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This is one of a series of lesson-6 articles
on how to parent effectively - specially after divorce.
This
article assumes you're familiar
with...
-
the
intro to this nonprofit site and the
premises
underlying it,
-
self-improvement
(or 7 if you're in a stepfamily);
-
Q&A about
ex-mate relations and
options for improving them;
-
perspective on fear of
abandonment;
and....
-
ways to
analyze and
resolve most relationship
problems
|
What's the Problem?
Minor kids of divorced parents suffer in several ways if their
noncustodial (absent) parent shows no genuine interest in them:
-
they're shamed by the implied message “You’re not important
(to me).”
-
the child may be deprived of vital modeling
and developmental nurturance of their absent father or mother unless
provided by another same-gender adult;
-
their custodial parent, their stepparent (if
any), and some relatives may scorn their other parent and declare or
imply "S/He's a bad person." This creates...
-
the custodial parent and their new partner
(the child's stepparent) may argue over how to respond to the
"disinterested ex" - specially if the ex mate doesn't pay appropriate
child support.
These interactive problems raise
home and family stress and lower the family's nurturance level. That
promotes psychological
in dependent kids.
A typical response to these problems is to blame the "disinterested"
adult as being "irresponsible," "uncaring," and "a bad parent." A better
option is to try and understand their behavior and set respectful
limits with them. Their "disinterest" is probably a symptom of several
things average parents are unaware of:
psychological wounds + shame + guilt
+ incomplete grief + ignorance + disrespectful, combative behavior by their
ex.
Often, the custodial parent also has many of these stressors, and
denies or minimizes that. Their kids are trapped in a low-nurturance
family whose adults inherited the [wounds + unawareness]
from their ancestors.
What can typical biofamily and stepfamily adults do to minimize the impact
of these combined stressors?
Options
If you're conflicted by a "disinterested" (inactive, uninvolved) bioparent,
try describing your adults' and kids' current ways of coping with that. Is
this way working (reducing family stress)?
Adopt the open mind of a student and compare your current strategy to these
practical alternatives:
-
the problem from "the disinterested ('bad') ex mate" to "our family-system's dysfunction."
This may reduce the ex's defensiveness and any hostility by "sharing the
blame";
-
review
and discuss the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
that is probably stressing all of you - including the ex mate. This will
prepare you to...
-
whether the "disinterested" parent
is a
(GWC). If s/he is, change any scorn
(disrespect) to empathy and compassion. This does not mean you
have to accept the ex's behaviors;
-
assess the other parent for
over their divorce-related
Incomplete grief usually indicates
inherited psychological wounds and unawareness, and a family "anti-grief"
-
honestly assess whether the custodial
co-parent/s' attitudes
(e.g. disrespect, blame, and lack of empathy) and
(e.g. aggression, blaming, whining, lecturing, and/or communication
are promoting
the ex's "disinterest" (avoidance);
-
evolve a family strategy for
managing
significant
and relationship
and invite all
family members - including older kids - to adopt and implement the
strategy;
-
if part of "the ex mate problem"
involves money (e.g. inadequate financial child support),
identify and resolve the
underlying real problems.
-
avoid using the legal system to force the ex mate to "parent
responsibly." Using legal
force will polarize the family;
increase everyone's anxiety, resentment, distrust, and
disrespect; and stress the kids. Hiring lawyers always
indicates psychological wounds and an inability to
-
family adults pay steady attention to identifying and
filling each dependent child's developmental and
family-adjustment needs
over time - as teammates, not opponents. Watch for and resolve
co-parenting
-
custodial co-parents (including
stepparents) regularly reaffirm their family
and their
to avoid probable re/divorce.
And finally...
Pause and
reflect - how do you feel about these options? Is there anything that
prevents your family adults from acting on them now? Your living and
unborn kids silently depend on all of you grownups to do so.
For more perspective, learn about Parental Alienation
Syndrome (PAS).
Recap
This
Lesson-6 article proposes...
-
four ways that a non-custodial divorced parent's
"disinterest" in their child/ren
lowers their family's nurturance level; and...
-
a family-system explanation for typical parental "disinterest,"
and..
-
options family members can take to minimize
its impact.
Recall why you read this article. Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
