The Web
address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/basics/roles_rules.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your brow-ser's
popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and
divorce.
This intro-duction describes the
Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment,
vs. re-place, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
This article assumes you're
familiar with...
This article offers perspectives on two aspects of any human group -
roles (responsibilities to each other and society)
and rules (how to perform
social roles "acceptably"). Roles
and rules can cause signif-icant confusion
and conflict in low-nurturance homes and families, so family members and
supporters need to understand these basics.
This article
offers:
-
perspective on family roles and
rules,
including role confusions, conflicts, and strain;
-
options family adults can
use
to avoid or resolve significant role and rule conflicts.
Try saying your definition of "family roles" out loud. Then compare it to
this:
About Family
Roles
Would you agree that groups of people
are more harmonious and productive when each person knows what they and other members are
responsible for? A role is a
set of values and responsibilities
that someone accepts - or feels someone else should want to accept
("Jennie and Mel are responsible for caring for their baby.")
A role
identifies a person's responsibilities in the context of a group, and may
prioritize (rank) them. Can you name all the roles you've chosen or accepted
in your current life? Common exam-ples are parent, child, sibling, home-owner, citizen,
voter, neighbor, vehicle-operator,
employee or stu-dent, friend, consumer, and bill-payer.
|
A role is not
a person - e.g. the role-title son designates (a) a genetic and ancestral
relation-ship
with parents and grandparents, and (b) set of
social responsibilities ("sons should obey their parents") -
not the
male who accepts them. Implication:
if "Manny is a harsh father" it does not mean he is a "bad"
person! |
Social roles can be...
-
freely chosen by a
child or n adult - consciously or unconsciously; or...
-
dictated (imposed) by some person or group (like society) and
accepted or rejected; or...
-
negotiated co-operatively by all group members to fill their
respective
In
families, all adults and children are (a) clear and comfortable enough with
their several concurrent roles (e.g. daughter, granddaughter, sister, and
niece), and (b) agree well enough on them. In low-nurturance families and
groups, roles are imposed, assumed, vague,
unstable (variable), disputed, and/or inappropriate (don't fit members'
abilities and interests).
These cause various stresses.
What's the nurturance level of your family now?
Family roles usually come in pairs:
parent–child; husband–wife; brother–sister; uncle–nephew; and so on. We
label our family roles to identify our expectations of how
each person is "supposed to" feel and act toward the other person
and the group.
Multi-generational (extended) biofamilies have up to 15
traditional
roles, like father, aunt, nephew, sister, cousin, grandmother,…
Roles and Your Personality
From 27 years' clinical
experience, I proposes that
most (all?) normal
are composed of an "inner family" of talented
like an orchestra or sports team. Each subself performs a special
role in the personality, just as each physical family adult and child has their
own roles. They can have role and rule conflicts just like people ("My
feels she is better at managing tasks than my
")
When a person's subselves are confused, overwhelmed, and/or conflicted about
their inner and outer roles, that promotes...
Roles and Family Systems
Any human group (like your family) can be seen as a system of [ people
+ roles + rules +
boundar-ies + resources ]. Some systems function better than
others, for a mix of reasons. With families, that means some fill more of
their members' needs better and more consistently than others.
To test if
your family's functioning is hindered by "role problems," try discussing
questions like these:
-
are we all agreed on who belongs to
our family? (If not, you have a membership (values) conflict).
-
who defines the roles (responsibilities) in
our family - Some member/s? Tradition? Society? No one?
-
Are all our adults aware of role conflicts,
confusion, and strain? If nor, who's responsible for making them aware
of these stressors and how to
avoid and resolve
them?
Role Confusion, Conflict, and
"Strain"
Role confusion can occur when one or more
subselves or people are unsure of their role (responsi-bilities) in the group - e.g. "Should I send a
card to my father-in-law on his retirement?"). Confusion may happen
after a change to the
like a birth or adoption, a child reaching
puberty, a separa-tion or divorce; a marriage, a major illness, disability,
or death; and/or a geographic move.
