Continued from p. 2...
Q18)
An authority I respect
says in a conflict, (a) a re/married bioparent should put their child's needs
ahead of their partner's needs, and that (b) the stepparent should accept this.
Is this valid?
Authorities who aren't aware what causes our unremarked national
re/divorce epidemic can earnestly recommend
that in non-emergency conflicts,...
Wrong! After
29 years' study of typical U.S. stepfamilies,
I believe such well-meant
advice is
often harmful. Common
surface reasons
for millions of re/divorces are (a) a stepparent wearying of feeling too unspecial and losing hope their mate
will change; and/or (b) a bioparent wearying of feeling relentlessly caught "in
the middle" of stressful
and seeing no hope of change.
The underlying
primary reasons for this are
often that one or both
partners made up to three
re/marital
decisions, and weren't aware of how to
against these
unavoidable
| What
seems to work best for everyone long-term (when no compromises appear), is re/married co-parents agreeing to put their
and
first, their
relationship second, and everything else third,
except in emergencies.
Paradoxically, this scheme puts dependent kids' welfare first
by protecting them from probable psychological or legal re/divorce trauma.
|
This is one reasons co-parents do well to help each other keep a
long-range outlook ("fireproof the forest"), vs. just putting out brush fires
(conflicts) as they keep flaring up.
Do
the stepparents in your family feel special enough often enough to
their mates? Do you all have an effective strategy to avoid or
resolve loyalty
conflicts yet? If not, what's in the way?
top
Q19) What is a family
and a co-parenting
and why are they each
essential in most multi-home stepfamilies?
They're essential because compared to
average intact biofamilies, typical stepfamilies have...
-
many more
and
-
more concurrent adjustment
needs
and tasks,
-
more alien family
to
define and stabilize
(up to 30, vs. 15 in biofamilies),
-
a higher chance that co-parents and some kids have significant false-self
and...
- less effective available social
support.
Result:
typical stepfamilies
are at significant risk of escalating
and psychological or legal
Therefore, they need thoughtful mission statements and related co-parent job
descriptions to help overcome these and
The
recent U.S. first-divorce rate (~50%) suggests most
biofamilies need these too! Unless co-parents are alert to
mission
statements and job descriptions usually aren't enough to protect them
and their minor kids from ongoing stress, heartache, and more losses.
Can you say
clearly what you co-parents are trying to achieve with your (step)family, long
term? The title of David Campbell's career-planning book applies to your
adults and kids: "If you don't know where you want to go, you'll probably
end up somewhere else." Think long
term!
top
Q20)
(a) What is
effective
child
discipline, and (b) what if divorcing or re/married co-parents can't agree on disciplinary rules and
consequences in and between a minor child's two homes?
Child discipline is the art and skill of setting and enforcing limits
and consequences to keep kids safe, teach them responsibility and sensitivity, and
preserve family order.
Effective
child discipline (a) accomplishes these goals well enough,
often enough; while (b) succeeding at these stepfamily
merger tasks well enough, and (c) strengthening
re/marriages and adult-child bonds over time.
The second half of co-parent
is a framework to help co-parents
evolve an effective style of stepfamily child discipline together, in the face
of up to 20 differences
from "standard" intact-biofamily child discipline. Can you name these differences and
what they often mean to average stepfamily members?
When
or stepfamily
caregivers can't agree on how to set limits and enforce consequences
with their minor kids, it's likely
that one or more co-parents...
-
are ruled by
and don't know it or what it
-
haven't begun learning these seven communication
to do effective
and
together;
-
haven't fully accepted their stepfamily
and
what it
so they have unrealistic
relationship,
and development
expectations;
-
aren't aware of their kids'
developmental
and
family-adjustment
needs, and are mistaking healthy
testing for "acting out;"
-
haven't yet
(a) learned good-grief
basics, (b)
inventoried their major
(c) assessed everyone for
and/or
(d) haven't yet forged and implemented an effective family-wide
or some co-parents...
-
haven't evolved effective
strategies to avoid or resolve
and
conflicts, and
associated relationship
and/or they...
-
have no coherent stepfamily
or
change-management
plans yet; and/or they...
