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Do you know anyone burdened with the ceaseless compulsion to "be perfect" in their appearance, behavior, relationships, and activities? Such adults and kids are harsh self-critics, and often assume other people (like parents) will judge them just as badly for being less than perfect. Seeking to do your local best is usually good, within reason. Expecting yourself to excel at everything all the time is self-abusive. It breeds win/lose relationships, relentless frustration and guilts, anxie-ties, self-scorn, and difficulty accepting merited praise. To survive traumatic low-nurturance early years, typical kids automatically devel-op this protective Guardian subself. Its sole function is to prevent more shame, guilt, and rejection by "being perfect." This subself insists that perfection is to be expected, and deserves no praise. The Perfectionist, Inner Critic, and People-pleaser subselves scathingly label anything less than perfection (according to them) as being shameful, awful, and despicable - no matter what anyone else says. People controlled by a well-meaning Perfectionist often say "I just can't help it!" This is a sure symptom of a disabled true Self. People who seek to recover from false-self wounds learn to accept that rigid expectations of perfection in themselves and others are unrealistic, and often damage self-esteem and relationships. Recoverers evolve ways of having their true Self (capital "S"), Nurturer, and Adult subselves effectively guard their Inner Children from excessive shame and guilt. This allows enjoying personal achievements, and growing self-trust and respect. As the tireless Perfectionist learns to trust this, s/he becomes willing to accept a more productive role in the host person's personality. Project 1 provides a practical framework for harmon-izing your personality subselves and guarding physical kids from developing false-self wounds - and Perfectionist subselves! more detail / slides / Project-1 guidebook and index / Q&A / close |
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