Typical stepfamilies are formed through the complex merger of three or more
co-parents' multi-generational biofamilies. This multi-year merger process
requires members of all involved families to combine and stabilize up to
at once - usually with little prior experience or social norms to guide
them. This process guarantees significant conflicts in and between
the many related homes.
Internal and
outer triangles cause or result from concurrent family
and
conflicts, which are
common in new and/or low-nurturance
stepfamilies. So family
adults do best if they develop effective strategies to spot and resolve
all three of these stressors.
Typical new stepfamilies are confused about their
names,
and
to their new family. Arguments about these can foster all three stressors
that intact biofamilies don't face.
Stepsiblings
form their own complex triangles all the time in and between their
two homes. Be-cause of bioparental love and
stepparent duty and desire to help, these kid-kid-kid triangles invite the co-parents to
take sides - which often generates inter and intra-home triangles and
loyalty ((priority) conflicts among
everyone if adults aren't (a) guided by
their true Selves and (b) aware of these dynamics and what to do about them.
Human-service professionals like clergy, lawyers, mediators,
coaches, teachers, clinicians,
case workers, and doctors
may unintentionally amplify existing triangles, and/or cause new ones. For
exam-ple, a teacher or counselor with no stepfamily
training may imply or
say to a bewildered student that their stepparent doesn't need to be obeyed
like a "real parent." That unintentionally aggravates the child's
triangling, which will
probably escalate
the triangles at home. Well-meaning
relatives and friends with little stepfamily
can cause the same thing.
People don't have to be physically present
to take a triangle role. An unmourned parent or mate, a child
asleep upstairs, or a relative across town or a thousand miles away, can animate
relationship triang-les through memories, anniversaries, mementos, holiday associations,
e-mails, phone calls, and silen-ces.
A dead
or living fetus or infant can be a full triangle role-holder,
usually the Victim. The two other role holders (or more
accurately, some of their inner-family members) will feel and act for the fetus
or infant.
Sometimes
a group can fill one of
more of the three triangle roles - usually the Persecutor. For instance "Your
whole family (or 'everyone at church') disapproves of my nose ring." can set off
Victim -Rescuer fireworks.
Bottom line - the complex nature of normal stepfamily systems ensures
that members will experi-ence more of the
three stressors more often than peers in intact biofamilies. So it's
specially important for stepfamily adults and their supporters be aware of
the stressors, and know how to prevent
them and what to do about them.
Recap
The universal
social dynamic called
relationship triangles
significantly stresses adults and kids. Tri-angling occurs
when three people - or three personality subselves - unconsciously adopt the
situational or chronic roles of Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer.
Triangles are symptoms of
dominance
(wounds),
and adults' and kids'
unawareness of
inner families + triangle dynamics + effective communication skills. All of
these can be improved!
This article describes triangles and why they're harmful; and illustrates their
dynamics among peo-ple and subselves, The article provides specific suggestions on
avoiding or dissolving triangles, and gives a brief example. Then it
closes with brief perspective on stepfamily triangles.
Helping each other form effective strategies to identify and manage
triangles, values conflicts, and loyalty (priority) conflicts holds major
benefits in any relationship and family. See this article
for more
perspective and options.
Note that effective strategies depend on
family adults (a) usually being
by their
and (b) helping each other to intentionally learn and use the seven
effective communication
in Project 2.
Are your people doing those yet?
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you
get what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
true Self
or
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http://sfhelp.org/basics/triangles.htm