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http://sfhelp.org/basics/system.htm
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This is one of over 150 articles focused on
healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds +
unawareness]
and preventing
divorce. This introduction
describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways
to use its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so
the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage
and re/divorce notes that it may be a
stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a
multi-home nuclear stepfamily.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
|
This article explores (a) what is a system?; (b)
what is a family system?, and (c) how can typical
adults use family systems knowledge to help
solve role and relationship problems and build a high-nurturance family over time?
|
Should You Read This Article?
Premises:
One of five major
typical co-parents (like you?) face is
Co-parents are more likely to resolve their
family problems effectively if
they have basic knowledge of family systems and other topics. This is
like "the more you know about how
your computer software works, the easier it is to fix problems with it."
Do you agree that some families work
("function") better
than others? This site proposes that all families (like yours) exist to
(a) nurture
their members (fill their current and long-term
needs), and (b) contribute to their social and Natural environments.
families are usually comprised of
(unwounded, aware) people, who...
-
are clear
and harmonious on their purposes,
relationships, and
-
consistently
promote the health, growth, securities, and productivity of their members and other
people;
-
can usually
solve their personal and family problems (unfilled needs) effectively;
and who...
-
plan for
and effectively manage major family changes - like births, moves, marriages, divorces, deaths, health
problems, environmental events, and so on.
The women and men who manage
high-nurturance families probably don't need to know much about their family
systems because their family "works well
enough." However, our tragic, unremarked divorce epidemic suggests that most American families
don't
function very well.
That epidemic and the sobering array of our major social problems
(e.g. obesity, homelessness, welfare caseloads, addictions,
crime,
depression, "mental illness," etc.) suggest that most Americans were raised in
and re-create low-nurturance families.
This seems to be specially true of typical U.S. stepfamilies - specially those following one
or more co-parent
rather than
a spouse's death. Because typical
families and
stepfamilies are often stressed by many role, relationship, and resource
problems, their co-parents can
problem-solve better if they have basic knowledge of family systems.
Co-parents that lack this and related
knowledge must hire expensive counselors to help identify and resolve their
problems. American
"mental-health" professions flourish because of our society's widespread ignorance of
personal, relationship, parental, and family-system basics.
Reality check: have you ever wondered how nurturing
("functional") your birth family or present family are? Invest time in
studying these traits to form an opinion. For
a second opinion,
yourself and your partner for false-self
Such wounds are sure indicators of a low-nurturance
|
Bottom line: if you and any partner (a) were clearly raised
in high-nurturance families, and (b) if you each work, study, or
participate in high-nurturance organizations, you probably don't need the ideas in this
article. Otherwise, read on. |
Before continuing, pause and say your definition of "a system." out
loud. Then compare your definition with this:
What is a
System?
Across millennia
and cultures, the human curiosity to discover "how things work" has
led to the awareness that all things in the universe belong to a mosaic of inter-related
systems.
Any system - like your liver,
vehicle, family, neighborhood, church, and galaxy - is
composed of...
a group of
elements
(like atoms in a molecule, organs in your body, members of a family, or
citizens of a country), which interact over time according to...
a
set of Natural and
human
like gravity, magnetism, chemistry, instincts, shoulds, oughts, musts, and
legal codes. And all systems have...
a physical or
invisible
(e.g. your skin, clothes, your dwelling walls, and your bubble of "personal
space") that separates the elements and their rules from...
other systems, which comprise
their environment - like
other persons, families, communities, religions, cultures,
ecospheres, and galaxies.
The combination of these factors determine a
system's structure and its properties.
Most (all?) systems
and subsystems...
are composed of smaller
subsystems - e.g. as the universe is a system of galaxies, each of
which are ultimately composed of atomic subsystems composed of sub-atomic
particles. Your body is a stunningly intricate
system of systems (a
metasystem);
are
elements in one or more larger systems,
as each of your relatives'
homes is an element in your larger
and any system...
may be
physical (like your heart), or invisible like the systems of ideas
comprising a philosophy,
policy,
or religion. This Web site is composed of subsystems of invisible ideas
comprising a system of Web articles, transmitted to your eye by a stunning
array of man-made and Natural systems that operate (thankfully) well beyond your knowledge or
comprehension; and all systems...
persistently seek a state of internal and
environmental balance. If some energy or event
unbalances ("upsets") one or more elements, the rules that govern the system will
automatically activate to restore "stability" (dynamic balance) to all elements.
