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The Web address of this quiz is http://sfhelp.org/basics/quiz_parenting.htm

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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds, building high-nurtur-ance family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and preventing divorce. This intro-duction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help.

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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        This quiz is one of six in this educational Web site designed to help you decide whether you and/or someone else should study the basics here. My experience as a professional family systems therapist since 1981 has taught me that one reason for widespread personal, marital, and family problems is adult unawareness and ignorance (lack of knowledge) of these basic topics:

• personalities and relationships;

• family systems;

• effective communication principles and skills;

• bonding, losses, and healthy grief; and for some...

• stepfamily basics.

Premise - the more you know about these topics, the more effective you may be in raising a child - so take each of these four or five quizzes before you take this quiz on parenting.

        This quiz aims to...

• grow your appreciation for the range of requisites for effective parenting

• help you gauge what you already know and what you need to learn, and to...

• motivate you to be the most effective co-parent you can be over several decades

        To get the most from this quiz, choose at least 30" of undistracted time. Consider whether jour-naling about your experience would increase your awareness and learnings. If you've begun to under-stand who leads the subselves that form your personality, decide whether your true Self is taking this quiz, or some other well-meaning subselves (a "false self") are. If not your Self, expect skewed results here.

        On a scale of one (totally ignorant) to ten (extremely knowledgeable), how would you rate your knowledge of effective-parenting basics? ___  Would others who know you well agree? Options - on the same 1-10 scale, rate the parenting knowledge of your mate ___, your mother ___, your father ___ and your grandparents ___ .

        If there are young people in your life, keep them in mind as you respond to these items. Alternative-ly, think of yourself as a young child and the people who raised you.

  Effective-parenting Basics

1) General Knowledge

        Option - answer each item out loud, and compare your answer to the linked information.

__ 1)  Describe:

• normal personality subselves,

• your true Self, and

• a false self.

__ 2)  Describe at least six traits that suggest your true Self is guiding your other subselves, and decide if your Self (capital "S") is guiding your personality right now: __ yes  __ no  __ I'm not sure.

__ 3)  Describe what human needs are, and the four types of normal needs.

__ 4)  Describe wholistic health

__ 5)  Explain:

• human bonding,

• pseudo bonding, and

• what's required to form healthy bonds between two people.

__ 6)  Define "a family"

__ 7)  Describe what makes families different than other human groups

__ 8)  Name at least 10 traits of a high-nurturance (functional) family

__ 9)  Describe at least six of the key differences between a nurturing relationship and a toxic rela-          tionship.  

__ 10)  Describe...

• six psychological wounds often caused by growing up in low-nurturance childhoods;

• at least three typical impacts of these wounds.
  
   

• _ when parents should assess themselves for significant wounds, and _ what they should do about any they find.

__ 11)  Explain _ the difference between shame and guilt , _ where each comes from, and how to _ avoid            and _ reduce shame and guilt over time.

__ 12)   Name the three levels of healthy grieving, _ the key phases of each level, _ at least five                       symptoms of incomplete grief, and _ when grieving is "done."

__ 13)  Name at least six things required for healthy grief, and _ describe how grief can get slowed or             blocked in a child or adult.

__ 14)  Describe _ at least five symptoms of incomplete grief, and _ how adults can _ facilitate healthy            grief, and _ support a mourner effectively.

__ 15)  Describe _ why normal (vs. excessive) anxiety is helpful, and _ how to reduce excessive anxie-            ties and fears to "normal."

__ 16)  Explain _ the difference between spirituality and religion, and _ how that difference relates to a            person's wholistic health. 

        Pause, breathe, and reflect... what did you just learn about yourself? Now switch gears and assess your...

2) Knowledge about Effective Parenting

        Options...

• tailor these items to fit your personality and situation;

• rank these items in importance (least to most);

• be alert for other topics that you feel should be included here; and...

• objectively judge how much each of the adults who raised you knew about these topics (none > some > a lot). 

A) General Parenting Knowledge

__  17)  Explain when effective parenting begins.

__  18)  Define four common goals of "effective parenting" (child raising);

__  19)  Describe what couples need to know about _ themselves, _ each other, and _ how to             parent effectively before deciding to conceive, foster, or adopt a child.

__  20)  Describe...

• at least 15 of the ~25 normal developmental needs of typical children, and...

• the eight stages of normal human development proposed by Dr. Erik Erickson.

__  21)  Describe six essential traits of effective parents.

__  22)  Define at least two criteria for judging the effectiveness of any parent.
 

__  23)  Name at least 10 traits of an effectively-parented adult child (a "Grown Nurtured Child,"
            or GNC).

__  24)  Name two things that effective parents usually rank higher than the welfare of their dependent             kids, except in emergencies
. 

__  25)  Explain the purpose of family roles and rules,
 

__  26)  Describe the purposes of child discipline.
 

__  27)  Describe...

• effective assertion
   

• empathic listening,
   

• five traits of effective child discipline.
   

__  28)  Name at least ten differences between communicating to adults and to typical kids and teens.

__  29)  I know how and why to monitor and regulate a child's use of TV, the Internet, and video             games. (True / False / I'm not sure)

__  30)  I know when and how to _ explain a personal "life mission" and "living on purpose" to a child,                and how to _ respectfully encourage the child to discover and cultivate their life purpose.

B) Relationship Knowledge

__  31)  Describe why, how, and when to teach a child to be aware of _ themselves, interactions with              others, and _ their environment.

__  32)  Describe how, why, and when to teach a child about _ normal personality subselves, their true             Self, and false self; and _ how to best use this knowledge; and...

