The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/etx/basics/spirituality2.htm
This Web page continues exploring spirituality (vs. religion) as a clinical
resource and/or client stressor. The first page proposes...
-
some key semantic
definitions;
-
a self-assessment
inventory about your spirituality and your
workplace;
-
a
reason to include spirituality in clinical
work with divorcing families and stepfamilies;
-
basic perspective
on, and premises about spirituality and
clinical spirituality interventions; and...
-
potential
benefits of
including spirituality in the work with receptive clients.
This page
...
-
describes psychologically-toxic
spirituality,
-
outlines ideas on
assessing client
spirituality, and ...
-
offers ideas on how to use the clinician's and
client's spirituality with client-families whose spirituality seems
non-toxic.
The
final page offers intervention-options for
clients with toxic spiritual or religious beliefs and practices.
About Toxic
Spirituality ...
This site promotes
(wholistically healthy) family relationships.
"Toxic"
means anything that significantly blocks or degrades that,
in someone's informed view. Because spirituality is one of four core
ingredients of personal and family wholistic health,
I propose that some spiritual and religious values, beliefs, and practices can be unquestionable
toxic. Some people believe that accepting our spiritual "One-ness" is the core
human health issue.
Let's define toxic spirituality or religion as beliefs that promote
excessive
,
(e.g. of
Satan, demons, Hell, Purgatory, and/or "eternal damnation"), hatred, scorn, pretense,
intolerance,
,
righteous
, black/white and
thinking, aggression ("you must believe the one true Word!"),
dependence on a Holy Book for rote values ands answers instead of self-aware
personal judgment and instinct; and
(e.g. the Salem witchcraft persecutions). When present, these attributes
usually indicate
,
, and
.
This model proposes that
spiritual neglect, abuse, and aggression are major toxic stressors.
They each (1) indicate _ a low-nurturance setting and _ major adult
;
and (2) significantly degrade personal and family-system balance and health.
Premises:
-
spiritual
occurs in a family when co-parents don't value or intentionally try to
help kids' _ understand and _ experience a nurturing Higher Power, _
honestly answer kids' questions about their own spirituality (or lack of
it), and _ respect every person's right to
form their own spiritual and religious beliefs and practices over time.
-
spiritual
occurs when one person (like a co-parent) forces toxic spiritual beliefs
and/or religious practices on a dependent person who cannot defend
themselves or withdraw. A common example is the innocent traditional child's
prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep," which implies the adult calmly believes
each night that the child may "die before (s/he) wakes."
-
spiritual aggression occurs when one person
insists that
another person must accept some (undesired or repugnant) spiritual beliefs or
religious practices without regard for that person's opinions or needs. The
distinction between abuse and aggression can be vague an subjective. It may be relevant only if "abuse,"
"abused," and
are highly-provocative
terms to one or more participants.
Righteous belief in the concept of
evil
(purposeful, malevolent intentions and actions) can be toxic, depending on
how that belief affects actions and relationships. Judging a person or a
personality subself to be evil (vs. wounded and unaware)
makes the judger "1-up" (superior). This prevents mutually-respectful
communication and relationships, and fosters resentment, defensiveness, and
retaliation or withdrawal. I suspect that people who need to label others as
evil and themselves as good are unaware of being chronically
ruled by excessively-shamed subselves.
|
Nurturing spirituality
is faith in a benign, accessible Higher Power which promotes genuine
acceptance, love, and respect of self and others;
(vs.
healthy
and
wholistic
and growth;
forgiveness
and compassion; selective
realistic optimism (vs.
rigid idealism
or cynicism)
and hope;
and
self
and
|
Implication:
some beliefs and actions based
rigidly on the Hebrew/Christian Old Testament are psychologically toxic. That
book's demand of absolute obedience to a
"wrathful, vengeful God" promotes fear, guilt, and shame just for
being born human - specially when amplified by a stern, judgmental church
community. The belief that rejecting Jesus the Christ as a personal Savior dooms
a person to "burn forever in Hell" is psychologically toxic
beyond dispute - specially to a vulnerable child. Notice your reaction: indignation, defensiveness, pity, and
scorn are sure signs of false-self dominance.
Christian and similar concepts of
"original sin" can be toxic to persons and families. If
over-emphasized and taken literally, this idea promotes (a) chronic guilt, shame,
anxiety, self doubt, and (b) rote reliance on reported beliefs of people dead
for millennia, vs. personal judgment and inner spiritual wisdom. Yes, the concept of personal
or mortal sin can promote morally-right actions,
but (I fear) at
the risk of significant psychological wounding, stunted personal
development, and chronic shame and anxiety.
