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Toward effective service to
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couples, and low-nurturance families |
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Overview: Effective
Clinical Work with
Courting-stepfamily Clients - p.
1 of 2
Key assessment,
intervention, and clinician variables
By
Peter K. Gerlach, MSW;
Member
NSRC Experts Council |
Clicking links below will open an
informational poppup or a new browser window - so please turn of your browser's
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The Web address of this two-page
overview is http://sfhelp.org/etx/2-courting.htm
This is one of a series of articles
for human-service
overviewing an
experience-based clinical assessment-intervention model for
six types of divorcing family and
stepfamily clients. The types correspond to phases of the normal stepfamily developmental cycle.
This
article outlines key elements of effective systemic work with the second
type: courting (pre-commitment) stepfamilies.
Related articles provide more detail on key
assessment and
intervention topics. This series of non-profit articles is richly
interlinked with informational popups (not
ads) and other articles, so
please turn off your browser's popup blocker.
Pause and reflect: why are you reading
this - what do you
This two-page overview covers...
Links in each section leads to more detail.
Background Reading
Read these first to get the most from this article:
-
The introduction to this
clinical series,
-
Scan the series index
and this
glossary; and read...
-
These key premises
that underlie these articles for professionals, and...
-
These summary slide presentations on...
If you have trouble viewing the slides, see
-
Read this overview of the clinical
model on which this article and series is based; and...
-
This overview of the three
levels of typical systemic "problems;"
-
Clinical requisites for working
effectively with these complex multi-problem client families. A primary
requisite is that your
(capital "S") be steadily guiding your personality as you read and reflect.
-
Common
that courting partners seek to fill via their relationship;
-
Overviews of five common stepfamily
hazards, and 12 Projects
that
co-parents can work at together to protect themselves and their kids from the
hazards.
-
This introduction to effective clinical
assessment of multi-problem, low-nurturance family systems,
and read...
-
These three steps anyone can take to effectively
break the prevalent [wounds + unawareness]
and prevent (re)divorce.
If you know a courting stepfamily, keep them
in mind as you read this. One way of learning from this article is to reflect as
you read on (a) how each premise here compares with what you now believe, and
(b) what it would mean to you and your co-workers if you
your beliefs?.
Definitions
This article proposes that a
typical "courting stepfamily" is a normal
human
which
includes...
-
One or more co-parent-couples who are dating "seriously"
after one or more divorces or prior-mate deaths. The couple may or may not be cohabiting
and/or formally engaged; and...
-
One or more
dead or living, minor or grown biological, adopted, or foster children from
one or more prior relationships; and...
-
All related active and passive adult nurturers of each child, including each
former ("ex") mate and their biological and legal relatives and
any new partners
and stepkids,
|
Effective clinical service means "helping
courting co-parent couples and their supporters (a) learn factual stepfamily basics, (b)
motivating partners to assess themselves
and each other honestly for five possible
and
to (c)
thoughtfully make three wise
to avoid
probable psychological or legal re/divorce.
|
Perspective
on These Clients
In
some ways, courting-stepfamily clients are
as all family systems. They may also be unique structurally and dynamically in over
60 ways. Compare this
sketch of typical courting stepfamilies to any
you know, and study this overview of how typical stepfamilies
develop compared to average intact
("traditional") biofamilies. Then consider how likely it is that
typical courting co-parents and their suppor-ters don't know (a) most of what you learned, and
(b) what that can mean to them and their kids if they co-commit.
Typical
love-entranced courting partners read little or nothing about managing a
stepfamily, and assume their life
experience and love are enough to guide them safely.
Result: in millennium America,
it's estimated that
over half ultimately
re/divorce
psychologically or legally within 7 to 10 years of their commitment
vows.
Couples who do seek professional counsel to prepare for
re/marriage involving prior kids are usually less psychologically
than those who don't. Typically, they want...
-
accurate information and practical suggestions about
stepfamily life ("What do we need to know?") , and/or...
-
help in solving some
current (surface) relationship problems,
like...
