Premises - typical kids raised in a low-nurturance environment
by evolving a personality composed of many specialized
or parts. This usually results in two to six
psychological
which hinder healthy development and social functioning.
The
of these wounds range from minor to severe. Divorce is a sign of significant
[wounding + unawareness] - and over 50% (i.e. mil-ions) of typical U.S. couples
divorce legally or psychologically.
Contents
This two-page article offers perspective and options for
relating to a
significantly-wounded adult or child. It covers...
-
required readings
-
perspective on...
-
six common psychological wounds
-
four typical
wound-effects
-
how to tell if someone is "significantly
wounded"
-
a status check on
your understanding
-
reasons to change
your attitudes about and responses to wounded people;
-
four general options for reacting
to a significantly-wounded person;
-
examples of each
major option; and...
-
response-options for
five special relationships.
If you're curious or skeptical about your personality subselves, get undistracted and read
this letter to you. Then try this safe,
interesting experience. If you're still
you may be dominated by a well-meaning
Foundations
This article assumes you're
familiar with these ideas...
Perspective
Let's set the stage by briefly exploring the six psychological wounds, their
effects, and their common symptoms.
About
Psychological Wounds
My experience as a
therapist
with over 1,000 average Midwestern-U.S. adults sug-gests that over ~75% of
typical U.S. men and women have
significant childhood
and
("trauma"). The high majority of
them don't (want to) know this or what it
to them and their descendents.
One universal meaning is that to survive, typical
kids instinctively evolve a multi-talented
This inhibits the development of the resident true Self, and causes up to
five interactive psychological conditions ("wounds"):
excessive...
-
("low self esteem") and
-
of the unknown, abandonment, failure, overwhelm, pain, and success;
-
-
like denying, repressing, idealizing, exaggerating, minimizing, catastrophizing,
rationalizing, intellectualizing, projecting, discounting, and numbing;
and...
-
trusting other people too easily and
getting repeatedly betrayed; or chronically
yourself, reliable other people, and a benign
And some trauma-survivors suffer...
-
an
inability to
with (care about) some or all living things, and be unable to feel,
give, and receive love. The
clinical label for this tragic condition is
Reactive
Attachment Disorder (RAD).
|
Once adults
and
honestly admit their wounds,
they can choose to
them.
Over time, this can significantly improve their health and relationships,
and help to protect their descen-dents and
other people from
the epidemic [wounds + unawareness]
|
Typical Wound Effects
Typical Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) are
of (a) several key
and (b) a dominant
so they...
-
have chronic trouble
filling
and
thinking,
and
effectively;
and they...
-
risk making up to three unwise
and later divorcing legally or psychologically. And typical GWCs...
-
may have trouble admitting and grieving
(broken bonds) and promoting a
family;
-
risk
the toxic [wounds +
unawareness] cycle to their vulnerable descendents; and...
-
suffer chronic health and emotional
problems, and may
die prematurely.
To make this more real, study this real-life
example of how these combined
false-self wounds can affect family
relationships.
Wound
Symptoms
Though personalities and backgrounds are unique, people often ruled by a
protective false self have common behavioral and emotional traits. For a quick assessment,
see this comparison of common true-Self and false-self behaviors, and
these common
Use the latter as a quick check to
sense who's guiding your subselves at any time - like right
now.
Because childhoods aren't "perfect," most (all?) adults and kids have some
wounding. Generally, wounds are significant if
they cause chronic
unhappiness, and ill health - in
someone's opinion. False selves will usually minimize and rationalize these
problems until the person hits
and breaks protective denials - often in mid-life.
Because typical false selves are apprehensive about being identified, they
can cleverly disguise and discount behavioral wound-symptoms.
In assessing
yourself for significant wounds, guard against this distortion by using all
12 of these Project-1 worksheets
- ideally with clear feedback from people who know you well and will be
honest with you.
When you assess someone, stay aware that we wounded people regard our
(toxic) traits, attitudes, and behaviors as normal. Before effective
wound-reduction ("recovery"), we GWCs can't imagine what it would feel like
to have our wise true Self (capital "S") consistently
of subselves.
Status Check
See how you feel about the ideas
you just read. T = true, F = false, and “?” means “I don’t know” or "I'm not
sure."
-
I can clearly describe
(a) personality subselves, (b) true Self and
false selves, and (c)
psychologi-cal wounds, to another adult now.
(T F ?)
-
I accept that all adults
and kids have teams of normal personality
without
being "crazy," "defective," "psycho," or "mentally
ill." (T F ?)
-
I know how to
(a) identify my
subselves
and (b) how to
them
- or I'm motivated to learn these now. (T F ?)
-
I (a)
can define "nurturance," and I agree that any family (like ours) can be
rated “very low nurtur-ance” to “very high nurturance;” and (b) I have studied
the traits that determine the
of
any home. (T F ?)