Gravity is a familiar daily example: pick up an object and release it, and
it falls to rest on a surface where it "doesn't move."
All infants, kids, and adults unconsciously try to balance their bodies and
relationships to "feel good enough" now.
Physical and psychological
are natural signs that something is out of balance.
Typical families unconsciously appoint one or several members to keep their
home and
family systems balanced ("happy") as personal and environmental
changes constantly occur.
Co-parent
in this site provides practical options for maintaining balance within
and between your skins, relationships, stepfamily homes, and environments.
And all systems and subsystems, like your body, family, and culture...
constantly
change,
over time:
the environment constantly shifts, so...
the rules (dynamics) change, and...
the number and type of
subsystems or
elements change, and...
the boundaries and
consequences
may change, and...
the speed with which
the system restabilizes or decays can
change.
Like other Earthly life forms, we humans
(i.e. our diligent
cease-lessly strive to keep
all the systems inside and around us from changing too fast for us to
adapt to and restabilize.
When we can't, we
(a) feel "overwhelmed," "lose it," and "break down," and (b)
(distract), repress, divorce, get sick,
"go crazy," grow, or die. And finally, systems...
have traits or "properties"
- characteristics that differentiate one system from another. For
instance, some systems are more balanced and stable, and others are seldom
in balance. Some rigid systems resist change, others change quickly as their
elements increase or the environment shifts.
Some systems are geographically
stationary (like an apple tree), others are mobile (like a buffalo herd).
Often, adults unconsciously reproduce key traits of their childhood family
system when they co-habit and conceive or adopt kids of their own. Are you
doing that?
These are
the basic elements of any system, from molecules to families to galaxies.
The names of these elements provide a useful vocabulary your family adults
can use to evaluate and adjust your family system (problem-solve).
Would you
agree now that the concept of "systems" is pretty simple?
Let's put it to work now...
About Family
Systems
Let's define a
family as "two or more people who (a) may share ancestral
genes and/or (b) choose or endure an ongoing relationship because of bonds,
laws (e.g. marriage and estate plans), mutual primary needs, and/or common
interests." How does that compare with your definition?
In identifying
and resolving "family problems,"
it's useful to know the difference between nuclear families (parents
and dependent children) and
multi-generational ("extended") families - parents, children and all
genetic and legal relatives.
can include all people and pets residing in one, two, or three co-parenting
homes.
combine all relatives in three or more biofamilies. They can have over a
hundred members in many scattered homes.
The elements that comprise
any family system - like yours - are people + relationships + roles + rules
+ boundaries + properties:
-
people:
all living and dead embryos, infants, adults and children who
significantly affect each living family-member's
(in someone's opinion) are elements of the system. Each person is a system of interactive subsystems:
their...
-
physical body, composed of many subsystems (e.g.
organs, nervous system, circulatory system, etc); and
their...
-
which is a complex system of
with a dynamic mosaic of values, goals, talents, limitations, rules,
and boundaries; and their...
-
spirit, soul, essence, and (many believe) a Higher
Self.
Each person in
your family system ranges from wholistically unhealthy to healthy, now
and over time. Family
is directly proportional to how healthy and knowledgeable each family
leader is. If you're not sure who
leads
your home and family now, use this
technique to find out.
-
relationships:
a relationship exists between two family members if the values, goals,
beliefs, behaviors, and/or genes of either person significantly affects
the ongoing needs,
and growth of the other person, in someone's opinion. Do you agree? Each
relationship can range between "highly nurturing" (need fulfilling) and
toxic (need-amplifying or blocking), over time.
Relationships
create family systems, and bind (most)
families together. Relationships range from weak to intense, nurturing
to toxic, and "one-sided" to mutual, depending on each partner's
personality, primary needs, and
To form a
genuine (vs. pseudo) relationship, each partner needs to be able to
with other living things.
Some
severely
people - including parents - are unable to bond, until they
choose to make
major progress at personal
Their relationships are often superficial, intellectual, phony, r "dutiful,"
rather than genuinely caring. Do you know anyone like that?
All human
relationships are governed by (a) the roles of each person, and (b) the
behavioral rules that they agree on or have imposed on them by others. Because
typical stepfamilies are formed by merging
multi-generational biofamilies, the
of possible "family relationships" is often mind-boggling.
