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- learn to parent effectively |
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Effective
Communication with
Kids
p. 3 of 4
Options for improving
your
outcomes with
typical teens
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts
Council
|
 The Web address of this
four-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/parent/kids.htm
Continued from
p. 2
The last part of this second common adult-teen communication
problem is...
2C) Limited
Teen Empathy
Remind yourself that no matter how quick
and bright teens are,
they haven't
experienced the roles that are routine to you as an
adult - e.g. they don't know what being a wo/man,
independent adult, parent, spouse, home-owner, employee,
citizen, professional, tax payer, (etc.) feels
like. You may describe what these roles are like for
you, but that can never be the same as actually experiencing them (remember?).
When a teen can't empathize what you feel and need, what can you
do?
Response Strategy
-
Don't expect a
teen to empathize or sympathize with your feelings and needs
like (some) adults can. This is challenging because
teens can empathize with some roles - like
friend, person, sibling, and student, so you may assume they
can empathize with all your experiences. Maybe in
several decades...
-
Another possibility is that the teen is significantly
wounded from being raised in a
low-nurturance childhood. A tragic overarching wound may be an
and empathize with some or all living things.
|
Where this is true, your family adults and
ancestors are/were surely
and all dependent kids may be growing up with a
See
for perspective and useful options.
|
Note that some teens
may think they can understand what you need and how
you feel - but they don't know what they don't know.
With this in
mind, avoid saying things like "Put yourself in my
shoes - how would you feel?" and criticizing
the teen for "being insensitive." Would you scorn
them for not being able to levitate?
Do these proposed strategies for responding to teen
arrogance, self-centeredness, and lack of empa-thy seem
realistic? Effective? Do-able? Are you motivated to try them
out? Consider explaining
these stra-tegies to the child so s/he
better understands your "new" attitudes and behaviors, and
your goal of more effective communication.
Recall - we're reviewing effective responses to eight common
adult-teen stressors. The next one is...
PROBLEM 3)
Excessive Teen Volatility, "Moodiness," and Impatience
Volatility or reactivity means (a) "expressing
current thoughts, feelings, and needs impulsively, loud-ly, and intensely,
(b) with a one-person
('self-centeredness')." When several of their sub-selves are activated, teens
(and some preteens) are usually
loud, interruptive, sarcastic or rude, sullen, im-patient, sly, and rigid
(black-white). They're
probably ruled by a false self, and their
is
usual-ly "above their ears" - so
they can't hear you.
Volatility is usually not
disrespect, defiance, or "childish." It's usually a transitional
hormonal-psycho-logical condition typical kids have little control over,
like digesting or urinating.
When teens' dominant sub-selves feel unsafe ("insecure"), common alternatives to excessive (vs. normal)
volatility are withholding,
blocking, and/or
numbing ("I don't know what I feel / need / want").
If your teen is significantly impatient, suspect
one or more of these:
-
s/he's (a) not interested in (or dislikes) your topic, and is needs something different than you do; and
(b) s/he probably has a
one-person
and/or...
-
s/he can't understand or empathize with your
needs, or discounts them; and/or...
-
his or her
is "above the ears," so s/he can't
hear you now (and may not want
to); and/or...
-
s/he feels guilty, ashamed, hurt, and/or
anxious about what (s/he thinks) you're saying, and wants these
discomforts to end quickly. And perhaps...
-
the
child is frustrated
and irritated that you're repeating yourself, and you don't
seem to know or care about that, or trust that s/he already knows what
you're saying. Do you know any adults who often repeat themselves? How
do you feel when they do? Finally...
-
your
past actions may have taught the teen...
-
you don't
always mean what you say
about any limits or consequences (i.e. s/he doesn't trust you),
and/or that...
-
s/he may be able to talk you out of enforcing them.
Both of these
probably reduce the child's respect for you.
Adults who are significantly irritated and frustrated by a teen's volatility,
moodiness,
and/or impatien-ce may be governed by a false self and probably don't know
that or what that means; and/or they don't have the self-respect and communication
and
to respond effectively.