-
The adults who raised me didn't know these ideas or what they meant. (T F ?)
-
My
(capital "S") is answering these questions
- or if not, I know
(T F ?)
For more information, see
these Project-1 Web articles and worksheets
and the related
guidebook
Who's Really
Running Your Life? (Xlibris.com, 2002; 2nd ed.)
Why Change?
Relating well-enough with a significantly-wounded adult (GWC) or child can
be
hard - specially if you're wounded too. Typically, such relationships
are frustrating, conflictual, and studded with anxieties, guilts, hurts,
angers, distrust, disappointments, and disrespect.
If the wounded person is someone you live or work regularly with, you can't
avoid stressful inter-actions with them. A common least-effort response is denial
and/or repression, and
pretending "things are fine" - when they're not. The high cost of that
strategy is usually loss of self-respect.
Other common responses are endless arguments, confrontations, insults,
whining, pleading, threats, ultimatums, and attacks, and hoping fruitlessly
the other person will want to change. These lose-lose choices usually
result from ignorance and lack of awareness.
So the payoff for (a) recognizing
significantly-wounded people and (b) learning how to react to them is
notably less
frustration and upset, and more satisfaction, serenity, and self-respect.
If the wounded person is a member of your home and family, a major
motivation to learn is protecting your minor kids from inheriting similar
wounds, within local limits.
You may also care about a wounded person but seldom interact with them, like
the child or relative of a good friend. If you choose to intervene, your
motivation may be to be a "good person." In such cases, beware of...
-
offering help which isn't wanted or
requested, and...
-
taking responsibility for someone else's life
and pain.
Both are
inherently disrespectful, and rarely satisfy both person's primary needs for
long.
So if you choose to - or must - relate to a significantly-wounded adult or
child, what are your op-tions?
Prepare to Change
Therapists Steve and Carol Lankton wisely suggest "If you always do
what you've always done - you'll always get what you've always got." This
implies that to manage your relationship with significant-ly-wounded people
effectively,
you must want to change some familiar attitudes and comfortable
behav-iors. The unpleasant reality is that your attitudes and actions may
unintentionally encourage some of the other person's noxious
behaviors.
Who Runs Your Life?
An essential first step is admitting that you may
often be dominated by a false self (wounded). Two common (false-self)
defenses are denial ("I'm not wounded!") and minimizing ("Nah,
my wounds are minor.") A third is "I've already healed my psychological
wounds well enough." A fourth non-strategy is thinking and saying
"Yeah, I'm pretty wounded." but not really meaning it or wanting to do
anything about it.
To assess
yourself for significant wounding, follow these steps honestly
- ideally with the help of one or more people who...
-
understand and accept personality subselves
and false-self wounds;
-
are usually guided by their true Self,
-
know you well, and...
-
will give you honest
feedback, even if painful.
If you don't know anyone like
this, consider hiring a veteran "parts
work" therapist.
When your Self is solidly guiding your life, the next preparation step is to
examine your attitude about irritating, frustrating, and obnoxious adults
and kids.
Convert Your Attitudes
A common reaction to people who cause us local or chronic discomfort - or
who don't act "like they should" (by our standards) - is to label
them bad, wrong, evil, insensitive, stupid, selfish, arrogant,
abu-sive, dishonest, dumb, childish, immature, pathetic, gross, worthless,
irresponsible, bitchy, idiotic, sleazy, low class, hopeless, retarded,
controlling, crude, manipulative, egotistical, unreliable, bigoted,
criminal, addicted, spacey, weak, a loser, failure, or wimp; etc.
Do you ever think or speak labels like these about people you dislike
and/or are offended by? If so, (a)
you're probably governed by a critical false self, and (b) the other
person probably senses your sub-selves' disrespectful
attitudes
whether you're vocal or silent. That will steadily provoke hurt, resen-tment,
hostility, defensiveness, distrust, anger, avoidances, and c/overt
counterattacks until you change.
Change to what?
|
When you're steadily guided by your true Self, an instinctive reaction to GWCs in denial ("ob-noxious people")
is compassion. That does not mean you must tolerate their
stressful behaviors or agree with their values and opinions. It means
you regard their needs, personal
rights, and human dignity (worth) as being as valid
as your own.
|
Try this out now. Picture or think of an obnoxious adult or child,
and recall how you usually judge their behaviors, attitudes, or traits. Now
picture this person as being swathed with bloody bandages,
hobbling painfully with a heavy leg-cast and crutches.
Try saying "(Name) is really
wounded. S/He didn't cause
the wounds, and doesn't know what to do about them." Do any of
your inner voices (subselves) balk at this compassionate point of view?
("Yes, but...") If
so, try to identify who they are, and interview them one at a time to
find out why they object to compassion. Reassure them it does not mean you
have to endure a wounded person's unpleasant traits or behaviors, and then
demonstrate this...
Response Options
Keep your favorite obnoxious person in mind as you read this...
