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four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/co-p-q.htm
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This is one of a series of Q&A articles
for typical courting and committed family adults and supporters. The series
exists because my clinical experience with over 1,000 typical
Midwestern-U.S. adults and many health professionals since 1981 is that
their health and lives are
because they don't know they need vital information on several essential
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why are you reading this?
What do you
+ + +
Background
Families exist to
- i.e. to fill the
of their kids
and adults. Typical adults and kids have (a) normal developmental needs and
(b)
special adjustment needs from prior family
separation, divorce, or death;
re/marriage,
cohabiting,
three or more biofamilies
over many years.
Typical
parents and
adults are challenged to form a
and fill
kids' needs and their own effectively, despite many
conflicts
and distractions. Traditional intact-biofamily parenting norms often no longer
apply.
The answers below
aim to help family adults and lay and
professional supporters (a) clarify their and their kids' primary needs,
and (b) help each other fill them well-enough over time. Family
and
in this
Web site focus on
Links below lead to
answers here and in separate Web articles. These answers are meant to augment,
not replace, other
qualified professional
The questions below span basics (co-parenting
values, goals, roles, and expectations), and
experience-based solutions to common co-parenting
problems. The answers
here are brief, and most include links to more detailed
information.
Suggestions...
-
for greater awareness, invest undistracted time in
this quiz with an open mind.
-
scan all the questions
below before following any links. As you do...
-
star or highlight
questions you hadn't thought to ask before, and...
-
note your thoughts
and feelings.
-
after you finish
these four pages, decide if you want to discuss these co-parenting questions and
answers with someone else. Also stay
aware of the other Q&A topics - they all relate to each other.
If you're not interested in
effective parenting after divorce and later re/marriage, skip to these
general parenting questions.
Co-parenting Questions You Should Ask After Divorce and Re/marriage
1)
How can I tell how "functional" or
"healthy" our
divorcing family or stepfamily is?
2)
What is
effective co-parenting? Is it harder to achieve after parental divorce and/or re/marriage?
3) What are the
key problems that typical divorcing or widowed
parents need to
resolve, and
how long does resolution usually take?
4) What are the
typical adjustment needs of
minor kids whose parents separate, divorce psychologically or legally, or die? Do typical stepkids have additional needs? Do
average adult kids have these same needs?
5) When does a
stepfamily begin
- i.e. when do the special needs and stressors of
stepfamily roles and relationships start to affect typical adults and kids?
6)
Is co-parenting in typical divorcing families and stepfamilies
harder than
in average intact biofamilies? If so, why? What does this mean
to average co-parents and kids?
7) How can family
adults
best prepare themselves and dependent kids for a bioparent
committing to a new partner and/or
cohabiting?
8) Who comprises a stepchild's
If
family adults and/or kids disagree on
this, what should co-parents
do?
9) What are
the key things that divorcing bioparents and stepfamily co-parents
need to
know about family management and effective childcare? Where can they learn if
their role and relationship expectations are
realistic?
10) What are
common barriers to co-parents nurturing cooperatively after
divorce and/or re/marriage, and how can the adults reduce these barriers?
11) What
is a co-parenting style, and how can divorcing and stepfamily co-parents best
resolve major
style conflicts?
12) If a stepparent
has no prior child-raising experience (or none with boys, girls, or teens),
should they have equal say in nurturing a stepchild? What if
stepfamily members disagree on this?
13) If
a stepparent has biochildren, should s/he feel guilty or ashamed if
s/he honestly
cares more for them than one or more stepkids?
14) Is
it wrong for a bioparent to expect or demand that (a) their new mate
must
love their resident or visiting stepkids, or that (b) their
biochild must love their stepparent and/or stepsiblings?
15) What can new mates do
if a co-parenting ex spouse or biased (wounded) relative demands that a child
reject or
disobey their stepparent?
16) Is there a
"best way" for typical bioparents and
stepparents to
resolve serious disputes over nurturing minor or grown kids?
17) Is there a best way that co-parents can
manage major changes to
their multi-home family's structure, assets, membership,
values, roles, and rituals?
18) An authority
I respect
says in a conflict, (a) a re/married bioparent should put their child's needs
ahead of their partner's needs, and that (b) the stepparent should accept this.
Is this opinion valid?
19) What is a family
and a co-parenting
and why are they each
essential in most multi-home stepfamilies?
