Q2)
What's the difference between sensuality and
sexuality?
Answer this out loud, and the compare your ideas to
these: Sensuality refers to being
receptive to sensory information - sights, sounds,
touches, smells, temperatures, movements, pain, and
pleasure. Sensitivity can mean "the
degree of sensuality (low > high)," and/or "feeing
locally or chronically empa-thic with a person or
group.
Sexuality refers to attitudes, values,
preferences, and behaviors that cause sexual desire,
arousal, intercourse (sometimes), and potential
orgasms. Healthy newborns have instinctual impulses
to pleasure themselves sensually, and later as teens
to copulate and reproduce.
Our ancestors, religions, and the media barrage
young people with confusing messages and stimuli
which induce significant guilt, shame, anxiety, and
confusion about sensuality and sexuality, These
pro-mote deception, repression, affairs, and "sexual
dysfunction." The root causes are psychological
wounds and unawareness, and societal denials.
The formation of a person's "sexual identity"
(their sexual values, preferences, impulse-controls,
and boundaries) is a complex multi-year process that
is partly genetic and partly environmental. Our
cul-ture is gradually relaxing fierce inherited
sexual repressions and shame, tho some conservative
religious denominations and scriptures still
righteously justify and foster these.
Clearly
distinguishing sensuality from sexuality
can help couples identify and express their needs,
and avoid and resolve blocks to healthy shared
intimacy. Are your family members clear on
this distinc-tion?
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Q3)
What's required for sexual harmony between partners?
This varies by couple, but some requisites are
common. Try answering this question out loud, and
then compare your answer to this opinion: each
partner...
-
is usually
by their
and is able to
feel pleasure without guilt or shame;
-
sees needs for
sensuality and sexuality as normal and healthy,
not shameful or "dirty;"
-
has
equal respect for themselves and their
partner, as a person, a fe/male, and a
partner;
-
is steadily
comfortable with their body and their gender,
vs. ashamed and/or guilty;
-
knows how to
communicate, assert needs, exchange feedback,
and problem-solve effectively - in general, and
about sexual needs and concerns (ref
and each partner...
-
learns and accepts
the sensual/sexual values and preferences of
their partner, and wants to please her or him
without violating someone's integrity. This
includes knowing and accepting gender differ-ences
in sexual responses and needs, and respecting
their partner's "not being in the mood" at
times;
-
is knowledgeable
about, and attentive to, sexual health and safety;
-
is physically
healthy and balanced (minimally stressed); and
ideally each person...
-
lives in a
high-nurturance family and community which
respect and promote healthy, responsible sensuality and
sexuality.
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Q5) What is
sexual abuse?
What if any of our
family adults was, or may have been, sexually abused as a child?
Abuse
is an
emotionally-provocative word which is often misused. Unless three conditions
are clearly present,
aggression is more accurate and less
inflammatory.
Sexual abuse occurs when someone...
-
intentionally satisfies their
sensual/sexual and control needs with an unwilling, unaware, defenseless
person...
-
in a way that significantly harms
that person physically, mentally, psychologically, and/or
in someone's opinion; and...
-
the victim cannot
(vs. will not) flee or defend themselves against this trauma.
Sexual molestation involves skin contact.
Other sexual abuse may not.
For example, forcing or encouraging a child to watch or hear adult sexual
behavior, shaming or punishing kids for normal sexual curiosity, adults
openly exposing or playing with genitals, providing misleading or no
sexual information and guidance, and verbally overfocusing on sexual
things in everyday life can be sexually abusive.
If any of your family adults were, or may have been, sexually
abused as a child, and they got no competent professional help
to heal the resulting psycho-spiritual trauma, it's very likely they...
-
came from a
childhood,
-
are unaware of major
psychological
and their
-
may be
and/or obese; may...
-
have some kind of
sexual dysfunction, and they...
-
need to learn about
and reduce significant psychological
.
These
factors can unintentionally promote sexual
trauma and/or block healthy sexual awareness and judgment in a
dependent child.
I recommend assessing
for ancestral sexual abuse as part of your checking
for psychological wounding
For
more perspective on abuse, see
this.
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Q6)
What is
sexual addiction?
