Q&A about subselves, continued...  

  Where Did My Subselves Come From?

       It seems that we're born with the neural capacity to develop subselves or parts, like seeds, specially the Managers. Inner Children and their devoted Guardian parts seem to develop after some major trauma-tic incidents or periods that we experience, usually as infants and pre-teens. These are times we felt agonizingly hurt, shamed, confused, stressed, or terrified by caregivers, teachers, strangers, animals, and/or Nature.

        Often these traumas are so shocking and painful [e.g. abandonments (neglect) and sexual abuse] that protective subselves cause us to "forget" they happened. The personality fragments (parts) that ap-pear after these events seem to never forget, tirelessly guarding us against similar wounding and harm long after any real threat is gone. When feeling safe, subselves will usually tell or show what "started" them, and when, via thoughts, memories, and/or flashbacks.

       Often, Inner Kids are the same age as we were as real children when some great pain, shame, or terror occurred. Gently educating them and their steadfast Guardians and moving subselves to the present when all subselves feel safe enough, can permanently end harmful obsessions, compulsions, and other habits.

       For example: how does a child cope with the searing pains of feeling repeatedly ignored, ridiculed, or beaten by an essential caregiver? S/He can unconsciously develop a subself which aims to guard her from ever really trusting and relying on, and being shamed or hurt by, any adult male or female. Other subselves may oppose this, and strive for healthy relationships with safe adults.

        This creates a draining inner tension s/he may not be consciously aware of. It can cause the grow-ing child to "endlessly" feel exhausted, irritable, depressed, and to have dissatisfying "approach-avoid" roller-coaster relationships "over and over"...

       Meeting all subselves respectfully and patiently, bringing any "stuck" parts safely into the present, and making peace between conflicted subselves to let the wise resident Self (capital "S") guide them offers potential healing for such painful, depressing, unconscious struggles.

 What Do My Subselves Want?

       Every subself seems devoted to keeping themselves and their host person safe from pain and harm - as they define "safe." They strive fiercely to keep their roles or "jobs" intact, and to be free to use their gifts productively. Typical inner-family members long to be recognized, trusted, respected, and apprecia-ted for what they're trying to do for us. In early parts work, some subselves typically fear that other parts or an external person will misunderstand and dislike them, and want to "fire," kill, or banish them.

       Such anxious parts can resist your meeting or disclosing your inner teams (inner voices: "What stupidity! A real waste of time! Don't be a jerk! You're weird! This'll never work! Stop! You'll uncover a horror you can't handle! You'll flip out!") Or they can try to hide themselves by blocking any thoughts, sensations, images, or inwardly saying "I won’t talk to you or let you 'see' me!" These are normal de-fenses, which subside as subselves come to trust that they and you are really safe.

       Protective subselves can also be terrified that if you explore your inner world you'll find and "free" a paralyzed part they see as very dangerous to you or them. Patience, empathy, and safe risk-takings change this. Other inner-team members, specially young ones, will welcome you ("I've waited SO long to be noticed and cared for! Please don't leave me!")

  If I Have All These Subselves, Who am "I, Myself" - Who's ME?

       At first, inner-family terms can be confusing. Me, my self (little "s"), and I each can mean all your physical, emotional, and spiritual parts together: the whole person called by your name. Those titles may also mean (a) your Self (capital "S" - your resident inner-family leader); or (b) the subselves who have lo-cally blended with (taken over) your Self.

        Recall: when anxious, distrustful subselves overwhelm or merge with your Self, you may experience their  feelings, thoughts, and goals as "me." They are not you as a whole. If another subself controls your Self, "I" and "Me" refer to the controlling subself, not your Self or you as a whole person. Confusions sub-side when your Self is free, trusted by all other parts, and consistently in charge

       Incidentally, Manager subselves can take over your Self just like Inner Kids and their Guardians. Know anyone who's "always in their head"? Their true Self is probably controlled by their distrustful Ana-lyzer,  and a protective Numb-er (Guardian) who may fear that allowing emotions would be disastrous to the whole person. Can you think of someone constantly obsessed with others' opinions and being "right"? Their Self may be "always" controlled by an alliance of their hyper-anxious Critic, Perfectionist, and Shamed Child.

 What's My True Self Like?

 Recall: your self (little "s") refers to [ all your subselves + body + spirit or soul ] together.

       Like all personality parts, your Self (capital "S") has special abilities. S/He is not more powerful or worthy than any other subself. Your Self's main natural talent and desire is to be an effective leader for all your subselves, in most situations. As such, her or his gifts and goals are to...

