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A common personal and social stressor is opposing values - disputes about intangible preferences, priorities, and opinions - e.g. "I like rare beef and you're a vegetarian." Most values conflicts are based on tradition, exper-ience, faith, and personality, not "facts" or "reason." They are resolved differ-ently than disputes over concrete "things." People need to learn how to (a) identify values conflicts when they occur, and (b) evolve viable personal and family strategies for resolving them effec-tively, regardless of the topic. Because "reason" is usually of little help in doing this, the most effective strategy usually involves (1) maintaining mutual respect for each other's rights and dignity, (2) digging down to uncover and assert current primary needs, (3) working for a compromise ("If you need to smoke, please do it outside,") and where necessary, (4) agreeing to disa-gree without resentment, to preserve personal and relationship harmony. This works far better than blaming, scorning, manipulating, punishing, ignoring, seething (repressing), denying, fighting, threatening, and/or trying to persuade. Note that your personality's subselves can battle over values too! Project-2 attitudes and communication skills are priceless assets in resolving any conflicts among subselves and/or people of all ages - spe-cially when true Selves are guiding everyone's personalities. |
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