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This is one of a series of Lesson-6 articles
on how to parent (nurture) minor kids effectively over two decades
while filling your own needs well enough. From
32 years of
clinical study, this article presents (a) perspective on sibling
relationships, (b) common problems among siblings, and (c) parental options
for avoiding and managing these problems..
This
article assumes you're familiar with...
Perspective on Sibling Relationships
Unlike other relationships, biological sibs have the same ancestors,
parents, and last name. Depending on their age difference, they usually
share many childhood experiences, customs, and rituals, and are taught
common values by their adults. Well-raised sisters and brothers are
inhibited from acting on any sexual urges by society's incest
taboo, and may be more loyal to each other than with peers or cousins.
Society expects siblings to like, love, and support each other more than
unrelated kids. If that doesn't occur naturally, sibs can feel guilt and
shame that they're "bad," unless parents intervene.
There can be a significant family-environment difference between the oldest son, or daughter and younger siblings. The parents are new at
nurturing, and may not yet have stabilized their own relationship. They're
more knowledgeable with the second and third kids, and may give them more
balanced nurturing than their first-born. Even so, each child's unique
personality and the parent's evolving situation socially and financially
guarantee that nurturing will differ between one sib and the next - except,
perhaps for twins.
Grandparents may treat their first grandchild with special affection. Their influence can range from supportive
(nurturing) to
indifferent to shaming and critical, as their adult child begins to parent for the first time.
The age difference between siblings can significantly affect the degree of
bonding between them. For example, if parents have a baby when their first
child is in high school, the bond between the kids may be weaker than
if they were only a few years apart.
If one or both parents are often absent physically or emotionally, older
kids can feel responsible for nurturing younger siblings. If this manifests
as support, the sibling bond can be specially strong. If older kids lack
adult supervision, they may use, manipulate, abuse, or shame younger sibs
which can foster dislike and resentment and hinder developing healthy bonds.
"Sibling rivalry" (competition) for family status and parental approval and
love can range from mild to bitter, depending on many things. This can also
manifest as competition among cousins for "favorite child/ren" status with
grandparents and other adult kin.
instincts to compete, and jealousy and envy among insecure and
shame-based kids can promote major sibling rivalries and conflicts.
Parental favoritism can be a major influence on sibling relationships. If
parents hold one child up as a shining example that another child must
emulate or strive for, the kids may develop a 1-up / 1-down attitude about
themselves and each other. This can last into adult life - specially if the
kids
[psychological wounds + ignorance] from their ancestors.
Relationships between typical step, adopted, and foster siblings are more
complex and prone to conflicts than between biological sisters and brothers.
Co-parenting stressors and child custody, visitation, and financial support
arrangements can significantly strengthen or weaken the bonds between
siblings. Young and adult kids of parental divorce and re/marriage are
specially likely to be caught in stressful family
and
relationship
|
Bottom line - Relationships between siblings are unique in
several ways compared to those between unrelated kids. They can
range between loyal and loving to indifferent to hostile, depending
on siblings' and parents' personalities (wounded or not) and their
early family environment (low to high nurturance)
|
Typical
Parenting Problems with Siblings
With many variations, these are common challenges for multi-child family
adults:
-
rivalry - siblings compete for adult
attention and approval.
-
aggression - one sibling bullies,
manipulates, or abuses another.
-
boundary violations - one sibling intrudes
on another's space and/or takes their possessions.
-
one sibling disrespects, dislikes, resents,
fears, and/or scorns another.
-
exclusion and rejection - one sibling
ignores or "keeps secrets" from another
-
"fairness" (favoritism) - one sibling feels another gets
more parental freedoms and permissions.
-
blaming - one sibling complains another's
actions "make them" act out ("It's not my fault!")
-
alliances - two or more sibs may "gang up"
on a brother or sister.
-
"fighting" - sibs may constantly argue over
many things - loudly..
|
These stressors are
concurrent with minor kids' normal testing to see if they're safe, what rank
they have in the family, how much power they have, and who's in charge.
|
Is there a "best way" to manage these common sibling stressors and
keep the family's
stable and high?
Parenting
Options
Every family adult evolves their own unique parenting
values, style, and goals,
so there is no "right way" to manage
problems with and between siblings. There are
general steps adults can take to break the [wounds + ignorance]
and help siblings become healthy, independent young adults -
Grown Nurtured Children
(GNCs).
-
Learn about the lethal [wounds + ignorance]
cycle and commit to guarding your kids
from inheriting it!
-
your
to guide you, and help other family adults do the same. See
-
Give priority to understanding your kids'
developmental and special
adjustment needs, and strategize how to monitor and fill them as each
child matures.
-
View "sibling problems" like those above as
opportunities to teach kids how to solve their own relationship problems
as they mature. They will encounter all of them in their adult
relationships!
-
Study and discuss the ideas in
(create a high-nurturance family) and
(learn to parent effectively) with your other family adults and
supporters.
-
If your kids are
in a multi-home
family or stepfamily,
they have
special needs to fill and are
more prone to relationship problems with each other than typical
biosibs. In addition to the options above, study this
example and
together.
-
Adopt a long-range view, and evolve a thoughtful family
so you all know what you all are trying to achieve.
-
Family adults
work together to sharpen your communication effectiveness with
each other and with
kids. As you do, intentionally help your
kids learn to think, communicate, and problems solve effectively
-
Help all family members learn how to spot and
complete
and evolve an effective family "good grief"
(Lesson 3).
-
Invite your family adults to cooperatively evolve an effective style of
child-discipline to teach, rather than
punish.
-
All your adults
study and discuss how to analyze
and resolve typical
relationship problems. Give special emphasis to avoiding,
recognizing, and resolving values and loyalty conflicts and relationship
triangles - see and discuss these
options.
-
Read and discuss this "Memo
from your Child": at least annually.
-
If a sibling is dubbed a "problem child," see these
options.
-
If a child is a half-sibling, see this
perspective.
Recap
This Lesson-6 article summarizes how relations between siblings differ from
other relationships. It also summarizes typical problems between siblings, and proposes a group of parenting options for
managing these problems effectively.
Keep studying Lesson 6!
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