• Perceive current situations realistically in light of your knowledge, major abilities, limitations, and short and long-term goals,

• Seek and evaluate the counsel of inner and outer advisors as time and circumstances permit, and...

• Calmly...

  • delegate and coordinate other subselves in making clear, wise decisions from a wide-angle, long-term perspective; and then...

  • acting on the decisions, and...

  • responding effectively to the environment's reactions.

       Your Self is like a naturally talented musical conductor, drama director, jet pilot, congregational leader, or athletic-team coach. S/He decodes sensory information - perhaps with help from other sub-selves, skillfully clarifies and communicates goals, resolves impasses, delegates responsibilities, and builds morale and teamwork.

        Your Self can give recognition and praise, coach, and make artistic, complex, and tough judgments well, in most situations. When trusted by all other parts and free to lead, s/he can reliably counsel, en-courage, and empower other confused or overexcited parts in all kinds of life situations. As s/he does these, s/he feels the full range of human emotions like all other subselves.

       Can you imagine having such a leader in charge of your Life? Can you feel when s/he is in charge? At any moment, your Self may be...

• free to lead and coordinate, or...

• strongly influenced by (blended with), or...

• overwhelmed or paralyzed by other distrustful or over-excited subselves.

       Unlike a talented coach, CEO, or musical conductor, your true Self s/he can't fire or sanction rebel-lious team members. S/He can't stop other parts from interfering or taking control. There is no board of directors or police s/he can appeal to. S/He needs trust and willing co-operation from your other parts to be really effective for them and you. 

        Other subselves can come to believe in the judgment and leadership of your Self only from exper-ience. They then want to follow her or him from respect and trust rather than fear, resignation, or duty.

       As an eye can't behold itself without a mirror, your Self can't "see" itself in an inner image. S/He is the see-er. So if you work with your inner family and image "your Self," know that it's another subself. If your (unblended) Self says "I," it may refer to your whole person or your Self alone. This gets clearer as you do more inner-family harmonizing.

       Some theorize that we have an inner family or "cast of characters" without a leading Self. Our momen-tary thoughts, feelings, and actions are a blend of all our parts, who get along by group consensus as some communes and organizations do. Leader Self or inner-family consensus - which concept fits better for you? From doing inner-family therapy since 1992, I believe that we each do have a skillful and dedicated executive Self. Once aware of the concept, most of my clients have agreed intuitively, and later from inner-family experience.

  How Do I Know When My true Self Is In Charge?

       Do you have periods of feeling some of these? How often do you get them? Would you like them more often? Many psychologically- wounded people have rarely or never experienced a clear-minded period of time when their true Self was solidly in charge. Understandably, such people may not relate to, or defen-sively scoff at the idea that such inner harmony is an actual option for them or anyone.

        Another way to judge who's leading your or another person's personality is to look for telltale atti-tudes and behaviors like these. For more detail on behavioral symptoms of the six psychological condi-tions that indicate false-self dominance, see these Lesson-1 checklists.

 How Do Parts Behave?

       A true story: A  30-something single Mom with a very responsible, stressful managerial job began to develop severe back pains that woke her up in the middle of most nights. As she tried to fall asleep again, she usually experienced "mind racing," obsessing on the chaos at work, and the difficult situations she faced both there and personally. Her doctor and a chiropractor could find nothing physically wrong. Medi-tation, aspirin, and prayer didn't help.

       She was becoming more and more exhausted, irritable, and distracted both at work and with her early-teen daughter and friends. Respectful inner-family inquiries revealed a subself who said clearly it was responsible for the back pain and mind-racing.

        It gave her the image of a hulking teenage boy. He said he knew he was causing the woman dis-tress and pain, but saw no other way to ensure that she had enough time to carefully think through the next day's activities.

       "Hulk" only vaguely knew of her Self, and had no trust that it or any other subself could reliably pro-tect her against "failing" and being humiliated and shamed at work. It developed that the woman had a very young part that believed she was "no good," and the "Hulk" was devoted to protecting that Shamed Child.

        When respectfully acknowledged, "the Hulk" was willing to meet with the woman's Self and other competent Manager subselves. Over time, Hulk said he was willing to try to let them prepare adequately for the day's work. Her back pains stopped immediately, and stayed gone.

        For more perspective, review these common subself traits.

  Is There Any Danger In Meeting My Inner Family?

