The Web address of this
tw-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/prevent/clients.htm
Continued...
Alert Others to Healthy-relationship
Basics
Would you agree that the people you serve are interested - as you are - in
maintaining satisfying personal and work relationships? Once again, most
people you work with are probably not aware of some basic concepts they
could use to improve selected (or all) the relationships that matter to them
- starting with the relationships among the many active
comprising their
Unless you're a counselor, therapist, or mediator, you probably feel that
alerting your clients or students to "relationship basics" is beyond the
scope of the services you should offer. You may also feel somewhat
unqualified to advise others on this complex, vital topic - specially if you
have significant "relationship problems" in your own life.
Two major prevention options you can choose are (a) modeling
effective-relationship basics with your clients and students, and (b)
referring them to key resources if they comment on stressful relationships
with kids or adults in the course of your work.
To
refresh your perception of these basics, get undistracted, think of your
most important relationships, and...
-
try this self-assessment quiz.
Then...
-
reflect on this summary of the
ingredients of a
mutually-satisfying relationship,
-
review these premises
about resolving "relationship problems," and...
-
compare these ideas
to what you believe about giving other people effective (useful)
feedback.
Think about applying these concepts to your most important family,
social, and work relationships. Then imagine each of your clients,
customers, or students experiencing one or more of these (or similar)
resources. If you feel selected people would find the resources useful,
consider (a) handing out copies of one or more of these with suitable
explanation, or (b) referring your clients or students to these Web
resources. These relationship
resources differ from others like them in that they build on the
keystone concepts of false-self wounds and effective-communication basics.
Perspective: regardless of their formal education, typical people don't
know they need to know three things for successful relationships: (a)
spotting and healing false-self wounds, and empathizing with wounded people
vs, criticizing or rejecting them; (b) awareness of surface and primary
needs, and (c) effective communication basics and skills. Would you say this
is true of most of the people you serve (and work with)? If you say "yes,"
then note your opportunity to alert
them to what's possible even if they don't ask or expect you to.
Whatever your human-service occupation and role, you can play a vital role
in preventing or reducing stress in a special group of the people you serve:
Alert Others to Stepfamily Hazards and
Protections
Premise from
29 years'
professional stepfamily research: typical U.S. stepfamily kids and adults
experience major role and relationship stress, often resulting in
psychological and legal re/divorce.
Typical stepfamily adults and most human-service professionals (like you)
don't know what they need to know to prevent or reduce this
widespread multi-generational trauma.
If
you're not clear on what a
is, review this and return here. Imagine what
selected clients or students (or your divorced and/or re/married friends or
relatives) would feel and think after reading what you just did.
Guesstimate what percent of the people you serve are (a) considering
divorce, (b) maritally separated and divorcing, (c) divorced or widowed
bioparents, and (d) members of a courtship or legal (re/married) stepfamily.
Perspective: almost half of recent U.S. marriages end in legal divorce, most
of them involving children. About 70% of divorced or widowed American
parents re/marry, and roughly one of five living U.S. families is a
stepfamily, with regional variations.
Implication: a significant
minority of the people you serve are probably in a high-stress stepfamily
now, or will be.
block typical well-intentioned stepfamily adults from seeking the
information and support they need. Those who do seek help are often
unaware of how to discern accurate, practical
stepfamily advice from unqualified or impractical counsel. This offers
you a major chance to prevent significant stress in the families of
those you serve, though doing so may be outside your "regular" professional
services.
Unless you're a clergyperson, professional divorce
mediator, family-life
educator (CFLE), social caseworker, or a
mental-health pro, the people who seek your
expertise will probably not expect you to advise them on stepfamily issues.
Unless you have personal experience and/or professional training in
stepfamily
realities, and
you probably don't offer structured advice about common stepfamily
and key
to the people you serve or work with. True? If so and you want to help those
you serve prevent stepfamily stress and trauma, what are your options?
Learn
First, think of someone you care about who is in a divorcing family or a
stepfamily. Then get undistracted, and
educate yourself on what those
people need to know:
-
Key stepfamily facts
-
Five common stepfamily (re/marital)
and 12 safeguard
for typical co-parents
-
What it
to live in a
stepfamily
-
Common
for courting co-parents
-
Common stepfamily surface
problems, and the
that cause them; and...
-
Scan (a) these questions
typical co-parents need to answer, and (b) this
menu of articles on options for
reducing typical stepfamily problems.
Do you think typical courting or committed stepfamily couples and their
supporters would know this information? Do you feel they ought to know it
for their and their kids' sakes?
Assess
Your second option is to
evolve a quick way of assessing
whether the people you serve are - or may be - in a stepfamily. A
useful question is:
"Do you and/or your current partner
(if any) have kids from a prior union?"
