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Introduction
Premise: families exist to nurture
-
i.e. to fill their members'
basic needs. Depending
on many fac-tors, families (like yours) range from low-nurturance to
high-nurturance. This sixth Lesson uses the ideas in the prior Lessons to
propose how to (a) nurture the young people in your family
effectively, and (b) help protect your descendents from
inheriting the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
cycle.
This Lesson
is meant to augment
well-researched parenting programs like these:
Parent
Effectiveness Training (PET) class, by Dr.
Thomas Gordon
Systematic
Training for Exceptional Parents (STEP)
The Active
Parenting program, by Dr. Michael H. Popkin
The Lesson includes
vital concepts that such parenting programs usually omit:
a family-systems vs.
child-focused approach to effective parenting
normal personality
subselves, false self, and true Self (Lesson 1 here)
the effects and healing of
parents' psychological wounds (Lesson 1)
principles of effective
thinking and communication, and how to analyze and resolve
most relationship problems (Lessons 2 and 4)
the importance of evolving
and using a family grieving policy (Lesson 3)
traits of a high-nurturance
family and family tree, and
the toxic
[wounds + unawareness] cycle (Lesson 5)
typical special needs of
minor kids of parental death or divorce, and perspective
on "Parent Alienation Syndrome" (PAS).
Quizzes to help
parents assess their awareness of these topics.
Typical stepkids have special needs.
Effective stepfamily co-parenting builds on
Lessons 1 thru 6, and is outlined in Lesson 7.
This Lesson assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to
this nonprofit Web site and the
premises
underlying it
I suggest you study and discuss this Lesson (6) with other
family adults and supporters first. Then study one or more
respected programs like those above.
The best time to
study these is before you have or adopt a child.
Quality nurturing during a child's first 4 to 6 years will
minimize problems later on! These Lesson-6 "assignments" are like
a college course, and should take you several months
to do - so adopt a
patient long-range view.
Accept that you won't know how effective your
family adults are at parenting until each child leaves home
to live independently and perhaps parent their own kids.
Pace yourselves, and learn a little at a time. Seek basic
principles, not rifle-shot solutions to parenting problems.
Don't expect much benefit from these parenting assignmrents
unless each of your primary par-ents and supporters is
guided by her or his
true Self.If they're not,
focus your energy on
Lesson 1 here.
Use this sixth Break-the-Cycle Lesson as a flexible framework, and adapt it to fit
your unique family situation. The assignments below build on each
other, so do them in order.
The more you study, the clearer all the materials will
become.
Options...
print some or most articles and
worksheets to refer to as you go
keep a notebook or journal to capture your reactions and validate your
progress;
include resources in this
Lesson in any family meetings;
alert other parents and any
professionals supporting your family (e.g. counselors,
clergy, etc.) to this
course
and/or Lesson;
use this Lesson in any
parenting-support group you participate in.
Lesson 6 - Learn to
Parent (Nurture) Effectively
These assignments are for all parents, and
extra ones for divorcing parents
They aim to raise your awareness of effective
parenting, rather than decree absolute right/wrong ideas. Check off each
assign-ment as you complete
it, and hilight any you feel are specially useful. Ideally, study this Lesson with other family adults and
supporters. Coach yourself as you learn: "Progress, not
perfection!"
A) All Parenting Adults
__1) Set
the stage by scanning these brief selected
research/news items about parenting and family life.
Notice your thoughts and feelings as you do.
__2) Get quiet and undistracted, and take
the first six of these
quizzes
without rushing. If you have trouble answering any
items, study the appropriate Lesson before working on
this one.
__ 3)
Review
the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle that causes -
and is caused by -
ineffective parenting and social
denial and indifference. _ Try describing the cycle
to someone to see if you under-stand it.
__ 4) See if you
agree with these ideas about
effective parenting.
Effective parenting is essential to protect your
descendents from the cycle's toxic effects!
__ 5)Review this
introduction to your
family system. Effective parenting is most likely when
your family system is functioning (nurturing) everyone
(not just kids) well.
__6)Study this
overview of high-nurturance
("functional") family systems. What's your family's
nurtur-ance level recently? (low > moderate > high). What
would improve that?
__7) Consider these
ideas about qualified
child
conception. How can you tell if a family ready to nur-ture a baby?
Do you know any families who weren't ready?
__8)Study these
classic ideas about eight child
development stages by Dr. Erik Erickson. Where do
each of your minor kids stand with these stages? If they
need help with any stage, what help, and from whom?
__ 9)Review
this concept of
surface and primary needs (Lesson 4).
Effective parenting aims to fill current primary adult and
child needs consistently.
__ 10) See how many
of these normal child-developmental
needs you know. Then decide how well each need is
filled in each of your minor kids.
__14)Reflect on
Dr. Abraham Maslow's ideas about
how normal human needs
rank. Do you agree with his ideas? How is each child
doing with this "hierarchy of needs?" How are each of your
family adults doing, starting with you?
Note - typical kids of parental death and separation
also have a mix of concurrent adjustment needs (#39
below).
__ 15) Refer
periodically to these ageless wisdoms
about the
young people in your life.
__ 16)Compare these
ideas about
bonding with yours. Do you know any parents who
are unable to bond with their kids and/or other people? If so, how does that affect
their children? Their family's nurtur-ance level?
__ 17)Do these
long-term goals of effective
parents match yours? How many busy parents do you think
could articulate such goals for each dependent child and/or
grandchild?
__ 18) How many of
these effective-parenting traits do
you have?
__ 19) How many of
these nurturing values do
your family adults have?
__ 20)See if you know how to develop empathy in your minor
kids. Did your parents know how?
__ 23)See if these
premises about effective child
discipline match yours.
__ 24) Strengthen
your ability to set and enforce effective
boundaries
(Lesson 4)
__ 25) Consider
this perspective on grandparents'
vital nurturing role
__ 26) Review these
ideas on a family
good-grief policy (Lesson 3). Are your kids learning
to grieve effectively? Do you know how to grieve
well? Option - review these selected
research/news
items on "good grief."
__ 27)Are you
factoring these common gender
differences into your style of childcare?
Notice what you're thinking and feeling
as you finish this Lesson. Is their something you want to donow with what you've learned?
Would the other
adults in your family (and community) be able to pass these
quizzes? Would the teachers in your
schools? if not - why not?
Recap
This sixth self-improvement Lesson proposes fundamental
information that average adults need in order to raise a
child successfully over two decades. Putting this
information into practice requires typical adults to have
(a) freed their true Self to guide them through the decades
(Lesson 1), and to have (b) integrated the key ideas in
each of the
five prior lessons.
Premise - the reason we are a nation of
Grown Wounded Children
(GWCs) is because a high majority of our parents and child
caregivers (including grandparents and teachers) are unable
to meet these two requisites. Our citizens accept
that, tho it is inexorably destroying our culture and
environ-ment. Does this include you?
If
you're interested in growing and enjoying a
high-nurturance stepfamily, continue with Lesson 7. Otherwise,
complete this course with
Lesson 8.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article?
Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
''someone else''?
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/parent/guide6.htm
Introduction
A) All Parenting Adults
Review
If
you're interested in growing and enjoying a
high-nurturance stepfamily, continue with
