The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/prevent/clergy.htm
Five ways you can help protect
families from divorce, continued...
3) Couples
Wanting to (Re)marry
You can be
of great
help to average couples with and without existing kids if you elect options
like these..
raise their motivation to make
three
well-deliberated
commitment decisions by providing and discussing a
copy of this perspective on American
divorce;
alert them to the
they face, and the
they can commit to
protect
themselves and any descendents from the toxic effects of the inherited
[unawareness + wounds] cycle. Options: (a) provide copies of selected articles from this site; and (b)
provide a handout encouraging them to study and discuss these summary Web
slide presentations. If you or they have trouble viewing the slide
presentations above, see
-
the toxic {wounds + ignorance]
cycle
-
five marital hazards and 12
protective projects
-
effective communication basics
-
"good (healthy) grief" basics
-
make three wise courtship
decisions!
-
stepfamily basics you need to
know
-
perspective on "effective
stepparenting"
|
|
give them copies of these
16 re/marital
and one or more of these
and encourage them to assess themselves honestly. If they do, counsel them
as appropriate.
encourage
couples to take
their time studying this array of questions
co-parents should ask (and answers)
give them a copy of the
Project-1 overview and wound-assessment guide (after you've validated
them). Then help couples
evaluate whether one or both partners to have
significant symptoms of false-self
If they do, they'll
need reassurance and guidance on (a) what that
and
(b) what they can
Most
importantly, they'll need straight, caring advice about whether you think
they are really
to (re)marry.
encourage
couples to invest in the
guidebook for
Four of the Projects apply to typical first-time couples without
prior children. Option: encourage couples to do
this modular re/marriage preparation
based on Projects 1-7 before they
decide
to exchange vows.
This is the
greatest single protection
(re)marriers have against unexpected years of anxiety,
confusion, guilt, hurt, and
divorcing legally or emotionally. If one or both partners are
ruled by false selves, expect them to
resist
or pay only lip service to your suggestions.
give couples a copy of this
Project-7 overview and short or full
versions of the three related
right-choice worksheets. These are included in the guidebook above, and
can also be accessed on the Web.
refer motivated couples to these
self-study articles (and/or give them copies of
selected articles), and counsel them
as appropriate to their situation.
refer couples to veteran stepfamily
couples who you believe will describe both their satisfactions and problems
honestly, and offer clear, specific advice to courting co-parents. Couples
who minimize or deny their step problems to "?be nice and upbeat" are
potentially harming prospective re/marriers and their kids!
help
couples learn how to choose qualified stepfamily advisors and
authors.
facilitate couples using (a) the
Prepare/Enrich
2000 or (b) the FOCCUS
marriage-preparation instruments and programs. Each requires trained lay or
professional facilitators
I'm certified to provide the
Prepare/Enrich
2000 instrument. One
version of this computer-aided service for engaged or re/engaged couples (Prepare
MC) is designed to help pre-stepfamily couples assess their
strengths and "growth opportunities." I respect the immense amount of
clinical research and skill that's gone into the design of the P/E programs, and
believe they're of great good.
However,
the MC version lacks (a) meaningful assessment of, and
(b)
provider training on
assessing for
effective
and
stepfamily ignorance and unrealistic
expectations.
Therefore, even if a couple "scores well" on Prepare MC, they and dependent kids are still at high risk of
marital and
stepfamily distress, and ultimate psychological or legal re/divorce.
The clinically-based
FOCCUS materials also appear to
omit the four vital factors above. If a FOCCUS facilitator lacks information
and training on each of them, couples may choose re/marriage unaware of
these major hazards.
help
couples who re/marry, (a) adapt these
wedding-service options to fit your and their situation; and (b) mention
the five re/marital hazards
in your wedding liturgy. Use these
re/wedding
resources as
appropriate. Option: periodically dedicate a
worship service to the adults and kids in
and stepfamily homes and
relationships.
|
If you sanctify (re)marriages, you are the front line against the
probable trauma of psychological and legal
Your dedication to God's work and resources like those above can
make a major difference for each divorcing family and
stepfamily you serve. It's highly likely
if you don't alert
couples to the marital and co-parenting hazards they face - no one
will. |
You can also help to promote high-nurturance families and prevent re/divorce
if you...
4) Alert Your Church and Local Communities
Representative options:
Develop a lay-assisted
(a) divorce recovery and/or (b)
re/marriage-preparation ministry as part of your church's congregational
and community programs. Does your denomination and Board provide
encouragement, guidance, and materials to do this?
Resources:
Encourage your family-life staff
to offer informed classes on...
-
assessing for false-self wounds and recovering from them;
-
building effective communication skills,
-
effective three-level grieving,
and...
-
stepfamily and co-parenting
basics
Resources:
-
this
free 7-session re/marriage-preparation
has modular session outlines, visual masters, handouts, and a
leader guide that includes each of the four topics above.
Module 8 is a stand-alone three-hour guided role-play
for adults, older kids, or professionals to help them experience what a new stepfamily feels like.
-
Rev. Ron Deal's
Christian-oriented weekend course Building
a Successful Stepfamily provides helpful
focus, facts, and encouragement. Like most other stepfamily support programs,
this one omits any focus on the vital
It is still valuable.
Sponsor a
Rainbows
grief-support program for adults and kids.
More
options to alert your church and local communities...
