Q&A about effective communication,
continued
Q13) What are the
five
types of conflict I can
experience, and how can I and my partner/s resolve each of them?
All kids and adults encounter five universal stressors, which are
each resolved differently:
Internal
conflicts -
among your personality's
Resolution requires...
-
awareness of
who comprises your
personality subselves,
-
your
to
your
dynamic subselves,
-
distraction-free times to meditate
and focus; and...
-
fluency in the seven Lesson-2
For
practical inner-conflict resolution options, see
this.
Conflicts of
, like priorities, morals, dignity and integrity, and preferences. Resolution can only be genuine mutual agreements to
disagree. The stressful alternative is to try and persuade the
other person to want to adopt your value.
conflicts of current
"I need peace and quiet, and you need to end your
boredom by (doing something noisy)." The Lesson-2 skills of
and
can disclose partners' local
primary needs.
conflicts over concrete
resources like money, appliances, vehicles, clothing,... These
conflicts are really about whose
surface and primary needs and values get priority;
and...
conflicts over current
-
e.g. you need to vent now, and I
need to cause action.
Resolving each type
of conflict requires partners
to have..
-
process awareness,
-
patience,
-
mutual respect,
and a two-person
-
their
in charge of their other subselves,
and to...
-
stay focused on one problem at
a time, and...
-
to use all seven communication
cooperatively.
Q14) What do most
people do instead of effective problem solving?
Because most of us weren't taught
effective-communication basics at home or
school, we're un-aware of ~ two dozen common ways
we
effective internal and social
communication. Instead of
win-win
problem-solving, most people fight or argue, postpone, withdraw
(flee), threaten, hint, repress, submit, numb out, lecture, explain,
interrogate, monolog, whine, joke, complain, defocus, and/or preach (see any
favorites?). Here's an example.
The good
news: once you're aware of these blocks, you can
(a) reduce and avoid them and (b) help each other build your communication
strengths over time.
top
Q15) What causes my "mind-racing or churning," and can I reduce it?
Mind-racing, chattering, or churning
refers to spontaneous episodes of kaleidoscopic,
unfocused thoughts, images, feelings, and memories. It's the opposite of
focused, logical thinking (reasoning), and is probably caused by several
(your
all communicating at once. This hap-pens when some active subselves don't trust your
to lead them.
Patiently
meeting and harmonizing distrustful subselves via "parts
work,"
can significantly reduce mind-churning and improve mental focusing over time. That raises your
problem-solving effectiveness!
Some kids and adults diagnosed with "Attention Deficit
Disorder"
and "Hyperactivity Dis-order" (HD) are probably really
suffering from a chaotic (leaderless)
Medication may
reduce behavioral symptoms, but won't cure
inner anarchy and chaos.
top
Q16) How can I learn more
about my non-verbal communication
habits?
You can learn more
by...
Studying this article on
awareness, and
practice what you learn;
and...
Using the concepts
of communication
and
to learn what's going on inside
and between you and important communication partners; and...
Learning the skill of
(talking about
communicating), practicing it, and teaching it
to interested partners. Then ask them to use it to describe your nonverbal
behaviors that help or hinder shared communication. Return the favor if they
wish. And you can...
Study and experiment with this framework for
giving effective verbal feedback, and
ask others to describe your nonverbal communication (behavioral) habits and
their effects.
top
Q17) What's an
"E(motion)-level,"
and how does it affect my communication effectiveness?
In this Web site, 'E-level"
describes the degree of emotional intensity in someone at some time (low to
high).
When someone's E-level rises "above their ears," s/he usually can't
hear, empathize, or focus well, or maintain a two-person
Our E-levels shift quickly,
depending on...
Patient, respectful
will usually drop a partner's E-level "below their ears" so they can hear
you again. Use the term E-level informationally vs. critically in
and
to improve your mutual communication
top
Q20) What's
the difference between a request and a
demand,
and why should I care?
A request
is a communication to which the sender can tolerate responses like "No,"
"Not now," "Not your way," and "I'm not sure."
A demand is a communication to which the only acceptable
respon-ses are "Yes" or something like "Let's negotiate and/or problem-solve."
Requests and
demands are types of normal
They work best (satisfy primary needs) if the sender has a genuine
mutual respect attitude.
That
depends on the sender having genuine self respect.
Use
to get clear on which of
these you're sending and/or receiving. Option - ask your
partner "Is that a request or a demand?"). If either partner is
ruled by a
perceived
demands usually
imply "I'm 1-up,"
causing
the receiver's
to rise and
degrade or block their hearing.
top
Q21) How can I become more confident
and skilled at
asking for what I need?
Four ways to grow more
effective at
your
with
any child or adult are...
doing
see if you're being
controlled by a
false-self, and evolve a personal
plan if you are;
evolve a
Bill of Personal Rights you can really believe in, and practice
acting on it. Accord other people
equal rights, and expect "resistance" as you become more self-assured;
and...
work toward a genuine
mutual-respect attitude
with each person in your
life. This often happens spontaneously if you choose to see vexing people
as
and
not
bad, stupid, dumb, selfish, deceitful, abusive, etc. Then...
-
Use
and
skills
to
discern your current
(vs.
surface) needs.
