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This is one of a series of lesson-5 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance family.
The
article introduces a powerful tool for
understanding how your family is "built" - "structural mapping."
It may look complicated, but if you experiment with it, you'll find
that it's easy to use. The article defines family structure, summarizes
some basic premises, shows you how to map the structure of any family, and
proposes baseline 'maps" of healthy biological families.. A related
article shows ghow to map typical multi-home stepfamily structures.
This mapping tool can help you answer questions like...
"Who has
the power in our home and family, including dead people and non-relatives?"
"Who's in charge of each of our homes?"
"Who is aligned
and who is conflicted?"
"Is anyone excluded from full family membership?
By Whom? Why?"
"Do we have
major communication blocks in and between our several homes?"
"How does our family structure
react to crises, major
conflicts, and membership changes?
This article assumes you're familiar with...
the intro to this nonprofit
Web site and the premises
underlying it
Here, a
family means a group of people with genetic, legal, and social
bonds who depend on each other for inclusion, identity, companionship,
support, procreation, security and
stability. This can include dead and distant relatives, special friends and
professional consultants, a Higher Power, neighbors, tea-chers, coaches, baby
sitters, and perhaps influential mentors and media figures..
Structuredescribes how something is built, like a house, novel,
sailboat, or government. Structures range from stable to unstable and
effective to flawed, depending on what they're designed to do.
Family structure refers to:
Who's included and excluded from the family;
Who's in charge of each home
or group of related homes, if anyone.
Whose needs and behaviors cause the main decisions in calm and troubled
times?
Relationship
bonds and
boundaries, or lack of them;
The
roles and rules that govern how members' needs get
met - or don't;
Family-member alliances and antagonisms; and ...
Communication
blocks in and between people and homes.
Structural mapping is a visual tool. It can help you identify and validate what's
healthy about your family, and
illuminate structural problems that lower your
nurturance level. The structural mapping scheme
out-lined here is
based on some basic ideas about family functioning.See if you agree
with each of these beliefs, and add your own:
Premises
1) A family's
core purpose is to
fill all
adults' and
children'sneeds. A common
key
need
is for a safe haven, where everymember feels consistently accepted,
valued, respected, supported, and encouraged to
develop and use their unique talents.
Families that don't fill all their
members' key needs consistently can be called low nurturance or dys-functional. The
more of these factors exist, the higher the
nurturance level. Levels vary over time with structural and
environmental changes.
2) The
mainfactorsdetermining a home's or a family’s nurturance level
are...
whether the resident adults are
psychologically
wounded
or not, and...
In my clinical experience since 1981,
many or most American adults
survived low-nurturance child-hoods and have
significant psychological
wounds.
Few - including family-life professionals - are aware of this,
and/or they don't know what it
means or what to
do about it.
Premise 3) All families experience local or chronic
stress over surface
and structural issues like these:
family membership (inclusion and exclusion)
boundaries (missing, weak, or rigid; violations;
and conflicts)
relationship rules and consequences
(unclear, conflicting, inconsistent, and appropriate or not);
adapting to and stabilizing after systemic
and environmental changes.
4)
The key relationship in a family
that includes minor kids should be between mates, vs. an adult and a
child or other adults (like grandparent-parent) or two ex mates. In
resolving family problems, mates should consistently put their
integrities and
wholistic health first, their relationship second, and all else third -
except in emergencies.
5) Family members (like you) can
proactively improve their family's structure and system by taking and
applying their version of this course.
Notice your reaction to
these core premises. If you don't agree with them, what do you
believe?
To use this
visual tool, your adults need some...
Structural-mapping
Symbols
Family-structural maps use
symbols to show how members relate to each other. In this article, I’ll use
the generic letters below. You can use these letters, your family-members’ names or
initials, cartoon figures, faces, or any other meaningful symbols.
Be creative:
doing
these maps can be fun, as well as instructive!
Consider using colored markers or
pens, too - whatever makes the diagrams clearer for everyone. Try to see the
big picture and theme, to minimize getting boggled by all these symbols.
Once you try them, they're surprisingly easy...
Map Symbol
Stands for current nuclear-family member:
P,
M,F, ...
Living Parent, Mother,
and Father
DP, DM, DF
Dead Parent,
Mother, Father
MAFA MW
FW
Addicted or
psychologically-wounded Mother or Father
C1 ,
C2 , T1 , T2
Dependent
(minor) Children and Teens
[P], [M]
or [S];
A [dead]
or [absent] and still psychologically-important Parent,
Mother, or Sibling ... (e.g. an aborted, stillborn, or
grown child).
P<<>>C
Conflicted Parent and Child
[HP],
{God}, [Allah]
The
Higher Power/s
that significantly influence one or more family members, if any.
R1 ,
GM, ...
Key Relative
"1" or a powerful Grandmother, or ...
Fr1 ,
or Pr,or ...
ImportantFriend
"1", or Professional person (priest, counselor, ...)
(Por(C
An excluded
or rejected Parent or
Child.
P1 ||
P2
orM !! F
Two
parents
with ineffective verbal communications.
(P+C1
) or (C1+C2)
Psychologically
over-involved(enmeshed orcodependent) Parent and Child "1", or
enmeshed Children "1" and "2."
"__________"
and
" _ _ _ _ _"
Family
responsibility lines. Put people above the line who have the most
consistent impact in directing current household residents’ feelings, actions,
and attention. Ideally, all resident parents would be always above the line, and minor
kids below.