Taken literally, modern manifestations of the
ancient Persian (pre-Christian) concept of "Hell" and "the Devil" can also be
psychologically toxic, because they promote spiritual aggression and abuse, and terror.
These encourage false-self dominance and related
- specially in young children. Earnest proponents warn that Satan constantly
schemes to snare unwary persons' souls, depriving them of (Christian)
salvation and Heavenly peace. This promotes choosing Christian beliefs and
affiliations because of fear and distrust.
As a grateful believer in an unconditionally-loving God,
I am not
Bible-bashing here. I am proposing there's a toxic price tag
to not seeing Holy books as offering useful symbolic
and metaphoric guidance,
inspiration, and
moral encouragements, vs. Divine instruction and "law."
mindless
beliefs that God or Allah - via the Bible or Koran - demand that they kill "infidels" and "unbelievers" to be "righteous" and
"attain Paradise or Heaven" is one of the bloodiest tragedies
in the human saga. Incidentally, can you recall reading or hearing of
militant Buddhist, Quaker, or Hindu "fanatics"?
You probably know adults who make major life decisions based on
rigid religious credos (and needs for social inclusion and approval), rather than on their own inner
spiritual/rational wisdom. After
70 years
on Earth and over a decade of experience with
, I
propose that people who don't know they're controlled by a
risk
stunted, distorted, or toxic spirituality. This seems specially likely in
human environments.
Unaware, wounded co-parents risk uncritical reliance on charismatic, fervent
religious leaders for life-guidance, rather than on their
inner Spirit and true Self. Whose
beliefs are shaping your life?
I invite you to reflect now on what you believe
about _ nurturing and toxic spirituality, and
_ how your beliefs and related moral (right/wrong) values affect the professional service you provide.
Notice your
now...
We've briefly reviewed ideas on _ why include spirituality in clinical work
with these clients, and _ toxic and nurturing spirituality. Let's use
these ideas now to explore options for...
Assessing Client
Spirituality
Have
you evolved an effective conscious way to learn about your clients' spirituality
now? If you belief spirituality is a valid aspect of clinical work, four
relevant questions are: assess for _ what, _ when, and _ how?
Assess What?
Typical questions to research are...
-
Does spirituality or
religion significantly shape this family's
?
The clinician may judge "significantly" differently than the family's
leader/s.
-
If
not, is this a symptom of the family's leaders bearing significant
false-self wounds? To answer, the clinician must first assess _ "Who
this
now?," and _ "Who
recently?"
-
If
so, where do the impacts of each of these two factors fall on a line
between "highly toxic" and "highly nurturing"?
-
If "significantly nurturing," how can I
best use this to promote effective clinical service with this family?"
-
If
"significantly toxic": is there credible evidence of spiritual _
neglect, _ abuse, or _ aggression affecting members of this family? If so, _
how do these relate to the client's presenting problems, and _ what are my
clinical options?
-
If this
client-family's spiritual beliefs and/or religious practices differ
significantly from mine, does that hinder my respect for, and objectivity
with them? If so, what is my best option?
-
If any
client adult judges my spiritual and religious beliefs, does this help or
hinder our work? What are my options?
-
Do this
family's spirituality or religious preferences and practices significantly
bias _ an ex mate and/or relatives, _ my supervisor, _ any consultant/s
working with the family, or _ anyone else who affects this family's
nurturance level? And...
-
How receptive are these client
adults to discussing and using spirituality openly to enhance our work
together?
Reflect on current or recent divorcing or stepfamily clients - have
you assessed any of these questions with them? If so, has this helped or
hindered your service to them, so far? If you need to discuss this with
anyone, _ who and _ why?
Is There a
Best Time to Assess
Client Spirituality?
At intake: The answer depends on your and/or your organization's
policy on this: "If I or we ask about client spirituality and religion as
part of the intake process,
how may that affect the work? In religiously homogenous communities
("Chattanooga is largely Baptist"), this may be clear. Insecure (wounded)
client adults may be uncomfortable with or resent such questions, feeling "It's
none of your business!," or "That has no bearing on our (presenting)
problems!" Conversely, "religious" clients may find the question
appropriate and reassuring. An intake-questionnaire item asking clients to
define "Family religious preference, if any: ______" may be an acceptable
compromise for average clients.
