • Wounds - They inherited significant psychological wounds from their unaware ancestors, and they need to deny or ignore that and what it means. Common results: (a) they unconsciously choose wounded partners who also may be unable to nurture kids effectively, and (b) have un-planned and unwanted conceptions; and...

  • Unawareness and ignorance - parents' ancestors and teachers didn't educate them adequately about (a) kids' developmental needs and (b) how to best fill these needs while steadily nurturing themselves and each other; and...

  • Social denial, ignorance, and permission. Our (wounded, unaware) culture tacitly promotes the pervasive [wounds + unawareness] cycle spreading down the generations by denying the cy-cle and its toxic results. So far, there is no public demand for licensing or regulating parents.

        Paradox: our society tests for competency to operate a vehicle and provide profes-sional legal, medical, pastoral, and financial services. It requires no proof that parents are qualified to raise healthy new citizens. Our wide range of costly social ills is one expensive result; including...

  • Poverty. Parents struggling for daily survival often have too few resources to nurture their children adequately.

Pause and reflect. Can you think of other reasons parents can't fill their children's developmental and special needs well enough? If you know parents in a low-nurturance family, do any of these proposed reasons fit them?

Typical Effects of Childhood Neglect

        A thoro description is beyond the scope of this summary article. In the context of this nonprofit Web site, significant parental neglect of kids' basic developmental needs promotes...

  • the children developing up to six psychological wounds:

a fragmented personality

difficulty trusting appropriately

 excessive shame and guilts

significant reality distortions

excessive  fears

difficulty bonding

This has far-reaching toxic effects on them and society until they hit true bottom, and choose to admit and reduce their wounds - usually in middle age.

  • the wounds of reality distortion and excessive shame often promote significant self neglect - which in turn promotes poor health, stressful relationships, and premature death. These promote significant stress in family members and supporters.

  • combined with adult and social unawareness and denials, these wounds are apt to pass on to the next generation, spreading their toxic effects in society.

Do these effects seem credible to you? Can you think of any other common effects of parental ignorance and child neglect?

   What is Self Neglect?

        It is continuing childhood habits of not caring about one's own physical, emotional, and spiritual (wholistic) health. Epidemic examples are eating unhealthy foods, avoiding exercise and regular health checkups, working too hard, ignoring bodily warnings, and not getting enough quality sleep - and justify-ing or minimizing these.

        Self neglect may be amplified by self dislike, self disgust, or self hatred. All of these are clear evi-dence of a dedicated false self. They stem from excessive shame and guilt learned very early - fostering a certainty that "I'm worthless and unlovable, and don't deserve to be happy or healthy.")

        Typical personality subselves contributing to self neglect are the Shamed Child, Guilty Child, Scared Child, Pessimist, Perfectionist, Procrastinator, Worrier, Magician, and Inner Critic. Collectively, they are a "false self." One result of true (vs. pseudo) wound-reduction is that these subselves learn to trust the resident Nurturer and true Self, and start to value the host person's health and welfare.

        Do you know people who are neglecting their health and wellbeing? Are you? Keep your perspec-tive: social denials and tolerance for the toxic [wounds + unawareness] cycle are the primary problem. Self neglect is a symptom and secondary problem. Do you agree?

Options

        Common reactions to parental and self neglect are...

  • denial ("Neglectful? No Way!"),

  • minimizing ("It's not so bad"),

  • reasoning ["You should take better care of (someone), because..."],

  • threatening ("If you don't stop belittling our son, I'm going to..."),

  • scorning ("When are you going to grow up?"), and/or...

  • criticizing ("You are a poor excuse for a parent.")

These classic false-self attitudes will never produce lasting second-order (core attitude) changes, because they don't validate and reduce the underlying wounds and ignorance. They usually amplify anxiety, guilt, shame, and frustration.

        More productive options include...

  • Evaluate this proposal about breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle;

  • Read Project 1 concepts here, and assess yourself honestly for significant false-self wounds;

  • Adopt a multi-decade outlook, and commit to personal wound-reduction (recovery) as appropriate;

  • Read, tailor, and apply these foundation concepts to fit your situation:

  • See adults neglecting their minor children, as wounded and unaware (vs. bad), and respectfully  encourage them to read and apply these three steps for their and their kids' sakes; and...

  • if you suspect or observe child abuse or major neglect, alert the responsible adults that unless they correct these, you'll report them to local child-welfare officials and/or the police. Then follow up on this, for the sake of your integrity and their vulnerable children.

  • Use these wise guidelines to help you make the right decisions, and seek and use informed support where appropriate.

Recap

        Neglect is willfully ignoring the moral or legal responsibility to help a dependent child or disabled adult fill their primary needs. When the dependent person bears your name, you're self neglectful.

        This article offers perspective on personal and parental neglect and what causes them - significant psychological wounds and unawareness. It also suggests common personal and social results of signif-icant childhood neglect, and options for responding to or reducing neglect in yourself or child care-givers. 

For more perspective, read this overview of abuse. Child neglect can be viewed as abusive.

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        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or 'someone else'?

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Updated  January 02, 2009