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This is one of a series of Lesson-6 articles
on how to learn what minor kids need, and how to fill these
needs effectively for two decades without neglecting your own needs.
Typical
and
co-parents face
dozens
of adjustment tasks that peers in intact biofamilies don't encounter. One of
these tasks occurs when an ex mate decides to move significantly closer or
farther away from their child/ren's "other home." This move can affect child
visitations, finances, household roles, rules, and rituals; holidays,
vacations, and possibly child custody and parenting agree-ments. Household relocations range from well-managed and peaceful to chaotic, hostile, and conflictual.
A common reason for household relocations is change in a parent's job and/or
career. Others are to care for an adult's disabled or aging parent/s, and/or
to move closer to family. Some moves are triggered by a mix of environmental
conditions (e.g. weather, crime, and urban decay). Some moves are voluntary,
and others are forced by economic, health, or other necessity. Regardless of
the reasons, all household moves disturb up the multi-generational
("extended")
This article for family adults defines a "successful relocation,"
summarizes requisites for success, and offers a move-planning checklist. The
article assumes you're familiar with...
Requisites for a Successful
Relocation
Premise - "Successful" means that
each
person significantly affected (in their opinion) by the move's outcome eventually feels (a)
"I got my key needs met well enough, (b) in a way that felt good enough
to me throughout the process." How does this compare to your definition
of a successful re-location?
Some key factors combine to determine whether a household relocation will be
relatively smooth or stressful:
-
The stability of the two-home system before
the move (chaotic > stable)
-
The
of the affected family adults (poor to excellent)
-
The effectiveness of
and
among the adults
-
family members' attitudes about the move
(motivated and harmonious > conflictual and resistant)
-
Who makes the decisions in each of the two
related homes
-
if and how recently the household members
have moved before (never > recently)
-
How many adults and kids are affected by the
move (few > many)
-
How well planned the move is (unplanned and
sudden > well planned in both homes)
If you feel that planning a household move affecting minor kids is "not all that complex,"
or "won't change too many things for us," scan this...
Relocation-planning Checklist
Whether your household is moving or your kids' other home is,
there are many topics that will
need cooperative discussion
among your parents and kids. The keys to a successful relocation plan
are each affected adult and child feeling...
-
that their needs and
opinions have been thoroughly considered,
-
confidence about how well family members can
problem-solve together; and that...
-
inevitable compromises are "fair enough"
to everyone.
Discuss each of the items below with other family adults and supporters to see
how well prepared you are for this change in your family-system. Consider
calling a family meeting to see where you all stand on these issues:
_ 1) Everyone in both
homes affected by this move knows why and when it will
happen.
_ 2) Each of our family
adults understands the concepts of our family system, and how to "map"
our family's structure.
_ 3) Each child
affected by the move has had ample chances to ask questions and vent about the
move and its changes.
_ 4) All our family
adults are clear and agreed on how this move will affect child
visitations
_ 5) All family adults
are clear and agreed on how this move will affect child
custody
_ 6) All family adults
are clear and agreed on how this move will affect major holidays
_ 7) All family adults
are clear and agreed on how this move will affect
financial child
support
_ 8) All family adults
are clear and agreed on how this move will affect existing
orders of protection, and wills.
_ 9) All our family
adults are clear and agreed on how this move will affect our kids' education, tutoring,
friendships, and
activities
_ 10) All family adults
are clear and agreed on what
and
losses (broken bonds) this move will cause each
affected child and adult.
_ 11)
Our adults are clear on how we'll
whether
each child and adult is
their
losses well
enough
_ 12) All family adults
are clear and agreed on how this move will affect our kids'
medical and other
insurance coverages
_ 13) All family adults
are clear and agreed on how we all will handle any significant
and
conflicts and
relationship
that occur because of this move.
_ 14) This move will
not seriously stress any marriage in our family
_ 15) No one thinks
this relocation will change our family's membership
_ 16) We agree that
this relocation will not significantly affect our two-home family's
_ 17) We
adults have discussed how this move will affect each person's dreams
and hopes for the future
_ 18) We have all
discussed how this move will affect the relationships among our kinfolk,
including siblinhgs.
_ 19) The adults in each
home are clear and stable on their current
_ 20) We adults have
agreed on a family
to guide us through any confusions and problems related to this
move.
_ 21) Our
family adults are clear and agreed on how we will we judge
if this move is successful.
_ 21)
_ 22)
+ + +
What's your reaction to this move-planning checklist? Did it create a to-do
list for your adults? If so, what do you need to do now? Options - circle
numbers in the checklist that should get some attention now. Rank-order them in
importance. For each such item, who should take what action?
Recap
Our society is highly mobile. For many reasons, a divorcing parent may need to
relocate their home closer or farther from their child/ren's "other home." Such
moves can be well-planned and cooperative, or chaotic and stressful. This
Lesson-6 article for family adults offers a definition of a "successful
reloca-tion," summarizes requisites for success, and offers a 21-item checklist
of key topics family adults and kids need to discuss.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
Keep
studying Lesson 6
