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- grow effective thinking and
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Key Definitions -
p. 1 of 3
A Guide to
the Terms
Used in this Web Site
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council
|
 The Web
address of this three--page article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/tools/terms.htm
Links below will
open new browser window or an informational popup - so
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To plan, negotiate, and
problem-solve effectively,
your family members and supporters need a clear, common language. My
professional experience is that average adults often have undeveloped family and relationship vocabularies, and
they accept that. That promotes
fuzzy thinking, misunderstandings, argue-ments, and accumulations of
unresolved conflicts ("old baggage").
These promote frustrations, resentments, and distrusts, rather than
family problem-solving, and
healthy bonding. Words and the ideas they symbolize are our basic tools for nurtur-ing
healthy
family and
interpersonal relationships. Do you agree?
To improve the effectiveness of your communications,
these three pages define basic
wound-recovery, relationship,
communication, and family terms. How many of these
can you explain to another person now? Follow the links for brief information
on each term.
This glossary assumes you're familiar with:
Definitions
Some
of these links open informational popups, and others lead to paragraphs in
these three definitions pages.
Experiment:
before you read about any of these terms, say your present definition out loud.
 Also see...
BIO- (prefix) -
denotes some aspect of a biological
(genetically-related) family. For example, biofamily role-titles are
bioparent,
biomother, biofather, biosister, biobrother, bio-grandparent, biochild, and
bio-kin. The prefix is useful because "standard" (pre-divorce) biofamily
are often very different from their post-divorce and stepfamily
BLENDED
(STEP)FAMILY - People who dislike the unpleasant associations of
"stepfamily" often use "blen-ded family" instead.
In a true
blended ("complex") stepfamily, both mates have prior kids. Each mate
has two roles: stepparent and bioparent.
If a childless stepparent conceives a child
with a bioparent partner, that does not make them a blen-ded stepfamily. All blended families are stepfamilies, but not all stepfamilies are blended. Confusing, isn’t it? See "stepfamily"
index
CHILDHOOD - Before reading
more, evolve a thoughtful answer to three questions: "What was
your child-hood?"; "Was it good or bad?;"
and "What factors influenced it the most?"
In this site, childhood means "The period of time in a person’s life
between their conception and their leaving home as a truly independent,
self-supporting adult." Clarity on this is important in fully under-standing
"childhood deprivation,"
which is the heart of the
(GWC) idea in this course and
related
guidebooks.
It’s possible that
(nurturance
deprivation) starts
while we're in the womb. Some
neo-natal researchers suggest that how a pregnant woman copes
with chronic
(e.g. with unbalanced diet or harmful drugs) can chemically affect
the development of her fetus.
Some people wonder if fetuses may be
organically traumatized by loud noises (like marital arguing) or
"commotion" outside their mother’s body. My hunch is that seriously
Moms may uncon-sciously deprive
their kids of primal nurturance in complex ways we haven’t
identified yet. What do you think?
Major factors that affect the
of your childhood are
(a)
school, and church nur-turance
levels, and (b) significant traumas. Assessing how each
factor affected filling a child's develop-mental needs can help to
validate and recover from
false-self
Every parent needs to ponder...
"How
nurturing were my and my mate/s’
childhoods?" (low > moderate > high); and...
"How
were each of my and my partner's childhood caregivers?"
It’s possible a child
has a moderately healthy family and still be
emotionally deprived and traumatized for several years in a low-nurturance
school, activity, or church - though
caregivers would prevent
that.
index
COMMUNICATION
occurs when any perceived behavior of one person or
significantly affects another person or subself spiritually, psychologically,
mentally, or physically. "Significantly" is a subjective judgment.
Because silence, withdrawal, or no contact
may affect the receiver, there is no such thing as "no
communication."
All behavior aims to reduce or prevent
physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual discomfort (needs).
There are
people seek to fill by "communicating." One is the constant need for self and mutual
which
shapes all human communication and relationships.
Effective
(vs. "open and honest") communication happens when each person involved
feels clearly that they...
-
got all their current
needs met well enough,
-
in a way that leaves them feeling good enough about themselves, their
partner/s, and their shared process.
Three widespread factors that cause
ineffective communication are unseen false-self
+ ignoran-ce of communication basics
and skills + personal unawareness of
and
dynamics. Studying and applying
can improve all three of these.
index
CO-PARENT - "Co-"
is from the Latin "com-," which meant "together." Co-parents are two
or more adults in any family who
intentionally nurture dependent kids together. Active grandparents, aunts,
and uncles and some older teens can act as co-parents
A co-parent can be a
bioparent. a childless stepparent, or involved adult relative. Legally and physi-cally,
divorcing-family and stepfamily co-parents
are custodial, non-custodial, or share joint custody. "Par-ent" can
be a family
(noun) a nurturing process, (verb) or a person who conceives and/or
nurtures a child (noun).
Some caregivers have stepparent and bioparent roles ("dual-role co-parents").
A
may have three or more co-parents living in two or more related homes
with their resident and visiting bio-kids and stepkids. The
and social environment that typical kids, co-parents, and
co-grandparents live in differs in
up to 40 ways from intact biofamilies!