All
stepfamily co-parents and their kids and supporters need accurate
education. Clinicians need to
constructively emphasize the real
risk of eventual re/divorce, and the couple's need to work patiently together on
before committing to form or join a stepfamily. Few
suitors want to hear or believe that the five re/marital
and high risk of re/divorce applies to them and their kids.
The powerful
new-romance traits of idealism, optimism, excitement, hope, and reality
distortions characterize these type-3 client couples.
Typical partners are significantly-
of
childhoods,
and
aren't aware of being often dominated by a protective
|
Many courting couples will
c/overtly resist accepting (a) their
as
a stepfamily, (b) who
and (c) their identity's
.
Because they don't know what they need to know, typical partners won't know what
questions to
ask. They will often discount or ignore relevant
stepfamily realities and
and/or
vow to
study
stepfamily information and never do so. |
Key Clinical Targets
Three main clinical goals should shape assessment and intervention strategies with average courting-stepfamily clients...
-
breaking protective discounts and denials of false-self
and stepfamily
-
motivating couples to want to make three
informed courtship-commitment
decisions, and...
-
providing appropriate verbal and printed education and referrals.
To
accomplish this, clinicians and supervisors, consultants, and/or case managers need these
Then they need to make these...
Primary Assessments
Clinicians need to learn several basic things about these client couples in
order to help them achieve the goals above. This learning begins in the
intake process, and continues across
several clinical sessions:
-
Do all co-parents and key relatives and
supporters fully
accept (a) their stepfamily
now, and (b) what that identity
-
Who
comprises their multi-generation
and
stepfamilies, and do the partners fully agree on this?
-
(a) How
wounded is each partner and each co-parenting ex mate (low - moderate
- high), and (b) how aware is each of these adults of these wounds and
what they
-
How
aware is each client co-parent of...
-
stepfamily
basics and realities, including the
five
they face, and these common related
-
effective
and
problem-solving
- specially with
and
conflicts and associated
-
healthy
basics and
including how and why to assess for incomplete or
in their family members;
-
typical child-development
and family-adjustment needs, and
family-nurturance requisites;
-
how to identify and reduce any significant
co-parenting
between co-parenting ex mates and/or relatives,
-
each partner's (a) main relationship
and (b) real (vs. ideal)
and...
-
couple and stepfamily
strengths.
The results of this multi-topic assessment will determine...
Intervention Options
Effective interventions
with courting co-parents and supporters
aim to motivate them to (a) raise their family
and (b) reduce the
long-term risk of eventual re/divorce by honestly assessing
whether they're committing
to the right
for the right
at
the right
Restated: effective interventions will motivate client couples to
commit to working patiently together on
before exchanging vows. This series of divorce-prevention
articles, these three Project-7
worksheets, and this
related
guidebook provide a practical way to do this.
The
keystone intervention with all these clients is to (a) inform them of false-self wounds and the wounds' personal and family consequences, and then
to (b) motivate each co-parent to
themselves, their partner, and other family
co-parents and key supporters for significant wounds.
The second most important
assessment is each partner's current real (vs. "proper") priorities.
If
needy courting couples' don't realize (or admit) the stepfamily conflicts and stress
that they're heading towards, initial clinical goals
are...
1)
Interest the
couple in
"custom education" or a "pre-re/marriage
checkup." Custom means learn this unique family's needs and
circumstances, and tailor educational information and suggestions to fit them. This intervention summarizes
four key points,
perhaps augmented with related handouts: (a) the five common remarital
hazards,
(b) the 12 co-parent safeguard
, (c) basic stepfamily
facts,
and (d) a sample stepfamily genogram.
This
core intervention should include some
version of these points:
-
"One (or both) of you has one or more
existing kids with a prior partner. By dating each other exclusively," you're considering
whether to co-create a normal stepfamily together.
-
"Paradoxically, typical stepfamilies like yours are
the same as traditional biofamilies
and different from them in over 60 ways. These differences
always cause complex role and relationship stress-ors that most co-parents have little or
no experience with - like loyalty, family membership, and biofamily-merger conflicts.
Also, typical stepkids like yours can have over 50 concurrent
develop-mental and adjustment needs they need
informed adult help with.
-
Many researchers estimate that
over half of American couples just like you
ultimately re/divorce legally or psychologically. The impact
of divorcing a second time on
typical kids and adults is profound.
