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Marital infidelity is universal in all cultures and Eras. Premise: romantic/sexual "affairs" are caused by both mates and the third party being significantly wounded + unaware + needy + frustrated. Frustration signals that key personal needs are unmet. An affair indicates that both mates don't know how to problem-solve - i.e. how to help each other meet their respective partnership needs effectively. Implication: persons who choose affairs are not "immoral, weak, shameful, selfish, sinful, insensitive, wrong, or 'bad'." Personal, family, and social condem-nation of an unfaithful partner discounts the equal role of the "betrayed" mate, and amplifies guilt, shame, and antagonisms that inhibit personal and family forgive-ness and growth. This is specially tragic when kids are involved. Compassion and honest self-awareness (vs. acceptance) are far better choices. Restated: affairs are clear evidence that all involved adults need to learn about the [wounds + ignorance] cycle, and take appropriate personal responsibility and action, rather than fight, argue, moan, accuse, rationalize, deny, explain, or avoid. Resistance to this idea ("Yes, but...") suggests a protective false self is in charge. more detail / cycle slides / related info 1 > 2 / close |
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