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| Break the [wounds +
unawareness] cycle and guard your descendents |
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How Divorce Mediators Can Help
Prevent Family Stress and
Divorce
p. 2 of 2
By
Peter K. Gerlach, MSW |
 The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/prevent/mediators.htm
Continued...
Another way you can promote fully-effective mediation is to...
3)
Teach
Clients Effective Communication Skills
Premise: regardless of the surface details, each of your client
couples has two primary problems: (a) they have unseen false-self wounds,
and (b) they don't know how to communicate effectively yet. Once they're
aware of these, they may choose to reduce them together, over time.
Two more things you can work at over time to provide more effective
mediation are (a) upgrade and practice your own communication skills, and
(b) improve your ability to motivate clients to learn
to communicate more effectively.
Upgrade Your Own Skills
I suspect your reaction is "I already do
that." Yes, and I'll bet you could do more.
I've studied and taught effective thinking and communication skills for
almost 40 years. Check which of these is true now to see if I'm right about
you...
_ 1)
My true Self is
my other personality
right now. (If not, your answers to the following may be
_ 2) I
(a) can name and describe the two requisites for
and (b) I'm consistently competent at assessing clients (and others) for
each of them;
_ 3) I
can name (a) the
that any two people try to satisfy by
"communicating," and (b) the
need
that always
determines whether
communication is effective or not;
_ 4) I
can name the four concurrent messages
any communication partners always decode from each other, and
the
three different "channels" we all use to send and decode
these messages;\
| _ 5) I can describe
and assess the essential
that each communication partner must have about themselves and their
partner/s for effective communication to be possible. |
_ 6) I
can explain in enough depth (a) how false-self
may
block
that vital attitude in one or both communication
partners, and (b) what to do
when that happens;
_ 7) I
can quickly name and describe at least 10 of these
common barriers to effective communication without looking,
and (b) I know what to do when I see unaware clients struggling with any
of them;
_ 8) I
can clearly explain to an average adult the difference between effective
and ineffective feedback;
_ 9) I can clearly
illustrate the difference between surface and primary
and describe how this relates to effective
|
_ 10) I
can confidently name and describe in some depth each of the
that I and each of my clients need to gain
fluency in to communicate effectively; |
_ 11) I
can clearly describe (a)
when
to use each skill, and (b) how the first six
contribute to effective problem-solving;
_ 12) I can (a)
clearly describe to an average older teen what an
is, (b) the four possible types of bubbles with any two communicators,
and (c) which type promotes effective communication.
_ 13) I
can clearly explain (a) how effective
problem
solving differs from fighting, arguing, discussing,
"talking things over," avoiding, and withdrawing; and
(b) why most client-couples do the latter despite frustrating outcomes;
_ 14) I
can (a) describe at least 20 of these
39
communication-process dynamics, and I'm skilled at (b) assessing my
clients for these, and (c)
teaching them more effective alternatives;
_ 15) I
(a) know what communication-sequence
mapping
is, and I (b) use it strategically to help my clients become aware of and improve their
communication
process.
If you checked and use all of these in your relationships, I congratulate you! If you're
gifted at teaching others about these concepts, I suspect you, your
clients, and the people who refer them are often pleased with the results of
your work together.
By the way, reflect: how many of the other mediators, attorneys, judges, and
counselors you know would be able to check even 10 of these?
Reality check: (a) get undistracted, take this communication
quiz, and imagine how
typical clients would do with it and feel about it. Then review these
basics,
tips,
phrases,
strengths, this
worksheet, and examples
of digging down, and
win-win and
lose-lose
couple-communications. Then (c) choose which of these best describes you
now:
_ I am content to help my clients negotiate viable
compromises now without putting equal effort into teaching them new
communication knowledge and skills;
_ I want to empower my clients to solve their
conflicts effectively by modeling and teaching them communication basics
and skills;
_ I want to motivate typical couples (not just
clients) to assess their communication and problem-solving abilities and
learning-options before they commit (marry) - specially before
they conceive children.
_ I want to proactively alert the other
human-service professionals I work with to on how false-self wounds and
ignorance of effective-communication basics combine to cause most
relationship problems.
If you're motivated to motivate your
clients to learn and practice more effective communications, consider
these options...
Alert and Motivate Your Clients
To start, coach yourself to keep at least five basics in mind:
-
your professional
effectiveness and satisfaction depend directly on your true Self guiding
your personality much of the time, as well as your knowledge,
experience, and aptitudes.
