Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents

How You Can Help Prevent
Family Stress and Divorce
p. 2 of 4

By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW

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The Web address of this four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/prevent/intro.htm

Continued...

What are my personal and family policies on feeling and expressing anger and healthy grief? Is anyone I care about (starting with me) blocked in grieving major losses (broken bonds)? If so, what should I do? Option - print, pass on, and discuss copies of any linked article or worksheet.

Follow the links above, and notice your thoughts and feelings;

(a) Read this research reprint, (b) take this quiz honestly, and (c) review this "good grief" slide presentation or this overview.

For context, read this article on interpersonal bonding, and this perspective on losses (broken bonds). Then review this worksheet on common intangible ("invisible") losses, and note your reactions;

Generalize this article on "depression" to fit any relevant person/s. Then...

Clarify your current grief policies by reading and discussing...

this worksheet on your grieving values,

this article on grieving permissions,

the six steps to "good (healthy) grief," and...

this example of a useful good-grief policy.

If you feel your or your family's grief policies inhibit healthy mourning, work to...

keep your Self in charge of your personality,

practice daily awareness of yourself and other people,

upgrade your own (personal) anger and grief attitudes and values as appropriate,

inform other family members of what you're learning here, and invite them to study and discuss these articles and this slide presentation. Then ask them to...

evolve pro-grief policies personally and in your home and family.

Option - use these ideas to identify what the specific anger and grief policies were in your childhood family. Then identify specifically how each policy has affected you and any siblings and children.

Use this symptom checklist & to help decide whether anyone you care about is blocked in grieving, starting with you. Ask informed, trustworthy people for objective feedback on this.

For more perspective on healthy three-level grieving and your family, read this & .

Option - re-take this quiz on bonding, losses, and healthy-grieving basics to (a) affirm what you've learned and (b) refresh your perspective on what most other people don't know about this vital topic.

If you feel you or someone else is significantly blocked in grieving their losses (broken bonds), learn, discuss, and select among the options in Project 5. Options include finding and using a qualified grief counselor or therapist. Ideally, s/he will be open to learning (a) how false-self wounds and (b) ignorance inhibit healthy three-level grieving, and (c) what to do about each of those.

Who else would benefit from knowing what I now know about the [wounds + ignorance] cycle and its effects?

        You'll learn how to answer this on the next page in step 3. You can do great good for many people if you alert them to what you and your family are learning about nurturance levels, subselves, false-self wound impacts and recovery, and effective communication, grieving, and effective parenting!

Resource - to further help you apply these vital concepts to your own life, use this link-index of the many worksheets, quizzes, and checklists in this nonprofit site.

+ + +

        The first two steps in preventing the toxic effects of the [wounds + ignorance] cycle in your family and society are...

learn key new information on family nurturance, personalities and psychological wounding, and effective communication and grieving. Then...

experience applying your knowledge to yourself and your family.

The last step is to...

Step 3) Alert Others to What You've Learned

        If you've ever committed to reduce some social problem, you know that the first steps are believing (a) in a vision, and (b) that your efforts to bring the vision to life really count. So to help reduce the toxic [wounds + unawareness] cycle eroding our culture and Earth, first...

Create a Vivid Vision

        Imagine your neighborhood, church, social community, state, nation, or our world where...

Most kids (a) are raised to know and appreciate the subselves that govern their personality, and (b) are helped to harmonize their subselves by serene, aware parents and teachers who are guided by their own true Selves and Higher Power. And imagine...

Most people wanting to learn how to problem-solve effectively as partners, rather than fight, deny, blame, avoid, or flee. And imagine a region or world where ...

Most people are aware, motivated, and able to (a) help each other grieve life's inevitable losses (broken bonds), and to (b) avoid false-self alternatives like addictions, "depression," medication, numbness, illness, isolation, or "acting out." And envision...

Local or national legal divorce dropping from ~50% to ~10%, without most of the other 90% being in denial or enduring daily misery.

        Now imagine sitting in pleasant, quiet surroundings with an elderly person you care deeply about. It is a time for appreciation, regret, and goodbyes, because the person is close to death. S/He is your future self. Imagine having a heartfelt, honest conversation with your elderly self about the meaning, highlights, and regrets of your life.

        Reminisce about what you dreamed (or didn't), and what you risked to realize your dreams. Imagine reflecting together on the people whose lives were benefited in some way by your talents, energy, passions, and risks. Imagine hearing "If only I..." How would you like that conversation to go?

        Some day you really will have this conversation...

        Reflect on the premise that every person - including you - has a unique talent and purpose for being alive. Can you think of a person who has identified their life purpose and steadily devoted their time and energy to it? Does the slogan "Be all you can be!" describe you now?

        Psychologist Abraham Maslow called living "on purpose" self actualization. Psychology professor Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi published an intriguing book about it called "Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience"

        Professional motivators suggest choosing to live each day from a thoughtful personal mission or vision statement. Recovery expert John Bradshaw observes that most of us are so habitually caught up in daily trivia and distractions that we should be called Human Doings rather than Human Beings. Social reformer John W. Gardner observed "By middle life, most of us are accomplished fugitives from ourselves." Is that your experience?

        What are your inner voices (dominant subselves) saying now? Are they interested and inspired, or cynical, bored, and pessimistic? If the latter, it may be that they don't yet see any practical way of bringing your vision of a better world to life - or feel that trying to do so is too risky. If you're a human-service professional on any level, skip to here. Otherwise, see what your subselves think about these options...