Role conflicts occur when two or more family members or
personality subselves aren't clear and agreed on what some member is responsible for.
These conflicts can happen as family members age and/or their family system
develops - e.g. "I
think Mario is old enough now to get a job to pay for his own gas and car
insurance." "Well I think that's asking too much of him." Role conflicts are
often clashes of
(preferences or opinions), and
range from minor to major. They may spark concurrent
loyalty dis-putes and relationship triangles.
Role strain happens when a
person or subself...
-
is confused and/or conflicted
in their group responsibilities, and/or...
-
feels
inadequate
or unable
to do their assigned or chosen roles, and/or when they...
-
have concurrent family roles
that conflict (e.g. sister, daughter-in-law, tax accountant, and foster
mom) and/or are collectively overwhelming.
Symptoms of these role problems can be direct ("I don't know how to be a half-brother!") or indirect:
irritability, reactivity, sarcasm, "moodiness," combativeness, avoidances,
ambiguity, etc. Use
and
skills to decide whether family stress-symptoms may be promoted by role
problems.
| Premise: adults and kids in typical
non-traditional and low-nurturance ("dysfunctional") families may endure
(vs. resolve) role confusion, conflict, and strain. These are usually amplified by their (a)
false-self
and
and (b) social ignorance about these stressors and what to do about
them.
|
Stepfamily Roles
Typical
have up to
- the traditional 15 and up to 15 new ones
– like step-grandfather, half-sister, stepdad, step-cousin, non-custodial
biofather, and visiting stepdaughter and stepbrother. The (a)
responsibilities of each of these alien new "jobs," and (b) the values and
rules gover-ning how to "do" the roles right are often unclear to
new-stepfamily members, supporters, and the public.
This is one reason stepfamily adults' evolving meaningful
is a vital part of
their three or more biofamilies. Part of family
and
is intentionally helping all members evolve clarity and agreement on...
-
everyone’s family roles, rules, and rituals; and...
-
names and what to title
each role ("You’re not Marian’s real sister, you’re just her
half-sister.")
Because compared to typical intact biofamilies, there are more members, more
roles, more membership and loyalty conflicts, and little
informed support
for typical stepfamilies, the odds for significant role and rule stress in
and between their related homes are high.
About Family
Rules
As adults and children negotiate
their home and family responsibilities (roles), they also need to forge
stable agreement on family rules - how to do their respective roles in various
situations. Your family members may agree on everyone's
responsibilities, but clash on the rules and consequences associated with
them.
Persons and groups
define rules and consequences un/consciously to
promote order and security - comfort.
Rules are should (not)s, must (not)s, ought
to's, have to's, and
can'ts ("You can't set fire to the furniture.") Rule-making and
enforcing is so pervasive that most of us are unaware of it, except in major
disputes.
All adults, infants, and kids (i.e. their personality subselves)
un/consciously evolve hundreds (thou-sands?) of behavioral rules
("If I smile at Mom, I may get a hug.") to promote security and
comfort. Such rules sound like this:
-
Every adult and child should help to
maintain order, safety, and sanitation in our home.
-
Every person ought to respect themselves and each other in calm and conflictual situations
-
Family members should always (want
to) tell the truth
-
Resident adults (vs. kids) must want
to make major household decisions
-
Parents should not want to be buddies
with their kids
-
Our family relatives should feel
loyal to each other, and enjoy celebrating together
-
We all should want to share religious
faith and worship together
-
We each must visit the dentist at
least twice a year and get a physical checkup at least annually.
-
We have to limit our credit-card debt
to no more than $_____ .
-
Each family member is entitled to his or her
personal privacy and human rights.
...and so on. What would you say
are the ten most powerful rules that shape your family's relationships now?
What would your other family members say?
Family rules and consequences spring from the dominant adults' priorities,
values, and needs. These in turn reflect the traits of their sets of
dominant subselves. People with inner families ruled by a false self
tend to be over-rigid or notably undisciplined and
inconsistent.