Organize and maintain a
co-parent support group dedicated to (a) learning stepfamily
realities and (b) cooperative healing
and problem-solving, vs. griping, whining, and/or
catastrophizing. If you sponsor a ministry to
divorcing families, add an educational program to help them (a)
learn these life skills, and (b) understand why the
are important
investments in their and their kids' future lives.
See these experience-based
articles on starting and maintaining an effective self-help
group for co-parents (or anything).
Develop and distribute a list of
Internet resources for non-custodial parents - e.g.
Mothers Without Custody and
Kids Rights radio.
Sharpen your
knowledge and
skills
required for providing
stepfamily pastoral and lay counseling. This whole
Web site is
devoted to developing high-nurturance divorcing-family
and stepfamily relationships. Your
knowledge of and sensitivity to the spiritual
part of wholistic health and growth is a priceless asset that many
other counselors can't or don't provide.
Develop and
maintain a church library of qualified
stepfamily-support materials,
and periodically let alert your church and larger communities to
this resource and why it's vital.
Develop a network of local (a) human-service professionals (e.g.
counselors, attorneys, case-workers, educators, and law-enforcers) and (b)
agencies who are informed and motivated to prevent divorce.
Resources: this
prevention series and linked
articles, and these related guidebooks.
Network with colleagues in your and other faiths
and pool
your spirits, resources, and ideas to help prevent re/divorce.
Several community churches who coordinate supports like the above together
can do enormous regional good for present and future steppeople and their descendents!
Resource:
research
what
the Interfaith Network can offer.
If
you feel called to help people honor the sacrament of marriage on a national
or international level, the most impactful contribution you can make is
to...
5) Alert Denominational
Policy-makers
Your denomination's policies and resources affect millions of families. I
presume your denomination has official and unofficial policies and programs
on...
-
marriage
and enrichment,
-
divorce prevention,
mediation, and recovery,
-
divorcing-family ("single-parenting") support, and...
-
sanctified remarriage.
The home office probably offer regional and local
church organizations guidance, support materials, consultation, and funding
to implement these policies.
Option: choose to lobby for
appropriate regional and/or denominational policy change if your
policy-makers do not yet morally condone and support the widespread American
realities of...
-
unsanctified cohabiting,
child conception, and co-parenting,
-
minor
and adult children of
addicted caregivers
-
psychological and legal
and...
-
and
.
Of many ways to harmonize denominational policy and priorities with these
cultural realities, I propose that three themes are exceptionally important for all families and our
society: increasing clergy and lay awareness on...
Why
and how to break the
of
parenting and psychological
and how this cycle blocks wholistically-healthy marriage.
Clergy who provide pre-marital
counseling have a unique chance to alert courting couples to this cycle
before they (re)wed;
How to communicate and problem-solve
- e.g. by learning these seven related
universal human
rights, and essential
and
other key attitudes; and...
Why and how co-parents can co-create
homes and families that promote wholistically-healthy
- i.e.
If
your denomination sponsors schools (vs. religious education programs), including
these themes in their curricula can significantly raise popular awareness and
promote high-nurturance marriages and families.
Another policy-level opportunity is offering community marriage-preparation and divorce-recovery classes that
include these three mainline topics. A third opportunity is to weave
these topics into church and professional curricula on pastoral, marital,
and family counseling and therapy.
|
The greatest opportunity to reduce our tragic American divorce
epidemic is via new national and state legislation: we need to discourage wounded, unaware
partners from (1) marrying, and (2) conceiving and raising children
without (a) effective personal
and (b) qualified
education on these topics. Options for promoting
this legislation are beyond the scope of this divorce-prevention
article and Website. |
We've just explored practical ways you and your co-workers can help
reduce the major personal, family, and social trauma of (re)divorce on
five levels. Can you describe any awarenesses you've gained from
reading this? If so, what do you want to do with them, if
anything?
Recap
This is
one of a
series of Web articles inviting professional and lay effort to
prevent (a) unwise marital
decisions and child conceptions, (b) low-nurturance families, and (c) psychological and legal divorce.
Restated: this article and Website exist to motivate and empower people to break
the epidemic
of unawareness and wounding
from low-nurturance childhoods.
This article is for clergypersons who serve families directly and indirectly,
specially those who sanctify re/marriages and counsel couples and parents.
It's also written to the people that train, counsel, ordain, evaluate, and support them.
The article outlines some assumptions about typical clergy, then presents five
levels of opportunity for helping to strengthen marriages and families,
and prevent divorce.
The single greatest contribution professional clergy and lay ministers
can make to reduce our tragic American wounding and divorce epidemic is
to...
-
validate the low-nurturance > wounding cycle and ignorance fuels
it, and...
-
commit to
educating courting partners on
them, so they can choose the right
to
commit to, for the right
at the right
This site proposes
to help motivate and support couples to do that. It offers
for re/married couples. Of these 12, Projects 3, 4, 9, and 10, are
unique to stepfamily re/marriages.
|
You
are uniquely positioned by calling and profession to make a huge
difference for adults and kids who
about
these vital
dangers, and Projects! |
Note these guidebooks that integrate the key
Web resources in this educational Web site.
May God's Light, Love, and Grace sustain you in your holy work!
For
more perspective, read this related prevention article written
to professional motivators.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not - what
you need?
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