Enjoyable sex requires being fully in the
physical/emotional moment. Alternatives are being "in your head," numb, and/or
distracted. Significant physical discomfort (fatigue, hunger, pain,...) and/or
sub-selves' excessive distrusts and fear of emotional
can make spontaneously being "in the mo-ment" impossible until in real (vs. pseudo)
For more perspective, review this introduction
and these general symptoms of
false-self dominance.
And it's
also probable that…
2)
you
two can’t communicate
with (a) yourself (clear
and/or with (b) your
mate about your sexual needs, limits, pleasures, fantasies, anxieties, and conflicts.
Typical symptoms:
-
avoiding sex or “sex talk,”
-
bickering, arguing, debating,
blaming, or fighting "about sex," vs. win-win problem-solving;
-
controlling and/or manipulating your
partner, and denying or justifying that;
-
criticizing, blaming, and name-calling
yourself or your partner;
-
withholding something,
and/or withdrawing emotionally or physically,
-
punishing (“You’re sleeping on the
couch tonight”); and/or...
-
chronic
(a) anger and resentment at,
(b) fear of, and/or (c) disrespect (scorn) of, your mate's
sexual attitudes, priorities, and/or behaviors.
This communication (vs. sexual) problem is a
mix of
+
psychological
+
+ ignorance of effective
and (b)
relationship basics.
Review these common communication
blocks and
tips for more
insights and options.
And one or both of you...
3)
may have
(a) distorted information and (b) unrealistic expectations about healthy sexual beliefs,
realities, and norms (We must climax at the same time, every time!”)
The challenge here is learning what you need to know, and "unlearning" toxic
ideas. And/or either of you
may be...
4)
be denying
(a) a chemical
which
inhibits sexual responses, and/or that (b) your mate may be a
(relationship addict). If
so, the primary problems are (again) significant false-self wounding + ineffective thinking and problem-solving
+
of
these and/or what to do about them. And perhaps one or both of you...
5) has a treatable
medical condition, and you’re (a) denying that and/or what it means, or
(b)
you're avoiding appropriate treatment. Both of these usually indicate
significant false-self dominance (#1 above).
And/or one or both of you
may have...
6)
made unwise courtship
choices - committing to the wrong
for the wrong
at the wrong
This can cause
a range of interactive secondary problems, sexual and otherwise.
The bad news: these primary problems can combine with other surface
to feel
overwhelming. The good news:
once you’re aware of your mix of problems (your unfilled needs), you mates can help each other
prioritize and
them a few at a time, over time. By reading this
article, you’ve already begun!
Options
Start by honestly confronting
your attitudes: if you each feel "This is
our (sexual) problem,"
then green light. One implication of this core attitude: "To solve our
problem, both of us will have to
want to
some important things."
Reluc-tance to act on this attitude suggests a well-meaning
false self is running your life.
As with
all the relationship
stressors in this
series,
the most potent option you have is to work
at
together:
for false-self wounds, and help each other evolve and work
effective
wound-
plans, over
time. See the related guidebook
Who’s
Really Running Your Life? (Xlibris.com, 2nd ed. 2002),
Second, give high
to helping each other
develop the seven communication
in
This will help you each
raise your
and
your primary intimacy needs,
empathically, discuss
you talk about sex, and
your sexual need-conflicts.
Also (a) upgrade your mutual strategies to handle these
three common stressors, and check the
priority that each of you assigns to your relationship. If it's lower than
discuss why - and what that means about consistently satisfying your
together..
Two early benefits from Project 2 are helping each other to (a) identify, separate, and
rank concur-rent problems, and to (b) stay focused on resolving one or a few at a time. Popular alternatives are being overwhelmed, giving
up, and defocusing (“riding off in all directions.”)
Read and discuss how to
to
identify your
needs. Then
adopt a
attitude, and use the other six skills and this
framework to fill them
together.
A
third solution-option is
to evaluate your emotional and spiritual
intimacies with (a) yourselves (trust among your
subselves) and with (b) each other. With stable self and mutual
trust,
genuine (vs. pseudo) sensual and sexual satisfactions are much more likely. Do
you agree? Part of this evaluation is looking honestly at your joint
motivation to make undistracted time to share
common interests with each other.
Fourth,
expand your
sexual knowledge and vocabulary. Read one or more of the many sexual
self-help books available now out loud to each
other. Help each other
appreciate
in your
desires, attitudes, and priorities. More knowledge will make your expectations
more realistic, expand your options, and grow your sexual vocabulary. There
are many helpful sources of information on the Web - e.g.
SexualHealth.com.
Fifth,
intentionally identify and reduce any other significant relationship
problems you have (e.g. disrespect, resentments, frustration, anger,
hurt, loneliness, boredom, impatience, distrust, jealousy, etc.) one at a
time. Any of these can distract one or both of you from sexual enjoyment.
Use these Web resources to help you do
this together.
If these don't help enough,
hire a qualified sex therapist to help with specific problems.
Ideally, such a
will have training
in (a) communication
and if appropriate
(b) stepfamily basics,
as well as sexual health. Most mental health agencies, hospital outpatient
programs, and veteran therapists can recommend qualified local clinicians and programs.
Note: if a prospective consultant doesn't advocate working with you and
your partner, look elsewhere. If your partner balks at joint sexual
counseling, see if this applies.
Recap
This
article is one of a series on improving primary
relationships. It focuses on improving mate's sensual and sexual
satisfaction. This article’s key
premise is that common marital
"sexual problems" like
these are
really symptoms of up to six deeper problems. If partners (a)
ignore or minimize the surface problems, or (b) focus on them without
reducing the underlying causes, they risk decreasing marital satisfaction and
family
over time.
This
article offers (a) premises about marital sex, (b) a status check to help you
learn what you believe and know, and includes (c) common surface
complaints about mates' sexuality and
(d) factors that can decrease stepfamily mates' sexual harmony. The
article closes with a summary of (e) six primary problems for all couples,
and (f).outlines six options you can tailor to identify and resolve your mix
of primary relationship problems.
Two
key options are committing to
for
false-self wounds and
and
(build effective communication skills). These two underlie resolution
of all adult relationship problems.
Work at these options while intentionally balancing many other things
every day
Doing these as teammates vs.
individuals or adversaries, will nurture your selves, your relationship, and
your child/ren and unborn descendents in many ways, over time.
Note that
The Remarriage Book
- master common stressors together (Xlibris.com, 2002) integrates many
and other articles and
resources in this non-profit Web site.
+ + +
Pause and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you needed? if
so, what do you need to do next? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your wise
or
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