Four basic options with any wounded adult and child are (a) scorn, judge,
and complain about them; (b) repress your feelings and needs (choose a
victim or martyr role); (c) compassionately
tolerate them within local limits, or (d) identify and respectfully assert
your needs with them. Which is your preferred strategy so far?
The last
strategy requires that you first...
Identify Your Primary Needs
Focus on the GWC and identify objectively what bothers you about
them. Three possibilities are some...
-
attitudes and values (e.g. approving of
abortion, same-sex marriage, bigotry, fraud,...).
-
personality and/or physical traits, and/or
some...
-
specific habits, mannerisms, and behaviors
like cracking their knuckles, smoking, talking loudly, interrupting you,
or chewing with their mouth open.
You can seek change in some of
these, but not all of them. Once you define your needs, then...
Choose Your Response
You can't affect any physical factors like an annoying voice
tone, cough, or laugh. You may get the wounded
person to change some attitudes or traits by describing personality subselves and wound-recovery, and suggesting s/he'd
be happier if s/he empowered her/his true Self to take
charge. If you're empowering your Self to lead, you may describe that
process and your results so far.
If a GWC isn't ready to hit bottom and reorganize her/his personality, use these wise
and settle for "planting the idea" of false-self wounds and recovery. You can also respectfully
inform the person how their traits affect you and your relationship,
without asking for change.
You may be able to assert and motivate the wounded person to change some irritating or
frustrating behaviors. Your odds are best if
your and the other person's true Selves are steadily guiding you each.
Examples
To make these response-options more real, let's illustrate them...
Plant "Seeds"
Here, "planting seeds" means watching for chances to objectively explain
personality subselves, true and false selves, wounds, and wound-recovery;
and then letting go of trying to control the wounded person's
reaction to these ideas. Before
"planting," review these ideas about offering
respectful feedback to other people.
Normal first-reactions to these ideas are disbelief, skepticism, rejection,
and sometimes scorn ("That's just New Age psychobabble!"). Another common
(false-self) response is acknowledging the credibility of these ideas
("Yeah, that makes sense, but..."), and vehemently denying that they apply
to the person or their family.
If you choose to plant these
seeds, expect "resistance" - arguments, discounting, indifference,
sus-picion, etc... Be alert for (a) preaching, (b) threatening ["If you
don't reduce your wounds (some awful thing will happen)]"; (c) using
logic to persuade the GWC to assess for wounds; (d) labeling the other
person, and (e) blaming them for not "taking responsible action."
These are all lose-lose choices.
|
Be specially alert
for feeling you must "save" the GWC. Assuming responsibility
for an able adult's life and pain is inherently disrespectful, and
may hinder them from needed healing and growth. Obsession with
saving a wounded, unaware person suggests false-self control and
relationship addic-tion
Excessive religious missionary zeal is a widespread example.
|
An exception to this is wanting to protect someone's child from serious
psychological wounds. See
this for three powerful prevention
options.
Whether you plant seeds or not, another option you have in relating to
"obnoxious' (wounded) adults and some kids is to...
Give Respectful Feedback
Some wounded adults and most kids aren't aware of, deny, minimize, or
justify - the
impacts of their irritating traits and behaviors. If they're
(which is common), they'll dodge responsibility for these impacts ("That's
not my fault!"). To maintain your self-respect and integrity, you can
offer a fac-tual description of how the person's attitudes, traits, or
behaviors affect you - without expecting them to agree or change.
To raise your odds of being heard clearly,
study this overview of effective
and the powerful tool of assertive
Using the latter might sound like...
"Are
you open to some feedback from me?" Be prepared for "No." If you
get a nod or "Yes," then say something like...
"Nisha, when you interrupt
me so often, I feel disrespected and frustrated, and I lose interest in
talking with you."
"Jake, when you choose to
swear often and talk so loudly, I feel distracted, and have trouble
hearing what you're trying to say."
"Marla, the perfume you wear
is so strong it distracts me from focusing on what we're talking about."
Imagine how you'd react if someone gave you feedback like this, calmly and
respectfully, with steady eye contact. Notice several things about these
two-part "I-message" examples: they...
-
describe specific GWC behavior and
specifically how it affects you;
-
are brief, clear, focused, and non-critical;
-
avoid apologizing, explaining, or
generalizing ("you always / never...");
-
factually describe how the GWC's trait or
behavior affects you; and they...
-
avoid sarcasm and judgmental labels; and...
-
omit
any request or demand for change.
The purpose of such factual feedback
is not to cause guilt or change. It is to (a) give the GWC
accurate information they might not get otherwise have, (b) leave them free
to use it as they wish, (c) set the stage for asserting respectful limits,
and (d) earn your own self-respect. It can also promote win-win
if you're both open to that as partners.
Continue
reviewing general and special options for reacting to significantly-wounded
people.
Do you need a break first?
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