20)
(a) What is
effective
child
discipline, and (b) what if divorcing or re/married co-parents can't agree on disciplinary rules and
consequences in and between a minor child's two homes?
21)
What are the pros and cons of
using lawyers to resolve co-parenting
disputes?
Q & A about
Common
Stepfamily Co-parenting Problems
22) One or more of our co-parents
doesn't care - or vehemently denies - that we're a stepfamily. If this
is a significant problem,
what can we do about it?
23) How can co-parents best prepare
themselves and dependent kids for the
re/marriage or re/divorce of a
bioparent?
24) How can co-parents best prepare
themselves and dependent kids for the conception and birth of a
new ("ours")
child?
25) How can co-parents best prepare
themselves and dependent kids for a child
changing custodial homes, or moving
out for good?
26) Is it better to keep biological
siblings
living together, rather than splitting physical custody between bioparents?
27) We're
conflicted over names and titles in our stepfamily. Are there any
guidelines we can use to unravel this?
28) Is there a
best way to resolve
co-parent
disputes over child (financial) support, including insurance
coverages and wills?
29) What if co-parents can't agree on
child visitation or custody arrangements?
30) What
if a minor child
resists visiting
their noncustodial parent's home?
31) Is
there a best way to handle one
bioparent
withholding child visitation from their ex mate?
32) Is
there a best way for co-parents
to handle
sexual attraction between a stepparent and stepchild? Between
stepsiblings?
33) How
should co-parents handle a
co-grandparent or other relative clearly
treating their biograndkids better
than their step-grandkids?
34)
Is there a best way to resolve complex
divorced-family or stepfamily disputes over
holidays and special celebrations?
35)
Are there any practical guidelines for co-parents to manage major disputes over
religion, race,
or sexual preference?
36) Are there special guidelines for
co-parenting step-teens?
37) What are the most
helpful
resources for stepfamily
co-parents?
If
you don't see your question here, please
ask!
Q1) How
can I tell how "functional" or
"healthy" our
or
is?
Premise: a family works or functions well if it fills most
members'
enough of the time,
according to each member. Over time,
adults and kids need to satisfy (a) normal
developmental
needs, (b)
relationship needs, and
(c)
adjustment needs to react to major
personal and family changes - like divorce, death, and re/marriage.
Experts suggest that
well-functioning or high-nurturance
families have common behavioral traits like
these. Another way of estimating family
functionality is to
whether or not
their leaders and ancestors had any significant false-self
and other traits. Psychological wounds
suggest a low-nurturance childhood and ancestry.
Study the linked articles above to estimate your or
someone else's family's
or "functionality" (low to high). Premise: most adults raised in significantly
low-nurturance families are often controlled by protective
These
symptoms of low nurturance and psychological wounds until the person hits
and starts to
(reduce their wounds).
Two reasons for assessing the nurturance level of your (or
someone's) past or present family are
to judge (a) whether you or another
person has
significant false-self wounds and (b) may be unintentionally
to
vulnerable dependents.
top
Q2)
What is
effective co-parenting? Is it harder to achieve after parental divorce and/or re/marriage?
Premise - parenting
is the awesome adult responsibility and ~20-year process of...
-
nurturing a minor child toward
and successful adult
independence, while...
-
filling each family adult's
+
+
other daily needs well
enough, to...
-
intentionally
maintain a
family environment
in a changing world.
"Nurturing a minor child" means
(a) "understanding, monitoring, and effectively filling their
developmental and
special needs well
enough, and (b) minimizing psychological wounds."
Key indicators of co-parenting effectiveness are (1) any
symptoms of false-self wounds (i.e.
of a disabled true Self), (2) how well a growing child can identify
his/her needs and respectfully
them (problem-solve), and (3) how well the child functions as an
independent adult - including how effective a co-parent s/he becomes.
Parental effectiveness isn't fully known for several
decades, until the grown child leaves home and nurtures the next generation.
If parents have
obvious behavioral
traits of
they probably
(a) weren't
parented effectively themselves, and
(b) are at high risk of providing
ineffective parenting despite
experience, education, and the best
intentions.
Effective co-parenting after
and/or re/marriage is often significantly harder to achieve than
intact-biofamily co-parenting for reasons like
these.
top
Q3)
What
are the
key
parenting problems that typical divorcing or widowed adults need to resolve, and
how long does resolution usually take?