After intake: If the clinician or agency doesn't ask at intake,
clients may reveal their spiritual or religious identities and beliefs
spontaneously as sessions unfold. When and how they do, in the context of
the work, will suggest whether to ask for more information or not. If the
clinician notices no such spontaneous information, s/he has more strategic
options earlier if s/he asks some general question/s during initial
conversations: "Do you feel
someone's spirituality is affecting your (presenting) problem in any
significant way?" First asking "Do your family members see
spirituality and religion as the same, or different?" is a
stylistic choice. Be prepared for something like: "We've never talked about
that."
Special situations: as client members reveal themselves, some key
situations make spirituality and religious assessment specially relevant and
useful - e.g.
-
"Addicted"
families: if one or more family members appear to have any of the four
,
describing and/or referring clients to a
12-step program should include telling them to expect it to invite them
to turning unmanageable life situations over to a personal Higher Power.
This may prevent atheist and agnostic (wounded) clients from following such
referral.
-
Individual
recovery (inner-family) work: many children and adults ruled by false selves
are significantly stressed by subselves excessively
,
and
by toxic religious beliefs. At some point in the
work, it can be productive to focus respectfully on these subselves.
Assessment options include exploring _ what they believe about God, Satan,
Heaven, Hell, sin, evil, etc., _ where they got their beliefs, _ who they
fear would disapprove of their shifting beliefs, and _ how other subselves
react to these beliefs. There are many variations.
-
Families majorly conflicted over
religious prejudice - the three or more extended biofamilies
comprising
are specially vulnerable to significant values conflicts over spirituality
and religion. Some divorced bioparents develop serious conflicts over their
children's religious training. Most client co-parents haven't developed a
unified, effective strategy to resolve
in general. Doing so is part of safeguard
here.
-
Families significantly stressed by
.
A major resource in healthy
is (a) accepting that we
many aspects of our relationships and environment, and (b) "turning them over"
to a caring Higher Power. People with clear spiritual faith may temporarily
lose it when reacting to some incomprehensible loss ("If there's a loving
God, how could He allow this?"). They need to progress on the spiritual
level of mourning, which (a) finds some answer to that question (e.g. "I
accept that I can't know why God does what He does."), and (b) eventually
restores a stable spiritual faith.
-
Families stressed by a media or social source of toxic religious beliefs or
practices - e.g. a church, cult, or "movement." Can you think of any in
media headlines recently?
-
Families unintentionally neglecting the spiritual development of dependent
children.
Some options apply to all
.
In what follows, "God" can be any title, label, or Prophet you feel is most
relevant:
-
Include one or several
questions on any intake forms or checklists - e.g. "On a scale
of 1 to 10 (10 = "extremely"), how important would you say
spirituality (vs. religion) is to your immediate family recently?"
-
When appropriate, ask
generic questions like ...
"What does
'spirituality' mean to you?"
"Do you believe in
a Higher Power now? 'No' is perfectly OK with me."
"Do you feel that
God can help you with this problem?"
"How are you most
comfortable accessing God?"
"Do you feel God is
present in and with us right now?"
"How comfortable
would you be in our asking for God's help as we work together?"
"Have you ever had
an experience where you felt God's presence or intervention?"
"What did each of
your childhood caregivers teach you about spirituality?"
"If God spoke to
you now about your problem, what do you feel you'd hear?"
"Do you have a
spiritual mentor now?", or "Have you ever had a
spiritual mentor or teacher?"
"How would others
in your family feel about our using our spirituality to help us in our
work?"
The way attending clients answer questions like these
(mindlessly, timidly, anxiously, vaguely, confidently,...) reveals as much as their answers. My experience is that responses to
questions like these usually suggest follow-on assessment questions which help develop
a "sense" of individuals' and the family's client's spiritual and
religious beliefs, rules
(boundaries), morals, and priorities.
When Assessment Timing
Is there a best time in the work to assess a client's spiritual
resources and limits? Because assessment is an organic, phased process, and
spirituality or religion can be highly-charged topics, clinical flexibility
helps, here. Experience suggests that building a solid therapeutic alliance and
gaining a sense of the clients' traits and situation first, is a good guide
for if and when to ask assessment questions like those above. In part, the
timing will depend on _ the clinician's style and comfort level
with this topic, _ cues provided by the attending clients, and
_ the presenting
problems.
