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This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological
building
family relationships, breaking the [wounds + unawareness]
and preventing divorce.
This introduction describes the Web site's
purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part
of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you
read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
+ + +
For helpful perspective, read this overview
article and then this real-life example
before continuing.
In 1968, Dr. Steven Karpmann proposed an idea he called the "Persecutor -
Victim - Rescuer (PVR) Drama Triangle." Clinician-authors Murray Bowen, Eric Berne, and Claude Steiner
popularized that by alerting students and clients to a stressful relationship dynamic called
triangling. This
unconscious social dynamic usually results in
everyone involved feeling anxious, conflicted, and frustrated.
|
Once
co-parents learn to be
of their
inner-family and physical-family triangles and their effects,
and learn to use the other
they (you) get more needs met more often, and feel better together.
Avoiding or spotting and dissolving P-V-R triangles is a key part of
patiently growing high-nurturance relationships.
|
This two-page article is one of a series on co-parent
(of
- merge your several biofamilies over many years, and prevent or resolve lots of problems
along the way. This page describes relationship triangles in general, and
why they're usually a problem. The next page discusses
stepfamily
P-V-R triangles and options for avoiding and resolving them.
What Is "Triangling"?
This common
dynamic involves three people and three roles, like parts in a
play. One person unconsciously chooses the role of the
Persecutor
("P"). S/He blames, disrespects, or criticizes the
Victim
("V") for something, causing the
Rescuer ("R") to
defend the Victim. Each role may be played by an adult or a child. In a household or
family, each person can switch back and forth between these roles with different
situations and different people. Usually, people aren't aware they're doing this.
If
they are, they don't know how to not do it.
Triangling looks and sounds like this:
The Persecutor
P (say a stepparent) scowls and says sarcastically to
Victim
(e.g. a stepchild) "Boy, you have the brains of a doorknob. How many times do I have
to tell you to pick up your toys, so people don't fall over them or step on and wreck them? You're completely hopeless!"
V may whimper and cower, glare, or
talk back defiantly. Either way, Victim feels guilty, ashamed, and anxious - and maybe mad
at themselves and/or the person in the Persecutor role. They may
whine and glance
pitifully at...
The
Rescuer (often their bioparent), who observes this interaction and feels empathic and
protective of the helpless Victim. So Rescuer may glower at P and say something to
V like "Honey, I'll help you pick up your toys now. Let me get you a snack."
The
Persecutor-role person may feel mildly or majorly resentful that R (their "partner")
seems to be siding with V, rather than supporting them ["You know, Hon, (P)'s right -
you should be more careful and considerate."]
Ever
played these roles? Unless co-parents help each other avoid them, every (step)family is
riddled
with stressful, overlapping triangles in and between their homes. Unresolved, they
promote toxic stepfamily
- which
are probably the most common
reasons for U.S.
stepfamily stress and
What's Wrong with Triangles?
A lot! They hinder healthy relationships and harmony, which chokes
(step)family bonding and can contribute to eventual emotional or legal re/divorce. Here's why...
Every
moment, every child and adult (like you) needs to feel comfortable enough.
Three universal comfort factors are feeling respected,
safe, and satisfied enough. We communicate internally
("thinking") and with other people to get and keep these comforts now.
Triangles
block at least the first two of these in order
to try to satisfy some other current needs.
There is a way to communicate
that usually grows all three comfort factors for everyone. Stay tuned!
Any
perceived verbal and nonverbal behavior that causes
some change in another person is "communication." One thing we all
unconsciously decode from each other all the time can be called an
We constantly evaluate whether those around us
seem to respect our feelings, needs, ideas, and dignity
enough.
Do you agree?
When others' behavior sends us an R-message that we decode as a
"put-down" (criticism, indifference, scorn, or rejection), kids and adults alike feel hurt, guilt, angry, defensive,
anxious, and maybe
ashamed. These hardly build healthy relationships, specially if they happen over and
over!
Triangles
always involve one or more of the three players appearing
to feel "1-up" - like "My ideas, values, needs are better
than and/or more important to me than yours, right now." In the
example above, the Victim receives a hurtful "You're 1-down" R-message from the
"1-up" Persecutor. This upsets the Rescuer, who automatically soothes
the poor Victim - specially if the Victim can't
("stand up for")
themselves effectively.
This
soothing may seem to Persecutor as a "You're 1-down" R-message. S/He
may feel unconsciously "You're actions say that
with
Victim's needs and feelings right now than with mine. That hurts!"
Like lightning, the Persecutor has now taken on the Victim role. If someone else is in the
room (or across town), they may Rescue the new "Victim," starting a new wave of
triangling communications. Whether there is or isn't a new Rescuer on hand...
The one in the Persecutor role commonly may attack Rescuer ["How
come you always protect your kid (instead of supporting me). What am I -
chopped liver?"]. S/He may also withdraw
emotionally and/or physically, to sulk - maybe feeling guilty,
confused, and frustrated.
Depending on many things, Rescuer may now feel criticized, misunderstood,
disrespected
(1-down) and hurt; and/or ignored,
(by Persecutor), and
abandoned.
Either
way, they now feel like the Victim! Meanwhile, the original Victim may feel some
mix of relief, power and guilt ("I made them fight"), and
anxiety ("Oh no - everybody's mad now.")
All
this took about 10 seconds to happen. The feelings from this and similar
triangling incidents may last for hours or days. This is specially true for
and
of
childhoods who aren't yet in meaningful personal
In my
27-year clinical experience, this includes most single and re/married co-parents.
Bottom
line: though this seems like a simple three-way incident, it isn't. It
unintentionally promoted all three people feeling "upset" (hurt, anxious,
frustrated, guilty, irritated, and maybe ashamed), and a little less safe in
their relationships and home.
If this relationship triangling continues for months and
years without the adults deciding to change it, what do you suppose will happen to each
person's self esteem, respect and trust for the others, and relationship
"happiness"?
Nothing good...
Continue
by learning more about relationship-triangles and what to do about them.
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