-
alerting your clients to wound-recovery and
effective-communication principles are of equal importance;
-
typical clients don't know what they don't know, so they
won't expect you to alert them to these two topics, and may "resist"
your doing so;
-
typical client couples will not be aware that what they
think is "my or our problem" really is a symptom of their joint
primary problems
-
use these wise
as you work with each client couple to help keep your boundaries,
goals, and priorities clear. You may accept responsibility for alerting
your clients, but their reaction to your efforts is their
responsibility, not yours. Needing to rescue other people can
indicate false-self dominance.
Next, evolve a comfortable, effective way to assess your clients'
communication knowledge and habits. Add this to your strategy for
assessing
clients' degree of false-self wounds. Options: (a) use this
inventory and this
worksheet to help you do
this, and (b) consider giving copies of these to your clients and inviting
them to self-assess - as teammates, not opponents. Besides learning the
seven skills, seven key topics to alert your clients to are...
-
learning why and
to keep their true Selves
of their respective
-
the vital difference between what they're fighting
about, and
they're communicating ("process awareness");
-
the seven related thinking and communication
that promote avoiding and permanently resolving major conflicts;
-
when and how to
(a) primary needs from surface needs, and (b) who's responsible for
filling those needs;
-
common personal
rights, as a basis for personal integrity, dignity, respect, and
effective
-
learning how to identify and resolve
and associated relationship
and...
-
why and how to help each other maintain two-person
Depending on your circumstances and style, you may combine some or all the
communication handouts
here into a booklet, and give a copy to each client. Alternatives are to
recommend they (a) use relevant Web articles
here, and/or (b) invest in
the related guidebook
Satisfactions (Xlibris.com, 2002). A powerful motivation for most
parents is their wish to teach their children how to communicate effectively
|
The
more effort you invest in alerting your clients to ways they can
improve their communication effectiveness vs. resolving their
surface impasse, the more you all may feel that your mediation
has been fully effective. Do you agree?
|
Option: Alert Couples to
Healthy-relationship Basics
Your clients' primary
problem is usually a mix of one or more of these relationship
- which usually stem from unawareness of false-self wounds +
ignorance. Key barriers to effective communication are (a) partners'
distrust and/or
disrespect of each
other, and (b) not knowing how to assert and enforce effective
boundaries.
Unless you're a therapist, you're probably not responsible for helping
conflicted couples improve self and mutual respect, trust, and
boundaries. You can help them anyway by (a) alerting them to these
barriers, (b) showing clients how the barriers hinder their
communication, and (c) refer interested couples to a qualified local
therapist who can help reduce these barriers.
Premise: if your clients have dependent kids and/or grandkids,
they all will be far better off long-term if the adults work at reducing
their barriers over time, rather than focusing on winning fights - with
or without lawyers -
over "character defects," morals, assets, debts, custody, visitation,
and
Options: if and when
appropriate, (a) give clients copies of some or all of these
handouts,
and/or combine the handouts into a booklet; and/or (b) refer them to
this and
this. If your
clients are divorcing, (c) give them a copy of
this.
Reality check: Pause and reflect -
which of these best describes you now?
_ I accept that typical clients' primary
problems are often a mix of relationship barriers founded on
false-self wounds and ignorance, not the problems they
describe to me.
_ I feel that average client couples aren't aware of
these barriers, and/or how to reduce them.
_ I accept my moral responsibility to alert them to
how their mix of these barriers are promoting the problem/s they
bring to me.
_ I'm comfortable accepting that how clients respond
to my alerting them on the impacts of their relationship barriers
(and the other five
is up to them and my
Reflect: what percentage of your clients are (a) divorced parents and
(b) stepfamily co-parents? Though outside your professional
responsibility, you can greatly help such couples avoid or reduce major
stepfamily stress and possible re/divorce by alerting them to some key
concepts:
Alert Stepfamily Couples to Key
Realities
Many (most?) U.S. couples who hire professional mediators are in
or probably will be. Researchers suggest typical stepfamilies are
high-stress and often re/divorce psychologically or legally. My clinical
experience since 1979 suggests that typical stepfamily adults are stressed
by ignorance of all six prevention
hilighted in this series of articles. It also suggests that typical
human-service professionals like you have no relevant training in at least
four of these topics - including stepfamily
realities,
and
Major implications for you are that (a) your stepfamily clients don't know
what they need to know, (b) their impasses and conflicts are often amplified
by their stepfamily ignorance, and (c) you're more apt to achieve
fully-effective mediation success if you learn stepfamily basics, and choose
to alert your stepfamily clients to what they need to learn. Neither they
nor the court will expect you to do this.