Some clients will bring up spiritual or religious issues spontaneously, creating an
opportunity to assess. With those who don't, the clinician's Self will guide them to wait until a "lull" or an
occurs in the flow of the
work. Clinical impasses are "windows of opportunity" that can open
new intervention possibilities. Example: the clinician asks ...
"I confess, I feel stuck right now. I'd like us to be quiet for a few moments, and
see if (God, Higher Power, Inner Voice, ...) will give you or me a
direction that we're not seeing yet. Would you feel OK doing that?"
Such a question is both an assessment and a teaching intervention. My
experience since 1981 is that most clients with prior clinical experience have never
_ had a professional admit to being
"stuck," and/or _ heard a question like that. What's your
experience?
The Right Conditions
What "conditions" promote successful clinical spirituality
interventions with typical divorcing and stepfamily clients?
-
The clinician's inner
family
is clearly under the guidance of their true Self (vs.
false
self) and a meaningful Higher Power. Otherwise spirituality
interventions may be contrived, insincere, ambivalent, or covertly
manipulative or shaming.
-
The client and clinician mutually
respect each other's theology, even if they clearly disagree on some
elements.
- Both agree that the clinician (other
than an invited spiritual counselor) is not trying to instruct
the client on what or how to believe, or how to worship. Nor is s/he judging the "rightness" of what the client
believes - unless their beliefs seem toxic to the client and/or
others. "Toxic" means significantly degrading the client's
or dependent kid's wholistic health by promoting excessive fear, guilt, shame,
distrust, bigotry, and/or confusion. In this site,
"client" means the attending person/s'
nuclear
family.
Other "right circumstances" include ...
-
The clinician's choices about spirituality
interventions are self-motivated and authentic, and are acceptable to co-workers, supervisor, and clinical or
program director, if any. If not, overt or unspoken values' conflicts with colleagues may
promote
inner
conflict ("ambivalence") in session, which can
confuse and hinder the client's trust in the clinician.
-
The attending client/s are
receptive enough (per their judgment) to the clinician's respectfully
exploring spirituality issues and resources - among others - in
assessing and filling the client's unfilled needs; and ...
-
The clinician is able to flex to adapt
to the client's spiritual concepts and language, rather than
requiring or implying that the client should use the clinician's
concepts and terminology. A corollary is that the clinician needs to
avoid imposing their own spiritual biases about if or how
a Supreme Being may or may not help in the work; And ...
- any other conditions you feel are
necessary before making valid spirituality interventions.
Options for
Using
(Clinician + Client) Spirituality Effectively
If the right conditions are met
and the timing is right, how can a clinician or other professional use
their own and the client's spiritual resources to help reach their human-
service goals? Because clinician personality and paradigm, clients, and situations are unique, specific answers
must be unique also. Options are that the clinician perceives the
client-family's spirituality is...
-
irrelevant to
presenting problems, and clinical goals and interventions, or...
-
a potential resource to them and the
work; or...
-
the client's faith and
religious practices and/or environment (e.g. church
community) seem to _ reduce client-family's nurturance level, _ promote
significant false-self wounds, and _ contribute to the client's presenting problems.
These scenarios raise different procedural and boundary questions, and
invite different interventions. Let's look at each, briefly ...
1) Client Spirituality Seems Benign (Non-toxic)
Spirituality-intervention options vary with the client type, their problems,
and the (non-marital > marital >personal) phase of the work.
Options With Courting-stepfamily
Clients
These clients typically don't know what they don't know about
psychological
and stepfamily realities
and
.
Typically, they're muting, intellectualizing, or avoiding any significant conflicts
about spirituality or religion (and other things). Exceptions are client couples from different
conservative religious denominations (e.g. fundamental Christian and
Orthodox Jewish, or Muslim and Baptist) whose extended-family or social
environment promotes mutual judgment (prejudice) and rejection.
Stepfamily research suggests
that cross-denominational unions are significantly more likely in American
re/marriages than first marriages.
With this in mind, assessment and intervention options with these
clients include ...
-
Assess for nurturing
(vs. toxic), shared couple spirituality (vs. religious
compatibility), and overtly include those among the couple's current
strengths. Doing so helps offset scary warnings of major stepfamily
conflict and re/divorce risk;
-
If one or both partners
are divorced, assess for significant inner or intra-family values
conflicts over that (like "divorce is a sin"), and how each
divorced partner is coping with any related
,
and confusion. Also ask the couple's opinion about how
co-parenting ex mates are doing with the same questions.
