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Break the [wounds + unawareness] cycle and
guard your descendents |
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Q&A
About Choosing a Mate
Questions each partner
should ask...
p. 1 of 2
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
|
 The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/qa/courtship-q.htm
Links below lead to
answers in other Web pages or educational popups, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or accept popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of a series of Q&A articles
for typical courting and committed family adults and sup-porters. Links in
each question lead to a brief answer here and to more detail elsewhere in
this divorce-prevention Web site.
This article is part of
divorce-prevention
- make three wise courtship-commitment choices.
It's widely estimated that at least half of
recent American first marriages fail, and that the rate is even higher among
stepfamily couples. Millions more families endure the daily stress
of psychological divorce, but stop short of the grinding, expensive
legal process.
|
After studying this tragic trend since 1979, I
believe one of
for this
divorce epidemic is adult
-
i.e. typical courting
partners don't know they need to research the questions below
to raise their odds for
choosing the right
to
commit to, for the right
at the right
|
These two pages offer questions that typical courting partners should
research before exchanging commitment vows, to raise the odds of making wise
choices. The questions are for (a) all couples, and (b) couples with
one or more kids from prior unions (stepfamily courtships).
Find suggestions, resources, and answers to all these questions and more in
my
practical
guidebook
- make
three right re/marriage choices (Xlibris.com, 2001). Most of the book applies to all
couples.
Before continuing,
pause, breathe, and reflect - why
are you reading this? What do
you
+++
Key Courtship
Questions
Options - (a) read all these questions first before following any
links; and (b) thoughtfully discuss these items with your
partner. Your respective thoughts and feelings
are just as important as the answers.
Questions for All Couples
1) What
are my partner and I trying to fill by dating seriously?
2) What are the
basic requirements for a healthy
long-term primary relationship?
3) Are there
reliable courtship danger signs I should know and heed?
Yes.
4) My partner and I have
different religious faiths.
How concerned should I be about t this?
5)
I love a person of the same gender. What
factors should we consider
before
exchanging vows?
6) My partner
and I are much different in age. Should we be concerned?
Maybe.
7) How do I
know if I should commit to this
partner and his or her family?
8)
How do I know of it's the right
time for me to commit?
9)
How do I know if I'm committing for the right
reasons?
10)
What resources are available to help us make wise
commitment decisions?
Additional Questions for
Stepfamily
Couples
11) Is courtship
different "the second time around"?
No and yes.
12) If I date a
person with kids, what should I
look for?
13)
I am a single parent. What
co-parenting traits should I look for in a
new partner?
14) What
mistakes can typical partners make in
deciding to form or join a stepfamily?
15) What are the best
sources of stepfamily education for
courting co-parents?
16) How long after
divorce should co-parents wait to
re/marry?
17) How soon should I
tell my child/ren I'm serious about
committing to a new partner?
18) Is there a
best way to conduct
stepfamily courtship?
Yes!
19)
How can I tell if
I'm ready to commit to a stepfamily?
20) Why are
typical U.S. stepfamilies at higher risk of psychological or legal divorce
than
average biofamilies (first marriages)? There are
five related reasons.
21)
How can we tell if we need
pre-re/marital
counseling, and how can we pick an
effective counselor?
22) Are there any
danger signals in addition to those above that courting co-parents ought
to watch for before committing to join or form a stepfamily?
23) How heavily should I
weigh my child/ren's opinions in
deciding if, to whom, and when
to re/marry?
24) We've decided to
re/wed. Are there any helpful guides for
planning our wedding and
honeymoon?
25) I love the person I'm
dating, and I'm not crazy about one (or more) of
their kids. Is that
likely to improve if or when we
live together?
26) My partner and I
disagree on trying to conceive one or more
("ours") kids. How
concerned should I be about this?
27) Other people tell us
we'll be forming a
stepfamily if we
re/marry, but my partner and/or
I don't see it that way. Who's right?
28) I feel my partner and I
ought to wait and learn more about what we're getting into, and
s/he's
pushing to re/marry soon.