Options for reacting well to excessive teen volatility,
moodiness, and impatience...
Response Strategy
-
with your
in
try...
-
to discover why the child's
volatility and/or impatience disturbs you, and...
-
what
you need to do about it now - i.e. clarify your current
Volatility with anyone can cause false-self anxiety in the receiver
("What's s/he going to do next?"), and excessive impatience can feel
disrespectful.
-
remind yourself of
-
i.e. accept that
you can't demand a
change in the teen's volatility ("Cool it!" / "Settle Down!"), and you
can choose your responses - e.g. -
-
if the reactivity is predictable, plan your
response strategy before engaging;
-
ask yourself "Whose needs are more important
to me now - mine or this child's?" I you feel your needs are more
important and you have no emergency, suspect that a false self rules
you, and act to
your Self (capital "S") before continuing with the
child;
-
coach yourself to maintain a respectful
attitude even in the face of disrespect, and
use
up
to your tolerance limit. With patience and good eye contact, this will
often reduce the teen's
(emotional intensity) so that eventually s/he can hear you.
-
Expect that criticizing, arguing,
discounting, and demanding (vs. respectful hearing checks and problem-solving) will quickly
drive the child's E-level back up (increase their reactivity) and block
their hearing you.
-
invite (vs. demand) the child to STOP, breathe, s-l-o-w d-o-w-n,
and try to say what she
or he needs now.
Then try saying back what you see and hear without comment.
-
give firm, respectful
consequences when
merited, and consistently follow up on them.
-
consider using one or more respectful
(assertions) to confront the teen's reactivity.
Expect
"resistance" without blame. For example...
"(Name), when you often interrupt me and
talk so loud and fast, I have a hard time hearing you. Could you
slow down, and let me finish please?"
If the teen deflects, grunts, ignores you, eye-rolls, sighs
sarcastically, or the like, do a respectful
and calmly repeat your assertion with steady eye contact
PROBLEM 4)
Excessive Teen
Dishonesty
Premise:
kids and adults shade, omit,
or distort the truth ("lie") when they feel unsafe
in telling the full truth (Yes?). The unsafety may be
internal (they risk
feeling too much guilt, anxiety, and/or shame)
and/or external (they risk being scorned, threatened,
attacked, abandoned, unheard, misunderstood, criticized,
lectured, and/or losing valued privileges).
Adults can intentionally reduce the child's external fears by
their attitudes and behaviors, but they
can't
directly reduce a teen's local inner fears. No
matter how well-meant, lectures and reassurances pro-bably won't
work (restore the Self to inner leadership), and may cause the
child to lie and/or tune out.
For more perspective and options for reacting effectively to a
child's dishonesty, see this.
Response Strategy
-
Think of someone you're often
dishonest with, and try to identify why. Do you feel
safe disclosing your truth? If not - why? What awful
thing might happen if you did? Often such avoidance implies that neither person knows how to assert their needs,
listen,
or problem-solve effectively
-
Assess
the teen compassionately for psychological wounds
- specially for excessive
shame,
guilt, and
distrust. If the
child seems to be significantly wounded, then...
-
rank
reducing those
wounds higher than improving the teen's honesty with
you; and...
-
the real problem may
be wounded parents + ineffective parenting + a
low-nurturance family and ancestry - NOT teen dishonesty.
-
If the teen is a survivor of
parental divorce or death - and perhaps parental remarriage
and/or cohab-iting with a new partner - assess how the child
is progressing at filling these common
family ad-justment needs. If as/he is overwhelmed, stuck,
and/or not getting appropriate adult guidance on filling
these and normal developmental needs, that may be a major
contributor to the communication problems between you.
-
If you judge the child's
dishonesty and/or avoidance to be a weakness, character
defect, flaw, or sin, you'll radiate that via face and body
language and voice tone. That criticism will make it
more unsafe to tell you their truth.
A better choice is to
view "dishonesty" as
a legitimate signal that the child doesn't trust you and/or
themselves
to keep them safe from excessive discomfort - and s/he
probably can't (or won't) say so. Can you see it that way?