The first step is to decide whether
you have a moral responsibility to alert your stepfamily clients of
what they need to know, and why. If your true Self says "I do," the second
step is to...
Educate Yourself
As with the four other prevention topics, imagine you're a typical client.
Then (a) invest time reading this
true story and these
summaries, (b) notice your own reactions, and (c) imagine how your
clients and colleagues would react to those articles. Gain more detailed
information and perspective - specially if you and/or key relatives
and friends are (or may be) in a stepfamily - by reading these
foundation and
basic articles.
Take a reality check: does it seem likely that most stepfamily adults don't
know most of what you read, and need to know it? If an inner voice
says "Yes, but I'm not qualified to alert my clients to this information," I
respectfully disagree. By scanning or reading this material, you'll gain
enough information and perspective to advise and motivate them. If you don't
do this - who will?
Review the definition of
fully-effective mediation, and then see which of these best
describes you now:
_ I'm convinced typical stepfamily
co-parents and kids (a) are at significant risk of these widespread
hazards, and (b) need to know what I just studied.
_ I'm also convinced that my
(wounded) clients don't know they need this information, and may
discount or reject my suggestion that they learn stepfamily basics.
_ I agree that stepfamily ignorance
can significantly add to co-parents' wounds and ineffective
communication to cause my clients' impasse/s.
_ I fully accept my moral
responsibility to alert stepfamily clients to this information, and why
they need to study it.
_ I'm not sure about my
responsibility now, and need to study and reflect some more before I
decide.
_ It's not appropriate or necessary
for me to alert my stepfamily clients to their hazards and this
information. I feel that alerting them to wounds and/or communication
skills is enough.
|
Reflect - if you were a typical divorcing couple, what would you want
the professionals you hire to do about alerting you to future re/divorce
risks? If you were a redivorcing
client, what would you wish "someone" had alerted you to long
before? |
Watch for
impromptu chances to reality-check the ideas in the article above. Listen for
people's stories about stepfamily life, and why many are very stressed, and
ultimately divorce.
Alert Your Stepfamily Clients
Note that many or most stepfamily ex-mates and stepparents are significantly
and
Common symptoms are (a) hiring professional mediators and/or attorneys to
resolve their impasses, and (b) denying, minimizing, or ignoring their
stepfamily
and what it means.
Responses to three questions can
help you decide whether your clients need to be alerted: if you
decide a client-couple belongs to a psychological or legal
ask...
-
"Do you both accept that you are part of a normal
multi-home stepfamily?"
-
If one or both say "Yes," ask "Have you read much about
how different
stepfamilies and biofamilies are, and what those differences
mean?" And ask...
-
"Are you aware that some stepfamily
factors may be promoting the conflicts you're trying to resolve?"
Hesitance to answer, or one or both partners
responding "No" to any of these questions, justifies alerting them verbally
and with selected handouts and referrals.
Use your own judgment about what to
alert them to verbally, and what handouts and referrals to offer. At
the least, (a) offer copies of these
summaries, in addition to those for
wound-recovery and
effective communication; and (b) refer the couple to any qualified
stepfamily
and/or co-parent support groups
you trust.
The primary
thing to emphasize with your clients is...
"Typical co-parent couples aren't aware of how
very different
stepfamilies are from traditional biofamilies.
You and your kids are probably
at significant risk of stress and re/divorce because of
Learning and discussing what stepfamily
realities may
to you all can help you reduce (a) your current conflicts and (b)
long-term risks."
Give re/divorcing clients - specially
those with stepkids - a copy of
this article,
or refer them to sfhelp.org/08/redivorce.htm The rationale is...
"When you're an
old wo/man
thinking back on this (re/divorce) decision and all its impacts,
you'll want to believe "I (or we)
tried everything possible, before breaking up."
If you're specially enthused about helping your clients and their current
and unborn kids avoid future angst, heartache, and re/divorce, review these "extra credit"
options...
We just reviewed key options and resources for your alerting selected
clients to vital stepfamily information, in addition to the other four alert
topics.
Recap
This article extends
suggestions to study and apply four or five stress-prevention topics to
your personal life and to your mediation clients. The article explores options
for proactively alerting your clients to some or all of the topics -
specially false-self wound recovery and effective-communication principles -
even though they don't expect you to. Fully-effective
mediation will also include your alerting your
co-workers, colleagues, (e.g.
family-law attorneys, judges, and enforcement professionals), and relevant
organizations to
these five prevention topics and their impacts.
Recall why you read this article - did you get what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your wise
or
 For
more perspective, read this related prevention article written
to professional
motivators.
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Updated
October 18, 2008
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