Links below will open new browser windows or informational popups, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this nonprofit site. The article assumes you're familiar with six or seven prevention topics. If you're not, study these introductory pages to get the most from reading this.        

        This article is one of a  series on how concerned lay people and human-service professionals can help to prevent common symptoms of the toxic [wounds + unawareness] cycle like these...

• public and legislative tolerance for unhealthy marital, child-conception, and social-environment choices,

• unintended child neglect and abuse, and related psychological ("false self") wounds,

• significant marital and family stress and divorce trauma, and...

• public and professional ignorance of these topics.

        This article builds on the premise that once professionals like you are aware of the causes and effects of the [wounds + unawareness] cycle, they have a moral obligation to alert other people to them, and work to prevent family stress and divorce. The first two pages of this series propose three specific steps human-service professionals can take to alert family members, co-workers, clients or patients, and selected target groups of other people on these causes, effects, and cycle-prevention options.

       You can use the information in this nonprofit Web site to...

• reduce any personal wounds and nourish your own family relationships;

• improve the effectiveness of your present professional work, and to...

• empower other people to prevent personal and family stress and divorce.

This article and series focuses on the last two goals. These Project-1 resources focus on the first goal. As you read in the introduction, you have a wide range of options to tailor and accomplish these goals if you're motivated to do so.

        This article offers perspective on (a) how the cycle may affect you and the people you work with and for, and (b) summarizes cycle-prevention options in your profession. You'll get the most from reading this if you study this slide presentation and read or review this four-page introduction first. Pause, breathe, and say out loud why you're reading this article. What do you need?

+ + +

To get the most from this article, I encourage you to first reflect on (a) this two-page article on spirituality vs. religion, (b) these proposals about traits of high-nurturance organizations and religions, and (c) this real-life example of the [wounds + unawareness] cycle at work in a typical stepfamily.

        I respectfully propose that without knowing it, you're probably contributing to the silent [wounds + unawareness] cycle that increasingly stresses families, your congregation, and our society. If you have followed the three steps in the introductory pages of this series, you now know how likely it is that you, your family, and the other people you serve, may be  victims of this cycle.

           To understand why I propose this, see how well I do on some...

Assumptions About You...

        These are based on meeting several score dedicated clergywomen and men doing God's work (as I am) since 1979. I assume...

you have had no meaningful instruction in...

you (a) may or may not have married and conceived children, and (b) have probably never divorced and/or lived in a stepfamily.

you (a) grew up in a biofamily, and (b) are a member of  a larger family now, including siblings, nephews, nieces, and perhaps children, grandkids, a partner, and his or her biological relatives.

you're morally opposed to unwise marriage and child conception, child neglect and abuse, and divorce;

you have never felt the need to, or known how to, methodically evaluate the nurturance level of your (a) childhood family or (b) your local and denominational church organizations.

you probably have too little time and too few resources to do all that you'd like to do in your ministry, so (a) you work to stay balanced, and (b) you take your time, energy, and priorities seriously;

if you've sought resources for courting or committed stepfamily co-parents and their kids, you've found that (a) there aren't many, or (b) it's hard to discern qualified resources from impractical or toxic advisors and materials. You may also have found that if you try to organize some stepfamily support, it's sparsely used except by co-parents in crisis.

And I also assume that...

you're confronted with complex theological, liturgical, doctrinal, and congregational conflicts about sanctifying (a) inadequate parenting, (b) divorce, and (c) re/marriage in your church; and you're (d) evolving a clear moral and spiritual stance on each of them; and (e) helping others do the same. And...

the estimates above are also true of (a) the people who trained and ordained you, and (b) the hierarchy of your denomination. If so, I assume you hear or read little professionally about (re)divorce prevention as a worthy ministry. I also assume...

you're reading this because you're interested in how you might help prevent (re)divorce trauma in your congregation and community beyond your present efforts.

Finally, I compassionately suspect (a) you come from a significantly low-nurturance  childhood, through no fault of your caregivers and ancestors; and that you (b) find yourself specially drawn or sensitive to wounded people like yourself.

        I make these guesses from many direct clinical observations since 1981 and reports by many other recovery professionals whom I respect. God's plan seems to include many wounded persons being called to human-service professions to heal themselves and help others heal. I am one. Perhaps you are too. I hope you have evaluated this from the prior articles.

        With these guesstimates in mind, I propose some key...

Ways You Can Protect Families

        You and your staff and Board can choose to help five groups of people avoid or reduce false-self wounding and unawareness:

• your own families,

• your local religious organization,

• couples wanting sanctified marriage,

• your congregation and local community, and...

• your religious denomination.

The way to help all five is by promoting education on these topics. Let's explore each of these....

1) Your Families

        If you haven't yet, experience what typical courting and committed couples need to do to guard against wounding and divorce by following these suggestions before continuing here. Doing this will make what follows more practical and less intellectual.

        Then invite your staff and Board members to do the same for their respective families, after explaining why. If they balk, that's probably their false selves protecting against scary change and outcomes. If this happens, you're confronted with why you choose to work in a low-nurturance setting... Without your co-workers' awareness and support, you may have a harder time acting on the options below.

2) Assess and Alert Your Organization

        Premises: every human group exists to fill its members' needs - i.e. to nurture in some way. Groups that succeed consistently in healthy ways can be rated as "high-nurturance." They are usually organized and led by people who came from high-nurturance childhoods and are often guided by their true Selves (have few major wounds). Option: estimate the nurturance level of your work setting: get undistracted, check to see that your Self is in charge. Then fill out these worksheets on your organization and your co-workers with an open mind.

        You'll conclude something between "No problem here" and "We have a major problem here." Low-nurturance groups usually mean the leaders (e.g. you and your board) are (a) significantly wounded and in denial, and lack (b) knowledge and (c) organizational and relationship skills.

        Once identified, each of these can be reduced by patient work with the options and resources in Projects 1, 2, 5, 6, and 10 in this site, or equivalent. Also see if any of these ideas about group leadership apply to your situation.

Continue with three more ways to help prevent local, regional, or national (re)divorce. Do you need a break first?

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Created  September 27, 2008