What should we do?
29) My partner is
(or I am)
uncomfortable admitting
prior marriages and/or divorces. Is that
normal and OK?
30) After all they've been
through, I feel strongly my children
should come first if we re/marry. My partner seems ambivalent or opposed
to that. What should we do?
31) My partner
isn't interested in learning
about stepfamilies. Should I insist?
32) Is re/marriage
with
a childless partner more stressful than with a single parent?
Maybe, depending on many
factors.
33) Overall, what are the
main suggestions you have to help us make wise
stepfamily-commitment decisions?
If
you don't see your question here, please
ask!
Q4) My partner and I have
different religious faiths.
How concerned should I be about this?
Many
factors determine whether courting partners'
differences over religious
faith will be a major relationship and stepfamily
Such
differences are one of many
and
conflicts your
family will experience
after commitment vows. If religion (vs.
and biofamily religious traditions and bonds are high in one or
both suitor's personal
this may be a compelling reason to remain
friends vs. becoming spouses.
Options:
-
ensure your
respective
are
your
-
read
and discuss
this article for
more perspective;
-
use a shared
attitude, and
and
skills to illuminate your
and long-term
as
teammates;
-
invest time and energy evolving effective
strategies to prevent and resolve these
three common stressors; and...
-
intentionally evolve realistic stepfamily
(vs. biofamily)
expectations in
negotiating your
decisions together.
The
you two approach this
conflict (e.g. timidly, in/directly, aggressively, rigidly, rationally,
patiently, impulsively,..) probably forecasts how you'll handle other inevitable values and
loyalty conflicts and relationship
if you
commit to each other. This is
the real issue masked by surface disputes over religion and
other things.
top
Q6) My partner and I
are much different in age. Should we be concerned about this?
As people age, some priorities change, and they gradually lose some physical
abilities. They're also more prone to health issues. The wider the age gap
between mates, the more likely it is that they will encounter significant
values differences - e.g. he wants a restful vacation by the lake, and she
wants to go travel or backpack in the mountains. It's also more likely that
the older partner will die well before the younger mate, leaving her or him
without a companion in old age.
The real issue is not the age difference, it is how well you two can
negotiate major values clashes and remain solidly committed. How effective
is your strategy at doing this now? See
this for more detail and
options.
top
Q11)
Is courtship
different "the second time around"?
Compared to dating "the first time around." courtship involving prior children
and former mates is the same in some ways, and different in others:
| Courtship Similarities |
...and Differences |
|
You
partners are in
love, and seek to fill
most of the same
|
You each have more life
experience, probably including parenting and
|
|
You're each deciding
whether to make a(nother) personal lifetime commitment. |
You and/or your dating partner
may have one or more ex mates and minor and/or grown kids near or far
to consider in your decision. |
|
You (probably) live on the same planet, in the same society, with
the same laws, customs, traditions, freedoms, and opportunities. |
You're older, which probably means
your
and some values are different than your first
courtship. You may or may not be more
|
|
You partners each face the same basic three
commitment choices: pick the right
for the right
at the right
|
There are many more
factors
to evaluate in making wise re/marriage decisions, and
are affected by them. |
|
You each must
balance dating with a web of other
obligations, activities, and relationships. |
The odds are higher you two have bigger age, religion, education, and
ethnic differences, which often implies more significant
|
|
The decision to re/marry
and/or cohabit causes both
you partners complex tangible and abstract
(broken bonds) and gains,
adding to any prior loss-es you need to
|
You're evaluating whether to form or join an alien multi-home
not a
"traditional" intact bio-family.
Your odds of
long-term success are probably lower without you both
wanting to do some
version of
|
|
You each have friends, relatives,
and supporters who will affect your courtship process and commit-ment
decisions to some degree. |
Supporters and professional advisors will probably be unaware of the (step)family
realities,
differences,
and adjustment
tasks your family adults and
child/ren face if you re/wed. |
|
If you partners choose to
commit, you'll design
a social / religious ceremony to proclaim, legitimize, and celebrate your union
and vows. |
Your commitment ceremony and any
honeymoon will be far more
and more likely to create major
and
and relationship
|
top
Q14)
What mistakes do typical partners make before
deciding to form or join a stepfamily?