Another
component of any family system is...
-
roles: all families
exist to
- i.e. to help each member fill local and long-term
As they
evolve, all families try to
fill their shared needs for order and security by evolving expectations
of which members are responsible for filling whose needs, when, and how.
Family adults may automatically adopt ancestral and cultural role
definitions, or - as in a stepfamily - invent their own(roles) over time.
Family roles usually come in
pairs: mate-mate, parent-child, aunt-niece, brother-sister, etc.
In assessing a family system's functioning, clinicians may find it
useful to define a marital couple (or divorced parents) as one
subsystem, siblings as another, and so on. Most co-parents don't need
this level of detail.
Typical stepfamilies have to
and stabilize
sets of prior intact or divorced-biofamily roles (mother, niece,
uncle, sister, great-grandfather,...), and invent and agree on up to
with little or no experience or informed advice.
The merger
usually starts when a divorced or widowed parent starts dating, or cohabits with a
new partner (and perhaps their custodial child/ren.) This unavoidable
merger is often complicated by rules differing significantly between
divorced bioparents' homes.
Another vital element of all family systems are...
-
rules and consequences: to promote order
(security), all person and
groups evolve (a) rules (shoulds, have to's, musts, ought to's,
can/nots...) and (b) consequences, to regulate their
relationships, roles, lives, and environment. Some rules are universal
("always eat healthy food"), and some are situational (how to celebrate
births, weddings,
Thanksgiving, retirements, graduations, or birthdays).
Family members may (a) agree and follow common rules and consequences,
or (b) dispute one or more (e.g.
like eating, grooming, and social "manners," and child discipline and
consequences).
All stepfamily
adults and kids must (a) merge and stabilize three or more prior
(biofamily) sets of rules, and (b) negotiate and stabilize many new
rules to fit their new stepfamily roles and biofamily-merger tasks.
Typical stepfamily adults and supporters are not aware of this complex
process, which can make it harder to problem-solve and maintain balance
in and between their homes.
Another
universal
family-system element is...
-
boundaries. These
(a) separate systems and subsystems from each other, (b) regulate
members' comfort and safety levels, (c) provide a focus for
problem-assessment and resolution, and may (d) protect system
elements from upsetting influences.
Family-system boundaries are
physical (like walls and doors)
and invisible (like
adults' and kids' personal privacies and tolerances for various things).
Invisible
(psychological) boundaries range from rigid and impenetrable to porous
and flexible to non-existent. From tradition and co-parent
personalities, (step)family boundaries range from "open" to new ideas,
people, and values to "closed" ("We do not discuss our family
business with anyone else!"). "Open" biofamilies have the fewest
problems
to form a stable multi-generational stepfamily.
Pairs of
family members who are
or
have weak or no boundaries with each other - which is a sure sign of
significant false-self
So
is significant social isolation, where a person, subsystem, household,
or nuclear family enforces rigid boundaries to keep people "out" or
"in." ("Muriel won't allow her daughter to invite friends into
their home.")
The way family
members (a) define and (b) enforce their personal and social
boundaries in calm and conflictual times is one of any family's...
adult members' individual and
combined
the family's overall
- the demonstrated ability for adults to consistently fill
their and other members'
well enough in healthy ways;
family adults' key
attitudes,
values, and
-
including
and religious practices, and who determines these;
the family's
structure (functional to
dysfunctional), and degrees of bonding (weak to strong) and
(consistent harmony to chaos, and work, play, and rest);
family members' styles of communicating
(ineffective to effective),
(idealistic to realistic),
child-raising
to
and managing major
changes;
the family's (a)
knowledge of, (b)
about, and (c)
helping each other recognize and
significant
the family's
access to and use of,
appropriate local and media
in calm and conflictual times, and...
developmental stage
(early, mid-range, or mature; and stuck to evolving normally), and
recent growth trend (growing and thriving to dis-integrating).
There are many other family-system properties, but these
are ones typical co-parents can use together. For more perspective, see
this useful
Web site
We've just reviewed the key
components of a family (human) system: people, relationships, roles,
rules, boundaries, and selected properties. Could you have described these
before you began reading? What percentage of typical family adults do you
think could describe them - or are motivated to learn about them relative to
their own family?
Continue with options for
using these family-system concepts to avoid or
reduce family problems...
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