This is better than asking "Are you in a stepfamily now?", because many
co-parents will say "no" to from ignorance or to avoid discomfort with their
stepfamily
If you're reluctant to ask a question like this, imagine that you are like a
guide who rents canoes to vacationing families, and knows there are
dangerous whitewaters and falls downriver. In effect, you're asking "Do you
know of the major dangers you'll face if you go downstream?" Would you want
someone to warn you of some significant danger?
Alert and Motivate
Typical stepfamily adults aren't
aware they need to learn about false-self wounds, effective
communication and grief, and relationship and stepfamily basics. One way to
get their attention is to ask...
"Did you know that typical
stepfamilies like yours differ from traditional
biofamilies in over 60 ways, which risks
five major hazards?"
I
have never heard "Yes," from well over 1,000 typical co-parents and
supporters I've asked. A normal response is "Uh, no... so what?"
The basic answer is "So to protect yourself and those you care about, you
need to know what your family adults should learn about stepfamilies."
Discuss this as appropriate, and offer your students or clients copies of
some or all of the six summaries above. They recommend learning about the
other four prevention topics in this article, and point to relevant
resources. You may also offer copies of any of the other printed summaries
mentioned earlier - they're all
relevant to anyone in a divorced or widowed family, or considering or in a
stepfamily.
Refer
A final prevention
step you can take with these people is to locate a qualified local
family-life educator or mental-health professional to refer them to. If you
work in a group setting, ideally one of your coworkers will be developing
their expertise in one or all of the five prevention topics here. If not,
ask around to see if you can find a qualified
professional in your community. If you can't find one, pick an agency you
think would want to have such an expert, and suggest they
develop or hire one as a community resource. See this
and this for options and ideas.
+ + +
Think of an existing client or student who merits for this stepfamily
alert, and imagine taking the steps above. How do you think they would
react? How would you feel? If such people aren't receptive, keep in mind the
idea that you're planting seeds which may sprout in the future. Alert them,
and then let go of feeling responsible for the other person/s, to
avoid unwarranted guilt and anxiety.
Option: if you meet with these persons again, ask if they followed up
on any or all of these five prevention topics. If they
did, you ask what results they're experiencing so far. Some benefits will
come quickly. Others take many months of patient exploring and risking new
attitudes and behaviors before the benefits manifest.
|
A key
requisite to get the benefits is your client, patient, or
student feeling steadily motivated to have their Self (capital
"S") guide and harmonize their other personality subselves.
|
A Word About "Resistance"
and "Denial"
As you know, human Nature motivates us all to avoid or postpone significant
life-changes we're not self-motivated to make - specially core-attitude
(second-order) changes. The theme of these five prevention topics is "You
and your family will be better of if you choose to change your knowledge,
attitudes, and key behaviors" - like changing they way they communicate.
If you agree, then expect the people you're trying to alert to
c/overtly "resist" and/or postpone acting on your advice and handouts.
Popular (false self) alternatives are to blame, "fix," and/or control
(manipulate) them "for their own good." Each of these sends an inherent "I'm
1-up"
which increases the odds your peoples' protective false selves will
ignore your well-intentioned prevention advice. Your best options are to (a)
view such resistance with empathy for their wounds and unawareness, not
scorn; and to (b) avoid self-blame and unmerited guilt ("I failed to alert
them!").
How do you normally react when people are "resistant" to ideas you believe
in?
+
+ +
We've just reviewed five key prevention topics you can learn about
and proactively alert your clientele (and co-workers) to. The five are
interrelated, so your most impactful
choice is to alert the people you serve to all five. If your
situation doesn't promote that, focus on (a) admitting and healing
false-self wounds and (b) strengthening effective thinking and communicating
skills. These are universally needed by all lay adults, and most
human-service professionals.
Implication: to help prevent or reduce stress and divorce in a much
wider range of families than just your own clientele, (a) alert your
co-workers, management,
and local or regional human-service colleagues
to these vital prevention topics and (b) urge them to choose prevention
rather than reaction. To review your options, follow these three
links.
Recap
This article for human-service professionals is one of a series for people
motivated to help typical adults, kids, and families via prevention.
The series suggests that such people (a) learn up to five key topics; (b)
apply them in their own lives and families, and (c) then decide if they want
to alert other people to how one or more of the prevention topics can
improve their health, relationships, and families. In particular, typical
adults can use these five topics to help prevent adding to the tragic
American psychological or legal divorce epidemic .
This article offers more detail and options on
how to alert the people you serve
professionally to (a) one or more of these family-stress
prevention topics, and (b) the [wounds + ignorance] cycle they promote
spreading down the generations. There are more detailed similar articles for
clergy, mental-health,
medical, mediation,
family-law, law
enforcement, education, and
media professionals.
Related articles in this series explore ways you can alert
co-workers and colleagues
in related human-service professions, professional associations, and
professional licensure, policy, standard, and evaluation organizations.
+ + +