"When you seem to be
withholding the truth, I feel ___ (what?), and I need
___ (what?)"
If a false self
controls you, expect a
skewed or vague answer. Note the difference between this
I-message and
"When you lie to me,
I ..."
That's an accusatory
"You-message,"
which is apt to earn you hurt, anger, guilt, denial,
and resentment.
-
Avoid the paradox of
asking or demanding that the teen be honest or truthful.
If s/he feels you are un-safe, she
can't comply genuinely. The child may pretend to
comply, which will probably increase your
distrust, frustration, and disrespect until s/he feels
consistently safe in truth-telling.
-
Try to identify the
usual way you respond to the teen's disclosing something
morally wrong, danger-ous, distorted, judgmental, arrogant,
conflictual, or displeasing. If you are interruptive,
sarcastic (scornful), judgmental, anxious, gossipy, and/or you
monolog (lecture), jeer, discount, or act super-ior,
impatient, and/or sermonize,
you are NOT safe to
disclose to!
|
Implication - your teen's dishonesty may
be promoted unintentionally by you.
Op-tions - try (a) choosing an open mind, (b)
several exchanges between you and the teen, and/or (c) ask
others who know both of you, and see what you learn.
|
Pause and notice your
thoughts and feelings
now. Does this response-strategy to teen dishonesty seem
practical? Are you motivated to try it? If not, why
are you reading this?
PROBLEM
5)
Chronic Arguing,
Debating, Challenging, and Manipulating
Many adults and preteens use these same frustrating behaviors.
The main difference here is that teens may behave like this with
more disrespect (e.g. sarcasm, interruptions, eye rolls, etc.)
and not hearing, which can make
three concurrent communication blocks. With your
Self in charge,
focus on identifying and responding to one block at a time.
People argue and debate to satisfy needs like these...
-
"I need to win or be
right
(i.e. I need to avoid losing and feeling frustrated and
inferior.)"
-
"I'm bored, and I need the
excitement
of a contest."
-
"I need to feel important enough
to you that you'll listen to (and maybe agree with)
me."
-
"I need to feel potent and
powerful, instead of weak and stupid."
-
"I believe you're wrong, and I
need you see the (my) truth."
-
"I need to prove something to
myself (or someone else) by beating or outlasting you."
-
"I'll lose something I value
(like self respect or other) if you won't agree with me."
-
(add your own reasons for
arguing and manipulating)
These needs are usually emotional and unconscious, not cognitive
(logical) - so your odds of chan-ging them with pleas, logic,
explanations, scorn, or threats are probably zero. Typical teens
will be unable to articulate needs like these if you ask them
why they argue - they really don't know.
Response Strategy
"(Name), I feel like we're arguing, not
problem solving - and I feel (whatever). Will you try
problem-solving with me now?"
If the teen doesn't
know how - show her or him!
-
Stay alert for
relationship
and lose-lose
Follow the links for perspective and
effective-communication options.
-
Grow the habit of separating
what
you're debating or arguing about from
you're debating.
-
Decide what you can change now
(e.g. your
attitudes and
behaviors), and what you can't (e.g. the teen's dominant subselves). Focus on the
former, respect the latter, and follow these wise
-
Guesstimate what the teen needs
from you now, and decide who's responsible for filling
each need - you, the child, or someone else. Option -
if the answer is not obvious, ask the child "What do you
need from me now?"
Then put your other needs aside for the moment and watch
and listen without judgment. Don't expect the child
to articulate her/his primary needs.
Option - use this as an opportunity to model and teach
the child about surface and primary
- a lifelong gift!
-
As you know,
it takes
two people to argue, debate, and fight. So a powerful
way to stop these dynamics with anyone is to
-
notice that you're arguing
or debating, vs. discussing or something else;
-
put your local needs and
opinions aside
for the time being,
-
use brief, respectful
-
keep steady eye contact, and
then...
-
stay silent.
