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Q13) What are the
five types of
conflict I can
experience, and how can I and my partner/s resolve each of them?
All kids and adults encounter five universal stressors, which are
each resolved differently:
Internal
conflicts -
among your personality's
Resolution requires...
-
awareness of
who comprises your
personality subselves,
-
your
to
your
dynamic subselves,
-
distraction-free times to meditate
and focus; and...
-
fluency in the seven Project-2
For
practical inner-conflict resolution options, see
this.
Conflicts of
:
these include priorities, morals, dignity and integrity, and preferences. Resolution can only be genuine mutual agreements to
disagree. The stressful alternative is to try and persuade the
other person to adopt your value.
conflicts of current
"I need peace and quiet, and you need to end your
boredom by (doing something noisy)." The Project-2 skills of
and
can disclose partners' local
primary needs.
conflicts over concrete
resources like money,
appliances, vehicles, clothing,... These conflicts are really about whose
surface and primary needs get priority;
and...
conflicts over current
-
e.g. you need to vent now, and I
need to cause action.
Resolving each type
of conflict requires partners
to (a) have patience and (b) their
true Selves
in charge of their other subselves, (c) agree to focus on one problem at
a time, and (d) to use all seven communication
cooperatively,
A sense of humor, creativity, and willingness to
risk change all help! Use
and
skills to determine which type of conflict you
have at the moment, and what each partner needs.
When each person is conflicted
and with each
other, both people need to be guided by their Selves and fluent in the
seven
skills!
Q14) What do most
people do instead of effective problem solving?
Because most of us weren't taught
effective-communication basics at home or
school, we're unaware of ~ two dozen common ways
we block effective internal and social
communication. Instead of
win-win
problem-solving, most people fight or argue, postpone, withdraw
(flee), threaten, hint, repress, submit, numb out, lecture, explain,
interrogate, monolog, whine, joke, complain, defocus, and/or preach (see any
favorites?). Here's an example.
The good
news: once you're
of these blocks, you can
(a) reduce and avoid them and (b) help each other build your communication
strengths over time.
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Q15) What causes my "mind-racing or churning," and can I reduce it?
Mind-racing, chattering, or churning
refers to spontaneous episodes of kaleidoscopic,
unfocused thoughts, images, feelings, and memories. It's the opposite of
focused, logical thinking (reasoning), and is probably caused by several
(your
all communicating at once. This happens when some active subselves don't trust your
to lead them.
Patiently
meeting and harmonizing distrustful subselves via "parts
work,"
can significantly reduce mind-churning and improve mental focusing over time. That raises your
effectiveness!
Some kids and adults diagnosed with "Attention Deficit
Disorder"
and "Hyperactivity Disorder" (HD) are probably really
suffering from a chaotic (leaderless)
Medication may
reduce behavioral symptoms, but won't cure
inner anarchy and chaos.
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Q16) How can I learn more
about my non-verbal communication
habits?
You can learn more
in at least five ways:
Study this article on
awareness, and
experiment with what you learn;
and...
Use the concepts
of communication
and
to learn what's going on inside
and between you and important communication partners; and...
Learn the skill of
(talking about
communicating), practice it, and teach it
to interested partners. Then ask them to use it to describe your nonverbal
behaviors that help or hinder shared communication. Return the favor, if
they wish... And you can...
Study and experiment with this framework for
giving effective verbal feedback, and
ask others to describe your nonverbal communication (behavioral) habits and
their effects.
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Q17) What's an
"E(motion)-level,"
and how does it affect my communication effectiveness?
In this site, 'E-level"
describes the degree of emotional intensity in someone at some time.
When someone's E-level rises "above their ears," s/he usually can't
hear, empathize, or focus well, or maintain a two-person
Our E-levels shift quickly,
depending on...
Patient, respectful
will usually drop a partner's E-level "below their ears" so they can hear
you again. Use the term E-level informationally vs. critically in
and
to improve your mutual communication
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Q20) What's
the difference between a request and a
demand,
and why should I care?
A request
is a communication to which the sender can tolerate responses like "No,"
"Not now," "Not your way," and "I'm not sure."
A demand is a communication to which the only acceptable
responses are "Yes" or something like "Let's negotiate and/or problem-solve."
Requests and
demands are types of normal
They work best (satisfy primary needs) if the sender has a genuine
(mutual respect) attitude.
That
depends on the sender having genuine self respect.
Use
to get clear on which of
these you're sending and/or receiving. Option - ask your
partner "Is that a request or a demand?"). If either partner is
ruled by a
perceived demands usually
imply "I'm 1-up,"
causing
the receiver's
E-level (Q17 above) to rise and
degrade or block their hearing.
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Q21) How can I become more confident
and skilled at
asking for what I need?
Four ways to grow more confident and
skilled at
your
effectively with
any child or adult are...
doing
see if you're being
controlled by a
false-self, and evolve a personal
plan if you are;
evolve a
Bill of Personal Rights you can really believe in, and practice
acting on it. Accord other people
equal rights, and expect "resistance" as you become more self-assured;
and...
work toward a genuine
(mutual respect) attitude
with each person in your
life. This often happens spontaneously if you choose to see vexing people
as
and
not
bad, stupid, dumb, selfish, deceitful, abusive, etc. Then...