Pick a Target Group and a Goal

        One of the priceless things that recovery from false-self wounds has taught me is to avoid blindly reducing complex situations to only two choices. Black-white thinking by protective, insecure subselves is a common childhood strategy to avoid feeling overwhemed. Here, that manifests as seeing that your prevention vision has many options, vs. do it all (save the world) or do nothing.

        So your next option is to evolve a version of your mission that seems do-able, and work toward it by (a) picking a group of people you want to affect, and (b) defining what you want to educate and inspire them on. For example, imagine motivating people in...

Target groups

your family and social circle, and/or...

your church, parish, or denomination, and/or...

one or more schools or school districts, and/or...

residents of your community, and/or...

some to all human-service professionals; and/or...

some or all 12-step, single-parent, jail inmates, or other group/s, and/or...

courting couples in your town, state, or country; and/or...

residents of your county, state, country, or continent; and/or...

a media population (e.g. newspaper, Web, or TV audience); and/or...

people who speak your language (e.g. English), and/or...

your co-workers, and/or profession...

to learn about and apply one or more of these topics:

Prevention Topics

personality subselves, and false-self wounds and recovery;

communication basics, and/or one or more of the seven related skills - e.g. empathic listening;

why and how to develop personal and social awareness

healthy relationships (bonding) and effective grieving;

building high-nurturance families and organizations - i.e. why and how to break the [wounds + ignorance] cycle;

divorce prevention (healthy-marriage preparation);

stepfamily basics, realities, merger tasks, implications, and/or success
guidelines;

kids' needs, and effective co-parenting

some of these questions and answers;

solutions to one or more of these common family problems

This free eight-module re/marriage-preparation course

how to start and maintain an effective co-parent support group.

        Notice how many choices you have! Now what are your inner voices saying? If you're working to manage major personal life problems or are controlled by a false self, your voices may be saying "Yes, but... ( various reasons you can't act to help people in your target group now, or ever)"

        Once you have a tentative or clear view of your target group and prevention goal/s, your next stress-prevention option is to...

Pick a Time to Act

        How mature (vs. old) are you? In his classic book Childhood and Society, psychiatrist Erik Erikson proposed that we all encounter eight developmental stages across our lives. He proposed that "passing" each stage required mastering prior stages. The seventh stage is "generativity... concern in establishing and guiding the next generation."

        If Erik is right and you haven't yet reached your generativity stage, it may be too early for you to think about protecting existing and future kids from false-self wounding, unhappiness, illness, divorce, ineffective communication and grieving, and premature death. If so, your options include...

refer and/or pass a copy of this Web article on to someone you think might be inspired by it, and gain satisfaction from helping someone fill their needs for generativity; and/or...

save this article and your current vision, and review it at a future time to see if your generativity stage has arrived, and/or...

disregard the four or five topics above, because you already have a passion and mission (life purpose) that inspires and satisfies you.

        Once you pick a target group and goal/s, and the time feels right, you have many ways you may...

Act on Your Vision

Develop Self Awarenesses...

        Since discovering and acting on my life mission after turning 40, I've learned to focus on "What options will give me the most satisfaction now?" rather than "Who can I help the most?" or "How can I do the most good?" My wounded, unaware parents unintentionally taught me that my needs were less important than other peoples' needs (Dad: "Always think of the other guy!").

        Recovering from false-self wounds has taught me that an "equal-equal" (mutual respect) attitude - i.e. "Your and my needs, dignity, and worth are of equal value to me now." is far more satisfying short and long term. While ruled by my well-meaning false self, I couldn't genuinely live by that without significant guilt, shame, and anxiety.

        So your options here include deciding "Who am I trying to please?", and "What do I need from my vision?", as well as what your target-people need. (a) Keeping your and their needs and rights balanced, and (b) accepting what you can and can't control, will promote serenity and respect in you and others. Recall the last time you felt serene (vs. anxious, numb, confused, etc.)...

        Meditate on this: "Do I need to achieve my whole vision, or can I feel satisfied enough by trying to achieve it?" One option is to see yourself as someone whose vision and efforts will prepare other motivated people to manifest your vision.

        The ancient person who first showed others that charcoal left marks on a rock died well short of visioning all humans using pencils, pens, or pixels to "mark our rocks." An inspiring illustration of this concept is the audio tape or book of the story "The Man Who Planted Trees," by Jean Giono. I highly recommend the tape, which adds the evocative music of the Paul Winter Consort.

        Other self-awarenesses that can affect how you decide to act...

"Do I want to make money at this?"

"Am I seeking fame, power, recognition, praise, or gratitude here?

"Am I trying to please or prove something to someone, by acting on my vision?"

"Do I need or want help to manifest my vision?", and...

"Is this really my vision, or have I taken on someone else's dream?"

        What are your communication strengths? Are you a captivating or persuasive public speaker? A skilled writer? An artist, sculptor, playwright, dancer, or poet? Can you instinctively inspire, facilitate, and guide other people toward some goal?
        Are you specially charismatic with young people? Teens? Disabled or dying people? Elderly? Fe/males? Immigrants? Homeless? Addicts? Jail inmates? Parents? Your unique (subselves') interests, values, and skills will determine how you can best enjoy working to manifest your vision.
Continue step 3...