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This is one of a series of lesson-6 articles
on how to identify and fill minor kids' needs for two decades while
filling your own well enough. From 30 years' clinical experience and
research, this article offers practical keys to avoiding and resolving most
divorce-related parenting disputes - like battles over child custody,
visitation, responsibilities, and financial support.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
What's
the Problem?
Millions of American parents separate and divorce every year. A large
percentage of them disagree over child custody, visitations, financial
support, holidays, religion, vacations, health, education, activi-ties, and who is the more
effective parent. They also disagree over informal and legal
parenting agree-ments that define which parent is responsible for what with
each minor child.
These parenting disputes range from trivial to bitter, verbal to legal, and
episodic to chronic. They often polarize families into combative camps,
which compounds the disagreements and stresses every-one - specially the
minor kids involved. These disputes lower the family's
which puts kids at risk of developmental slowdown and psychological
Major divorce-related parenting disputes involve lawyers,
mediators, mental-health evaluators, social workers, and family-court judges.
This can amplify and prolong family combat because of these "outsi-ders'" differing
opinions, values, and advice.
Many divorcing parents have trouble keeping relationship disputes and frustrations separate
from parenting disagreements. Another major factor in family disputes is
the age, gender, and personalities of minor kids. They can vary from passive
and quiet to reactive, outspoken, opinionated, and aggressive. They may
favor one parent over the other. The same is
true of relatives and inlaws - specially grandpar-rents.
It's estimated that well over half of divorcing American parents commit to a new mate within
several years of their separation, forming or expanding a
Their
new partner may or may not have kids of their own and one or more ex mates.
Stepparents have their own needs and agenda, and may or may not
support their mate against "the other parent."
Typical stepfamily
and
relationships are exceptionally complicated and conflictual.
Adults and kids
face a range of alien new
that they usually aren't prepared to
resolve effectively. Few clinical and legal professionals are trained to
provide effective help. U.S. re/divorce
rates are estimated to be higher (60+ %) than first divorces (45-50%). Most
of them are stepfamilies.
|
 Typical
post-divorce parenting disputes are hard to resolve because that
average family members and supporters struggle over a range of surface problems
(symptoms). They're unaware of the primary problems that cause these
stressors, so the symptoms keep recurring. This puts de-pendent kids at significant risk of inheriting the toxic
of the epidemic [wounds + unawareness]
that is
inexorably weakening our
society. |
Bottom line - parenting minor kids
is a multi-decade challenge under the best circumstances. It is
a far greater challenge during family reorganization from divorce and
stepfamily formation.
Before reading further, pause and reflect: what do you think
really causes most conflict over parenting in divorcing families?
Compare your ideas to these:
The Primary Problems
If
disputes about child custody, visitation, holidays,
vacations, financial support, education, religion, socializing, hobbies,
discipline, loyalties, and health are all superficial, what are the
underlying real prob-lems adults need to resolve? From 30 years'
experience as a family-systems therapist with hundreds of divorcing
families and stepfamilies, I propose that the root causes are a mix of
these:
__ 1)
The master problem is that
average family adults are unaware of the lethal [wounds + unaware-ness]
cycle passing down and harming their generations, and no one is
them to this. That means...
__ 2) One or more divorcing
parents - and usually other family adults - are psychologically
and unaware of what that
or what to
about it. Key family
advisors and supporters may be significantly wounded and unaware also.
__ 3) Typical divorcing
parents and other family adults and supporters are unaware of key
(including these primary problems), and _ they don't know what
they don't know or _ what their ignorance means for themselves and their
descendents. Their lack of knowledge promotes...
__ a) complaining, blaming, guilts,
shame, fighting, arguing, and avoiding, vs. effective thinking and
win-win
Related problems are inability to separate
surface needs from primary needs, and marital problems from parenting ones;
__ b) an inability to admit and
resolve interactive
to harmonious ex-mate and par-ent-child
relations;
__ c) an inability to spot
and cooperatively resolve inevitable family
and
con-flicts and
toxic
__ d)
of
personal and family
(broken bonds) in family adults and kids.
This cause a web of other problems, like "rageaholism,"
addictions, "depression," iso-lation, and ill health;
And adult
wounds + ignorance also promote...
__ e) fights over ineffective
parenting in and between one or more family homes. This often causes
disputes over making and following parenting agreements (among other
things), and hinders consistently filling kids' normal
developmental and
family-adjustment needs; and...
__ f) choosing
expensive wounded, unaware counselors and financial and legal professionals to help
resolve the family's surface problems, Their advice rarely includes the
sugges-tions below, so family problems stay unresolved, and cynicism,
stress, and
weariness grow; and...
__ g) making premature,
ill-informed
about forming or joining a stepfamily and
becoming overwhelmed with concurrent role and relationship problems; and
family ignor-ance contributes to...
__ h) adult and child "mental health"
problems, poor school performance, socializing problems, drug abuse,
and parental neglect and/or abandonment.
__ i) these combine to lower a
family's
so adults and kids often don't get their
primary needs met well enough, often enough.
This helps the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle pass down to the next generation.
Pause, breathe, and reflect. What are you thinking and feeling? Does this set of proposed pri-mary
parenting
problems seem realistic? Credible? Can you think of other factors that cause
struggles with the surface parenting problems named above? Note that if you
are wounded and unaware, your pro-tective
is likely to discount, ignore,
and/or dispute these core problems, and deny or justify doing so.
What can divorcing-family and stepfamily adults do about these root
problems?
Options
To
avoid or reduce the core causes of all major parenting conflicts
related to divorce, family adults can help each other work patiently at
these tasks:
|
 |
Study and discuss this
overview of the lethal [wounds
+ unawareness] cycle. Reluctance to do this probably indicates
false-self dominance (psychological wounds), which will sabotage all other
options below. |
|
 |
Heal: each family adult use
to assess themselves for psychological wounds and to
patiently help each other reduce any that they find.
Without this step, the following options won't work.
|
 |
Assess: all family adults and key
supporters (including professionals) learn what they need to
combat unawareness by taking and discussing these
Do
this to dispel the common myth "I (or We) already know how to
parent and be a healthy family." Parental separation and
di-vorce are clear indictors of major family-system
dysfunction. |
|
 |
Learn: all family adults
study and discuss
if you're a stepfamily) in order, over several months.
Put special emphasis on Lesson 2 (effective communication),
Lesson 3 (effective grieving), and Lesson 6 (effective
parenting). |
|
 |
Learn
how to
analyze and
resolve
most relationship problems, including these three widespread
family stressors. They are
surely affecting all your adults
and children. Then model and teach these learnings to your kids and
supporters. |
|
 |
If you hire
therapists, mediators, attorneys, and/or social workers
to help resolve major child-related disputes, ask each
of them to join you in working on these options. If they
balk, they're probably wounded and unaware. Look
elsewhere. |
|
 |
If you're considering (or are
already) using the legal system to force someone to
comply, read this,
and STOP, unless someone's current safety is
clearly at risk.
Legal battles between ex mates and other relatives
always make things worse! |
|
 |
If you're considering
forming a stepfamily or are already part of one,
all adults study and discuss
heed
these danger signs, and be alert for these
common
Put your integrity first, your
marriage second, and all else third, except in
emergencies. |
|
If you want to permanently end or avoid major family
conflicts over child custody, visitations, financial
support, holidays, vacations, loyalties, and other
things, ask all your family adults (not just
parents) and supporters to (a)
read and discuss
this article, and then (b) commit to working at these
concurrent options. If they won't, see
this and
this. |