Common errors (uninformed decisions) include...
Assuming that these five major
don't apply to you, your kids, and ex
mate/s; and/or that these 16
are
"for other people."Assuming that "re/marriage is
essentially the same as first marriage, so there's nothing I need to
learn."
is one of five
major reasons millions of U.S. stepfamily couples
re/divorce.
See co-parent
Another common error is... Assuming that co-parenting and
relationships in a new stepfamily are "not much different than in a
biofamily." They differ greatly in
children's needs, family
norms and
environments,
relationship
family-adjustment
tasks, and
developmental stages!
Excluding kids'
other bioparents (ex mates) from full stepfamily
Their genes, needs, opinions, legal rights, finances, ancestry, actions, and values
will affect your lives for decades, including nurturing any grandchildren.
Not learning stepfamily
basics
and
realities vs.
these 60 common
myths, and/or
not taking the
of these realities seriously.
Other
common co-parent mistakes in courtship are...
Not
telling your child/ren or ex mate/s you're seriously considering
re/marriage until the last minute. They need time to learn,
grieve, process, and adjust!
Not bothering to learn or respect (a) potential stepkids'
developmental and
special needs, and
(b)
your
related need to patiently build a
to help
those needs (to
nurture).
Allowing
+
+
+ psychological
to persuade you to
commit to the wrong
for the wrong
at the wrong
top
Q15)
What are the best
sources of stepfamily education for
courting co-parents?
This Website exists because in researching since 1979, I've found no
comprehensive source of valid, practical stepfamily information.
My guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship
- How to make three Right
decisions
(Xlibris.com, 2001) is the only
available book based on 28 years' professional research and these five common stepfamily
and seven safeguard
The sequel,
Build a High-nurturance Stepfamily
(Xlibris.com, 2001), adds
vital co-parent
projects. There are many other books
about stepparenting and stepfamilies. I've read over 40 of them. Each has its own merits,
and usually
misses the
co-parents need to be
See this
for suggestions on evaluating stepfamily advice, and
this for suggestions on selecting
useful stepfamily books and articles. For an overview, see this slide presentation on
stepfamily basics, hazards, and co-parent safeguards.
If you have trouble viewing the slides, see this,
this, and this.
top
Q16) How long after
divorce should co-parents wait to
re/marry?
One of three core reasons
millions U.S. stepfamily re/marriages fail legally or psychologically is that
one
or both mates were
and
vowed "I do"
Most
new
follow one or both partners'
divorce/s.
All adults and kids in
families need time to
their many
(broken bonds) which
usually takes at least several years after adult-couple separation.
Use this
checklist to expand your awareness
about family recovery from separation and legal divorce/s.
Courting couples also
need enough time to (b) get to know each other and related kids and adults, and
to (c) learn what they're getting into by progressing at these
together.
I urge you suitors to not commit
until at least 18 months has passed after the most recent
divorce or mate death. Longer is safer. See
this for more detail.
top
Q17)
How soon should I
tell my child/ren I'm serious about
committing to a new partner?
Dating after divorce or mate-death will cause your minor and grown kids
(and ex mate and key relatives) major questions: they'll need to know about
potential
that will affect them. Seriously considering remarriage
and/or cohabiting causes major
changes and
for custodial and visiting kids and key others, and potential
benefits.
I recommend
informing your kids clearly as soon as you (a) start dating and (b) seriously
considering co-habiting and/or re/marriage.
At any age, they need time to...
-
explore how they feel about these new people and
your potential stepfamily
lifestyle;
-
evolve and ask key
questions;
-
test some key things,
like "Will
I become less important to you? Have less time with you? Be abandoned - again?");
and...
-
start
significant losses
(broken bonds) to prepare for new attachments.
Hiding your dating
and/or potential
re/marriage from your kids (and anyone else) is a sure sign of
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