       No! At first, your Guardians and Inner Kids may feel alarmed and distrustful, and strongly resist. As they gradually come to trust that your intent is to learn about, appreciate, and help each subself use its gifts fully and effectively, and to reduce inner and outer conflict and stress, their resistances shift to en-thusiastic co-operation. In ignorance, our (wounded) culture links "personality fragmenting" (protective subself formation) with "mental illness," "sickness," and "craziness." Wrong! - Reality distortions and unawareness at work...

       People who show extreme false-self chaos ("Multiple Personality Disorder") are usually misunder-stood and feared. The idea that we all have a group of "subselves within" is not yet commonly considered, much less accepted.

        When first hearing the idea, many people are naturally skeptical, scornful, or amused by the idea (how about you?). This may be one or more of their scared parts doing their defensive job well. It also may be that such people truly "have it (their inner family) together (harmonious)."

       Some people (i.e. their Child and Guardian subselves) fear that doing parts work will unleash some awful "force," "demons," indefinable, destructive "things," or overwhelming feelings. In 19 years of doing inner-family therapy with scores of men and women and some kids, I have never seen this happen or heard reports of it from clinical colleagues.

        When your subselves clearly believe your Self is strong, wise, and trustworthy enough, repressed ex-periences and the memories and feelings attached to them can be safely experienced and released. Such recall often signals breaking old, protective emotional denials, and thawing long-frozen grief.

       These are tolerably uncomfortable, healing instances. From 19 years' experience, I believe that over time, such releases can free many people from unconscious bondage to some (not all) physical condi-tions like chronic pain, asthma, headaches, and insomnia; emotional states like panic or rage attacks, depressions, "hyperactivity," "seasonal affective" and '"bipolar" disorders, or "numbness"; or destructive habits like some obsessions, compulsive pessimism or idealism, addictions, over-isolation, and self-sa-botage. Some of these do involve organic factors and genetic predispositions - and there is clear evidence that subselves interact with our body's organs, cells, and functioning.

        Doing inner-family ("parts") work is fail-safe: you (your parts) control it. You do only what you wish, when you wish, and how you wish it. This work is not magic or a cure-all. It is often an effective way for Self-motivated people to grow more serenity, confidence, productivity, and enjoyment in their life, over time.

        Parts-work can often help explain and reduce some vexing relationship problems, including code-pendence, marital conflicts, and parent-child struggles, when both partners use it cooperatively and re-spectfully. Partners who help each other harmonize their respective inner teams can have an excep-tionally strong, rich relationship. So can co-parents and kids!    

  Do Your and My Personality Parts Interact?

       All the time! My young subselves and their Guardians are regularly activated by perceived threats of attack or rejection by "you" (your subselves), and vice versa. People with a history of relationship struggles may have seldom or never experienced a steady pairing of (my Self is in charge) and (your Self is in charge) with a friend, lover/partner, or ex mate.

       In their useful paperback Embracing Each Other, psychologists and inner "voice- dialog" pioneers Hal and Sidra Stone explore this topic in depth. After 31 years' clinical study, they propose that people with disowned (repressed or denied) parts are compulsively drawn to successive partners who have a very ac-tive similar part. 

        These repressed inner-family members are often self-judged as unlikable or repulsive, selfish, pro-fane, brazen, dishonest, preachy, lazy, or the like. By consciously meeting and compassionately accep-ting our disowned parts and not letting them dominate our Self, our relationship compulsions (e.g. ap-proach-avoid cycles, coddependence, and over-controlling) fade.

        From an inner-family perspective, all local and repeated relationship problems have three parts: (a) conflicts among my subselves (inner-family conflicts), (b) disputes among yours, and (c) clashes between your subselves and mine. Imagine you and other people cooperating to resolve all three concurrent strug-gles using...

• true-Self leadership and

• mutual respect, and...

• inner-family awareness and acceptance, and...

• the seven communication skills in Lesson 2. 

Notice your self-talk (thoughts and feelings) now...           

        Many of the stressful "automatic" communication patterns we have with special kids and adults be-come clear and can improve when seen via parts work. For instance: Jack is attracted to Anita emotionally (Adult Man, Needy Boy, and Good Father parts) and sexually (Lusting older-teen part). Anita responds un-consciously to each of these with four complementary parts: her Adult Woman, Good Mom, Lonely Girl, and Sensual female parts.

       If Jack seems to pull away, Anita's Lonely Girl gets scared and sad (based on early real emotional abandonment by her father). One or several distrustful Guardians quickly activate in response. They blend with her Self, and "make" Anita be shaming, seductive, rejecting, abusive, controlling, and/or pitiable.

