Toward effective service to persons, divorcing families, and stepfamilies
Index: Clinical-intervention Options for
Common Family and Relationship Stressors
p. 1 of 2
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Retired Board member,
Stepfamily Association of America
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This research-based Web site exists to...
motivate people to stop the toxic [wounds + unawareness] cycle
improve the nurturance level of typical families, and...
This article is one of a series on effective professional counseling, coaching, and therapy with (a) these families, and with (b) typical survivors of childhood neglect and trauma.
In these articles, "co-parent" means any part-time or full-time caregiving adult in a divorcing family or stepfamily. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes it may be a stepparent's first union. These articles for professionals are under construction.
Before continuing, pause and reflect - why are you reading this article? What do you need?
Foundations
This experience-based clinical model is based on premises about...
the traits and structures of typical high-nurturance ("functional") family systems,
an unseen, toxic cycle of [wounds + unawareness] spreading down the generations;
five related hazards that reduce the nurturance level of most American families, and...
a sequence of 12 Projects that aware family adults can work at together to avoid or reduce these hazards, and raise their nurturance level over time.
The Projects are concurrent and inter-related, so. benefits from later Projects require client progress on earlier ones - specially Project 1 (wound assessment and recovery), Project 2 (effective communication skills,), and Project 5 (evolve a pro-grief family, and free any blocked grief.
This series of clinical articles and resources proposes a framework of systemic assessment and intervention based on these hazards and Projects. The model applies to six types of low-nurturance ("dysfunctional") family systems corresponding to sequential stages on a normal family-development path. Five of the types are stepfamilies, which are at significant risk of psychological and legal divorce in our culture.This article provides links to key interventions in each Project. Note that the interventions for nine Projects are useful for any client-family system. Though individual interventions stand alone, their systemic benefit is greatest if they are provided in the sequence shown. The interventions will make the most sense after studying these:
An overview of this clinical model, and the key premises that underlie it;
This perspective on family systems;
This summary of traits of high-nurturance families;
These slide presentations introducing the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, personality subselves, Grown Wounded Children (GWCs), psychological-wound recovery, divorce recovery, and stepfamily basics. If you have trouble viewing the slides, see this.
These six requisites for effective clinical service to these clients;
These basic perspectives on clinical assessment and intervention with these clients, and...
Scan these these menus of key terms used in this clinical series, solutions to common client-family problems, and useful questions and answers for client-adults and supporters;
This example of the five hazards at work with a real stepfamily, and...
Three options for preventing the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and its derivative divorce epidemic.
Follow the links to the Project of your choice, or scan all the interventions in order. Hilighted Projects are for stepfamily clients:
Best Begun Before or During Courtship
Project 1 - assess for psychological wounds, and reduce any you find, over time
Project 2 - learn effective communication basics and seven related skills
Project 3 - accept your stepfamily identity and what it means, and agree on who belongs to your stepfamily
Project 4 - help your stepfamily members convert common role and relationship misconceptions into realistic expectations
Project 5 - co-parents (a) learn healthy-grieving basics, and use them to (b) evolve a pro-grief stepfamily and (c) free any blocked grief
Project 6 - evolve a meaningful family mission, or vision, statement, and use it to evolve practical co-parent job (role) descriptions
Project 7 - Use learnings from Projects 1-6 and prior life experience to make three wise courtship-commitment choices and minimize the odds of future re/divorce
Post-commitment or Cohabiting Interventions
Project 8 - intentionally nourish your primary relationship amidst many stressors
Project 9 - co-parents (a) evolve and follow an informed plan to merge their multi-generational biofamilies, and (b) form effective strategies to avoid and resolve inevitable values and loyalty conflicts and associated relationship triangles.
Project 10 - Co-parents (a) admit and reduce any co-parental barriers, and evolve an effective co-parenting team; and (b) agree on cooperative strategies to identify and fill all nuclear-family members' primary needs effectively
Project 11 - form and use an effective personal, marital, and family support network as you merge biofamilies
Project 12 - (a) intentionally stay balanced on four levels, and (b) enjoy evolving a high-nurturance family together a day at a time.
Summary - Key Project 1 Interventions
For whom? significantly-wounded family adults (a) before and (b) after they've hit true bottom, and their co-parents and kids. These interventions apply (a) to any wounded person seeking to recover, and (b) their families Suggestion: read this overview of Project 1, and scan (a) these indexes of Project-1 resources and (b) this series of articles outlining inner-family therapy ("parts work") basics and key techniques for perspective on these interventions.
Before Hitting True Bottom
1) Ask clients to define "my personality" and how it evolves. Then ask their ideas on why people's personalities differ.
