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Help each other identify and fill your
primary needs
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Premises About
Relationship
"Problems"
How do these compare with
your beliefs?
p. 1 of 2
By Peter K.
Gerlach MSW
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 The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/basics/premises-rlnprob.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's
purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part
of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
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To get the most from studying these two pages, get
undistracted, and consider
your thoughts and feelings as you reflect. Check to see if
your true Self is
your personality now. If not, your reactions to these premises may
be muted and/or distorted. |
All
relationships create conflicts or problems - clashing
perceptions,
and
preferen-ces. Divorce, parent/spouse death, and remarriage cause
lots of simultaneous conflicts for all kids and adults involved.
This article
proposes 21 premises about solving any relationship problem.
The premises are about (a) you, and (b) resolving problems. I invite you to read these
thoughtfully to discover what you believe. Your beliefs,
attitudes, and communication
will shape how well you're able to
and fill your personal and social needs in any situation.
Circle or check which of these applies tro each premise: A = "I
agree," D = "I disagree," and ? = "I'm not sure," or "It depends" (on
what?)
+ + +
Premise 1:
The clearer you are on your
set of basic beliefs and attitudes about
relationships and "prob-lems," the more you'll feel centered, serene,
confident, calm, and productive in any
life situation.
(A D ?) Moral: intentionally develop
Premise 2: Regardless of age, gender, and setting,
mutually-satisfying
relationships usually have most of these
four sets
of ingredients. (A D ?) Option - Use the
linked summary to help identify missing
ingredi-ents in your significant relationships.
 Premises About You
Premise 3:
You are a truly unique, worthwhile
person. Each other person in your life
was and is just as unique and worthy in their own way. You have an intrinsic
potential value to you, as
judged by yourself and others. Anyone who needs to
label you as "worthless" or "bad" probably feels that about themselves, but can't own
that yet. (A D ?)
Your worth
comes from your natural capacity to promote
and growth, peace, safety,
comfort, and
love in living things, starting with yourself and those who
depend on you. Your personal worth
on whether you make other people
"happy," no matter what others say or imply. We each are ultimately
responsible for our own periods of happiness, and we
can help each
other find, enjoy, and extend them. (A D ?)
Premise 4:
Being unique means that you have talents and abilities (gifts) which you may or may not
rec-ognize, develop, and use. Doing these bring periods of fulfillment and satisfaction
("happiness") over time. Other people have different (vs.
better)
gifts than yours. You have no control over what talents you're born with. You
can
what you do with them. (A D
?)
Premise 5:
You and others have inherent limitations which
you didn't cause and can't change. You can...
-
calmly acknowledge,
and adapt to your limits; or...
-
feel
or angry about them,
and
them.
The latter never promotes personal peace, health,
productivity, and joy, long
term. If your
limitations cause a problem for others, it is their responsibility to resolve
that, not
yours - unless you're
and/or you've chosen to lie about yourself. Their
disappointment or frustration with your limits is your problem to accept or to act to
(A D ?)
Premise 6:
all normal people (like you) have one
personality. It is composed of talented
subselves, like the
players in an orchestra or sports team. Each subself has
unique abilities, limitations, needs, and values, and is dedicated to your
survival. All of them together form an
which behaves just like your "outer" (physical)
family. They cause your thoughts, hunches, dreams, moods, and behaviors
moment to moment and over time. (A D ?)
For
more perspective on your subselves, read this
and return. If
you're skeptical (or curious) about this idea, read this
letter to you with an open
mind, and try this safe, interesting
exercise. Then return here.
If
still scoff at the idea of normal personality subselves, the
articles in this non-profit Web site will be of little use to you.
Premise 7:
Your human relationships range from none >
>
close / intimate > primary.
Each
relationship's rank is
based on your exchange of
mutual
and admiration; your mutual need-fulfillment (premise 2); the compatibility
of your interests, styles, (e.g. conservative > liberal), and
and the degree of your
(A D ?)
See
this for more premises
about persons and relationships.
Premises About
Relationship
Problems
Premise
8: Here, the
word problem means "one or more
unmet needs in one or more
or people." A need is a
significant physical, emotional, or
spiritual discomfort. We kids and adults semi-consciously seek to get and keep
personal
and peace by acting to
fill enough of our current needs, which change all the time. (A D
?)
|
Premise 9:
all human
relationships are powered by each partner trying to fill their main
current
well enough. Thus
permanently solving
your
and interpersonal
(social) relationship problems hinges on
all partners
and filling their current
primary
(vs. surface or secondary) needs well
enough. (A D ?) |
Premise
10:
Your and my needs
are...
neither good nor bad,
like our eye color
or fingerprints. The way we act to fill our needs can be "good" or
"bad," if our attitudes and behaviors cause discomfort or block health and growth
in someone. Many of us were taught to
ourselves or
others for being "too needy." That's like labeling a person bad
or weak for needing to breathe. (A D ?)
conscious, semi-conscious, and unconscious. Our
conscious needs are usually on the "surface" of our awareness
("I need the car now").
There are usually deeper semi-conscious and unconscious
needs
("I need the security of knowing now that I have a
reliable way of getting to the bank and back, so I'll have cash to
handle unexpected expenses.")
Effective
problem-solving requires
and filling primary needs!
(A D ?)