The term co-parent is emotionally neutral. That helps offset our old
cultural bias that bioparents are "better" or more "normal" or "natural"
than stepparents or foster parents.
index
ENMESHMENT
- In human
relationships, this term means two or more people who don't have clear
("This is who I am, as a person") and
(limits) that separate one individual from the other. Thus an enmeshed
person can't distinguish the difference between my needs, feelings,
opinions, and pri-orities and yours. This condition is clear evidence of
Enmeshment is the polar opposite of two people being independent - meaning
neither has a strong need to
or need
the other. A middle option is an interdependent relationship, where each
per-son has a clear, stable identity, and stable boundaries.
These combine to let them relate together as co-equal partners out of conscious
choice, vs. unconscious compulsion ("I can't live without you!")
(relationship
addiction) is a form of enmeshment where the wounded person pro-gressively loses awareness of her
or his own needs, feelings, and goals, and focuses consciously on living from those
attributes of another person. The roots of this condition (vs. "disease') seem to be two common
false-self wounds: excessive shame and obsessive
fear
of rejection and abandonment - i.e. terror of being self-responsible and
alone.
Whole households and families can be enmeshed, in that each person's life and
"business" is seen as being each other member's business - e.g.
everyone listens to each others' phone calls, and reads other member's personal
mail. A member's asserting for personal privacy evokes strong criticism, scorn,
and resistance from other members - "Why do you feel you need to keep
secrets from us?!"
index
EXTENDED FAMILY - Traditionally, an extended bio(logical) family
is comprised of a
child’s several gen-erations of living genetic and legal relatives
other than siblings and parents – i.e. the group of all aunts, uncles,
cousins, and grandparents. Thus a nuclear family + extended family = "the whole
family." Some people use "extended family" to mean all related members.
Classically, a child’s extended family is at least two bioparents, and four
DNA-related grandparents. Who comprises your extended family now? The
adjectives nuclear
and extended can clarify who you're talking about and reduce
misunderstandings.
index
EXTENDED STEPFAMILY
- Who comprises "the whole stepfamily"? Including all blood and
legal rela-tives of three or more related co-parents and their minor and grown kids,
typical extended stepfamilies can have
living in a dozen or more related homes all over the continent.
The
of possible relationships among all members is often boggling. How many of
your multi-generational family members would know what "extended stepfamily" means and
who it includes? Com-mon stepfamily stressors are confusion and disagreement
over stepfamily
and
(is a
family member).
index
FAMILY
- two or more people who feel significantly bonded by some mix of
emotions, commitments, his-tory, genes (perhaps), legal contracts (like
a marriage license,
or
Order of Protec-tion), last names, memories, customs, and ongoing dependencies.
Many families include one or more minor or gown children, and others do not.
Families
exist in every age and culture because they fill some core
child and adult needs better than any
other human grouping. Can you name these specific core needs? Would each of your
relatives say their current family fills all their
well enough?
There
are many kinds of human family: biological or "birth family," absent-parent
(usually called "single parent"), foster, bi-racial, multi-cultural, adoptive,
communal, childless, step, same-gender partners, and psychological (non-DNA-related).
Each
family type is normal (has existed in all cultures and eras), has some things in common
with all others, and some facets that are different (vs. better).
When people have no bonds or relationship with genetic relatives, they may
select other adults and kids (a psychological family) to try to fill
the needs that a genetic family would otherwise. In the best case,
psychological families can be as nurturing, functional, and durable as
healthy intact biofamilies.
As global human health
has vastly improved in recent centuries, intact two-parent biofamilies are becoming the
norm except in war-torn and disease-dominated societies. Typical multi-home stepfamilies differ in more ways
from traditional intact biofamilies than any other family type does.
Families
who consistently fill all members’ mental,
spiritual, psychological, and physical
needs well enough (vs. just the kids’ needs) can be called "high-nurturance." Do you agree? If so,
did you grow up in a high-nurturance family? What's the
of your current nuclear and extended families? Would other members agree?
Gauge your basic knowledge about
families with this quiz.
Lesson 5 in this self-study
focuses on growing a high-nurturance family.
index
FAMILY
FUNCTIONING
- People and the media describe some
families as "dysfunctional" -
often without knowing what that means. Premise: families have
existed in every age and culture because they fill mem-bers'
better than other
human groups. To nurture
means "to fill someone's needs." So
a "function-al" or
family is one
that consistently fills all members' needs well enough - in someone's
opinion. What needs?
All healthy adults and kids have
Kids in intact biofamilies also have
developmental needs which require adult help to fill. Children of
divorce and abandonment and typical stepkids have additional sets of
family-adjustment needs.
A high-nurturance family consistently fills
all these adult and child needs well enough. Any family
may be judged to be somewhere between "very low nurturance" (dysfunctional)
and "very high nurtur-ance" (functional).
Typical high-nurturance families have characteristic
traits - can you name them? Young kids raised in families with too few
of these traits
by developing up to
six psychological
The wounds have
significant
on their adult
contentment, relationships (like psychological or legal
or never
marrying); parenting effectiveness; wholistic health; and
longevity.
in this site
provides an effective way to
for significant
wounds,
over time, and break
the ancestral
of family dysfunction.
explores family functioning.
index
Continued...
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Updated June 30, 2010
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