If a family
member seems to be sexually addicted, what are our
op-tions?
Sexual addiction uses
sensual or sexual fantasies, arousal, and orgasm to temporarily
self-medi-cate against
inner pain. It may cause
injury to one's self (physical abuse) or to a
defenseless person.
Each
of the
of addiction is a
strong sign of
and a low-nurturance
child-hood.
Often the mate of an addict becomes obsessed with
on) their partner's behavior and
welfare because of her or his own inner wounds. This lowers the
family's
which promo-tes
psychological
in dependent kids.
COSA
is a 12-step
support
program for partners of sex ad-dicts.
Since 1935, the 12-step
Alcoholics Anonymous philosophy and programs have helped
millions of people around the world control (vs. cure)
addictions.
Currently, these programs don't
acknowledge the psychological wounds and unawareness
that cause addictions, so they only promote preliminary vs.
full
"Evidence: typical addicts have to keep attending 12-step meetings and
diligently working their "program" to prevent
resuming addictive attitudes and behaviors
("relapsing").
In recent generations, several different 12-step programs
have evolved to help sex-addicts control their compulsion/s: Sex
Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sex and Love Addicts
Anonymous
(SLAA), and
Sexaholics Anonymous
(SA). They differ
in some beliefs (moderate to rigid) and recovery
priorities. Sexual addiction's prevalence has justified The
Society for the Advancement of
Sexual Health (SASH). There are many
helpful sites now on the Internet - search on "sex addicts,"
"sexual addiction," and "compulsive sex."
Help each other to stay aware:
any past or present addiction indicates
family dysfunction! For more perspective
and options about addiction and recovery, see
this.
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Q7)
What are
incest and the incest taboo?
Like rape, abuse, illegitimate,
abortion, and
addiction,
incest is an
emotionally-explosive concept and word, so it's important to know
what it means and to use it appropriately. Traditionally, incest refers to sexual intercourse between genetically-related people
like siblings or a child and an adult relative.
Tradition across ages and
cultures has consistently prohibited such intercourse (taboo) because it promotes genetically-damaged
children and related social problems. Siblings who grow up together
seem to automatically have little sexual interest in each other, or
at least muted desire. There are exceptions.
Incest may or may not be sexual abuse (Q5), depending on
whether both people are old enough to know what
they're doing, and freely consent to it.
Some people use incest to mean intercourse between any
unmarried people, or any adult and child. In the context of this Website,
the real
issues are...
-
_ who uses the term
"incest," _ why, and _
what effect thinking or speaking the term has on family
relationships and
and...
-
if there is
unhealthy sexual behavior in a
(like incest)...
-
what is it,
specifically;
-
what (vs. who) causes it
(usually psychological wounds + unawareness),
-
how is it impacting
family members and the family's functioning, and...
-
what does each affected
person need for
and balance?
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Q9)
I get upset when my partner flirts with other
people, but s/he won't stop.
What can I
do?
Conflict over excessive or compulsive "flirting" can be caused by:
one or both of you being
controlled by a
(ref.
and...
you two being unable to
effectively, including...
-
not
as partners to unearth the
that cause
the flirting and your responses to it, and/or...
-
you not
your primary needs and
effectively;
-
being unable to maintain a mutual two-person
and...
-
not having a workable strategy for resolving
and
conflicts and
relationship
yet; and
possibly. (ref
your partner's governing subselves don't
really
and your
relationship second (after their
and
which may mean...
one or both of you chose
the wrong
to commit to, for the
wrong
at the wrong
and are experiencing painful results.
If this doesn't provide some
useful insights and options, study and discuss
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Q10)
Our family adults have major
disputes over teaching our minor kids about healthy sexual
realities, values, and behaviors. How can we
resolve this?
Options:
each of you adults honestly for psychological
If you
find any, evolve and work a high-priority self-motivated
plan
with your
in charge.
See
Take this communication-basics
quiz, and compare results.
Then discuss and try out these options for
improving communications. See
Your real problem may be
you're trying to resolve this family problem
Discuss these articles on...
top
Answers continue on page 2.
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Updated
November 18, 2011
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The Web address
of this two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/fam/sex.htm
Perspective
Selected
Q&A on Family 
General Q&A