-
Use
and
skills
to
discern your current
(vs.
surface) needs.
-
Study and practice
these communication
with special focus on growing your fluency with assertive
-
Over time,
become an expert on spotting and avoiding these
communication blocks.
Q22)
What's the difference between
assertion and aggression?
Assertion is (a) being clear
about your rights as a dignified
(self-respecting) person, and (b) firmly requesting or demanding what you need now
(Q20)
while
respecting your and your partner's
dignity, worth, and current needs
Effective
assertion has been described as the skill of saying what you mean
or need in a way that your partner can hear (vs. agree with) you
clearly.
Aggression is
demanding that your
partner satisfy your needs without regard to their current needs,
feelings, or dignity (implied R-message: "I'm 1-up
here.") Watch for
- the words may sound "=/=" but aggressors'
non-verbal
behaviors imply "I'm 1-up."
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Q27)
What
are communication sequences
and patterns, and why are they important?
A
communications
sequence is a
reciprocal series of events (e.g. I smile) and reactions (so do you) between
two or more
personality subselves or people. An action > reaction > reaction...
Every sequence has a beginning event (Marla cleared her throat...), and
continues until someone designates an "ending" event (Jose walked
away / hung up / changed the subject...)
Three important
types of sequences are
(a) conflict
resolution, (b) attack > defend > counterattack or withdraw, and (c) giving and receiving
praise.
A communication
pattern is an
averaged set of sequences over time - e.g. "Here's the typical (action
> reaction) sequence you
and I follow when we discuss money (or whatever)." Identifying
important patterns
as mutually-respectful partners (vs. opponents) can help you (a) spot communication sequences
and blocks that need improving,
and (b) assess any changes.
Every sequence has an
- one or more participants fill their current needs well enough or they
don't. When your and your partner's respective true Selves are
your
,
, and
skills and
the
communication tool of
can
illuminate your important inner and social sequences and patterns.
Q29) What is a
"Be spontaneous!" paradox,
and why do
they harm relationships?
communicators can
unintentionally hurt valued relationships by
requesting or demanding that
a partner give them something that can only be given spontaneously.
These include trust, respect, love, interest, empathy,
enjoyment, patience, forgiveness, loyalty, and sexual desire.
Asking for or expecting these relationship prizes makes
it impossible for the receiver to give it; for if they try, the receiver
will probably discount it as being motivated by fear, duty, or guilt, rather
spontaneous ("genuine"). An appropriate meta-comment is
"You're asking me to want to give
you something that I can only give spontaneously."
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Q30) What are my options with
an adult or child who won't tell me what
they think or feel?
Your partner...
-
may genuinely not know,
or...
-
be too
to focus and disclose,
and/or s/he...
-
doesn't have the vocabulary to
express current thoughts, feelings, and needs well enough, and/or...
-
s/he feels uncomfortable
and doesn't want to hear her or his own description, and/or s/he...
-
doesn't feel safe disclosing
to you - in general, or right now.
You can only affect the last of these. Options include
(a) choosing an
(mutual respect) attitude, and
(b) using
to ask
your partner if there's
something you've done or are doing, that causes them to feel unsafe in
confiding in you. Then (c) use
empathic
to ensure you hear their response clearly,
and (d) decide if you want to change something.
If your partner is
or
s/he may
your reactions and judge you unsafe
- even though you're genuinely
interested in and accepting (uncritical) of their thoughts and feelings.
If
so, a helpful option is to give a respectful (vs. manipulative)
on how your partner's silence affects you
- e.g. "When you need to
withhold your thoughts and feelings, I ____ (describe the specific effect on you
factually)."
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Q31) Why is it often harder to communicate
effectively with the
people who mean the most?
People may find it easier to confide in (some) strangers than with
mates and/or some family members because the risk of rejection, criticism, and
misunderstanding (pain) is much
lower. Strangers are often more sympathetic and less disapproving, preachy,
and/or argumentative. They
usually don't bring unfinished relationship
("old
baggage") to the
exchange, tho your venting may trigger unresolved issues with other people
in their lives.
In typical business
and professional relationships, people minimize anger,
disrespect, and dislike. They stress tact and pretended or genuine respect, so it may feel "safer to talk at work" than at home,
within some limits.
This is specially true in low-nurturance
homes and
families. A contributing factor is that most people don't know how to
listen
and/or (b)
and
their needs and
respectfully to make communicating
safe at
home.
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Q32)
What are "self talk and "inner-voice dialogs," and why
are they valuable?
"Self talk" is
the constant stream of thoughts, memories, fantasies, and inner visions,
senses, and images we call "thinking."
Inner-voice dialogs
are internal conversations, debates, negotiations, or screaming matches between different
of
your
- e.g.
"Voice" (subself) 1:
"Mmm
- Let's have a hot fudge sundae!"
"Voice" (subself) 2: "Are you
berserk? that's 900 calories, and 15 laps around the block, fatso. I
don't think so!"
Becoming non-critically aware of your self-talk and
which subselves are expressing themselves can help you decide if
you're ruled by a
false self or
your gifted
(capital "S") at crucial times.
See co-parent