Every adult has basic adjustment needs to fill when they
separate and
psychologically and legally or
their mate dies. Typical kids have
similar needs. Typical adults and kids are only vaguely aware of vital needs
like these...
-
(accept) a
web of
physical and
invisible
(broken bonds) on mental, emotional,
and spiritual levels, and regain interest in pursuing their life
purposes and dreams; and...
-
adjust and stabilize their personal
("I am now a divorced father"),
and key
relationships; and...
-
keep their
as they
(a) do these difficult tasks while (b) satisfying
their underlying
over many
months, and...
-
seek and accept appropriate human and spiritual
to accomplish these and maintain or
regain their
Depending on many factors, adults can
begin these adjustments well before a divorce or foreseen death, and take
up to a dozen years or more to "complete" them and really stabilize.
Two major factors that shape how long this adjustment period takes are
whether the person is significantly burdened by false-self
and whether they live in a
social environment (family +
friends + workplace + church community, if any) which
healthy grieving.
A key factor in serious courtship is assessing
how far along each
or widowed partner, and each related
minor
child is in this complex adjustment process. The answer promotes
choosing the
to
re/marry
and form
or join a stepfamily.
top
Q4)
What
are the
typical adjustment needs of
minor kids whose parents separate, divorce psychologically or legally or die? Do typical stepkids have additional needs? Do
average adult kids have these same needs?
All
kids must fill
basic
developmental
needs to prepare them for successful adult independence.
Among them, the need to heal
false-self
is key, and is often unseen until mid-life
forces
admitting it. These wounds make
filling developmental and family-adjustment needs much harder - specially if
kids' caregivers are wounded too.
Average girls and boys whose parents separate or divorce have up to a
dozen additional needs to adjust to
the impacts of all the changes in their lives. Their parents and
siblings have their own adjustment needs.
When a single bioparent starts to date seriously,
their minor kids can experience up to
12 more adjustment needs to restabilize their lives. They may or may not
have filled their family-breakup needs when these new ones appear. Most kids
have little say in when these new needs occur, and most of their caregivers
are only hazily aware of them. Reality check: try naming these
common adjustment needs before
following the link above.
Bottom line: depending on many things,
typical minor and grown
stepkids can have two to four sets of concurrent needs to fill, with little
informed adult guidance:
-
normal developmental needs;
-
adjusting to parental
breakup or death,
-
adjusting to bioparent dating, re/marriage, and
cohabiting;
and
-
from
or adapting to significant early-childhood wounds.
This is partly why it's
vital that courting co-parents choose the
to re/wed, and
invest
major effort in
(assess
kids' needs, negotiate co-parent
and
forge an effective
to nurture kids and
adults as they all develop and
three or more biofamilies
over many years.
top
Q5)
When
does a
stepfamily begin
- i.e. when do the special needs and stressors of
stepfamily roles and relationships start to affect typical adults and kids?
A stepfamily "begins" psychologically when a single parent starts to date a new partner
(potential stepparent) "seriously." Then the special needs and
of
stepfamily
and
start to affect courting adults, their
minor and grown kids, their ex mates, and concerned relatives and
friends.
Courting partners' knowing this "beginning" is vital, because typical stepfamilies have unique
norms,
structural
differences,
and alien adjustment
tasks and
realities.
These can combine to cause couples,
kids, ex mates, and kin major distress - if they haven't fully accepted (a) their
stepfamily
and
(b) what this identity
to them all.
Family
and
in this
divorce-prevention Web site help couples accept these
things well - ideally before
vowing mutual commitment.
See the practical guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship
(Xlibris.com, 2002) for more
perspective, options, and resources.
top
Q6)
Is co-parenting in typical divorcing families and stepfamilies
harder than
in average intact biofamilies? If so, (a) why, and (b) what does this mean
to average co-parents and kids?
In
typical
families and
co-parenting means
"the ongoing process of adults helping each other to
identify and fill...
-
the
daily, developmental,
and family-adjustment needs of dependent children; and...
-
fill each other's
and
other daily needs."
Compared to parents in typical intact
biofamilies, co-parents in
average divorcing families and stepfamilies have a harder time doing these well.
Most have (a) more concurrent needs to fill than biofamily adults, (b) more distractions, (c) fewer
financial resources, and (d) less
informed help.
This implies that without special adult
dedication, and help,
the