-
Study and practice
these communication
with special focus on growing your fluency with assertive
And...
-
Over time,
become an expert on spotting and avoiding these
communication blocks.
Q22)
What's the difference between
assertion and aggression?
Assertion is (a) being clear
about your rights as a dignified
(self-respecting) person, and (b) firmly requesting or demanding what you need now
while
respecting your and your partner's
dignity, worth, and current needs
equally. Effective
assertion has been described as the skill of saying what you mean
or need in a way that your partner can hear (vs. agree with) you
clearly.
Aggression is
demanding that your
partner satisfy your needs without regard to their current needs,
feelings, or dignity (implied R-message: "I'm 1-up
here.") Watch for
double messages - the words may sound respectful but aggressors' non-verbal
behaviors imply "My needs come first here."
top
Q27)
What
are communication sequences
and patterns, and why are they important?
A
communications
sequence is a
series of reciprocal events (e.g. I smile) and reactions (so do you) between
two or more
personality subselves or people - i.e. an action > reaction > reaction
chain...
Every sequence has a beginning event (Marla cleared her throat...), and
continues until someone designates an "ending" event (Jose walked
away / hung up / changed the subject / fell asleep...)
Three
common
types of sequences are
(a) conflict
resolution, (b) attack > defend > counterattack or withdraw, and (c) giving and receiving praise.
A communication
pattern is an
averaged set of sequences over time betwen two or more people or
subselves - e.g. "Here's the typical (action
> reaction) sequence you
and I follow when we discuss money (or whatever)." Identifying
important patterns as mutually-respectful partners (vs. opponents) can help
you (a) spot communication sequences
and
that need improving,
and (b) assess any changes.
Every sequence has an outcomre
- participants fill their current needs well enough or they
don't. When your and your partner's respective true Selves are
your
,
, and
skills and
the
communication tool of
can
illuminate your important inner and social sequences and patterns.
Q30) What is a
"Be spontaneous!" paradox,
and why do
they harm relationships?
Communicators can
unintentionally hurt valued relationships by
expecting, requesting, or deman-ding that
a partner give them something that can only be given spontaneously -
like trust, respect, love, interest, empathy,
enjoyment, patience, forgiveness, loyalty, and sexual desire.
These paradoxes are self-defeating communications.
Asking for or expecting these relationship prizes makes
it impossible for the receiver to give them; for if they try, the receiver
will probably discount it as being motivated by fear, duty, or guilt, rather
than spontaneous ("genuine"). An appropriate meta-comment is
"You're asking me to want to give
you some-thing that I can only give spontaneously."
top
Q31) What are my options with
an adult or child who won't tell me what
they think or feel?
Your partner...
-
may genuinely not know,
or...
-
be too
distracted to focus and disclose,
and/or s/he...
-
doesn't have the vocabulary to
express current thoughts, feelings, and needs well enough, and/or...
-
s/he feels uncomfortable
and doesn't want to hear her or his own description, and/or s/he...
-
doesn't feel safe disclosing
to you - in general, or right now.
You can only affect the last of these.
Options include (a) choosing a mutual-respect attitude, and
(b) using
to ask
your partner if there's
something you've done or are doing, that causes them to feel unsafe in
confiding in you. Then (c) use
empathic
to ensure you hear their response clearly,
and (d) decide if you want to change something.
If your partner is
or
s/he may
your reactions and judge you unsafe
- even though you're genuinely
interested in and accepting (uncritical) of their thoughts and feel-ings.
If
so, a helpful option is to give a respectful (vs. manipulative)
on how your partner's si-lence affects you
- e.g. "When you need to
withhold your thoughts and feelings, I ____ (describe the specific effect on you
factually)."
top
Q32) Why is it often harder to communicate
effectively with the
people who mean the most?
People may find it easier to confide in (some) strangers than with
mates and/or some family mem-bers because the risk of rejection, criticism, and
misunderstanding (pain) is much
lower. Strangers are often more sympathetic and less disapproving, preachy,
and/or argumentative. They
usually don't bring unfinished relationship stressors ("old
baggage") to the
conversation, tho your venting may trigger unre-solved issues with other people
in their lives.
In typical business
and professional relationships, people minimize anger,
disrespect, and dislike. They stress tact and pretended or genuine respect, so it may feel "safer to talk at work" than at home,
within some limits.
This is specially true in low-nurturance
homes and
families. A contributing factor is that most people don't know how to
listen
and/or to
and
their needs and
boundaries respectfully to make communicating
safe at
home.
top
Q33)
What are "self talk and "inner-voice dialogs," and why
are they valuable?
"Self talk" is
the constant stream of thoughts, memories, fantasies, and inner visions,
senses, and images we call "thinking."
Inner-voice dialogs
are internal conversations, debates, negotiations, or screa-ming matches between different
of
your
- e.g.
"Voice" (subself) 1:
"Mmm
- Let's have a hot fudge sundae!"
"Voice" (subself) 2: "Are you
berserk? that's 900 calories, and 15 laps around the block, fatso. I
don't think so!"
Becoming objectively aware of your self-talk and
which subselves are expressing themselves can help you decide if
you're ruled by a
false self or
your gifted
(capital "S") at crucial times.
See self-improvement
top
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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