And human needs...
interact - my emotional, physical, and
spiritual needs cause and affect yours, and vice versa (A D ?); and our needs...
are
satisfied temporarily; then
may recur (A D ?). And our needs...
come in complex clusters. At any moment, you and others
have groups of minor to major emotional, physical, and spiritual
surface and
primary
needs that vary in priority (discomfort) and constantly shift and interact
(A D ?). And your needs...
follow a natural ranking or
- i.e.
we semi-consciously rank some needs as more important than others.
Our
shift, with age, wisdom, and circumstance. (A D ?)
Premise 11:
Key factors in the outcome
of any relationship problem are...
-
what each
person's current primary (vs. surface) needs are, and...
-
how each person ranks their
and their partner's needs at the moment and over time.
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Inner and mutual
peace may happen when all partners
genuinely believe "Your and my needs are
equally important to me now, so let's help each other fill them."
This site calls this
an equal/equal
or win-win attitude.
Most social frustrations, conflicts, and
happen because partners (i.e. their ruling
(a) don't
identify and own their primary needs, and (b) don't genuinely rank their needs or values as
=/=, over time. (A D ?)
|
Corollary: a key parental task is to patiently, lovingly guide
minor kids to change their natural ego-centric "My needs come first" instincts
to "Your and my needs rank equally with me now." The latter
attitude is a trait of true
Adults can't teach that if they don't model it spontaneously. (A
D ?)
 Recall
- these 21 premises are core
beliefs that shape how
effectively partners
view and try to resolve their
"relationship problems." This
effectiveness takes conscious effort to achieve (e.g. work at
and is vital for building a
family and life.
More premises...
Premise 12: Most significant relationship
"problems" have four parts:
| Jack's surface needs |
Jill's surface needs |
| Jack's
primary needs |
Jill's
primary needs |
Unless Jack and Jill
(a) are
clearly
of all four
parts and (b) agree to brainstorm filling their respective
primary
needs as teammates, lasting win-win problem-solving (need satisfaction) is unlikely.
For
example: if Jack says "You never listen to me" and Jill dutifully or
anxiously tries to improve her listening,
Jack may remain dissatisfied because his
unspoken primary need is to feel more valued and respected by Jill. That would take spontaneous (vs.
new behaviors from Jill. It also might take Jack
reducing his old
wound,
which has nothing to do with Jill.
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Most partners
aren't
used to
to identify their and a partner's primary needs. This leaves them focused on surface
(secondary) needs and/or
attacking each other as persons ("arguing") vs. teaming up to
help each other fill their respective needs equally. (A D ?)
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To make this concept more real, study this
comparison of common surface
problems and primary causes for them.
Premise
12:
Needs can conflict concurrently within
us and between
us. One implication of normal
is
frequent
fights. One personality
subself may want their host person to act (thought stream: "Come on, come on,
pick up the phone and call!"), and one or more other
subselves may urge "No, no! You'll probably get lectured at and rejected
again,
which will hurt. Don't call!"
Ring any bells? For most of us,
these inner squabbles are so common we're not even aware of them. They distract and
defocus us, and use up lots of energy ("Why am I so tired all
the time...") When people (like
you) develop
they can
start to recognize these semi-conscious inner struggles. In
from false-self
they (you) can
quiet and sort out all the
and invoke the skill and wisdom of your
to mediate and reach acceptable inner
compromises. That paves the way for outer compromise.
A challenging
implication of this is that
a
"problem" between
two mates, co-workers, and adults and kids can really be a whole cluster of concurrent
inner and mutual conflicts:
Jack's conscious
surface needs |
<< conflict >> |
Jill's conscious
surface needs |
Jack's semi-conscious
<< conflicting primary needs >> |
Jill's' semi-conscious
<< conflicting primary needs >> |
In major internal and interpersonal
conflicts, the learnable communication skills of
clear
and
empower you to
analyze your and your partner's underlying primary needs.
(A D ?) Learning to do this
is part of family
Before continuing, pause and reflect. Look over your pattern of A / D / ?
responses. Each "D" and "?" merit further undistracted meditation.
Why did you start to read this
article? Are you getting what you needed? What are you learning from
these basic premises about you, relationships, and human "problems"? Take a break
if you need to, and then...
Premise 13:
Relationship problems often involve a stressful dynamic
described by Dr. Steven Karpmann in 1968 as
Persecutor - Victim
- Rescuer (PVR)
The basic idea is that problems between two peo-ple often involve a
third person in a way that keeps the problem going. Solving such problems requires non-judgmental
of who's needs
create and maintain the triangle, and filling their needs another way.
(A D ?)
Premise 14:
An interdependent
relationship is one in which both partners genuinely feel "I choose to be with
you, and I can live well enough without you if I must."
Social surveys steadily report this feels best,
and lasts the longest, compared to...
A
or
relationship in which one or both partners gives their power and
personal responsibility to the other, believing "I can't live without you." Such
people are usually badly
and are
and
until in true personal
wound-
or...
An independent
relationship, where neither partner really needs much from the other, and
has a weak or no emotional/spiritual
with them.
They may pretend otherwise to them-selves and other people. (A D
?)
This is pretty dry and theoretical, isn't it? Recall why you're
reading this, and take any needed break before finishing this article. Are you getting clearer on what you believe
about the relationships among your personality subselves and people
in your life?
 Continue with
relationship-problem premise 15...
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Updated
September 11, 2008
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