__  33)  Describe why, how, and when to teach a child how to _ recognize and _ settle internal conflicts,             and to _ harmonize his or her "inner family" of subselves.

__  34)  Describe why, when, and how to teach a child to _ understand, _ accept, and _ assert their             personal human rights effectively, with minimal guilt or anxiety.

__  35)  Describe...

_  an interpersonal (or innerpersonal) relationship triangle

_  why triangles can be significantly stressful - specially if minor kids are involved; and...

_  what responsible adults can do to avoid and permanently dissolve significant triangles.

__  36)  I know how to teach a child to _ value and invite cooperation among different people, and to
            _ appreciate and enjoy (vs. judge or fear) the differences between people. (True / False / ?)

__  37)  Describe how and when to teach a child to _ understand and _ appreciate common gender-            based (male / female) differences

__  38)  Describe how to teach a child how to make healthy choices about _ whom to trust, _ with what,             and _ how to react effectively to people they don't trust

__  39)  Describe how and when to teach a child how to develop, understand, and use empathy with             other living things - including how to listen to others empathically.

__  40)  I know how to _ teach a child how to differentiate abuse, aggression, assertion, and submis-            sion; and _ how to react appropriately to each of these.

__  41)  I know how and when to teach a child how to _ analyze and _ resolve significant relationship             "problems" (unmet needs).

__  42)  I know _ why typical kids (and adults) may lie or withhold their truth, and _ how to react when             when they do.

C)  Life-skill Knowledge

__  43)  Describe what causes anger and frustration, _ a healthy family anger policy, and _ how and             when to teach a child to understand and use anger and frustration constructively.

__  44)  Describe how and when to teach a child about _ bonding, _ losses, and _ healthy grieving, and             how to support a mourner effectively.

__  45)  Describe how to teach a child how to _ regulate and _ use worries and fears constructively

__  46)  Describe how to teach a child to _ understand and use normal guilt, how to _ avoid unmerited             guilt, _ how to reduce excessive guilt to normal, and _ how to react to guilt-based people.

__  47)  Describe how to teach a child to _ take responsibility for their decisions and actions, and             to _ give others responsibility for theirs, without excessive guilt, shame, or anxiety.

__  48)  Describe _ how and _ when to teach a child the difference between spirituality and religion,             and _ how and _ from whom to seek spiritual awareness, wisdom, and support.

__  49)  I know how to _ teach a child to _ develop and _ live by their own healthy sense of right and             wrong, _ how to be honest about mistakes, and _ how to learn from them.

__  50)  Describe how and why to teach a child _ how their body works, _ how to choose a healthy diet,
             _ how to manage and enjoy their sensuality and sexuality well, and _ how to balance work, play,             and rest.

__  51)  Describe how and when to teach a child _ what an addiction is, _ why people become ad-            dicts, and _ how and why to avoid enabling or scorning addicted people.

__  52)  Name _ the main social skills a child needs to learn in order to be a self-sufficient young             adult, and _ decide if you know how and when to teach them these skills. (Yes / No / ?)

Effective Communication Skills

__  53)  Describe when and how to _ model and _ teach a child how to think clearly and critically,
            _ how to spot "fuzzy thinking," and _ how to react to it effectively.

__  54)  Describe _ why, _ when and _ how to teach a child how to differentiate between surface             needs and primary needs.

__  55)  Describe _ how and _ when to teach a child effective-communication basics and skills, and _             how to recognize and avoid at least ten common communication blocks.

__  56)  Describe how to teach a child how to _ give and _ receive feedback to and from other people,             including genuine praise and appreciation.

__  57)  Describe how to teach a child to do _ win-win problem solving, and _ how to avoid these com-            mon  alternatives.

        Pause and reflect - what are you thinking and feeling now? How do you feel about your basic know-ledge about kids' needs and effective-parenting basics? Do most of your family adults know these funda-mentals? If not, how is that affecting your kids' development, relationships, health, and achievements?

        Pause, breathe from your belly, close your eyes, and notice with interest what your "inner voices" (subselves) are saying. What does that mean to you? Consider journaling about what's going on among your dynamic inner family now...

What Now?

        If you found all these items overwhelming, easy does it. I've found very few experienced family adults who could honestly answer more than a third of these parenting basics. Most of our parents and grand-parents didn't know many of these things when they were raising us, and many human-service profes-sionals were never taught them all (!) 

        I hope this quiz motivates you to learn more about your unique, amazing personality subselves, and how you can significantly raise the nurturance levels in the key relationships among them and key kids and adults in your life. Is there anyone you want to give a copy of this quiz to or refer them to this Web article?

        As you see, there's a lot to learn, evaluate, model, and teach typical kids! Doing so patiently is a priceless investment in raising the quality of your and their days, health, and life. To expand your aware-ness and knowledge, take these similar self-assessment quizzes.

        Option: re-read this quiz, identify the links that intrigue you, and follow each of them over some  days or weeks to learn what's there. Another option is to find a motivated partner to study, discuss, and mull as you go. Review these suggestions about how to best use this site - i.e. how to get the most for your time.

        If you're interested in  a self-study course to learn these basics and clarify what you believe, commit energy and undistracted time to absorbing these foundation articles and these Q&A items on key topics. Note that these basics articles are not meant to decree what you should think or believe.

        I hope they will motivate you to clarify your own beliefs about relationships, families, and life skills. The reason for this is that unawareness and ignorance (lack of knowledge) seem to be one of five potent causes of epidemic American family unhappiness, stress, and psychological or legal divorce.

        Also see these articles on effective-parenting goals, values, traits, and barriers.

        Typical family adults don't know what they don't know about these basic topics. Do you?

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        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or someone else?

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