Seed the vision
of healing each of these intra-personal stressors, and how that will
benefit any kids involved, long-term;
-
If one partner identifies
as "spiritual" or "religious," and the other doesn't,
assess whether the couple has meaningfully considered how that values
difference will affect their co-parenting decisions and
child-visitation harmony. If "no," are they motivated to do so? Serious open
or muted conflicts here can lead into assessing and teaching the couple
about their inevitable stepfamily
and
conflicts. Intervention option: explain and facilitate
and
.
-
Assess whether _
you and _ the client-couple think that
spirituality or religion is a strength or stressor in the past and
current relationship between ex mates, and/or their extended
families. If the latter, facilitate the couple's resolving that,
vs. ignoring, minimizing, or enduring.
-
If one or both partners or
a co-parenting ex mate appears to be significantly ruled by a false self, assess for
possible worship or religious
.
If you suspect it, indicated interventions are the same as with any
other symptom of false-self dominance.
-
Alert receptive couples
to the PREPARE
(MC) and REFOCCUS
pre-re/marriage assessment services. These may
inspire the couple to do the more detailed
proposed here. Both computer-"scored" assessments are usually
facilitated by trained clergypersons in various church
denominations.
Options for Spirituality
Interventions with the Other Four Client Types
|
Representative
Spirituality Interventions
with "Non-toxic"
Divorcing Biofamilies and Divorcing Stepfamilies |
Clinical Focus and Phase |
Marital
problems |
Inner-family
(individual) work |
|
1) If attending clients are
ambivalent about divorce (ruled by a false self), and their surface reasons for divorce
include serious spiritual or religious conflicts, see if the clients are open to
_ learning about using
effective problem-solving skills _ to reduce such
values conflicts to "tolerable." If not, seed
awareness of those.
|
yes |
yes -
focus:
|
|
2) If co-parents
seem distracted from using existing inner and outer spiritual and
religious resources (e.g. pastoral counseling, prayer, and/or church-community
support) effectively, _ identify that respectfully, and
_ encourage them to
proactively overcome the distractions. If they're psychologically
wounded, they
probably won't, and seeding the idea may still help.
|
yes |
True
naturally invites proactive use of spiritual
resources |
|
3) If one or both
co-parents seem
with or
on extended family or
church community members over religious beliefs, respectfully
confront the couple with their letting other people's beliefs, and
underlying guilt and fear of disapproval and rejection break up their marriage. Option:
give such couples copies of this, and
encourage them to apply it.
|
yes |
yes |
|
4) Pray with
and for consenting clients for guidance, resilience, and hope
|
with
receptive clients |
yes |
|
5) Use
or equivalent to facilitate
_ internal
recognition and _ balanced participation of the client's
Spiritual subself
|
seed
with
receptive clients |
yes |
|
6) In session,
acknowledge impasses and invite all present to
get mentally and
physically quiet and listen to their "still small
(spiritual) voice" for inspiration and direction. If a
positive experience, encourage clients to do that outside clinical
meetings.
|
with
receptive clients |
yes |
|
7) Strategically
use the clinician's own spirituality to illustrate, inspire, and
guide attending clients.
|
yes |
yes |
|
8) Encourage
clients to meditate, pray, and journal, as their process unfolds
|
yes |
yes |
|
9) Teach
attending clients the three levels of
help them identify their
divorce-related losses, and explore the
spiritual level of their
grieving. If clients aren't open to this now, seed this
healing task. Alert them to their children's and key relatives'
primary
need for the same three-level healing.
|
with
receptive clients |
yes, and
with other (prior) losses |
|
10) Refer
co-parents as indicated to - or network with - a competent
spiritual "coach" or pastoral counselor, and/or a
spiritually- compatible "marriage-saver" program, book,
or divorce-support group. Ideally,
and facilitators will know stepfamily basics. |
yes |
yes |
These are illustrative suggestions, not comprehensive. Every case will merit
or invite uniquely appropriate spirituality interventions like these. Recall
this site's premise that effective clinical work has long-term effects on
client families. Therefore, if full interventions like these aren't feasible
or timely now, seeding client spiritual awareness and
nurturance can still be potentially helpful, long-term.
Continue this clinical series on spirituality assessments and
interventions with options for non-divorcing
stepfamily clients, and client-families with toxic
spirituality issues.