-
haven't begun cooperatively reducing their
co-parenting
-
are relying on
uninformed help to solve
these stressors, and/or may not have
these
and
typical co-parents...
-
don't know all this, or what to do about it.
This
looks pretty overwhelming, doesn't it? The good news: once co-parents really accept that the
five remarital
apply to them and their kids, they can
study and patiently work at versions
of these
They can master each of
the challenges above, over time. Note that arguments over "child
discipline" are surface (secondary) stressors, masking the primary problems
above.
top
Q22)
One or more of our co-parents
doesn't care - or vehemently denies - that we're a stepfamily. If this
is a significant problem,
what can we do about it?
|
Typical
differ structurally and dynamically from intact
biofamilies in
over
70 ways. One result is that familiar norms and
that work well enough in biofamilies often don't fill the
and
special needs of stepfamily
and
kids well enough.
|
If one or more of
your stepfamily adults ignores or denies your stepfamily
that
puts them at high risk of (a) holding
unrealistic expectations of themselves and
the rest of you, and (b) rejecting one or more people from full stepfamily
That promotes ongoing
and conflict, and hinders reducing co-parenting
and growing healthy
among you all.
To
prepare to respond to a family adult or child who rejects or minimizes your
step-identity,
put your
in
via
and...
read and discuss
and what your step-identity
Then...
use this
worksheet
to check all of your adults and kids for identity-acceptance.
Now you're prepared to evaluate the
options
here and
here and choose appropriate actions.
Option: review and apply
Project-2 basics and
effective
and
skills to raise the odds you
all will get your needs met
when you act.
top
Q23)
How
can co-parents best prepare
themselves and dependent kids for the
re/marriage or re/divorce of a
bioparent?
Co-parent re/wedding,
cohabiting, separation, and re/divorce each
cause all related adults and kids major concurrent
changes and
- i.e.
Many co-parents - specially those who are
wounded
of
childhoods -
underestimate the scope and impact of these changes. One result is that they
don't prepare themselves and their kids well enough, and live with significant
and regret for decades.
co-parents can best prepare
themselves, their kids, and other relatives to minimize change-stresses from
re/wedding and/or moving in together by working together on
well
before
deciding to exchange commitment vows and toasts. Reluctance to do this
probably means one or both partners are (a) ruled by a
and
(b) at high risk of making up
to
Preparing your adults and kids for stepfamily dis-integration and re/divorce
is usually more complex than the first time around. Key options:
-
ensure that partners'
true Selves
are solidly in charge of their
-
accept that (re)divorce is a long-term
that begins to stress family relationships,
kids, and lower family
months or years before
calling a lawyer.
- a
partner starting to think seriously about leaving and/or ending their
re/marriage helps everyone - including her or his
future self - by
evaluating and acting selectively on these
29 alternatives first.
Also
meditate on the effect on each minor child of the potential fourth or fifth
set of adjustment needs that re/divorce can cause on top of other current
developmental and other family-change
adjustments and losses.
top
Q24)
How can co-parents best prepare
themselves and dependent kids for the conception and birth of a
new ("ours")
child?
Considering,
conceiving, and birthing an "ours"
child (half sibling) causes
many short and long-term changes and
in and
between stepkids'
homes.
Well-planned conceptions are the easiest to restabilize from.
"Surprise" conceptions may indicate significant false-self
in one or both partners.
Ideally, co-parents will each want to...
A
useful option is to review each child's and
co-parent's status with their respective
adjustment needs to determine the best time to conceive an
ours child - i.e. when life has been relatively
stable for some months.
Another option - specially if a stepparent is childless - is to
together to illuminate what
a conception would
really fill. After reading about and listening professionally to several thousand
average real-life stepfamily stories since 1981,
I can't recall one instance where having an ours child (a) healed a troubled
re/marriage or (b) magically created idealized biofamily-like love and bonds
among step-relatives!
A third choice is to let all stepfamily kids and adults, including ex mates,
know well in advance of any attempt to conceive. Then listen
respectfully to their reactions, without giving up the right to decide.
Reluctance to do this signals significant
false-self
The Web address of this
four-page article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/co-p-q.htm