       Jack can respond to these behaviors in many ways. If Anita's Protector-part is a Guilt Tripper, Jack's sensitive Shamed Boy  will feel awful. His People-Pleaser  Guardian will spring to life, and has Jack apolo-gize to Anita and become attentive again. Her Scared Girl is reassured, so the Guilt Tripper stands down, freeing Anita's Self. His Shamed Boy gradually feels better, and his Pleaser gives way to his Adult Man and true Self.

This whole sequence might take two weeks or five minutes. Without awareness of their parts' com-plex interactions and their respective Selves being disabled, Jack and Anita's relationship goes on until the next version of this (or another) avoid-approach cycle repeats. Seen this way, there is no "Jack and Anita."         There are over 10 normal subselves interacting together to create a complex and dynamic relation-ship between "two people." If not controlled by other subselves, true Selves are often adept at managing all this with respect, humor, patience, and wisdom, to help each person fill their current primary needs well enough.

       Similar cycles occur in all relationships: friend-friend, clerk-customer, parent-child, boss-employee, student-teacher, and so on. Larger groups like physical families become stunningly complex, if members' Selves aren't regularly in charge. Few of us are aware of the amazing interactions that happen at lightning speed within and between us. Does this make sense to you?

  Summing up

       The Lesson-1 Web articles propose what happens to typical kids raised in a low-nurturance environ-ment: they automatically develop a set of semi-independent personality subselves - a false self - to survive. The articles introduce the idea of an inner family of personality parts or subselves, which probably corres-pond to different brain regions. 

        Other researchers call these alters, aspects, (personality) sides, ego states, moods, character flaws, minds, subpersonalities, potentials, and many more. Our inner-family dynamics strongly affect our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and often our bodily health, moment to moment and over time. These stea-dily shape and affect our key relationships. Most of us aren't aware of our resident family or team, often leaving it chaotic, leaderless, and very ineffective - even self-harmful.

       Each person's subselves are unique, yet they perform common functions for typical people. The func-tions fall into three or four groups: Managers, Inner Kids and their Guardians - and probably Spiritual Ones. All our parts mean us well, though some can be misinformed, untrusting, and fiercely rigid, until they get help. Some subselves live in the past, unaware that their original danger is long gone.

Selected Resources

If you're interested in safely meeting your inner crew and discovering who's coaching them, see the Lesson-1 guidebook Who's Really Running Your Life?, or this series of Web pages on inner-family therapy ("parts work").        So far, there are relatively few lay publications on our inner family. One ex-cellent, clear paperback is "Embracing Our Selves" by Hal Stone, Ph.D. and Sidra Winkleman, Ph.D. (New World Library, 1989). It gives clear, thorough, ab-sorbing descriptions of "voice dialog" work with our inner parts - and those in important other people in your life. An early classic about personality subselves is "I'm OK - You're OK," by Dr. Thomas Harris.

       Another helpful, more basic paperback is "Healing The Family Within," by Robert Subby (1990). See also the 1992 paperback "How To Love Yourself When You Don't Know How - Healing All Your Inner Children," by Jacqui Bishop and Mary Grunte.

        A powerful true chronicle of extreme false-self dominance - true multiple personality disorder - is in Truddi Chase's extraordinary paperback "When Rabbit Howls" (Jove Books, New York, 1987). Not for the faint hearted ...

        For more serious readers, I highly recommend Dr. Richard Schwartz's pioneering works "Internal Family Systems Therapy" (Guilford Press, New York, 1995); and "The Mosaic Mind - Empowering The Tormented Selves of Child Abuse Survivors" (with Regina A. Goulding - W.W. Norton, & Co., New York, 1995). Schwartz's latest book for lay readers is very clear and reader-friendly: "Introduction to the Internal Family Systems Model;" Trailhead Publications, Oak Park, lL; 2001;

       John Rowan provides a compelling historical look at how many researchers and therapists, including Carl Jung, have concluded modular personalities and parts are common, in "Subpersonalities - the People Within Us." (Routledge, London and New York,1990). He also gives us "Discover Your Personalities - Our Inner World, and the People in It" (Routledge, 1993). Rowan documents 25 different clinical terms for what Schwartz calls "parts." 

        Another authoritative book is The Search for Our Real Self - Unmasking the Personality Disorders of Our Age, by James F. Masterson, MD (Free Press, reprinted 1990).

        Note that most of these books have been published since 1990.

        These and other recommended titles are listed here and here.

If your true Self isn't usually directing your Life… who IS?

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Updated  December 14, 2011