2) Propose that normal (vs. pathological) personal-ities are composed of semi-independent, talented "parts" or "subselves," like players in an orchestra or sports team. Offer behavioral evidences of this, and observe the client's reactions.
3)
4)
5)
After Hitting True Bottom
Key PROJECT-2 Interventions - learn effective communication basics and skillsThese interventions for all clients are in three groups: foundations, skill-building, and applications
A) Foundations
2-1) Ask clients to define "communication," and propose a new definition if appropriate.
2-2) Propose that communication occurs to fill local needs - i. e. to reduce current discomforts.
2-3) (a) Note the difference between surface needs (symptoms) and underlying primary needs, and (b) explain why awareness of this is important for effective problem solving.
2-4) Describe, illustrate, and discuss communication needs and need-conflicts
2-5) Define, illustrate, and discuss "effective communication,"
2-6) Explain, illustrate, and assess the client for significant communication blocks
2-7) Define, illustrate, and model communication sequences, patterns, and outcomes
2-8) Inventory and affirm client's current communication strengths
2-9) Refresh clients on personality subselves and false-self wounds (Project 1) as needed, and relate them to communication outcomes;
2-10) Define, illustrate, and model E(motion)-levels and hearing-checks
2-11) Define, illustrate, and model "awareness bubbles," and when and how to use them.
2-12) Define, illustrate, and model "R(espect) messages," and propose why they're important
2-13) Follow up on, reinforce, and validate each of these items in future sessions.
B) Communication skill-building Interventions
2-14) (a) Define "skill," and (b) ask each participating client to describe and illustrate how s/he learns new skills
2-15) Summarize the seven communication skills and how they relate to each other
2-16) Describe, illustrate, and model communication awareness
2-17) Describe, illustrate, and model clear and fuzzy thinking
2-18) Describe, illustrate, and model empathic listening and hearing checks
2-19) Describe, illustrate, and model "digging down" to identify primary needs
2-20) Describe, illustrate, and model respectful assertion and "I" messages
2-21) Describe, illustrate, and model win-win problem-solving (conflict resolution)
2-22) Describe, illustrate, and model metatalk
2-23) Propose that all these skills are equally useful with personality subselves and people.
2-24) Follow up in future sessions to affirm and strengthen clients' skills and their benefits
The last group of common Project-2 interventions in this model is...
C) Common Problem-solving Applications
The links in this table lead to groups of Solutions articles in this site. Each offer a framework for identifying the primary problems (unfilled needs) causing each surface problem, and using the foundations and seven Project-2 skills above to help clients fill their primary needs as teammates. For perspective on using these in designing effective interventions, read these introductory paragraphs and references, and scan these Q&A topics first.
Topic numbering continues from above.
2-25) Resolve typical loyalty (priority) conflicts
2-26) Resolve typical values conflicts
2-27) Resolve typical relationship triangles
2-28) Resolve typical stepfamily identity conflicts
2-29) Resolve stepfamily membership (inclusion/exclusion) conflicts
2-30) Resolve common (re)marital conflicts
2-31) Resolve typical ex-mate co-parenting barriers
2-32) Resolve common stepchild-stepparent problems
2-33) Resolve common problems among stepsiblings
2-34) Resolve typical co-parent problems with biorelatives and in laws
2-35) Resolve common special stepfamily problems
2-36) Follow up on and reinforce solutions to any of these topics as appropriate.
(a) accept your stepfamily identity and what it means, and (b) agree on who belongs
For courting and committed or cohabiting stepfamily adults and supporters.
3-1) Help all co-parents accept an accurate definition of "stepfamily," and identify and debunk any misconceptions.
3-2) Teach and discuss stepfamily basics with co-parents and key supporters, including similarities and differences with typical "traditional" intact biofamilies
3-3) Teach co-parents how to make and use a step-family genogram, and invite discussing reactions to theirs
3-4) Discuss the concepts of stepfamily identity and stepfamily roles and role titles, and the value of the client members accepting their stepfamily identity.
3-5) Review and discuss the key meanings of being a multi-home stepfamily, and reassure co-parents they can learn to manage probable stepfamily stressors together.
3-6) Assess for any client co-parents' discounting or rejecting their step-identity, and seek to correct that.
3-7) Promote client adults using appropriate stepfamily role-titles, and assess and reduce any "resistance" to that.
3-8) Motivate attending family members to teach non-attending members and supporters what they're learning here.
3-9) Follow up in future contacts to see if clients accept their stepfamily identity and what it means. If not, assess what blocks this, and propose appropriate interventions.
Continue with links to key interventions in Projects 4 thru 12
+ + +
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Created October 05, 2008