Homes and families with inconsistent
or few enforced rules are "chaotic." Their main rule is "We
will make or enforce few rules." At the other end of the spectrum are
persons, homes, and families with too many inflexible rules and consequences.
Who Makes a Family's
Rules...
This really asks "Who
makes the major decisions in our (your) home and family?" Some families are directed by a living or dead matriarch or patriarch.
("Grandma Nell said we should never...") Others are led by one or more partners or parents, a strong-willed
child, and/or an influential advisor. Some fa-milies
have co-leaders, and/or different leaders in different situations.
Family rules and rituals are also shaped by local and national laws and
social "traditions" - e.g. "We always eat turkey and the trimmings for
Thanksgiving." Family members may disagree on who should
lead, or who is leading each home and their
of related homes.
To clarify
who's leading your home and family, try
it after reading this article.
A more vital question for every adult is
"Which
make the rules that cause my behavior
in calm and conflictual times?" Family
focuses on answering this question and acting on the answer. Helping each other become aware of how
home and family rules are made
and enforced enables adults to identify and resolve inevitable conflicts over rules and
consequences.
Typical adults forming a family of their own reproduce some of the rules and
rituals ("traditions") they experienced as kids. They also invent
or adapt rules to
accommodate new personal and social con-ditions. Ideally, your family
members will seek awareness of what
your main rules are, and who made
them, to ensure they're relevant.
...and Consequences?
To
promote order and safety, rules require (a) some sort of known
consequence, and (b) some-one willing to enforce the consequence. A key
variable in rules' effectiveness is how able your family adults are to
their needs, limits, and consequences. Assertiveness depends on who rules
the adults' personalities (true Selves, or other subselves), and how aware
the adults are of...
How do each of your family
adults stand on these three requisites - starting with you?
Consequences can be provided by
Nature ("If you don't
brush your teeth, you get cavities.") or by people ("If you're late for
dinner, you're on your own.") "No
consequence" for a broken rule is a conse-quence, which impacts all family
members in/directly. To discern some of your values about rules and consequences,
see this worksheet, and return.
The challenge of effective child
discipline is to teach kids healthy values and life-skills by respect-fully
providing consequences when they break family and social rules.
A primary developmental task for every growing infant
and child is to learn and persistently test the key rules in their
roles and homes, to see if they’re really safe there.
Unaware or overstressed co-parents may judgmentally mis-label this
instinctive healthy testing as "making trouble," "being uncooperative,"
"rebelling," or "acting out."
Stepfamily Rules
Multi-home
usually have two sets of rules:
"kids here," and "kids away" (visiting). A challenge for most minor
kids shuttling between two co-parenting homes is to adapt to two different
sets of rules that they didn’t help to create, and often can’t significantly
effect.
Legal and informal rules that often causes conflicts in and between average
stepfamily homes have to do with child custody, visitations, financial
support, education, activities, home chores, names, hy-giene, socializing,
and health. Related rules evolve un/consciously to govern how ex-mates,
stepparents, step-siblings, and stepfamily relatives should
feel about and behave toward each other in various settings.
|
A primary adjustment task
for every new stepchild is to learn and persistently test the key
rules and consequences in each of their homes, to see if they’re really safe there.
Unaware or overstressed co-parents may misjudge this instinctive healthy
testing as "making trouble," "being uncooperative," "rebelling,"
"being a brat," or "acting
out." |
Most initial stepfamily rules are based on members' biofamily
experience, training, and social norms, unless they're stepfamily veterans.
Without adult
this promotes unrealistic
expecta-tions -
and escalating frustrations, criticisms, and conflicts.
offers practical options to minimize this,
after family adults accept
your stepfamily identity and what it means.
Agreeing on acceptable consequences for stepfamily rule and boundary
violations is usually harder than in average intact biofamilies. This is
because there are more people, more roles, more concurrent conflicts, more
family-merger tasks, and few social norms and informed supporters. This is
one reason courting co-parents do well to
compare their styles of setting and enforcing consequences in calm and
conflictual family situations before deciding to re/marry ad/or live
together.