Many of the people I've
role-played this response with stop, look confused, and say
something like "Uh...I don't know what to say" or "You just
took the wind out of my sails!" Don't use this as 1-up
weapon or "gotcha" technique, for that will probably cause
irritation and resentment. Lose-lose!
A more direct option is to say something like "(Name), it
feels like we're arguing, and I'd like to switch to
problem-solving. Will you do that with me now?" If the
teen doesn't know how - teach him or her!
-
Beware of hooking into or using
lose-lose guilt
trips (manipulating) to fill your needs. If you feel
ex-cessive or
suspect your true Self is disabled, and make
him or her your top priority.
This response strategy
is meant to be illustrative, not a rigid cookbook recipe.
Experiment and tailor it to fit your personality and situation.
Option - discuss this (and the other strategies) with
other family adults and older teens. Remember - the long-term
goal is consistently win-win (effective) family communication
and high-nurturance harmony!
We've covered response strategies for five of eight common
irritating teen behaviors. Do you need a break before studying
the rest?
PROBLEM 6)
Excessive
Teen Silences,
Evasions, and/or "I
don't know"
Adults are often frustrated when they ask kids a question, and
get a shrug, averted eyes, a grunt, si-lence, or "I dunno."
Adults may expect teens to be more responsive to questions than
younger kids be-cause of their age and greater understanding and
vocabulary. Have you experienced this communication problem? If
so, how do you usually respond? Do you get your needs met?
Kids of any age (and some adults) may behave like this for
reasons like these:
-
they genuinely don't know what
to say, and can't articulate that;
-
the child is overwhelmed with
thoughts and feelings (a sign of a dominant false self), and
can't articulate that or respond to you now; or...
-
s/he is intimidated by the
adult, and fears sounding or feeling stupid, weak, or babyish
- specially if the teen expects the adult to scorn, criticize,
discount, or
punish her/him; and/or...
-
s/he expects the adult won't
want to
listen, and s/he doesn't know how to
say that without provoking rejection, an argument, or an attack; or...
-
the teen feels guilty and/or
ashamed, and fears admitting that or what caused it; or...
-
the child needs to protect
someone else, and doesn't want to say so; or...
-
s/he doesn't want to reveal
something s/he regards as private or sacred; or...
-
s/he enjoys the powerful feeling
of frustrating the adult; or...
-
s/he wants to do something other
than talk with the adult now - specially if the adult is apt
to talk down and/or lecture wordily or repetitively;
or...
-
s/he doesn't want someone else
nearby to hear them; or...
-
the boy or girl doesn't trust
the adult not to tell certain other people about him or her; or...
-
s/he is distracted by her/his
body or other needs, and can't concentrate; and/or...
-
(add your own reasons for teen
evasiveness.)
-
Does this summary seem credible? Do you recall any of these
from your childhood? Recast each of these reasons as one or more
needs - i.e. discomforts - and recall that
the purpose of all communication is to satisfy (fill) current primary needs.
Try seeing behaviors
like these as instinctive attempts to fill un/conscious needs, rather than
labeling the child as stubborn, uncooperative, "bratty," wimpy,
"passive aggressive," "difficult," or secretive. Such judgments
may indicate a false self controls you, and will usually come
across as "1-up" (superior).
Do you see several themes to these adolescent needs? One is
anxiety and
avoidance - the child fears some discomfort. Another is
distraction. A third theme is a possible unspoken
and/or
needs conflict with the adult and/or
A fourth possibility is confusion and overwhelm.
Other variables are how the teen and adult interpret each
other's (a)
attitude (1-up, 1-down, or mutual respect), (b)
motives (needs), and (c) behaviors (consistent or
mixed messages)
Adults who are faced with child silences or "I don't know"
probably need (a) information, (b) to be heard, (c) to vent, (d)
to nourish their relationship with he child, and (e)
to respect themselves
and honor their integrity. How can they fill these needs "well enough" while respecting the
teen's needs and integ-rity?
Continue. Do you need a stretch-break
first?
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Updated
December 03, 2011
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