Would you be interested in a few educational
sessions to learn whether you're at risk of this and how to guard against
it?
If the answer nets out to "no," then offer selected educational
handouts and stepfamily resources, and
suggest meeting later. If the partners say "yes we're interested," then agree on one or more
educational
meetings for the couple.
Better: invite all
related co-parents. If the other
adults
can't or won't attend, suggest the attending clients inform the other adults
what they're doing and why, and offer them copies of handouts - as co-parenting
not adversaries or critics.
Intervention 2)
Alert
partners to expect their custom education will probably evoke some confusion,
anxieties, and disagreements. Affirm your intention to keep everyone focused on
learning (a) key stepfamily
realities and protections, and (b) effective problem resolution. Option: metaphorically describe the custom education as a
"safari" into new stepfamily territory.
3)
Motivate the couple to adopt and keep
(a) a long-range viewpoint (e.g. the next 20 years),
and (b) the open mind and curiosity of a
student. Emphasize that typical stepfamilies take over five years to
and stabilize
their
multi-generational biofamilies after co-commitment, and how different
stepfamilies are from typical "traditional" biofamilies.
Encourage courting
couples to accept that despite prior experience and knowledge, (a)
they have
much to learn, and
(b) self-education should be a high ongoing, shared priority among
all their stepfamily adults and kids.
Motivational
interventions may include...
-
Overviewing the five stepfamily
stressors ("the problem"), and the related 12 co-parent
("the solution"). Ask the couple's reaction, emphasizing
that their biofamily experience is often not a reliable guide
deciding if these hazards apply to them or to solving unique stepfamily
-
Before or during the first education
meeting, ask the couple to review
and discuss (a) these 16
courtship
and
(b) this
longer summary of three wise re/marriage
choices. Discuss their reactions - specially which factors brought up
the most concern or "interest" (anxiety). Affirm and normalize their courtship idealism
and stepfamily
-
Invite the couple to review some version of these
minor kids' typical developmental and family-adjustment needs. Expect partners
to be startled and perhaps anxious or skeptical, irritated, and
"resistant" (scared). Reassure them that once informed of these
needs, co-parents and family supporters can patiently help each other and their kids fill these
(and related adult) needs over
a span of years.
Option - define (a) needs as normal emotional and
physical discomforts, and (b) nur-turance as
"filling someone's needs." Then propose that co-parent knowledge and efforts
to identify and fill everyone's needs will determine the nurturance level
of their homes and family.
As you teach these things, be alert for the bioparent
feeling significant divorce-related
and the potential stepparent/s feeling anxious
and/or
- e.g. "Now that you've reviewed these many
topics, how do you (each) feel? Where do your minds go?" Normalize
any disbelief, guilt, and anxiety as healthy reactions. If you sense
significant unresolved guilt, see this for
intervention options.
Other ways of motivating
co-parent clients towards ongoing self-education, greater stepfamily awareness,
and making wise co-commitment decisions are...
-
Ask each partner to review a copy of this quiz
of life skills and knowledge needed for long-term relationship and stepfamily success.
Then discuss and relate their reactions to the purpose of the
custom-education meetings; and/or...
-
Ask
partners to review this summary of ~ 30
typical
stepfamily-adjustment tasks that they'll need to patiently help
their family members with; and/or...
-
Review
these 16 things that their stepfamily members will have to patiently merge
and stabilize over several years, noting that this process causes many
confusions and conflicts;
-
Review these
typical stepfamily members encounter, and ask if couples are confident of
how to handle their version of the problems effectively; and...
-
Invite each co-parent to read this
example of a real multi-home stepfamily.
Note that while the details are different, the
stressors are
probably the same ones the client couple and their relatives will encounter - like loyalty and values conflicts
and relationship triangles.
After
building the clients' interest in long-term stepfamily self-education, the
intervention focus shifts to
selectively providing, discussing, and implementing needed knowledge.
 Continue
this overview of using this clinical model with
typical
courting stepfamily (type 2) co-parents. Do you need a stretch break first?
+ + +
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Updated
January 04, 2009
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