Co-parents evolving a workable style of (a) defining, (b) asserting, and (c)
respectfully enforcing consequences is the second half of (d) evolving effective
family roles and rules together. This evolution is part of the complex
multi-year
of their
personal and biofamilies' roles, rules, and
(customs and traditions) over time. This guarantees waves of family-wide
conflicts over
and other things; and associated relationship
for many years.
All divorcing-family and stepfamily adults and supporters need to learn...
-
what each of these
stressors is, and how they affect
each other;
-
how to use these communication
to...
-
discuss and
each type of stressor effectively. Then they need to...
-
teach their young people how to do this.
Family
provides a framework for doing this vital family-building work.
offers options to raise the
among your
family adults as you all patiently merge and stabilize your
biofamilies, assets, and goals.
Resolving Role and Rule
Problems
Typical role and rule conflicts
in any human group are mixes of...
-
concurrent values and loyalty
conflicts and relationship triangles;
and
-
unacknowledged relationship
These surface problems are caused by...
-
the
silent effects of the [wounds + unawareness]
Role confusion and
strain are usually caused by lack of
+
+ ignorance or rejection of personal rights +
ineffective communication
Once
each of these stressors can be reduced or resolved. Follow the links.
Role and rule problems are usually more frequent and complex in typical
multi-home stepfamilies, compared to intact biofamilies. They're caused
by the same things (above) plus two additional factors:
Reality Check
Option: discuss the items below with
your family adults and kids to promote role and rule clarity and reduce role conflict and
strain. T = true, F = false, and ? =
"I'm not sure" or "it depends on..."
I can clearly
describe to an average teenager what a family (a) role and
(b) rule is, and (c) how our family roles and
rules relate to each other. (T F ?)
Each adult in my
family is clear enough on these three things now. (T F ?)
The roles and rules in our
family are being
defined and negotiated over time
among us all. (T F ?)
All our adults and
kids agree on (a)
to our
family now, and (b) who leads us (makes key group decisions). (T F ?)
Each of our family
adults can describe and explain (b) the [wounds + unawareness] cycle,
(b) its typical effects, and (c) how to evaluate whether the cycle is
stressing our family now. (T F ?)
All our adults
know (a) what a family
is,
(b) why they're valuable to us all, and (c) how to
make and implement one that works.
(T F ?)
We family adults are...
-
intentionally teaching our kids and key others about family roles,
rules, consequen-ces, values conflicts, loyalty conflicts, and
relationship triangles now, and...
-
we're patiently modeling
(demonstrating) how to identify and
each of these effectively to the kids, over time (T
F ?)
No-one in our family
is significantly (a) confused or upset about their current roles or (b) strained by
their multiple roles. (T F ?)
Our family adults are clear on...
-
who
makes the rules and consequences in each of our homes;
-
how our
prior-family rules and consequences are best combined,
-
how new ones
are defined and implemented; and...
-
how to amend ineffective or
conflictual family rules and/or consequences. (T F ?)
My
true Self (capital "S") is
to these items now, so there's little chance my answers
are significantly
(T F ?)
Bottom line: because typical divorcing families and stepfamilies are significantly more
complex, confusing, and conflictual than healthy, intact biofamilies, it's vital
that their co-parents and supporters are
of these basics about the roles, rules, and consequences that govern their
relationships and the
of their related homes.
Recap
All social groups exist to fill
members' various needs. One universal need is for order and harmony -
i.e. security. To gain those, all kids and adults evolve group roles
(which group member is responsible for what?) and related rules (how
should members perform their roles?).
Roles and rules can be a significant
source of confusion and conflict in low-nurturance, trauma-recovery, and
complex systems like typical divorcing and step families.
This article...
-
offers perspectives on family roles, rules, and
consequences;
-
describes common surface and primary
problems with them; and.
-
offers links to resources for preventing or
resolving these problems.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
<<
Prior page /
Add to favorites /
Print page /
Email this article's address
>>