Dashed responsibility lines signify generally open adult-child communi-cations. A solid line means communications are blocked (people above
and below the line don’t disclose honestly,
hear
well, or
problem-solve effective-ly).
Now let's see how to use these (or similar) symbols in...
Sample
Family-Structure Maps
These examples are based on the premises above.
Recall: "family
structure" refers to home and family membership, leadership, roles (responsibilities),
boundaries, and communications. We’ll start with
high-nurturance (functional) family map, and then show some of the many kinds of
dysfunctional
(low nur-turance) biofamily structures.
Again:the
purpose of
these maps is to show simply and concisely whether a given home or
multi-home nuclear family is
organized in a healthy way or not. Use them to help discuss and improve your
fa-mily’s nurturance level, not to expose,
attack, or ridicule any members.
1) Baseline:
A high-nurturance, intact nuclear
bio(logical)-family Structure
God
M F
- - - - - -
C C
Religious Mother
and Father are co-equally in charge of their home ("above
the line"), and not enmeshed or addicted. Communication is open between all adults and minor kids. Family roles
(responsibilities) are clear to everyone. Kids are encouraged to be kids, vs.
little adults. There are no interfering relatives or other people, and no one is demoted
below the line,
excluded, exalted above the line, absent, enmeshed, or ad-dicted. Household emotional boundaries
(the dashed box) are open,
so friends, kin, and ideas freely enter and leave, yet there are clear limits.
2) Baseline:
A High-nurturance, Intact Extended-biofamily Structure
GF1 [GM1]
M
F
- - - - - -
C C
GF2
GM2
A2
U2
- - - - - -
C C C
This is a
four-home 13-member multi-generational ("extended") biological
family system. It includes a married couple with two minor kids,
three living grandparents, one dead and influential grandmother, and
an aunt and uncle in charge of their three minor kids, all living in
four separate homes. Grandfather "2" is the most powerful adult in
the extended family, and influences most major decisions. No one is
enmeshed, excluded, addicted, wounded, or dubbed a "black sheep."
Each home affects the others and is a subsystem of the whole
system. Each home has its own structure.
Their are no addicts, wounded adults, or major conflicts in any
homes. All four homes have roles and rules that determine how members
act toward each other in normal and special times. God does
not have a major influence on this extended family, nor do any non-members.
In real life, most extended-family maps like these are more complex (and more
dysfunctional).
8) Enmeshed
Mom
and controlling child; no parental teamwork or problem solving
9) Enmeshed
Mom
and (non-resident) Uncle; Biofather
dead but still key; kids feel unheard
C F C M C
10)
Regressed or overwhelmed Parents. Nobody is con-sistently in
charge of the home (no adult-child responsi-bility line): All family members are
isolated from outsiders (solid border).
(M+C+R+F+C)
11) Similar, including a
resident Relative; Everyone is en-meshed
and chaotic: no effective personal boundaries, and no clear
family roles.
Mates have no private time or space. Adults are kids'
buddies, not parents.
With some imagination, you can see that these are only a few of the
many biofamily structures possible! How would you map the family that you grew up in?
Over time, it probably had several key structures. Family structures change each
time someone is born, dies (including abortions and stillbirths), leaves home, reaches
puberty, moves back home, becomes seriously ill or injured, gets married, and so on.
4) Typical
Low-Nurturance Two-home Separated
or Divorcing Family Structure
Separation and
legal (vs. psychological) divorce restructure a biological family.
The family system now includes the people, roles, rules, coalitions,
communication, and boundaries in each of two related household systems.
Early in a divorce process, key relatives, friends, supporters, and
professionals (like counselors, mediators, and attorneys) affect the
family's functioning, and should be included in a structural map.
Divorce always
indicates
wounded, unaware
adults and a low-nurturance family system.
M
- - - - - -
C ... C
>>>||<<<
FA
---------
Mom
has legal and physical custody, and controls her home (is above the line). Arrows show
regular child visitation
with their addicted Father, who is in
charge of his home when the kids come to stay; but communications with his kids are
blocked (solid line). Ongoing two-way hostility, poor communi-cations, and
conflicts between
bioparents, with the kids caught in the middle. No significantly intrusive
or dependent relatives
There are
many variations of this two-home
divorcing biofamily, considering
who’s in charge in each home; the numbers, ages, and "parentification" of
older kids (i.e. being above the parental responsibility line); the availability and
involvement of nurturing kin; and how the "sending" home restructures if some of
the kids go visit, but some stay. The custodial bioparent is often overwhelmed, and may
"promote" an older child above the line to co-control the home. Or
s/he
may hire day-care or live-in help (who should be included in the structural map).
If you divorced, what did (or does) your two-home biofamily structure look
like? Did (does) it have several structures? Who was in charge of each home when
the kids were there?
Recap
This Lesson-5
article defines "family" and "family structure," and offers several basic
premises about families. It shows some generic family-mapping symbols,
and illustrates how to diagram (map) the struc-ture of high (functional)
and low-nurturance biofamilies.
Coupled with
family-systems knowledge, structural mapping is a
tool that can help healthy, informed adult members visualize and discuss how
their nuclear or extended family is "built" - and identify and solve
structural problems.
If you want to map a
multi-home nuclear stepfamily, see this related
article.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's
answering these questions - your
true Self, or
''someone else''?
his
article wasvery
helpful somewhat
helpful not
helpful>>
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/fam/map.htm
About Family
Structure
